by Ashley Lister
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m going a little stir-crazy with all this lockdown/quarantine stuff. Obviously, I’m being a good and dutiful citizen, working from home (where I deliver online lectures) and practising social distancing on the rare occasions when I have to step outside.
The executor gave me a big, dusty box
Whilst I was still trying to mourn
When I looked inside,
my smile grew so wide:
Because I’d inherited all Grandpa’s porn
But it’s such an unusual situation. And, because I pride myself on being relatively productive, I’ve been going into overdrive publishing titles (where the rights have reverted to me) and even going so far as to publish a collection of my personal highly offensive poetry.
Now Grandpa’d lived a long full life
He’d loved his kids. He’d loved his wife.
He loved his beer. And he loved his fags
But his biggest love was his titty mags.
I’ve been writing poetry for more than a decade now and it’s slowly been getting more and more offensive. I suppose part of the challenge is pushing myself to the limit and seeing how much I dare say to an audience when I’m on a microphone. I know this has resulted in upsetting one or two audience members, but it’s also resulted in making several other audience members laugh with all the gusto that leaves a person breathless and satisfied.
And I sorted slowly through the dog-eared pages
A collection so vast it must have drained his wages
And I looked at all the women in their seventies glam
And I stared in wide-eyed wonder at each very bearded clam.
And so, it was relatively easy to put the collection together. I keep each of my poems stored on a cloud and I simply dumped them into a MS Word document, and then uploaded the document to Amazon Kindle. Because I was doing this over a period of a week I had a chance to read through each of the poems and decide whether or not it deserved its place in the final collection. Some of them no longer amused me and so they were ignored. Some of them, the ones that earned a place in the book, had me chuckling as I tidied up formatting and spelling prior to publication.
I saw a vadge so hirsute
It looked like an adult malamute
And another looked just like some big Maine Coone cat
There was one that looked weird
Like Chewbacca’s beard
And another that looked like Trump’s wig on her twat
Even though this is a link to that book, this blog post is not intended as a sales pitch. This blog post is simply my way of saying, I’m going stir crazy here, and this is how I’m coping. What are you guys doing to stop yourself from going all ‘Yellow Wallpaper’? Replies in the comments box below, please.