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Writing Porn at Work

by | Aug 24, 2018 | Writing Craft | 4 comments

If you have a job that doesn’t occupy the entire day, have you thought about writing porn at work but were afraid that the IT department would catch you? Portable versions of LibreOffice might be something to think about.

You’ve likely heard of LibreOffice, an open source or free replacement of Microsoft Word but what is a “Portable” version?

PortableApps is a software package that allows the user to run Windows programs on a USB jump drive without requiring software to be installed on a desktop PC. What does this mean for the typical worker in a corporate environment?

Most of us, as a minion of corporate America, use a computer that is locked down. Without Administrative privileges, a user cannot install software on their desktop PC. Plus the fact that corporate IT regularly sweeps user PC’s to see what their serfs are up to.

This reminds me of the scene in Monty Python’s Search for the Holy Grail when King Author rides through a field with several workers. One of the workers asked, “Who’s that?” A worker replies, “Must be a king?” First worker, “How do you know he’s the king?” Answer, “He doesn’t have shit all over him.”

What’s a worker bee to do? Into the ring, PortableApps steps up to solve a problem. Keep in mind that what I’m about to tell you might get yourself into trouble with your employer, and so I have no responsibility for anything that happens to you.

Using a USB jump drive or thumb drive, you can install applications which run off the USB drive without requiring installation on your desktop PC. Furthermore, when you exit a program, it deletes the temporary folder created to completely erase any trace that it ever existed.

In plain English, this means that you can pull a jump drive out of your pocket or purse and plug it into your locked down work computer. Then run word processing and graphics applications that allow you to do work that would normally require Word, Excel, or PhotoShop. Then after you exit the programs, pull the jump drive out, and all traces of what you’ve been doing are erased.

There are a ton of programs, which have portable versions, that can be run from a thumb drive. It is a little slower than having the software installed on your PC, but slower is better than nothing. The program itself runs at typically the same speed, it just loads slower as a USB drive is slower reading than the hard disk.

For an Indie author, especially the paranoid type, being able to work on your latest masterpiece without worrying that your employer might find out that you’re a pervert can be a definite advantage for those who have free time at work.

If you haven’t tried LibreOffice, it is an open source clone of Microsoft Word and can easily read and write Word files. A Word user should feel right at home with LibreOffice, and it’s completely free!

Portable applications are available for GIMP, a PhotoShop clone, along with most of the other programs used by Indie authors to create and publish their stories. It typically takes 2gb of space to install a full suite of programs, which leaves plenty of space to store your work with an 8gb or larger jump drive. With jump drives selling for under twenty dollars, consider giving this a try.

Below find step by step directions on installing PortableApps onto a jump drive along with a common suite of useful programs.

Installing PortableApps On a Jump Drive

  1. For Windows PC’s, go to https://portableapps.com/ and install the PortableApps program on a jump drive. I suggest at least an 8gb drive or larger. For this article, I downloaded “PortableApps.com_Platform_Setup_15.0.2.paf.exe” to the Downloads folder of my desktop running 64bit Windows 10 Professional.
  2. Run the program you just downloaded, which in my case was version 15.0.2 (the latest as of 8/18/18). Go through the normal installation questions and select “New Install” when prompted.
  3. Plug a USB Jump Drive into your computer and select “Portable” as the Install Location. The installation program should default to the jump drive but if it doesn’t, select the appropriate Jump Drive. Okay the “are you sure” question to Install. Then click Finish when the installation is complete. This should automatically run the PortableApps program on the Jump Drive.
  4. Go through the list of available programs and check the ones you’d like installed. I’d suggest you include LibreOffice, GIMP, Note++, IrfanView, JPEGView, Fotografix, Inkscape, Scribus, Sigil, Kaspersky TDSSKiller, 7-Zip, Don’t Panic, and FastCopy to start. Feel free to add any others that strike your fancy. After you click Next, wait for the apps to be installed. Depending on the speed of your computer and Internet connection, this could be a while. There should be an icon in your taskbar showing the progression of the installs. I’m on a 300 Mbit cable connection and using an i7 computer, and it still took me 10-15 minutes to install the apps selected above.
  5. Assuming that you don’t get any errors, installing at a minimum the above list of programs will enable you to read/write Word, Excel, and PowerPoint documents, edit graphics (aka PhotoShop) and create covers (aka CorelDraw). You will probably have to agree to a few license agreements along the way, and hopefully, you don’t end up like Kyle from South Park when he agrees to be a HUMANCENTiPAD! Much less the cuttlefish!
  6. One of the recommended programs I installed in this How To guide is “Don’t Panic,” which is what we used to call a “Boss Switch” that hides your work. If you’re doing something that you shouldn’t and your boss or co-worker starts heading towards your desk, press the hotkey combination, and your program(s) are instantly hidden. Remember that I’m not recommending you screw off at work!

Am Writing

Currently, my story de jour is still House Party about surprisingly a house party. House party is an acronym of a swinger’s party with a number of twists and turns from my normal fare. I’m still not sure how it’s going to turn out but will hopefully be HEA in the end!

House Party is currently over 52,000 words and going strong despite all efforts to end the story. Amazon has a 30-day cliff, and if you don’t publish on a regular basis, you get kicked to the curb. But my characters don’t seem to appreciate the fact that it’s Publish or Perish!

