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Writing Exercises

Writing Exercise – The List Poem

by | June 6, 2016 | | 7 Comments

 By Ashley Lister

One of my favourite poetic standbys is the
list poem. Because, in real life, I’m a serial list-writer, I find it easy to
slip into the mindset of writing lists. Maybe it’s something to do with having the name ‘Lister’?

This is from a poem I wrote a few years
back entitled ‘A List of Things I Think About During WOFT Meetings’. It will be
noted that the word WOFT is an acronym for Waste Of F*****g Time.

Have
I muted my mobile?

Is
my mouth fixed in a smile?

Can
I slyly check my watch?

Dare
I scratch my itchy crotch?

Can
I count the ceiling tiles?

Will
all this sitting give me piles?

I’ve written mine rhyming couplets,
although that’s just personal preference. These can work in blank verse or with
a rhyming structure behind them. What sort of lists would be appropriate for an
erotic poem? How about a list of things I think about whilst blindfolded? What
about a list of things I think about when you’re away? Or  list of things I should have said? This is
how ‘A List of Things I Think About During WOFT Meetings’ continues:

The chair’s
a witless pseud pretender

Who
brings a typo-plagued agenda

He’s
followed by his office flunkies

A
troop of trite arse-kissing monkeys

Collective
covens then collude

Whilst
fat ones focus on free food

And
everyone gets their free drink

They’re
here to eat and chat – not think

And
I stare at my blank notepad

And
tell myself it’s not that bad

Whilst
letting my self-esteem diminish

And
wond’ring: “When will this crap finish?”

Should
I know that woman’s name?

Dare
I check my watch again?

How
long ago did this shit start?

How
long can I hold in this fart?

As always, I look forward to seeing your
poems in the comments box below.

Writing Exercise – Humorous Verse

by | April 6, 2016 | | 2 Comments

By Ashley Lister

Betty & I

We
went to one of those swingers’ parties,

Me
and my blow-up doll: Betty.

She
wanted to add a new kink to our lives.

I
just went there to get sweaty.

Our
relationship was at a low point.

And
it had been that way for a bit.

But
I still tried to treat her with flowers or clothes.

Or
a bicycle puncture repair kit.

I like humour in poetry. Yes, poetry can lend itself to a great level of seriousness, but there is something about rhythm and a cleverness with words that makes me want to do something that will make an audience laugh.

Yet
for months my Betty had been silent.

And
our love life had skidded off track.

I
didn’t know if Betty had stopped loving me.

Or
was just missing the string from her back.

I
pumped her up full before leaving.

She
looked as good as it claimed on her box.

I
adorned her in lingerie, perfumes and makeup.

And
then I put on some clean socks.

Humour is relatively simple to do, and impossibly difficult to explain. Go for the unexpected. Use the surreal. Surprise your reader. Do something clever with words. Or simply describe the real world and allow your reader to see the humour that is there waiting to be discovered. 

We
looked perfectly suited together

We
each were the cream of the crop

But
that didn’t stop people from laughing

As
we waited beside the bus stop.

I
should really have waited to inflate her

Onlookers
can say horrid stuff

But
we were both going off to a sex party

And
I didn’t want to arrive out of puff.

This isn’t the complete poem. This is just the first half of it and I’m sure there are versions floating around the internet. I’ve put this one up here this month just to illustrate the point that even the silliest situation can be used to make an amusing verse.

And the exercise for this month is simple: write a
couple of verses of humorous poetry. As always, I look forward to
seeing your poems in the comments box below.

Writing Exercise – the couplet

by | March 6, 2016 | | 4 Comments

By Ashley Lister

These are the opening lines from a poem of mine called, 7 Real Signs of Aging:

The seven real signs
of aging
Have sod all to do
with your skin tones changing
They’re nothing to do
with facial care
Or fifty shades of
dull grey hair
They’re not affected
by a smiling eye’s twinkle
And they’re nothing to
do with any old wrinkle
They’re more to do
with your saggy bits
Like balls and
backsides, jowls and tits
We reach an age where
no one wants to bang us
Cos our balls are
dangly or our tits are hangers.
The first of the
seven signs is a drag:
Cos that’s when your
perky bits all start to sag

Traditionally the couplet is simply two lines of poetry that share the same end rhyme. In the first stanza above, pairing such as aging/changing, care/hair and twinkle/wrinkle help to sell this piece as rhyming verse that’s written to amuse. This is one of my favourite forms because it’s an easy approach to writing poetry. All a writer needs to do is find a pair of words that rhyme and make them into a verse.

This is another example of a poem that’s made up of rhyming couplets. Apologies if it’s rough around the edges but this one is a work in progress.

