Does pain for pleasure dominate your fantasies?
Let’s talk about BDSM, the consensual giving of control over yourself to someone else. The idea of pain for pleasure is offensive to some, and for others the ideal relationships are with individuals who use pain and power to create sexual tension, and pleasure. The questions are: Does the concept of BDSM disturb you? Do you find yourself drawn to BDSM, and if so are you afraid of it—or do you embrace it?
From Anonymous
I have been into BDSM all of my adult life and have met many women who want to give up control to myself. I read when I was young and wanted to explore it in anyway I could. The internet was a massive step for me and helped me meet like minded people. I love being in full control and exploring how far different women can go in all sorts of situation we develop between us. This is a trusting partnership as well as a sexual one, the mind is a powerful entity and can take you to places you can sometimes only dream of.
From Carolspet
I am truly my wifes slave, She controls me 100%, She uses a crop on my ass. And makes me cry, I love giving her total control over me, Yes I am very Submissive. And I love the pain. And humiluation. I live for it. I dress in female lingerie, she spanks me. And humiluates me. Strapon fucks me. Am her toilet slave, licking and worshiping her ass and pussy, farting and pissing in my face as she laughs at me. I adore her. I love her smells, And serving her. She totally controls me.
From Louis Vega
After 22 years of marriage and texting with my wife while she was out of town, she had no objections to being blindfolded and tied up. To make sure it happens again I decided to take baby steps into BDSM. She enjoyed all the teasing and not knowing what was coming next. She was as wet as ever and once the ties were off and the fucking began we were in positions we don’t venture. I am looking forward to our next venture.
From Jim
I fantasize about my wife wanting to be tied up and taken in all manners of ways, and in retaliation making me her sex slave forcing me into bondage and manhandled and disciplined when not exactly what she wants. Such fantasy I’ve had for years. If only…
From Jack
This sudden rise in BDSM interest because of poorly written book (50 Shades of Grey) is a case for how influencial fiction can be. Of course we have to figure it is also good timing with porn and erotica now in the mainstream and out of the ‘naughty’ underground, the adult industry and publishers need to move into something with that ‘sexual shock’ thing to keep sales up.
Personally, the rough stuff is not my thing. I rather kiss a luscious backside, than smack it. I rather suck on puffy nipples, than clip ’em. BDSM is not my bag-gage.
From Anonymous
I have fond memories of a former girlfriend who liked to dabble in various BDSM scenes. It started out as sexy kinky fantasy talk while we fucked, than moved into spankings, handcuffs, bondage, all sorts of things. Hot hot hot! Like Jose said [see Jose’s entry below], it is hard to find a playmate, in the meantime the kinky Internet is were I get my kinky fix.
From Erik
50 Shades of Grey certainly has changed the way people think about BDSM. The author, now a multi-millionaire, tapped into BDSM fantasies leaving hundreds of thousands of people masturbating furisouly to tales of bondage, ben wa balls, spankings and so on, and wishing to make BDSM part of their sexual life. Three cheers for EL James for moving BDSM into the mainstream.
From Anonymous Fem
I don’t want a BDSM lifestyle, I want a loveing, kind, gentle man (or woman, hey, I’m not particular) who will cherish me come hell or high water….and who is not shy about landing a spanking or tie-up and kinky sexual torment me every now and then.
From Jose
Now and then I really enjoy getting my kink on. It can be hardcore BDSM, a mild kinky play game, or something that caught my fancy and I want to give it a go. It’s hard to find a girlfriend who enjoys, or is willing to try, new and different sexual scenes. But I’m an optimist, and will continue searching and searching and searching…someone hear my plea!
From Anonymous
Never done any actual BDSM, but I am hugely turned on by the idea, and often use it as a fantasy during sex or masturbation. I am not into pain or humiliating domination at all, but the thought of being helpless and completely exposed to my lover is highly arousing. I tend to do what I consider “pretend” bondage, holding my arms up or out, lying spread, opening myself and relaxing completely, imagining myself completely at his mercy, and the orgasms are simply mind-bending.
From Lisabet Sarai
BDSM does not necessarily involve pain. I’m rather surprised (and dismayed) to read some of the other responses suggesting this. The fundamental principle of BDSM is power exchange – the submissive voluntarily renouncing his or her will and control for some period of time, and the dominant accepting that power and the attendant responsibility. Some practitioners never include pain in their scenes at all.
