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The Daily Grind

Taking Care of Business: On the sly… or so you think

Masturbation on the slyHow many of us (male or female) have done the hand shag and thought we were along — but weren’t. Or perhaps we were lying next to our significant other and thought they were asleep? And did they wake up or ever mention they knew you were doing it?

A long time ago I had a girlfriend who really wasn’t much fun and kind of mean — I did, more than once, but never since. She said something one time that suggested she really wasn’t sleeping but by then I didn’t much care. —Jake

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. —Lily Tomlin


  1. Comment Import

    From Dave
    I’ve done this a few times. I was once with a girlfriend, we had sex, she fell asleep & for some reason I got horny again & very quietly masturbated right next to her, being very quiet & trying not to shake the bed with my hand/arm movements. We were both very open with each other about our masturbation, so the next day I mentioned I’d gotten off again & was rather embarrassed when she said, yeah, I knew you did! I thought I was being completely discreet! She actually felt a little bad, thinking she had not satisfied me enough & that’s why I felt the need to masturbate. I told her, no, just the opposite – I felt very satisfied but as I lay there thinking about it, just got horny again & wanted to get off & thought she was asleep.

  2. Comment Import

    From Cheryl
    In my marriage I masturbated regularly early on, even though my husband could get me off multiple times. I’ve made myself come after sex, or just late at night when I could not sleep. I would masturbate quietly while my husband slept next to me. Now, after 25 years, neither of us is embarrassed to masturbate in front of each other; although my husband does it more often (in private and with me) than I am inclined to do.

  3. Comment Import

    From Oxartes
    Eek, this is embarrassing. Y’all be the judge if this qualifies. A couple of years back, we came home late and went to bed. I was horny. Mrs. Oxartes knew this but was really zonked. She apologized, rolled over and was out. I didn’t want to wait. I saw her nice round derriere (Mmm…) and, as lightly as I could, rubbed my cock against it. I didn’t want to wake her so I took my time. When I let fly, I rolled over onto my back. I’ve done this several times since. I don’t know whether Mrs. Oxartes knows or not. If she does, she hasn’t let on.

  4. Comment Import

    From Anonymous
    Of course I have. Yes, of course he would awaken. Sometimes he would join in, sometimes help, sometimes watch, sometimes politely pretend to be sleeping. Thankfully, I have never been associated (for long) with someone who took offence.

  5. Comment Import

    From Bernie
    My wife and I have both masturbated beside one another in bed while each thought the other was asleep. It’s really the only sex we get these days. I’ll look over and see one hand massaging a nipple and the other working her clit under the covers several nights a week. That gets me rock hard and I must of course stroke myself and fondle my sack. Never to orgasm, I’d rather avoid explaining the mess. Do I ever offer to join her? I’d love nothing better then to bury my face in her pussy and lick and suck her clit until she writhed in orgasm but those days are a distant fading fast memory.

  6. Comment Import

    From Cat
    For me this is something I’d rather not be doing. Especially when he is laying right next to me. Such a waste! Due to emotional problems it has been lonely for me. I do my best to cope but I more than like my share of sex. I could do anything next to him and he would not wake up. No one could snore like that and be awake.

    I prefer a vibrator which is under my side of the bed. My masturbation is mainly a stress relief so I just want to come. Otherwise, I leave the room and go to our oversized closet (room) and take my time. I have a stash of things to make it more comfortable. Pillows, toys and one of his shirts that has his smell. I’ve never been caught. He definitely would have told me.

    I also have gone downstairs to the kitchen for a drink and landed laying on the kitchen floor. That would have really pissed him off. I’m waiting, hoping this will be done with soon. Sometimes I wonder if he can be as much fun as I can have with myself.

  7. Comment Import

    From Arthur
    Once…many years ago…I was in a relationship with a lady. It was just in the beginning stages, we were still trying to “figure each other out”. One night, early in the relationship we were asleep together (it was actually one of the first times that we had taken this step in our affair). I awoke feeling the urge to come. Since there were some things in our relationship that we were still working out I was unsure whether to wake her or just “take care of business” on my own.

    I looked over at her and saw that she was asleep. She looked so comfortable and serene that I decided I would let her sleep. So taking things into my own hand I became so focused on trying to get off and not wake her that I did not feel her stir beside me. Next thing I knew I felt her hand around mine. I looked over at her and she said, “Here let me help you with that.” Suffice it to say we did not sleep much that night. It was a wonderful relationship…while it lasted…because of time and circumstances we drifted apart. Still, even after all of these years, I still think of that night, and smile. and…. ahem…..

  8. Comment Import

    From Malcolm
    I felt the strong urge once while sleeping in a motel room with my wife and some or all of my children. There was no way we could fuck. I had to use the d-i-y bit. I don’t know whether she knew.

  9. Comment Import

    From Anonymous
    In our little universe, it’s considered a form of infidelity. She will take up the chore upon request unless she is particularly exhausted. I feel the same about her, and will pull myself awake no matter what the time of night to deal with her needs. The last time this happened, I have only the vaguest memory of it, but she affirmed next morning that she was quite satisfied, thank you. It’s probably been thirty years since I’ve taken care of business on my own, and I believe that involved an extended business trip and a naughty novel.