I don’t have time for most sex toys
They’re made for girls – and I’m a boy
They’re shaped like willies or Bishop’s hats
And I don’t have any need for that
They’re pink and bendy and most will buzz
But I don’t need one of those because
When I feel frisky and get undressed
It’s true to say, I’m quite repressed
And, whilst I think sex is fantastic
I get put off by buzzing plastic
And, being of heterosexual stock
I’ve no need for a rubber cock
But there are some tools I do desire
When I want my pleasure to move higher
If you want to hear me cheer and cheer
Pass me the remote and a bottle of beer

As always, I’d love to see your couplets n the comments box below.

Writing Exercise – the Rictameter

by | February 6, 2016 | | 2 Comments

 by Ashley Lister

 One of the pleasures of the rictameter is that there is no
need for rhyme: it relies on a strict adherence to syllable count. (Well, as
strict as syllable counts can be given our different regional pronunciations).

I know we looked at this form back in August last year, but it’s never too soon to revisit a quality form of poetry.

The
Rictameter starts off with a two syllable line, moves up to a four syllable,
and then a six and an eight and a ten syllable line, before going on to an
eight syllable line, followed by a six, a four and a two syllable closure. The
final line is a repeat of the first line, so it helps if it’s something punchy
and memorable.

oral

mouth, lips and tongue

ready to devour

yet bestowing so much pleasure

sucking, slurping, spitting or swallowing 

an overwhelm of sensation

that ends in liquid rush

and wanting more

oral

As always, I look forward to seeing your poetry in the
comments box below.

Ash

Writing Exercise – the Burns Stanza

by | January 6, 2016 | | 5 Comments

by Ashley Lister

Happy New Year. I’m hoping 2016 brings you
everything you desire that makes your life satisfying.

We first looked at the Burns Stanza back in
October 2014. I’m looking at it again now because we’re in January and Burns
night (25th January) will be on us before we know it. And, what
better way to prepare for a Burns night celebration than to write a saucy Burns
stanza?

As I mentioned when we looked at this form
before, the form did exist before Burns made it his own. It had previously been
known as the Standart Habbie or the Scottish stanza or, sometimes,
simply the six-line stave. Personally, I’m happy calling it a Burns
stanza. This is my attempt at the form.

Stanzas have six lines rhyming aaabab.
The a lines have four metrical feet and the b lines have two metrical feet.

Fair
fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Basque of leather, stockings of lace
A cold smile with no soft embrace
You hold the crop
You wield the whip. I know my place
Please never stop.

As always, I’d love to see your
interpretations of this form in the comments box below. And, if you are celebrating
Burns night this year, please eat haggis responsibly.

Writing Exercise – Petrarchan Sonnet

by | December 6, 2015 | | 11 Comments

by Ashley Lister

Sonnet 18+

Shall I compare thee to a porno star?
Thou art more lovely and more sexy too:
I’ve yearned to have you naked in my car,
And I would really love to service you:
Sometimes you let me glimpse your muffin tops,
Your shorts reveal your sweet and cheeky cheeks,
The view’s enough to make my loins go pop,
And make me long to have more than a peek:
But I know you’re no exhibitionist,
You’d never ever play games of team tag,
Not even if I got you truly pissed,
Because, I know, you’re really not a slag,
So long as I can hope there’s half a chance,
I’ll dream about what’s there inside your pants.

It’s been almost two years on this blog since I mentioned the sonnet. I’m mentioning it again here because I love this form. The skill that comes from balancing rhyme, syllable counts and rhythm always makes me marvel at the talent on display.

The Rules:
All sonnets contain 14 lines. There are three main styles of sonnet: Petrachan, Spenserian and Shakespearian. Each one of these forms is made distinctive by its rhyme scheme.

Sonnets are usually written in iambic pentameter (that is, ten syllables made up of five unstressed/stressed pairings).

The poem above is a Shakespearian sonnet characterized by the rhyme scheme of abab cdcd efef gg. In the example above we can see the poem divided into the three quatrains (abab cdcd efef) and a final couplet (gg).

However, this month I’d like us to look at the slight variant to this form: the Petrarchan sonnet. Again, we’re looking for fourteen lines. And, again, the poem should be presented in iambic pentameter. The rhyme scheme for the Petrarchan sonnet is not as fixed as the Shakespearian and, whilst the first eight lines usually begin in the following fashion, abba abba, the final sestet varies from poem to poem. On this one I’ve gone with cde cde rhyme pattern.

I can’t remember when we last had sex
I only know it’s been a long long time
But I remember that it was sublime
So let’s get you dressed up in tight latex
Where you can make my manly muscle flex
And you’ll find that I’m still well in my prime
And able to do lots more in bed than rhyme
I can roar like Tyrannosaurus Rex
But if you’d rather just drink cups of tea
Or maybe watch Netflix without the chill
If you’re thinking ‘Thanks but no thanks, Mister’.
Then I’ll respect your right to reject me
Though being celibate won’t make ill
I’ll just nip out and call on your sister

As always, I look forward to seeing your sonnets in the comments box below.