Thanks for reading and if it’s the 24th, it’s another bit of smut from Larry Archer. Visit me at LarryArcher.blog for more pervy stuff. Sorry, I can’t offer any cooking or house cleaning tips but if it involves abusing yourself, drop me a line: Larry [at] LarryArcher [dot] com.

About the Author Larry Archer

Larry Archer is an author of explicit erotica stories, primarily stroke material but with a plot (I’d like to think). I write about swingers, girl-on-girl, cuckold/Hotwife couples, strip clubs, some BDSM, and everything bareback in a light-hearted humorous style.
I’ve been writing smut for a little over five years and think I have a decent aptitude for it. Wifey and I are in “The Lifestyle” and use our adventures as a basis for a lot of the stories I have written. My motto is “Erotica from the dirty mind of Larry Archer,” which pretty much says it all.
I enjoy writing dirty smut stories, which are full of people doing things to each other that are probably against the law somewhere. My audience also includes a lot of women, which has always surprised me as I consider my porn more for guys. But it seems that a lot of women like stories about consensual no strings attached (NSA) sex, which are always HEA.
My erotica is basically written in a realistic escapism style, which allows you to fantasize about scenes, which most people will never experience. While somewhat extreme at times, the storyline is never so far-fetched that you can’t imagine it actually happening, especially with people we know.
A lot of my stories revolve around a swinger couple, who owns a strip club in Vegas and sound suspiciously like us! While the choice to write ourselves into our stories, was probably a poor decision at the time, I initially started out writing about our life experiences and our alter egos, Foxy and Larry, took on a life of their own.
I typically write Novellas or stories in the 20 to 60,000-word category. My writing style is like that of Stephen King, where I turn the characters lose between my ears and just write down what they do, as the story plays out in my mind. I’m just a scribe who stands in the background and copies everything down that the perverts say and do while trying not to get anything splashed on my keyboard.
Probably different from a lot of writers, I do not have an English or Literature background. My training is in engineering and computer programming, which if you know engineers you realize that we struggle with proper English. But I’d like to think that my stories are reasonably well put together and readable. I’ve published 20 stories to date, which have all been typically 4-5 star rated. I self-publish and do all my own covers, so I’m a one-stop shop, with nobody to blame but myself.
I publish on Amazon, SmashWords, Excessica, Apple, B&N, Kobo, Excitica, as well as a number of others. Visit me at LarryArcher.blog to contact me or learn more about my stories here LarryArcher.blog/stories.

4 Comments

  1. Naughty but fab idea. Thanks. X

  2. Good to know. I might have a need one day. Thanks.

  3. “Then after you exit the programs, pull the jump drive out, and all traces of what you’ve been doing are erased.”

    I do not think this is quite true, Larry. Anytime you run a program on Windows (and most other OS’s), it will create temporary files, modify registry entries, create log messages and so on. Your files might be gone (though I wouldn’t bet on that, since OS’s tend to buffer content in memory to improve speed), but the fact that you ran an non-authorized program (as well as when, what program and for how long) will definitely still be recorded in your machine, if someone knows how to look.

    Using a work computer for personal business of any sort is very risky. I really don’t recommend it, especially when you can have your own netbook or tablet for working.

    Sorry to be a killjoy. Obviously your mileage may vary, and it does depend on what sort of work environment you have. But you really shouldn’t trust technology too much.

    • Lisabet, as a computer type, I share your concerns but supposedly the portable apps clean up after themselves. When the program runs it creates a temporary folder to hold files that are created while the program is running. It’s similar to running a virtual machine in a sandbox on your desktop. If you terminate normally, the temporary folder is erased.

      You’ll note that I prefaced my point with the user beware admonition. While I’ve run the program on my work environment, it was just for testing benign files and not the Gangbang at the OK Corral. Where did I hear that catchy title at?

      What I probably should have added was the setup that I use. Our wired network is fully locked down and if your NIC card is not in the database, you can’t even log on. We have recently installed WiFi as more and more of us are given iPads for work but that is also supposedly for work-related activities and not YouPorn.

      I have a MacBook Air that I carry around with me for smut and other personal things. Then I have a hotspot that costs me $20/month for 6gb. By using the hotspot all my nefarious activities are somewhat shielded from work. Certainly, a sniffer could and possibly have found me, it’s common for other worker bees to use hotspots or their phones for Internet access.

      While I’m one of the lucky few outside of the IT department with Admin permissions as I do program development, I’m really careful even with work stuff. I have a personal USB drive with RAID to store data on and try to keep my desktop as clear as possible. Every night I power down my drive since our IT folks are creatures of the night, they can see that have an external drive, they can’t access it if they so desired.

      But you are 100% correct that a budding Ernest Hemmingway could be caught, hopefully, the PortableApps program will help to hide him. The original impetus for the program was to be able to run non-authorized software on a locked down machine and I have to have faith that they covered their tracks.

      I used to originally write on a tablet but typing on glass is not conducive to progress and the little keyboards are just too little for touch typing. Windows and Chrome laptops are under $500 bucks now and for a budding author, that’s the way to go in my opinion.

      Thanks as always for keeping me on the straight and narrow but sometimes it’s fun to play in the muddy ditch!

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