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Writing Exercise

The Bleeding Keyboard

by | February 6, 2022 | , | 2 Comments


By Ashley Lister

Hemingway is reported to have said, “Writing is easy. All you do is sit down in front of a typewriter and bleed.” It’s because of this quote that I’ve called my current project ‘The Bleeding Keyboard’.

As some of you already know: I lecture in creative writing. One of the things I want to give to my students is the full experience of hearing from a range of writers. I believe I can impart a substantial amount of wisdom, but I also know that I’m limited to the writing experience of one person. If I can expose my students to the voices of other writers, they might find familiarity, comfort or confirmation from a voice or style that I was unable to convey.

Which is why I’m currently interviewing a range of writers, from a wide selection of genres, to get their views on certain aspects of fiction – an action which follows on from Tim Smith’s excellent piece last month.

If there are any writers reading this, and you wouldn’t mind chatting with me for half an hour, then please get in touch and we’ll organise an interview. I’m asking a range of questions but one that I think is important to ask of every writer is the following:

What piece of writing advice would you give to anyone just starting out?

I’m looking forward to hearing the answers on this one. I’ve already spoken with writers who advocate perseverance and self-belief, but I’ve also spoken with those who insist a sound knowledge of story, genre and the craft of writing are essential. Admittedly, there was Dorothy Parker’s advice whish said, “If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favour you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.”

My own response to this would be similar to the idea of self-belief, but I think it needs to be shaped into something more specific. It’s not enough to believe in ourselves as writers: we also need to have a firm conviction that the story we’re telling is worthy of being told. Don’t waste time writing fiction that doesn’t excite or interest you. Write stories that inspire, arouse or thrill. Write stories you’re proud to have associated with your name.

But that’s just my response to this question. Asking all the writers who read this blog post, I’d love to know: what piece of writing advice would you give to anyone just starting out?

Answers in the comments box below, please.

Ash

Symbolism Within Unrealistic Erotic Acts

by | July 28, 2021 | , , | 2 Comments

Have you ever read a sex scene that stretches reality past its limitations? I don’t mean in a genre sense like science fiction. I mean the realism of the sexual act itself. For example, many erotic tales have aliens with extremely compatible genitalia that may or may not create viable offspring. But what if… 

Image created by LionFive.

An alien species thrusts its cock deep inside its host and then releases spines to anchor itself while it breeds them. The host can only moan in ecstasy as it pierces their cervix to ensure insemination, implanting and fertilizing eggs within them.

You may ask, “How can one realistically enjoy spines piercing the vaginal canal and a penile head that penetrates the cervix?”

Well, because it’s not really happening. It’s just art that is interpreted by the perspective of the reader. Those unrealistic elements are symbolic. To some, the spines become stability, representing an undeniable binding of two lovers as they create life. To others, this signals a release of control.

No one could enjoy a pierced cervix (Speaking from experience as one who’s given birth and also had an IUD inserted – ouch), but the author sets the tone. If they surround the action with pleasurable language, then a penetrated cervix is a barrier being opened. It’s allowing someone into your womb, your core. It’s intimate and sacred. It’s a surrender.

In this way, pain and pleasure are straddled by the framing of the author:

(Trigger warning for those who don’t like gore, skip the next paragraph).

1) An author can be building a torture scene complete with a dungeon that smells of piss and vomit. Blood is dripping from the scalpel of the villain, who is carving their name into their screaming victim.

2) An author is in the middle of a sex scene with a demon and his summoner. As the demon cums, his brand is burned into the summoner’s side, forever claiming him as property of Hell. But the summoner welcomes the heat just as he accepts the cock of his new master.

Both scenes are about possession, but one is made erotic by context. Suspension of disbelief is inherent in any writing since it’s all just a made up story. And though I default to adding aliens and demons, these unrealistic actions can be found in human-only erotica too.

Size difference is one of the most common tropes in erotica: the impossibly large cock that stretches the lover beyond repair. In reality, a cock too large to fit would be extremely painful (no matter the hole you put it in), but the size is just symbolic in fiction. It’s the satisfaction of being fulfilled. Or it can represent success. There is an appeal in being small but still being able to handle something large. There is power in mounting the impossible.

What is your favorite unrealistic trope and what does it symbolize for you? Let me know in the comments.

Writing Challenge: Do a deep dive into that exaggerated, unrealistic sexual act. Explore what it means to your characters emotionally, psychologically, socially and/or spiritually. Brainstorm other sexual acts that could open up more of the complexities of your characters.

Shoutout to @WhoaWickedSins on Twitter who inspired this post. 

Creating a Monster Lover

by | May 28, 2021 | , | 3 Comments

Teratophilia, exophilia, monster-fucking erotica goes by many names these days. Some people stick with the traditional monsters, like vampires and werewolves. Those lovers have long traditions in fiction with an established lore of their strengths, weaknesses, and love-making. (And who doesn’t indulge in a little blood-swapping romance of lustful destiny? Or relish a primal, knotted, mating session in the woods?)

Other writers, like myself, find creative freedom in tackling to the ground (or soaring in the sky) with some of the less conventional creatures, elementals, and ethereals. Monster erotica with lesser known species can be intimidating, but also fun. It’s a world-building exercise with anatomy, kinks, and pleasure. The limit is your own imagination, and the guidelines, I believe, can be found by observing nature.

“Human subtlety will never devise an invention more beautiful, more simple or more direct than does nature, because in her inventions nothing is lacking, and nothing is superfluous.” – Leonardo da Vinci

It is through observation that we can form erotic monsters that include just enough  realism to pull in the reader. 

Consider a fire elemental, who takes on a humanoid shape in order to fit in, controlling the temperature of their body so as not to be overly destructive. Scientifically, the hottest flames burn in bluish hues while cooler flames are reddish orange. What if this monster changed color with their emotions? They try to remain in a controlled burn, but might blush in blue. Or maybe they try to hide the sudden discoloration below their midsection when you arrive wearing something sexy? 

