The BP Gulf Oil Spill Considered as a Menopausal Woman Melting into a Giant Pool of Water

by | August 15, 2014 | General | 4 comments

The Explosion
During the months of March and April, acquaintances and family members
expressed concern over the warning signs of increasing structural instability
in Ms. Gail Wooding. On the evening of 15 April, while frying potatoes for her
family’s dinner, Ms. Wooding was observed by her daughter to go through an
entire roll of paper towels while exclaiming over the intense heat of the
kitchen. Marie initiated operations to move her homework to a suitable location
after filing unanswered complaints and misgivings to local management. These
operations were interrupted in progress by an explosion event in the vicinity
of the stove. This concussive release of methane was observed to come from Ms.
Wooding as she fanned herself furiously with a dish towel.

“Mom! You are so fucking gross!” observed Marie. Moments later her mother
violently dissipated in an act of spontaneous resummation. The subsequent
collapse of Ms. Wooding into roughly one hundred and five barrels of human
liquid compound caused the daughter to expeditiously move her educational
activities to higher land.

The Spill
Immediately after the meltdown event, paramedics on the scene moved a live web
camera feed previously attached to the ceiling above Ms Wooding’s bed to the
kitchen area to monitor the ongoing spill on a twenty four hour basis. All
attempts to put a cap on what remains of Ms Wooding, and re-coop losses from
web site pay per view subscriptions have so far met with failure.

The Dog
Peeves, the family dog, was observed to voluntarily take the initiative in the
skimming operations, lapping up some of what remained of Ms. Wooding, while
pending the approval of local emergency authorities to evaluate the scene. The
earnest skimming efforts of Peeves may have contributed in some part to the
lessened impact of the flood on the local household habitat known to support a
variety of wildlife, including cockroaches, silverfish and an endangered
species of pygmy land crabs.

The Son
“It was wicked!” exclaimed Wooding’s son Ed. “I mean like – dude!” Ed has held
the office of family son and male heir exclusively for the past decade,
starting with his conception into office in early May of 2001 by Mr. Wooding
and Ms. Wooding. Several attempts to provide a suitable placement for the
office of second son ended in failure, possibly due to the onset of hormonal
changes and an eventual fall off of reproductive interest in Mr. Wooding by
Mrs. Wooding.

The Media
“My friends, you won’t believe what they’re up to now,” declared talk show host
Rush Humbug on Tuesday’s radio broadcast. “This is mind boggling, it shows how
desperate the Obama socialists are getting, folks, this so called menopausal
myth. It’s all being blamed on hormonal warming. Hormonal warming is a liberal
lie. There is no such thing as hormonal warming. There is no evidence of hormonal
warming, and there is no reputable scientist you can name that believes in
hormonal warming. I’ll say it again, my friends, there is no such thing as
female menopause, never has been, never will be. This is just another example
of the far left liberal environmental whackos, and the Obama White House agenda
conspiring with feminazis and the state run liberal media, trying yet again to
convince you to buy their crackpot theories. People – its getting crazy out
there, the absence of critical thinking on this. If Obama really cared about
this situation he’d appoint the dog as The Menopausal Czar. Does he? No!”

Personal Intimates
“You could have busted my nuts, when I heard this!” stated Sheila Wyman, Ms.
Wooding’s secret lesbian lover with whom she had been carrying on a torrid five
year affair, unknown to Mr. Wooding. “Some nights she was on fire. What bakes
my noodle is that all this time I thought it was me getting her hot.”

Mr. Cabot Paddington, who has been secretly running both Ms. Wooding and Ms.
Wyman as covert CIA death squad assassins declined to comment on the
spontaneous resummation of Ms. Wooding, only to say it was not work related.

“I drilled some relief wells into that honey’s big ass every chance I got, when
her man warn’t around.” said blues icon Hound Dog Redman in a Rolling Stone
interview. “I was her back door man. But the bitch, she was trouble. She
couldn’t get enough of that devil stick, and that’s what done ‘er in. I’m
tellin’ ya. This whole thing, it’s just ate up.”

The Authorities
Life insurance underwriters, Skrewiz, Widdow and Children released an official
statement that they will seriously consider all sustainable claims related to
this incident. So far no payments have been given out. The firm of Skrewiz,
Widdow and Children is disputing the claim that Ms. Walling’s demise is
connected with her sudden conversion into water, ruling it as an event of
“willful negligence”.

“There is no actual evidence that Ms. Wooding is in fact deceased. No body has
been produced.” Said the firm in a press release.

The Husband
As barrels of Ms. Wooding flooded into the street and damaged lawn grass
habitats in the adjoining houses, converting them into reeking wetlands,
neighboring residents assaulted Mr. Wooding with their complaints and several
have threatened class action lawsuits. Mr. Wooding rebutted the findings of
civil engineers that vast plumes possibly as far ranging as 22 miles of Ms.
Wooding may be hidden under the foundations of the house. “My wife Gail is
entirely on the surface of the kitchen,” stated Mr. Wooding. “There are no
hidden plumes or reservoirs of her anywhere. I would be the first to inform you
if there were.” Mr. Wooding believes the rapid use of dispersants as well as
the efforts of Peeves the Dog have reduced the buoyancy of Ms. Wooding and
prevented his wife’s further spread.

“We’re sorry for the massive disruption it’s caused their lives,” Said an
emotionally exhausted Mr. Wooding. “But there’s no one who wants this over more
than I do. I would like my wife back.”

C. Sanchez-Garcia



  1. Fiona McGier

    Hey Garce, you're lucky I'm done with all of that! Or I'd be less inclined to chuckle warmly at your story. Very clever, by the way.

    Do you ever watch Doctor Who? They had an episode a few years ago where people were taking pills that helped them lose weight, when in actuality they were "hosting" little aliens called "adipose". When the aliens were ready to "hatch", the person would explode, with water and little adiposes all around the room. You made me think of that with this story.

    And I'm sure that every man whose been through menopause with his wife, would love to get his wife back. In my case, now that it's over, I'm the same as I ever was. Only thing is, now the husband seems to be in "manopause", so we've traded places, I guess. Weird how life works, isn't it?

    • Garceus

      Totally weird. Sometimes I think my wife is still going through it. I think I'm still going through manopause too. So far I've managed not to buy a motorcycle.


  2. Lisabet Sarai

    What are you on, Garce?!!

    Very funny!

    • Garceus

      I'm on a roll Lisabet! I'm still working on the Nixie story trying to get it ready to inflict on you one more time. You remember this for OGG.

      It was inspired by my love of tabloid silliness and a story by somebody I forget titled "The Kennedy Assassination Considered as an Uphill Bicycle Race." That story turned out not to be all that interesting but the title is irresistible and I wanted to come up with something like it.


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