Ashley Lister

Writing Exercise – the refrain

by | November 6, 2015 | | 4 Comments

By Ashley Lister

This
is the ballad of poor, simple Dave

A
pervert whose quirks sent him straight to the grave

He
built a sex robot to use as a slave

And
he came to a sad, sticky end.

According to the Poetry Archive, “A refrain is a repeated part of a
poem, particularly when it comes either at the end of a stanza or between two
stanzas.”

Poor
Dave fixed white goods, by way of a trade

At
night, on his X-Box, there were games that he played

And
none of this helped the poor sod to get laid.

And
he came to a sad, sticky end.

Refrains are popular in forms such as the villanelle and the triolet
and we can even see it being used in John McCrae’s beautiful war memorial rondeau:
‘In Flanders Fields’. Personally I think the refrain is one of the most
underrated devices in all of poetry. The repetition of a full line (or even
half a line) allows the poet to draw attention to a specific sentiment. As
writers, we can’t get away with that level of foregrounding. But, as poets, no
one bats an eyelid when we repeat and repeat and repeat.

“This
just isn’t fair,” he’d sigh and he’d weep.

“I’m
living alone like some sick sort of creep.”

Then
he’d pull off a swift one and go back to sleep.

And
he came to a sad, sticky end.

As you can see, I’ve used a refrain on the final line of each verse in
my ‘Ballad of Poor Simple Dave’. This is a story told in poetic form that
follows the sad adventures of a young man who builds a sex robot. When I’ve
read this one at public performances I’ve heard audiences spontaneously join in
with that refrain and take ownership of the work. It’s humbling to be a part of
such an experience.

So
he made a sex robot. It wasn’t that hard.

He’d
got spares from old cookers lying round his backyard.

Once
she was assembled he lubed her with lard.

And
he came to a sad, sticky end.

I won’t publish the rest of the poem here – it might not be to every
reader’s liking. But I will ask, if you feel inclined: why not post a couple of
stanzas of your own poetry that are bound by a single refrain? As always, the
comments box is below and it’s always a pleasure to read your work.

Writing Exercise – The Gwawdodyn

by | October 6, 2015 | | 8 Comments

by Ashley Lister

The gwawdodyn (pronounced GWOW-DOD-IN) is a Welsh form of poetry that is
presented in a variety of different guises. Differences are argued on the presentation
of the rhyme scheme of the third and fourth lines. However, my favourite
interpretation of this form is illustrated by the poem below.

There’s no greater pleasure than
kissing
I say this whilst we’re reminiscing.
Your lips against mine: our tongues intertwined
Let’s try it: find out what you’re missing.

This version of the gwawdodyn follows this structure:

x x x x x x x x a
x x x x x x x x a
x x x x b x x x x b
x x x x x x x x a

Each x represents a syllable. Lines 1, 2 and 4 each have nine syllables,
and an ‘a’ rhyme. Line 3 has ten syllables and an internal ‘b’ rhyme.

Keep in mind there are other versions of this (and perhaps the reason I
like this one so much is because it reminds me of the limerick). As always, I
look forward to seeing your poetry in the comments box below.

Writing Exercise – Strambatto

by | September 6, 2015 | | 3 Comments

 By Ashley Lister

You know I like to see you wearing stockings 

And it’s true I’d love to see you in a thong 

The sexy lingerie look’s one you’re rocking 

It makes my need for you grow: both long and strong 

Whilst some of my kinky thoughts are quite shocking 

When I share them here in this poetic song 

If you are supportive and never mocking 

I’m sure that you and I shall get along 

Similar in construction to the Ottava Rima, the Strambatto is also eight hendecasyllabic (11 syllables) lines. However, the rhyme scheme for the Strambatto presented here, the Sicilian form, is a simple alternating structure: a, b, a, b, a, b, a, b.

I think 11 syllable lines can be quite a challenge so, this month, I particularly look forward to seeing your poems in the comments box below.

 Ash

Writing Exercise – The Rictameter

by | August 6, 2015 | | 23 Comments

 By Ashley Lister

Butt plugs
Round and shiny
Smothered in moist slick lube
Too much stretching, spreading, filling
And then it stops. And sits so snug inside
Before it is pulled out again
Expelled in a hot rush
A shameful bliss
So sweet

The rictameter is a modern form of syllable poetry that
looks as pretty on the page as it sounds to the ear. There is no rhyme in this
form. The rictameter begins with a two syllable opening line and ends with a
two syllable closure. The syllable count increases in two syllable increments
until there’s a ten syllable line, and then it decreases by two syllables each
line in an easy to follow pattern: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 8, 6, 4, 2.

Kisses
Light and tender
Stolen in sly moments
Soft signs of our intimacy
That sometimes banish all of the softness
And lead to something much harder
The sultry slipping of
your sweet lips on
my mouth

As always, I look forward to reading your rictameters in the
comments box below.

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