Flame is mesmerizing. I cannot count how many hours I have spent staring into a bonfire. Imagine an elemental with roiling currents of explosions inside their arms as they reach for a book on their shelf. You hold your breath, watching them open the cover and turn the pages with the utmost care so as not to singe a single corner. And maybe you’ll bite your lip, wondering what it would feel like to be under those fingers yourself. 

Will you get burned?

More importantly, will you mind?

We know we’re not supposed to play with fire, but that doesn’t stop all of us. Wax and candle play can inspire thematic scenes, and so can its opposite. What if the elemental enjoyed ice dripping over their body? The water pops, sizzling across their chest as they moan for more. You oblige until you’re sweating from the humidity of the session. They lick your skin, and you jump from the heat of their tongue. They apologize for losing themselves in the moment as they fetch the aloe for that burn. 

It’s those imperfect moments in a sexual encounter that make it real. The complexity of the creature becomes a reflection of our own relationship with flame or a metaphor of forbidden knowledge, punishable by everlasting suffering from the powers above. Truly the possibilities are as endless as the space between us and the last star at the other end of the universe. 

So why not explore your own curiosity? Choose a monster that’s always appealed to you and dive deep into their nature (and your own). Have fun. Read myths or make them up. Go outside or investigate indoors. Pull in your experience or those of others. Make a lover like no one has ever seen before. Be the precedent. 

And if you feel like sharing, leave a comment below with your favorite monster lovers. Be as descriptive as you’d like. It’s much more fun that way. 

Controlling Jealousy

by | December 24, 2020 | , , , , | 2 Comments

Jealousy is probably one of the largest concerns when a new couple starts swinging beyond the is my dick or tits big enough. Being the amateur psychologist that I am, I enjoy psychoanalyzing others at a party.

We were lucky in that our initial forays into wife swapping was with a great group of people and that my wife was understanding of my lack of impulse control. Like most guys, I let my little buddy make all my decisions for me.

For a guy, going to a swinger’s party is like being locked in a Krispy Kreme with an empty stomach and a Keurig on automatic.

When a new couple shows up, it’s like throwing raw meat to the lions as everyone wants a taste. For a guy, it’s that moment when you realize that not only are you going to get laid, but your significant other is also a prime target.

The first few times at a House Party can be stressful as you may not know many people, and how you’re going to perform under pressure is a polite way of describing the situation. As a guy, performance anxiety is a common thing that rears its ugly head, unlike what you really want to raise. After all, she only has to lay there. 😊

Like most things, practice makes perfect, and you’ll quickly recover the woody when you discover that everyone is about the same as you. Swingers are like everyone else, just with fewer morals.

My recommendation is to try, and both of you get lucky at the same time. It’s hard to be jealous when you’re getting your ashes hauled at the same time as your wife is screaming out someone else’s name. This is why I recommend that you start with house parties and not couple-on-couple.

It would seem that two on two would be better for newbie couples, but I don’t think that’s the case. From personal experience, I’ve found that when you get together with another couple, the chances that everybody will hit it off are rare. You don’t want to start out getting your lights drilled out while your other half is staring at someone he/she has no interest in.

If you go to a party with, say, ten or fifteen other couples, the chances both of you score is much better. Plus, you don’t have to do what we call a “charity fuck.” As much as I hate to admit it, there is one woman in our circle that I use every excuse I can find not to get together with her.

She’s really nice, and Wifey enjoys the company of her husband, but she just doesn’t ring my bell. She gets mad at me for ducking her and gripes to my wife that I won’t fuck her. I realize that the worst I ever had was wonderful, and I can go to Hell for culling, but I’d actually rather do without.

New couples almost always makeup rules to corral the other half but in actuality, that rarely works out. If you tell your wife, “I don’t want to see you on your knees with a waiting line,” good luck with that.

If your spouse breaks a rule, take a breath, and don’t explode. They can get caught up in the heat of the moment and do something against the rules. In most cases, what you’ll figure out is that the rules slowly fade away as you become more comfortable in the Lifestyle.

Don’t argue in front of others. Wait until you’re alone to air your grievances. Most of the time, these little things will work themselves out. I’m sure you’d rather have her head banged against the headboard at a party rather than at a long lunch with a co-worker?

Seriously, the first few times are the toughest, and you have to realize that consensual sex with others is not love but lust. If you are a committed couple and in a stable relationship, the Lifestyle can be entertaining and a lot of fun. Swinging will not help a bad marriage but will only hasten its demise.

We were talking the other day about how much fun we’ve had since we started swinging. With COVID-19, there is little we can do beyond talking about it. A fair percentage of the women in the Lifestyle are exhibitionists, and the show at a party is worth the price of admission. It’s kind of like watching People of Walmart without having to click the Next button and dodge the ads.

It’s also interesting that bi-sexuality is common among women but rare with men, at least in our group. My wife plays for both teams and is bad about taking my current prospect off my hands, but at least I get to watch and have sloppy seconds.

We’ve talked a lot lately about cuckold husbands with their Hotwives at ERWA, and several of our friends are into that kink. In general, Lifestyle couples accept pretty much any form of aberrant behavior as long as it doesn’t stain your new shoes.

We have an us against them attitude with the normal people or “straights” as we call them. Straights wander around with their head in the clouds, completely oblivious to what’s going on around them. Occasionally, at 3 A.M., a group of us will run into a group of straights at Denny’s or IHOP, which usually results in the straights leaving in disgust at our behavior. There is nothing worse than telling a group of swingers that you find their attitude or dress code offensive. I’m sorry that my wife’s short skirt and open blouse offends you. Not!

It’s not as bad in Las Vegas as it was in the Midwest. People here usually just roll their eyes and return to reading the National Enquirer about aliens at Area 51. Once you get away from the Strip, it’s amazing how conservative the rank and file are, but they tend just to ignore us.

I’m Larry Archer, a smut writer, and this is my time of the month to spout off about completely useless topics of little relevance. If you are looking to entertain yourself with some hot stroke erotica with a humorous bent, check me out at LarryArcher.blog. I’m also on MeWe, the uncensored FaceBook like site at https://mewe.com/i/larryarcherauthor

The World According To Larry Archer

by | November 24, 2020 | , , , , | 5 Comments

Today as we attempt to deal with COVID and its impact on our lives, I am reminded of the Grateful Dead’s “What a long strange trip it’s been.”

