I found myself wondering about the frequency of post marriage sex—or more to the point sex after the first few years of a relationship, married or not, straight or not. I remember a former mother-in-law telling my new bride and I an old joke. It went something like this: If you put a penny in a jar every time you have sex for the first five years of your married life, and then remove a penny each time you have sex after that, by the time you die there will still be pennies in the jar. Mom-in-law laughed, but I noticed her husband looked pretty sour and did not laugh. My own experience says this might just be true, how about for others here? I would be interested in knowing about gay couples as well. —Jake
I know nothing about sex because I was always married. —Zsa Zsa Gabor
From Therese
I was in a 29-year lesbian relationship, the last 11 of which we were just roommates. It’s amazing what you can get used to if it creeps up on you slowly… like celibacy. But after a year or so recovering from the break, I found a younger lover and shazam!, discovered that my libido was alive and well and hot damn, thank you, ma’am, I’m alive again! Unfortunately, we broke up. Now I have the libido and no one to exercise it with! Life can be perverse…
From Emma
The idea that women must always be available for sex in a marriage denies them agency. People change and grow.
From Jeff
I’ve been married over 25 years and sadly, it was very infrequent once we were married. I’m talking once a month. And she was very inhibited and self concsious… Very predictable and she was not very orgasmic. As the years went on it became worse, especially after she started Zoloft. You never know what hand you’re dealt until after the honeymoon. I guess that’s why I’m on sites like this.
From Nadege
Well being married for 15 years, I know that having children makes a big difference in your sex life after marriage. But after listening to a lot of men and women talk about their sex life after marriage, they talk about how their mates become very relax and lazy with their looks and therefore let themselves go. Meaning what their mates married is not the same person in the present.
Not only that but for some reason after marriage “the pussy” becomes “the vagina” therefore not as exciting or spontaneous like it use to be.
From Shanna
As someone who uses an online sex/dating site, I can assure you that 90% of the guys there are married and cheating. The reason seems to be that their wife is no longer interested in sex. Sure, there’s bound to be those who’d cheat regardless, but I have also heard the genuine pain in these guys voices as they explain the hurt that comes with being constantly rejected.
Most admit that the women they cheat with are nowhere near as desirable as their wife – they are however willing and available. It’s like some women just turn off that part of themselves once they’ve had children. Not all women thankfully, but many. I don’t know that its about marriage, perhaps just complacency.
From Mary
We’re a lesbian couple, and guess what? It’s the same for us bent folk as it is for you straight folk: hot frequent sex early on, trailing off somewhat as the years move on.
From Guy
I married again in my mid sixties to a much younger very attractive Thai lady. My wife has just passed the Menopause and has lost interest in sex . My wife will always oblige me if I want to make love, but now in my 70s I cannot always maintain an erection. I do better to take some viagra or similar; which is not so good for my health. We make love every weekend. Thai people are not accustomed to kissing and foreplay, which is something I miss a lot.
I enjoy cunnilingus very much and would do it often, but my wife doesn’t like it, although she orgasms every time; she is quite happy to suck me off and every last drop. My wife thinks fingers and oral saliva are dirty, even though I’m fresh from the shower, teeth cleaned and mouthwash gargled .
I feel so sorry for those partners who are not getting enough. I remember a lady telling me she was lucky if her husband was willing 4 times a year.
From Ward
My girlfriend and I had sex a lot before getting married, we had a baby soon (six months) after getting married, and still had sex whenever we had the time, almost every day I guess. Then I started going to sea for work six months a year; after being away from each other for many months at a time, when I get home we fuck like rabbits! Twenty years and six kids later, we are still going!
I’m fifty-five, she is fifty. Reading sexy stories, watching videos, talking about fantasies, it all helps.
From Anonymous
We have been together for 17 yrs. When we first met we practically lived in bed! Now it’s rare and we’ve had many fights because I keep on asking for it. We aren’t a young couple over 55 but still wanting your partner after yrs to me is a plus. Sure our bodies don’t look like when we first met but whose does?
I am surprised because I thought it was always the woman who wanted to quit. I want it until I can’t! I have also thought about finding someone else to ‘play’ with but I want to be loyal. I honestly don’t know how much longer that will last. I even told him that and I got a blank stare. It has made me feel unattractive and that he’s cheating on me.
I’ve tried everything my sexy self came up with to no avail.I cannot spend the rest of my life without being touched intimately. I feel like I’m starving!
From Anonymous
I have been married for 10 years and sex is now a rarity. My husband just has no interest anymore. If we do have sex it is of the most basic variety. Our sex life started out as quite adventurous – bondage, spanking, anal etc., but now it seems like that is just embarrassing to him. He told me about a year ago that he does not like me sucking him off. That felt like a real slap in the face after doing it for years, and thinking I was good at it.
I am seriously considering cheating on him because I can’t bear the thought that my sex life is over, and I have so many more things I want to try.
From Anonymous
I married my wife after living with her for about nine years. The sex at that point was not the greatest. I thought she was just mad at me because I had not ask her to marry me yet. That was about 20 years ago. The sex has only gotten worse. Now it’s been at least seven years with absolutely no intimate contact at all let alone sex.
She says it hurts but won’t go ask the doctor. When I ask her about sex that just makes it worse.
I do know she is still horny because she late at night she fingers her clit and works her nipples while she thinks I’m asleep. She deeply pissed off at me for something but I must the do the yard work well enough to keep around.
From Cookie
My husband and I have been together for 17 yrs. I don’t know what happened and when I try to talk about it we get in a fight. It’s been over 6 months this time and the last was 2 yrs! I miss so very much his touch, his kisses and all the rest. I told him I would find someone to meet my needs and he said nothing. I haven’t been able to do that, it feels wrong.