  10. Comment Import

    From JC
    I do it, I’m a very horny person, especially when sleeping, and my girlfriend likes her sleep, a lot. She doesn’t mind as long as I don’t wake her up, even if I involve her in it. Although, if she’s awake she’ll join in, which is always nice.

  11. Comment Import

    From S.B.
    I love the Big M, and have for as long as I can remember. After I met my man and settled down, nothing changed except that now I have more to feed my imagination. But here’s the catch: my guy has no problem with jacking off. In fact, he does it a LOT, fantasizing about me. The problem is that he doesn’t like me to masturbate in his presence, although he does it all the time. He says it makes him uncomfortable, like he’s not doing an adequate job, but he IS, it’s just that a lot of times he finishes before I do, and I’m NOT just going to lay there and suffer!

  12. Comment Import

    From Sappho
    I wish masturbation had a bigger place in society. I love to masturbate. When my fiancé and I had been forcibly separated, masturbation became the only way I could fall asleep. When we’re together, I usually masturbate after sex. I can’t help it—I am just never finished. Some nights we’re just too tired to actually have sex, but we’re still horny, so we’ll masturbate next to each other. It’s great seeing him stroke it, and he loves licking up all my juices once I come. Orgasms are great—I can’t say that enough. Masturbation is an art.

  13. Comment Import

    From Beth
    Middle age has been a surprising, and pleasant, erotic awakening for me. Ever since I passed 40, my libido has been heating up, while my husband’s has been cooling. We still have great sex together, but he can’t quite keep up with me any more. As a result, I’ve been masturbating more often ­ probably as much as, maybe even more than, I did when I was a teenager. It’s not a secret between us. He knows I do it, and is always happy to help if I ask. But sometimes I just want to be alone ­ just me and my fantasies.

    Orgasm is the greatest sleeping aid of all, and I like to have one in bed each night to end the day. He’s a light sleeper, though, so I have to be still and quiet. It’s like being back in college, trying to masturbate without letting your roommate know what you’re doing ­ no sighs, no hip thrusts, no creaking bed springs, no vibrator, just my hand in my panties, circling gently away. It’s not that he would be mad if he woke up and saw what I was dong. Quite the opposite ­ he would want to help me. But what I want at those moments is to be alone, and undisturbed. So I’ve gotten quite good at the silent orgasm ­ a middle-aged woman masturbating again the way she did when she was back in college.

  14. Comment Import

    From Rose
    I’ve always masturbated whether my husband was there or not, or awake or not. It was never an issue at all for either of us. I don’t orgasm during regular sex or oral sex and the only thing that works on me is myself, or a vibrator, so we simply adjusted to that particular glitch. And if he wanted to do himself, that was perfectly okay with me, too. If either of us was already asleep and the other was doing it, I think the only issue was waking up the other person and disturbing their sound sleep. It had absolutely nothing to do with recriminations for doing it or for going it alone, but rather that same level of annoyance as when one of the cats decides to use you as a springboard to the window ledge at three a.m.

    I have never understood why masturbation, within a relationship, is an issue for the people in that relationship. It’s a perfectly natural activity and sometimes you just want to be alone with yourself and your fantasies and have an orgasm without having to worry about your partner. It is no different from watching a movie alone or dining alone or reading a book or enjoying any other solitary pleasures. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy those solitary pleasures.

  15. Comment Import

    From Pat
    Yes, I’ve wanked many, many times while a lover/partner was asleep beside me. Particularly when I was married. I wasn’t able to have an orgasm during partner sex until a few years after my marriage ended. During my marriage, masturbation was my *only* option for having orgasms. So that’s what I did.

    Unfortunately, I didn’t have the kind of open, understanding relationship with my husband, so I felt like I had to keep my wanking a secret. Also unfortunately, usually the only time I want to wank is after I go to bed at night, so it’s not like I could have taken care of business on my own when the hubs wasn’t around.

    I remember there was shame. Partly shame because I couldn’t come by his hand or mouth or cock or any other kind of stimulation besides my own right middle finger. Partly shame because I was keeping secrets from him. Partly shame because I knew if he ever caught me, I’m sure he would have felt really bad about it. Like “why aren’t you asking me to do that for you?” kind of thing.

    If I knew then what I know now about my own body, our sex life would have been vastly different, much better, and I’m sure I wouldn’t have felt the need to secretly masturbate after my husband fell asleep beside me. It’s even quite possible the marriage wouldn’t have ended at all…because the dissonance between our sex drives was a major, major point of contention between us. I’m sure if I’d been able to have orgasms with him, my sex drive would have improved dramatically. Who knows.

    Very near the end of my marriage, when my husband and I were fighting a lot, he came right out and asked me if I ever masturbated. I told him yes. He couldn’t understand why I would do that. I think he was very hurt, very confused, bewildered. His reaction confirmed my reasoning for keeping my secret wanking a secret.


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