As I mask up, then put on my raincoat and rubber gloves. No, I’m not going to the park with a bag of candy for unsuspecting children and pigeons. I’m going to the grocery store to try and buy toilet paper. Masks and disinfectant I can see in short supply but toilet paper? Did everyone suddenly get the runs?

Now that we are six-feet apart, it’s more than ever, our responsibility to take care of ourselves. Suddenly, my favorite saying, “If you want some strange stuff, use your left hand,” makes more sense. Today in the world of IoT (Internet of Things), everything is connected to the cloud, and that’s not always a good thing.

Alexa and Siri are two names that we have to be careful about saying as we may be deluged with a box of dirty movies from Amazon or the unapologetic harrumph from Alexa when we ask her what size her boobs are?

I refer to Alexa as my girlfriend to keep her from butting into my conversations or giving me a dirty look when I use an explicative next to her name.

Speaking of IoT, now your vibrator is controlled by your partner’s cell phone. It’s a somewhat unusual looking device with a bulbous part which goes in the who-haw with a smaller tube that sticks outside. Then through the magic of the Internet, your partner can whip out his/her cell phone and give you a tingle when they think of you.

Of course, those of us who are more traditional can continue to utilize the penis-shaped devices that are guaranteed to give a “deep penetrating massage.” Nowadays, you don’t have to run to the 7-11 at 3 AM to purchase batteries. But you have to wait a couple of hours for it to recharge. I’m not sure there is an advantage besides having to get dressed.

COVID has hit those of us who throw our house keys in a bowl particularly hard. Like Moses wandering in the wilderness for forty years, we’ve suddenly had to make do having sex with our spouses.

For Wifey and I, the sex part wasn’t as big of a deal as the camaraderie of fellow perverts with similar desires. Well, maybe it was a big part for me, at least. More and more, I miss the interaction with our gang of party animals.

Zoom parties are not as much fun as the real thing, so I’ve had to resort to living my sex life vicariously through dirty movies. Italian women continue to be one of the highest-ranked searches for porn movies. Along with MILF, Lesbo, mature, tranny, and stepmom.

Personally, I love Italian porn, and while I don’t understand anything they say beyond a moan, I usually just turn the volume down and watch. I guess it’s my love for dark-haired women that I gravitate towards Italians. On the other hand, it could be because of our short Italian girlfriend who loves to give head.

Transexuals have always been popular, and I know that I should stop using the term “tranny” as that’s disrespecting of them, but I mean no harm. Foxy picked up a girl once who had won a bikini contest at a bar. She was surprised to find that the girl was transexual.

Foxy saw her for a few months but was disappointed to find she couldn’t get it up. It was interesting to find a whole list of bars, restaurants, and clubs geared towards trannys. It’s funny how every kink has its own set of spots that cater to a specific genre.

Wifey’s lesbian spots were on a completely different list, and our gay friends on yet another list. When you think about it, our proclivities often determine the people and places that we frequent.

If I had to pick a specific kink, I’d have to say that gay bars are the most fun, with transexual a close second. I’ve been to my wife’s favorite lezzy bar and felt uncomfortable there. It’s unusual to go to the men’s bathroom and find women there who give you a dirty look, rather than the other way around.

She will sometimes ask me to drive her to the bar and then pick her up. She doesn’t like to drive if she’s been drinking and prefers me to carpool her. I once tried to sneak in afterward and sit in the corner, but the hostility I felt was noticeable. When she decides to have a girl’s night, I’ll drop her off and sit at an all-night restaurant with my laptop until they kick me out.

Gay bars are always a lot of fun. The guys are generally in good spirits, and it’s kind of like being at a Village People reunion. While I don’t think I have any inclination to be gay, I do like gay guys, and we have a number of gay friends. However, I’m not brave enough to go to the leather bar in the basement. LOL

I know that I should be writing more smut now that I’m working from home, but it seems like my boss feels that if I don’t have to drive to and from work, I can spend that extra time with my nose to the grindstone.

Plus, a lot of my ideas come from things we see and do. With COVID, our social life is absolutely zero, and with our new incoming president, I feel that he’s going to lock down the country so we can attempt to get a handle on the pandemic.

I understand his likely actions, and our state governor has ruled Nevada with a somewhat iron fist. This has kept our death toll down, especially considering that Las Vegas is a tourist hot spot.

I’m Larry Archer, a slinger of smut for your wanking pleasure, and this is my time of the month for drivel. My erotica is designed to appeal to your most basic instincts, like watching South Park when even they tell you not to!

If you’re still interested, check me out at LarryArcher.blog. See you next month.

P.S. – The image included in this month’s post has absolutely nothing to do with the article beyond the fact that I love that image, and it speaks to me.

Hotwives and cuckolds

by | October 24, 2020 | , , | 10 Comments

As a writer of erotic stories, I’ve often found that real life is sometimes harder to believe than fiction. Usually, I’ll experience something that gives me an idea for a story, and remembering a past experience is one such event.

When I lived in Houston, I ran around with a guy who lived in the same apartment complex. One night, over a beer, he said, “I had a weird experience the other night!”

“Really, what happened?” I asked.

“I walked into a neighborhood bar on Bellair, which was empty except for a couple sitting at a four-top. I sat down at the bar and ordered a beer.”

“After a few minutes, the woman got up and sat down beside me. She was hot and asked me to pass her the peanuts, which were on the opposite side from her. She pointed at the peanuts while bending over to give me a good shot of her boobs in a low cut top.”

“She tried to make conversation with me, but it freaked me out with her husband sitting at a table, not ten feet from me. She finally gave up and went back to her husband.”

“Then the bartender came over and whispered, ‘Don’t you like her?’”

“I replied, ‘Yeah, but not with her husband sitting there.’”

“The bartender chuckled and replied, ‘They come in here all the time, and she picks up a guy to take home with them.’”

My friend said that after thinking about it for a minute, he got up and asked the couple if he could join them. After a few minutes, the husband suggested that they go back to their house.