This is a man who couldn’t get enough. I made him go to dr. He’s ok. I know he still gets erections. I know my body has changed and so has his. I still see the sexy handsome man I met yrs. ago. I cry a lot. I masturbate and that makes me cry more.
After 1 ugly fight I threw out all the ‘special’ clothes I had. I can’t see me leaving him after all this time and we are not a young couple. I thought it was only the woman that didn’t want it anymore! I don’t want pity I just want my husband back!
From John
I wonder at what I have read so far. It sure doesn’t match my experience. Unless one means sex after the marriage ended. In that case, I might be typical. No partner sex. But then I just haven’t found a new partner after 53 years of marriage to one woman. Nor looked very hard. Still have sex by myself though not nearly as frequently as I used to.
We probably started off normally enough: frequent hot sex, like most every day. It slowed down some when the kids were small and we were often too tired. Particularly she would be far too tired at night.
An idea occurred: morning sex. It worked. While we undoubtedly had some ups and downs, we were having real passionate sex almost every day. Well maybe six time a week on average up until her health failed. For maybe 40 years we rarely had nighttime sex since she would claim being too tired. I didn’t much mind as I knew that by morning she would be rested and interested. For a while we had a clock with dual alarms. Wake us at 5 for the news and then sex. Second alarm at 6: time to get up. We had usually finished by then and maybe napped. I always tried to make sure she enjoyed it and she was multi-orgasmic. It was great.
From Joseph
We enjoy sex when we have it, and don’t miss it when we don’t. If one of us is horny when the other is not, out comes the vibrator, a quick jack-off, or mutual or solo masturbation does the trick. We’ve been married for 39 years, and sex isn’t nearly as frequent, or as urgent, as pre-marriage or early years of marriage. One point I have to stress is that sex at this point in our marriage is wonderful, better than ever. And honestly, why would that be a surprise to anyone? It’s simply the natural course of things; familiarity, age, children, careers – there’s a lot going on in a marriage. Often sex takes a back seat to more pressing issues, problems, whatever.
I get a big kick out of the magazines that cite polls of how many times a month couples get it on. Why should we care about what others are getting, or not getting? And why should we compare our sex lives with others, looking for a norm, an average. Makes no sense.
From Anonymous
We’ve found it goes in cycles. We had a lot of sex when we were first married. It tapered off quite a bit during the years we were raising our kids. Now that the little buggers are out of the nest, we’re having way more sex than we have had in many years, and in some ways it’s better than it was in the early days. Not better in terms of stamina or intensity, but it’s a lot more intimate. I’m 53 and he’s 57 and we have some sort of sexual contact pretty much daily, though full-on sex is not more than two or three times a week.
It doesn’t happen by accident though. I had to fight my way through menopause tooth and nail, and it’s still a struggle.
From Rose
Having been married 35 years now (together for over 36), I can say that if the amount of sex declines, there can be various reasons for it. They may have absolutely nothing to do with falling out of love, or not loving, or losing attraction for the other person. There are plenty of reasons why three or four times week in the first few years dwindles to three or four times a month in the second decade and then three or four times year after that. If the reasons are discussed and the people involved are honest with each other, and above all else, love each other, then there really is no reason for the sour looks or animosity. And there are always solutions and alternatives, if a couple cares enough to work on them and find them.
From Anonymous
I feel fortunate. The frequency has dropped off in recent years due to my wife’s physical issues, but at ages 66 and 63, sex is as vital to us as ever. Perhaps the reason is that we’ve always subscribed to (what we now call) the ‘canoe in the water’ principle. When one of us is in the mood, the other almost always, by an unspoken but longstanding agreement, cooperates. (It ain’t just me; either of us is equally likely to initiate things.) Once started, it generally takes off by itself, unless there is some interfering factor, like a nuclear war. I heard this described on NPR by a psychologist as, “Once the canoe is in the water, everyone wants to paddle.” I repeated this to my wife, and she replied, “That sounds like us.”
From Mouser
I wonder about the frequency of it too. Or lack thereof. Whichever. Did some checking on it and found that the last recorded incident was many moons ago. Also recalled taking one of those silly womens’ mag surveys on frequency and learned that we ‘did it’ about as often as the typical 80-year-old couple. A bit disconcerting when in your twenties, lemme tell ya.
Then I read someone else’s response which made a reference to doing it ‘only 2-3 times a week’. Lost consciousness soon after whilst listening to an odd sound not unlike that of a misshapen cranium being repeatedly banged against a wall. A most curious day I’ve been having.
From Anonymous
Rarely do I get a chance to suck or touch my wife’s pussy or tits any more. It tickles too much is what she tells me. The one thing that has kept us going is her vibrator. Years ago I thought introducing that to the bedroom was a good idea, but it took away from our oral sex life. I know a vibrator is her favorite and only way to reach orgasm now. I’ve become obsessed with her admitting it and trying to get her to admit that she loves fucking the vibrator more than anything else. For some reason that became a turn on for me.
Recently she asked me to get the vibrator. I began to use it on her as usual. I asked her if she loved to fuck the vibrator. To my surprise she said yes. I told her to tell me she loved to fuck the vibrator more than anything else. She told me she did. I asked her to get in her favorite position to be fucked by the vibrator and she quickly rolled on her stomach and began to ride the vibrator as vigorously as I have ever seen her. She kept telling me having me fuck her with the vibrator is what she loves the most. When it was time for me to unload inside her after her orgasm I found out that she was wetter than I have ever remembered her to be. I think I may have unleashed something in her. She wants to be told what to do. I have asked her to text me early in the day when she wants to be fucked by her vibrator at night. I have asked her to also text me if she feels the urge to tell me she loves to fuck her vibrator. I am hoping this opens new doors for us.