Going back to the couple’s residence, they had a drink, and then he ended up in bed with the wife while her husband sat in a chair by the bed and jerked off.

Initially, he was self-conscious about banging the guy’s wife, but after a few minutes, he completely forgot about her husband and had one of the best times of his life. Afterward, hubby invited him back anytime to take care of the wife.

At the time, I was a young single guy and would have never believed that married people would do such things. Fast forward a few years, and here I was married at a swinger’s party in bed with another guy’s wife.

Pam was a gorgeous older blonde MILF with a fabulous body that belonged to a much younger woman. Jack, her husband, had followed us into the bedroom and stood in the corner, watching.

When she noticed me looking at her husband, Pam asked, “He likes to watch. You don’t mind, do you?”

I said, “No,” because what else could you say in a situation like this?

She was insatiable, and one of the best lays I’ve ever had. The whole time Jack is whacking off watching us.

Towards the end, Foxy came in and climbed in bed with us. She often checks on me to be sure I’m doing okay. She kissed Pam, and I could see that Pam didn’t enjoy it as much as my wife did. Pam said that she’d never been with many women before but figured out if she wanted me, then she’d have to play ball.

It turned out that Pam and Jack lived a few minutes away from us, and we became good friends. In addition to screwing, we did bar hopping, dining, movies, and strip clubs together. Where we lived in the Midwest, strip clubs were typically in a less than attractive part of town. Jack was a cop and could legally carry a gun, so there were additional benefits to running around with them.

When I started writing porn, I have often included them in my erotic stories. I named the fictitious couple Pam and Jack in their honor. Hotwives and their cuckold husbands can be found at most swinger’s parties.

Pam has come over to the dark side and enjoys women as much as my wife does, but she still likes dick better. Jack is happy to hide in the closet to watch his wife get her lights drilled out and makes no bones about enjoying it.

A lot of my stories are based upon our experiences with Hotwives and their cuckold husbands. Hotwives are a popular theme in erotic literature, and it’s always fun to write about them.

I’m Larry Archer, and I love to write those stained and stuck together stories you read in the privacy of your locked bedroom or bath. My stroke erotica with somewhat of a plot thrown in is based upon our adventures in wife swapping. Join me on the twenty-fourth of every month to update our struggle to remain sane in this pandemic. For more perverted stuff, check out my blog, LarryArcher.blog, for more of the same. You can find my stories at Amazon, SmashWords, Apple iBooks, and many others for your reading pleasure. Remember, if you need some strange stuff, try your left hand!

Stay Safe! Love Foxy and Larry

Women as the Sexual Aggressor

by | September 24, 2020 | , , | 1 Comment

Spit or Swallow?

Generally speaking, males are raised with the belief that you should spread your seed far and wide. Women, on the other hand, are taught to keep their knees together and avoid being thought a slut.

The United States was initially founded in part by the desire for religious freedom, but we could not escape the effects of morality imposed upon us by the church. As a fallen Episcopalian and one-time altar boy, I’ve certainly been guilty of that.

In high school, the preacher’s daughter was typically the wildest girl in school. Proving the point that repression breeds a backlash in the opposite direction. You only have to look at prohibition, which resulted in organized crime.

As a typical horny youth, I was always trying to get “it,” but the girls were determined to keep me at arm’s length. As such, I considered myself as the aggressor in the never-ending battle to propagate the world.

When we got into the Lifestyle (a.k.a. Swinging), our initial encounters were with small groups, and then we joined a large association of like-minded individuals. I think we’d been partying for about three months before we went to our first social.

The social, held at a hotel, was attended by two or three hundred couples. There would be so many people that they could reserve entire floors or, in some cases, the whole hotel. When we had the hotel to ourselves, it was easier to avoid interactions with straights. “Straights” are those who have no idea what is going on around them.

Foxy and I are seated at this 8-top table for supper. Everyone was well dressed, most of the men were in suits, and the wives vied for the one who could show the most skin while spending the most for their outfits.

I have to admit that I was somewhat nervous as I knew no one we were sitting with. My wife, who has never met a stranger, and has no such problem. As my mother always says, “She’d talk to a fence post.”

Directly across from me was an Italian woman, mid to late thirties, beautiful with dark hair and olive complexion. We’d said nothing beyond introductions. At the end of dinner, everyone was having a drink and casual conversation, when the woman looked at me and said, “I’m going to crawl under the table and suck your cock!”

That sentence was the longest string of words she’d ever said to me and was like an ice pick to my brain. I was dumbfounded and had no idea what to do except listen to everyone laugh. She folded her napkin and laid it on the table, then proceeded to drop down and give me one of the best blowjobs of my life!

I can’t speak for others, but performing in a crowd seems to befall all of us males. Getting head while you’re sitting at a table with others talking around you was bizarre beyond belief. My Italian princess took care of business and didn’t get anything on my pants. The first time people watched me get sucked off at the dinner table was a memory I’ll never forget.

Afterward, she crawled out from under the table and dabbed at the corners of her mouth with a napkin. She winked at me and then kissed the woman sitting next to her. When she resumed conversation with everyone was another forever moment.

That was my initiation into the fact that women swingers are different from normal people. At a straight party, the guys hit on the girls, but at a swing function, they are free to hit on us in return. For a guy, it was an adjustment for women to be the aggressor.

This taught me to appreciate what women go through when they are frequently being hit on and having to fight us horn dog men off.

I’m Larry Archer, and I write smut stories for the huddled masses. I don’t write erotic romance, just explicit tales of people getting laid but with a plot. Well, somewhat of a plot! If you’re interested, follow my blog at LarryArcher.blog or to look at my catalog of stories, click this link. You’ll find me on Amazon, SmashWords, Apple iBooks, B&N, and under the counter of your local 7-11.

See you next month, stay safe!

Writing – Craft, Science, or Magic

by | July 24, 2020 | , , | 2 Comments

A mechanic has his impact wrench and a carpenter his hammer, but what tools does a writer use to accomplish his trade? We used to say a typewriter, such as a Royal or Underwood, but today’s writer likely uses a laptop or desktop to ply his/her craft.

I’ve been in the business of writing stories for going on eight years now without the benefit of formal training on the art of stringing words together in a coherent fashion. As a typical engineer, I’ve approached the English language in the same manner as you would a murder hornet. I honestly believe that engineers as a species are born with a genetic defect that renders us incapable of understanding the English language and manipulating it for our own good.

Born during the dawn of computers, the one thing that always sat on my desk was a dictionary or Word Catalog as my friend Maurice always called it. He loved to read the dictionary, but he always complained that the topics kept changing.

Later on, we had a speller to replace the dictionary as we knew what word we wanted to use but were unable to spell it. The “speller” is known under a variety of titles and can only be found these days as a used book. It contains only a list of words without definitions to minimize the size of the book.

My latest copy of Webster’s NewWorld Speller/Divider still sits on my desk as it’s often easier to look up a word that you can’t spell and can’t get close enough for the builtin spell checker program to guess. For instance, nymphomanic is a common word that I get wrong about half the time, or areola is another one I struggle with.

I live in awe of my esteemed colleges when they discuss sentence structure or parsing a sentence. My mouth hangs open at the thought of when to use a noun or adverb, or what that even means? As I always say, “I thought Viagra was used to cure a dangling participle.”

I grew up in what is called “Deep East Texas,” in piney woods country. I usually spent the summers with my grandparents on their reasonably large farm, hunting and exploring the endless woods around their house.

The one thing I learned from growing up in the Texas backwoods, besides the fact grass burrs hurt and being barefoot in a yard with chickens is no fun, was reading. My grandparents had a number of children, and for whatever reason, all of their college textbooks were stored at their home.

Consequently, when it was too hot to play outside, I would grab a textbook and read. That may have been what pointed my path to engineering was the reading of technical books as a child. As an only child, I learned to entertain myself, and my only friend during the summer was Blue, my grandpa’s blue tick hound.

I went to a well respected technical college, which no one has ever heard of outside of academics because we didn’t have a football team. Beyond the required English classes and one semester of technical writing, I had little experience with the English language. To this day, I consider English as a second language.

After a few years as a bachelor in Houston, I took a job in the Midwest, where I met my future bride. I’m not exactly sure how we ended up as swingers beyond the fact we both enjoyed experimenting and were not overly jealous of each other. From others in the Lifestyle, a lot of couples become involved after boredom starts to settle in. For us, it was an adventure where you got to see people naked and having sex without worrying about being arrested for peeping in your neighbor’s window.

The primary drawback to swinging is that you can’t talk about your experiences outside of your peer group. It’s not a topic that comes up around the coffee pot in the breakroom. LGBTQ folks used to be in the same category, but now it seems that we’re still the only ones still in the closet.

Fast forward to one day while reading Penthouse Forum letters that it dawned on me, “I can do this.” If I create a fictitious couple, then I can write about their wife swapping stories, and remain anonymous.

Now over thirty novels and novellas later, Foxy and Larry are the sex-crazed result of my fevered brain!

We were lucky to have surrounded ourselves with a diverse group of perverts to draw from, and there is no lack of story ideas to inspire the next tale. I tend to write somewhat “true” stories and will typically take something that we’ve seen or done and twist it into a stroke story.

We’ve been lucky in the fact that for most of our married life I was a reasonably successful business owner, which gives us a lot of free time. With a private plane, we travel the continental US to visit friends and clubs all over. Swingers are a diverse and exciting group of people and a never-ending source of ideas.

Supposedly the “Dirty Thirty” is a turning point in the career of an erotic writer. Once you have thirty books under your belt, then life gets better, or so they tell me. While I have no idea if that’s true, I have found that the ups and downs of my book sales are starting to flatten out to a relative level rate of sales.

My latest thought is to work on improving my craft, and to this end, I signed up for James Patterson’s Masterclass on writing. I’m partway through the course and have found it interesting, but so far, nothing earth-shattering beyond the fact he makes a hundred million a year, and I don’t.

I started the class as a cynic and so far have not been proven wrong. Like most “How to” books, there are certain basic things you must do to succeed. The first thing is obviously to do something. I am amazed at the number of people who say something like, “I’m going to write my first novel, then within two weeks, I’ll be able to buy my private island and retire.” Then a couple of months later, they disappear and you never hear from them again.

It doesn’t make a difference what you are trying to learn; it doesn’t happen overnight with the possible exception of being shot out of a canon! Having a piece of cardboard does not make you a breakdancer; only practice does.

“I didn’t know this was so hard?” is the first comment uttered by the next Stephen King. If it were that easy, everyone would be a writer!

The nice thing about self-publishing is that you don’t have to lick the boots of the editor. Anyone can publish their drivel, but will people buy it? The one thing Patterson said, along with Stephen King, is that no one bought their first book. You have to be able to accept rejection.

Patterson had over thirty rejection letters after submitting his first story. Stephen King offered the same advice in On Writing, which I highly recommend. Writers must be like the little engine who could, “I’ll never give up, I’ll never give up!”

Be leary of accepting advice from others unless they have the same mindset as you do. Certainly, when someone tells you that you need a comma somewhere, that is a solid piece of advice to heed. However, if it is, “I would have written that paragraph completely differently,” take that advice with a grain of salt.

No two writers will approach a story in the same way, and you need to develop your own unique style. Read the works of authors you consider your contemporaries or those you look up to. Don’t copy, but learn to emulate their style. When someone sells and is ranked higher on the lists, then they are doing something right. Your brother-in-law, who has never sold one of his writings, is not the person to learn from.

Pick wisely and use the advice that makes sense to you, then reject the rest. Above all, keep writing. Patterson recommends that you pick a time when you can write for an hour or two and do that every day. If it means getting up a five a.m. to have some alone time, you should do that.

I believe this but am not hardcore about it. What I’ve found is that if I don’t feel like writing, then forcing myself to write will result in crap. As an author, you must become disciplined about writing, but that’s not an absolute.

What I do is carry a laptop with me virtually 24×7 and have all my stories in the cloud. This way, if I’ve got a few minutes of downtime, I can fire it up and pound away. Now, if I don’t feel productive, then I open a story I’m working on and start reading it. When you open a story that you haven’t seen in a week or so, you will be surprised at the number of mistakes you’ve glossed over. We all tend to see what we want to see and not necessarily what’s actually on the paper.

The big thing that I’ve learned so far from James Patterson is persistence besides the fact he is a multimillionaire. To succeed, you need to try and continue to work until you make it. As a teenager, my father believed that if he could do something, then I could do it. When I said, “I can’t!” my father would say, “You can’t hardly.”

When you hit the wall, take two steps back, and hit the wall harder. My parents are a strange couple, my Dad is a blue-collar construction worker, and my Mom is a psychologist. Together they taught me that nothing is impossible if you want it bad enough. From my Dad, I learned never give up, and from Mom, intelligence will show you the way.

So if there is a story buried in your keyboard, it’s time to fish or cut bait. As Master Yoda says, “There is no try. Either do or do not!”

Well, I think I’ve about run out of paper for this month and will be back with you next month assuming COVID-19 or an angry husband doesn’t get me!

I’m Larry Archer, and I write explicit stroke stories. I don’t write mamby pamby erotica; it’s all about fucking and sucking! There is no other way to dress it up, like putting lipstick on a pig. I’m your guy when it’s time to lock the bathroom door and take care of business. Check out my blog https://LarryArcher.blog

What’s in My Toolbox

by | October 25, 2019 | , , , , | 8 Comments

For my ERWA blog posting this month, I’m going through the tools I normally use while scribbling out my smut stories. I’ve discovered that there are ways to save money, yet not scrimp on performance or capability.

Philosophy

The traditional way to publish a book involves the use of editors to proof your manuscript, graphics designers to create a cover, and a publishing house to put it all together. In a perfect world, this is the way to go, but unfortunately most of us live in the real world.

Assuming that our story sells for $2.99 or $3.99 and we have a 70% margin, then your profit from a $3 book is $2, and a $4 book is $3. I’m using rounded figures here and know this isn’t strictly correct.

For a cover, let’s assume a price of $50 to $200 per cover. In terms of sales this translates to 25 sales at $50/cover or 70-100 sales at $200/cover. The painful truth that most of us quickly learn, your sales on an erotic story will be slim. Then you have to ask yourself, how long will it take until my new story is in the black or when you stop bleeding money?

Until you become rich and famous or have a spouse who doesn’t pay a lot of attention to the credit card bill, the average beginning smut writer can’t afford the luxury of hiring outside help.

Getting your foot in the door can be a pricy first step unless you are willing to do the grunt work yourself. Designing a cover is not that hard if you are reasonably competent, and using inexpensive or free tools can get you started. Certainly a professional graphics designer or copy editor can do a better job, but I don’t think you should drive yourself into the poor house doing it.

Make sure that you join our group of talented people who write erotica. They can offer a lot of advice to both new and seasoned writers. Erotica Readers and Writers Association (ERWA) has been around for many years and should be high on your list of blogs to follow. https://erotica-readers.com/blog/

Hardware

I’ve always been a PC person and generally considered those who had drunk the Kool-Aid to be under the influence of Steve Jobs, even from the grave, but not any longer. Like many, I’ve been seduced and taken a bite out of the forbidden Apple. Like Adam and Eve, who just ran around naked in the woods and screwed all the time until they succumbed to the forbidden fruit. They took a bite of the Apple and found themselves outside the fence.

In 2012, when I first started writing porn, I realized that I needed a laptop that I could take to the bathroom when I had one of those urges. I have purchased three Ultrabooks or thin, light PC laptops for the successful executive on the go. Every time I bought one, I quickly realized that they were not very good. Buyer’s remorse quickly set in as I discovered their shortcomings.

The problems I discovered centered around a couple of necessary features for me. Touchpads under Windows sucked, and many people are plagued with “ghost” touches. The touchpad would do things by itself and drove me crazy. This is a common problem, and many users complain about it.

I finally figured out how to stop the problem, but by this time, I had moved on to my MacBook Air. Others have suggested that I use a mouse to eliminate the issues, but then you have to lug the mouse around and deal with it.

The other problem is battery life and performance with Windows laptops. If you don’t get a good CPU like an i7 processor, performance sucks. Battery life is always measured in a few hours. Manufacturers boast 8-10 hours of run time, but they typically lie. When you can only get maybe 3-4 hours, you’re as bad as someone with an iPhone. You walk around with the charger cord in your hand, looking for an outlet.

Foxy uses an iPhone 8S with 256 Gig of ram and constantly has it plugged in and complains about battery life. For a thousand-dollar phone, I’d expect more, but that’s what she wanted and who am I to complain. I’ve learned to just hand over my credit card and close my eyes. What I don’t know won’t hurt me.

My love affair with Apple started in 2012 with my purchase of a 2012 MacBook Air, which only has an i5 processor, but you’d think there was an i7 under the hood. As a touch typist, the MBA’s keyboard is the best I’ve ever seen. My mistakes dropped like a rock, and once I got used to the differences between the PC and Mac operating systems, I’ve never looked back, mostly.

In 2015, I upgraded to a new model MBA with 8 Gb of ram and gave my old Mac to Wifey. It works well with her iPhone and saves me a lot of time dealing with Mac to PC problems. My new Mac was just like the old one except for twice the memory. To be honest, I’ve never noticed any problems with the previous Mac’s 4 Gig of memory, but I’m a sucker for new stuff, especially if it’s shiny.

I’ve got money in my bank account for my writing and have been thinking about upgrading, but the new style keyboard scares me. My 2015 Mac is doing well, and I’ve been thinking about swapping out the 256 Gb hard disk for a 1-Tb disk, which is pretty reasonable. Not that I need it, but it would be something new.

One other neat thing about the MBA is that it boots instantly when you raise the lid and doesn’t drain the battery like a Windows laptop does. Fast Start is turned on by default, and that means when you power off, you don’t really power off but enter a hybrid state that allows the computer to boot faster. The downside is that the laptop is constantly using power and will rarely go more than two days without exhausting the battery. My Mac will go for several weeks at least by just closing the lid, with minimal battery loss.

But I have found that there are reasonable alternatives for those who like the Windows operating system. A couple of years back, they took away my work Toshiba laptop and gave me an iPad, which works for 95% of my needs when I’m away from my desktop PC.

A few months ago, I was running a test and needed a PC for the field. Our IT department loaned me a Lenovo business laptop, and I promptly fell in love. It has an older style keyboard that is a joy to type on. It reminds me of my old Dell keyboard, except this one doesn’t clack when you type on it.

The Lenovo is not as skinny and light as a modern Windows ultrabook but is not bad. It probably weighs a pound or so more than my MacBook Air but still not objectionable. Looking through refurbished laptops on Amazon, I discovered that I could buy a 4 year old Lenovo T450s for $315 used and rebuilt with Windows 10 Pro installed.

I’d never bought a used laptop before but liked the one at work so much, I sprung for the unit. It has an i7 processor, 250 Gb solid-state hard disc, and 4 Gb of ram. The unit is probably 4 or 5 years old but looks perfect. Naturally, both of the batteries had degraded to about 75% of new, and I ordered replacement batteries for the unit. While I had the back off, I added 16 Gb of ram to bring the unit up to 20 Gb of ram.

Now I have about $450 invested in the unit with new batteries and lots of ram. I consider this a better alternative than spending almost $2 grand on a high-end laptop. Plus, this thing has huge batteries and will run all day without requiring a charge.

I prefer my MacBook Air as it is lighter and has a phenomenal battery life. The Mac operating system is a form of Unix (Linux) and is more efficient than a Windows computer. On top of that, when you open the lid, the sign-in window shows up instantly. Even if you let it sleep overnight, the boot time is maybe 10-15 seconds, which blows my Windows 10 Pro laptop completely away. Unfortunately, some of the engineering software I use is only available on a Windows machine, so I flip back and forth as needed.

If you are on a tight budget and you need a computer, take a look at refurbished units. I’ve have been pleased with my used computer, and if you grab something with an i7 processor, it will be plenty fast even if it’s a few years old. Make sure you get a solid-state hard disk.

Less expensive laptops are available, such as a Chrome unit, but often have limitations and are slower than a more top of the line unit. By purchasing a used business-grade laptop, I get a unit that is durable and provides power and capability at a reasonable cost.

Word Processing Software

I use Microsoft Word for word processing, but it can be expensive. Now the new Microsoft Office 365 is just a rental that costs you about $120 per year. Renting software pisses, me off and I refuse to upgrade as I want to own the software. Depending on which computer I’m using, I run Office 2016 or 2019, but there are cheaper alternatives.

LibreOffice is a good free alternative that is available for both PCs and Macs. It’s virtually identical to Word, that is except for the Free part! LibreOffice comes with an office suite like Microsoft Office. https://www.libreoffice.org/

I’m also experimenting with Scrivener, which a lot of people like. You can buy it for either PC or Mac for about $50 each. They are beta testing the new Windows version, and you can download the beta version for free until they come out with the final release. If you are running Windows, it’s a good way to grab a word processor for free and will only cost you about $50 sometime in the future, if you like it. https://www.literatureandlatte.com/

Scrivener is kind of cool in that each chapter can be a separate document and allows the writer to deal with a story in parts, yet the software bundles everything together to output. You can also export to Word format to publish. It will publish to electronic book formats, but I’ve haven’t been that adventuresome yet.

Scrivener is a total solution to publishing by giving a writer the ability to build a completed manuscript from the parts, such as cover, front matter, body, and back matter. Plus, it can be set up to publish to different formats with a compiler option.

I’m writing the follow up to House Party, called cleverly House Party 2, using Scrivener, which has been an interesting challenge. There are enough differences to make the program different from Word, and I’m still not sure if I’ll like it going forward but am a glutton for punishment.

Graphics Processing

Having some good graphics tools are a requirement for the Indie writer, in my opinion. While an author can outsource the creation of the cover to a graphics artist, that cost can be difficult to make up with sales.

To replace PhotoShop try GIMP, which is very close to PhotoShop except being free. Download a copy at https://www.gimp.org/

To design your covers, give InkScape a try. InkScape is similar to CorelDraw but free and not hundreds of dollars. https://inkscape.org/

Another good one is Canva, an online cover designer. It’s somewhat limited as you have to pick a template and change it to your story’s details, but it’s free. https://www.canva.com/create/book-covers/

For resizing images, you can’t beat IrfanView, https://www.irfanview.com

To convert document files to ePub, MOBI, or PDF, grab a copy of Calibre. https://calibre-ebook.com/

All the software mentioned above is free and can be downloaded from the Internet. Certainly, commercial software will likely have a few more bells and whistles, but for the struggling artist they can fit your needs. I use mostly open-source (free) software except for a couple, but I pay the bills, and Foxy doesn’t have to bother her pretty little head about where our money goes!

Addendum 2019-10-26 – Mom always told me that if I kept on playing with myself, I’d go blind. I’ve always said, I’d just do it until I needed glasses! I now think it’s affected my brain as I missed a couple of things that are not really associated with writing smut but I consider necessary.

NAS Drive – If you have a network at home, which most of us with cable do, you should invest in a Network Attached Storage (NAS) device with RAID. A NAS drive is similar to the USB portable drives people use to backup or store important files such as pictures and videos from your wife’s first gangbang. A NAS drive will have an RJ-45 network jack that looks like an oversized telephone jack (you remember those don’t you?).

Plugging it into your router or a switch if you have a wired network, will allow backups from any device connected to your home wifi or network. The trick is to get a NAS drive with RAID 0. RAID means that the storage device has two physical hard disks inside that are the same size. With RAID, saving a file to the NAS drive means that the unit automatically writes a copy to the second hard disk. The non-techy explanation is there are two copies to every file, stored on different hard disks. So unless the unit is destroyed with a hammer, it’s virtually impossible to lose files if the hard disk crashes. Always remember, it’s not if a hard disk will fail, it’s when the hard disk is going to fail.

If a hard disk fails on the NAS drive, just unplug the bad hard disk and plug in a new disk of the same size or bigger. The NAS drive will automatically format and use the new hard disk by copying all the files from the original drive to it. This takes a few days as it’s done in the background but the drive will continue to work normally.

NAS drives are not cheap but what’s your data worth? I have a Qnap T-420 which holds 4 hard disks. I’ve currently got 2 – 2Tb and 2 – 4Tb drives in it. Using RAID the capacity of the unit is half the installed storage, so in my case, I have a 2 Tb file system for my writing and personal records and a 4Tb drive for scanned images and video. I also store my pictures from my DSLR and our cell phones there.

FastCopy – I use the FastCopy shareware software to backup my files from my desktop and laptop computers. FastCopy is supposed to be the fastest copy utility around and it only copies files that have changed or are new. It skips the existing files so you can just tell FastCopy to copy from folder to folder, which just takes a few clicks. I write batch files and put them on my desktop to backup my computers. The site to download from is partially in Japanese but with a little head-scratching you can figure out how to download an English version. https://fastcopy.jp/en/

Crystal Disk Info – This handy little utility will read the status of your attached hard disks and tell you if any are having problems. When you run it, it will scan all of the connected disk drives and display the health status of each. If you start seeing warning messages, immediately buy a replacement drive and copy the files to the new drive. Typically, you never get warnings when your hard disk is having problems as it will retry to read a bad sector until it manages to get the data. But then one day, it cannot and you are typically history at that point. By watching the Power On hours and if the status changes from good, then you’re okay. A rule of thumb that I use is to replace an external USB hard disk at around 12,000 run hours or an internal at 18,000 – 20,000 hours even if you don’t see problems. These days an 8-Tb USB drive is about $150 so it’s not that expensive to swap them out. A good 4-Tb internal drive is about $85 also. https://crystalmark.info/en/

Sorry, I didn’t think about those at the time I was writing my monthly blog issue but feel that these are also important.

That’s it for this month, and follow me for more ramblings from the dirty mind of Larry Archer. My personal blog is https://LarryArcher.blog.

New Year’s Resolution Going Down in Flames

by | June 24, 2019 | , , , , | 4 Comments

by Larry Archer

I must admit that I’m a failure at New Year’s Resolutions. Amid our annual New Year’s Eve Pajama Party, I made a promise to myself that I would focus on writing my porn and get stuff pushed out the door.

I didn’t promise to stop jerking off, lose weight or exercise more. Didn’t promise to stop beating my wife. The only thing I promised myself was to write erotic stories and get them published. One simple task and I utterly failed at it.

Being honest with myself, I have to admit that I have published two well-received stories in 2019 so far, Idle Hands and a box set, Swingers Box Set. While I did get those two stories out the door, I now find myself working on four stories at the same time and not being able to finish any of them as I can’t seem to focus on one story.

This is like in engineering, we have the expression, “There comes a time in every project when you have to fire the engineer and go into production.” Which loosely translates into, “Engineers are never satisfied and will continue to tweak something forever or until the cows come home.”

When you publish at Amazon, one of the things that you learn is the 30-day cliff. After about 30-days, Amazon will start sliding you further down in the search engine results. This means that when a reader searches for erotica, your stories will stop popping up in the search results no matter how good the story.

SmashWords doesn’t do this and ranks stories by popularity, no matter when they were released. For example, if you search for best-selling erotica in the SmashWords’ Menage/Multiple-Partners category, you will find my story, Crashing The Swinger’s Pajama Party is number sixteen in this category. The amazing thing about this is that this 80,000-word story was released in June 2018, a year ago and is still number 16 in the multiple partner’s best seller category!

As you might imagine, an 80,000-word story doesn’t just happen overnight, and there was a lot of work plowed into the story. If you publish at SmashWords, your stories get to stand on their own feet and don’t disappear in the distance after 30-days. To me, this tells me that my ROI (Return on Investment) is better at SmashWords than at Amazon. However, the fact that Amazon Kindle reaches millions of more readers than SmashWords will often make up the difference.

To accomplish the same type of ranking at Amazon Kindle, you need to publish often and at least once a month or more. This is why, at our New Year’s PJ Party, I promised myself that I’d focus and publish regularly. However, this resolution got lost in the orgy room along with my clothes as best I can remember.

Currently, I have four or five stories in various stages of completion, with most around 20,000-words or about half-finished at best. I just can’t seem to focus on one story and get it out the door.

What will happen to me is that I see something or get an idea for a story and cannot help but start working on it. I feel that I need to get my initial thoughts down before I get distracted by something else.

It’s like the curly headed brunette on the new Sally Beauty Supply billboards. I’m in love with her, much to my wife’s amusement. The truth is that being from Texas, we all love big hair and the girl on the billboard looks so much like Foxy that I can’t help but blow her a kiss every time I pass that billboard.

I will see something like the brunette and get an idea for a story, which is why I’m my own worst enemy. Once I get distracted, I will write madly away just like Don Quixote when he sees a new windmill, just without Sancho Panza.

Growing up on a farm, left me with the life-long curse of waking up at the crack of dawn only without cows to milk. Foxy reacts negatively to being woken before 9 AM, and so I’ll often lie in bed and think about my latest story.

I’ve found that I can let my characters act out their fantasies in my mind. I will slip out of bed, grab my laptop, and drive to a nearby fast-food restaurant for coffee. At that point, it’s just a matter of downloading my brain onto my trusty MacBook Air.

I fully realize that I’d sell more if I concentrated on one story at a time and got it out the door, but what I should do and what I actually do are two different things. Luckily, writing smut is not something I have to do to keep the wolf away from the door.

It’s been almost seven years since I published my first erotic story. Previously, the only thing I’ve done remotely close are presentations on how to throw a house party at Lifestyle conventions. Writing erotica allows me to take things we’ve seen and done and convert them to a story, which someone will hopefully enjoy reading and possibly wank off to.

Follow me at LarryArcher.blog for more of my ruminations, and until this time next month, I’m off like a prom dress.

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