That being said, some people (myself included) do find certain kinds of pain arousing, but (in my case at least) only in the context of this surrender and connection. People who aren’t turned on by BDSM find it difficult to understand the attraction and I’ll tell you the truth – even when you’re in the midst of a scene you find yourself asking yourself whether you’re crazy! Are you really eager to be spanked, whipped, pinched, or whatever? If you’re like me, and you look deep inside yourself, you realize that the honest answer is yes.
In any case, BDSM has nothing to do with abuse. It can be cathartic, empowering, and lead to a deeper, more loving relationship. I speak from personal experience.
From John
Interesting that the majority of entries here are from women, and those are pro BDSM. There’s a dearth of male input, and those are mostly con views. And here I am adding to the status quo: There isn’t anything in the BDSM line-up that attracts me as either doer or receiver. I discussed it with my wife (married 23 years), concerned that perhaps she might be hankering for a spanking, domination (either way) or some such. Her response: “no, no, and no” to which I say thank goodness! I love this woman.
From Mary
I am definitely into it, but I don’t know how to handle it. I discovered I love being spanked. The slaps go right to my clit. Not knowing when the next one comes turns me on. Most of my lovers I’ve been with liked or at least didn’t mind spanking me. But that’s as far as it goes. I’d like being tied up and blindfolded, whipped or caned maybe. I’d like to try and find out if that’s really my thing. But as much as I’d like to put myself in someone else’s hands, I refuse to call anyone my master. Giving away control, fine, but equality is important for me.
From JCR
My reaction to BDSM is a lot like my reaction to French liqueurs: sometimes mind-blowingly gorgeous, sometimes distinctly queasy, often an interesting mix of the two. Power-play in itself, as a general rule, doesn’t do much for me. (I’m excepting, obviously, the playful spanking and sensuous soft-bondage that every good lover should have in their repertoire.) And I find it positively hard to deal with the sight of a human body being in some way distorted, as in some forms of rope-bondage for example. But the fact is, restraint is sexy; and I love the theatricality, the ritual and the straight-out decadent flamboyance of some BDSM porn, which you just don’t see elsewhere.
Incidentally, a few people have spoken about the importance of “equality” in a relationship, and I totally agree. (It’s one of the added bonuses of being a lesbian, that you don’t necessarily have that pre-packaged baggage, but that’s a whole other story.) Sometimes I’ve been with people who use admittedly light, almost vanilla BDSM to actively pursue that: for example, it’s rather liberating knowing that a lover who’s several rungs further up the academic hierarchy than me is perfectly welcome to dominate me in meetings, provided she’s aware of finding her ass over my knee once the working day is over….
From Anonymous
I have just recently been interested in bondage. It took several requests for my hands to be tied before my husband would do it. I am very turned on with my hands being tied above my head with a silk scarf. Now I would like to take it to another level and have my hands and legs tied spread eagle. Can’t explain why I enjoy it. Maybe just being submissive and letting him be totally in control.
From Suzie
My partner and I do not live a BDSM lifestyle, the thought of it makes me cringe. We live fairly boring day to day lives and he does far more housework than I do. If he ever tried to tell me off or punish me, I don’t know what I’d do, but it wouldn’t be pretty!
But our sex is always BDSM related in someway. For as long as we can both remember we’ve had ‘kinky’ fantasies. Mine started before I was ten. I dreamed about being whipped and dominated before I even knew it was a sexual practice. That’s why I know it’s not wrong or perverse, it’s just something in me. I’m the submissive, the masochist if you like, in the relationship. I like pain. When the endorphins are flowing I like a lot of pain; my faves are when he uses a leather flogger on my backside or pinches my nipples really hard. I love him to pull my hair too. But, to be honest, and I get the sense that this is the same with a lot of BDSM practicing couples, the pain is only so wonderful because it is part of the submission.
I’m a wimp with a really low pain threshold in day to day life. I hate hurting myself accidentally and I take paracetamol at the first sign of a headache. And it wouldn’t turn me on if he just grabbed hold of me and hurt me. The pain is only a small part of the much greater whole.
I don’t like the thought of pain for pain’s sake, or of being cut, branded or scarred in anyway as a result of it. That’s not for me. But if pain is an element of my total sexual submission, then give it to me, please…I’m begging on my knees.
From Grey
I think that Bondage and S&M is unhealthy. Love making should be loving not punishing and humiliating. Just because you have sexual fantasy about it and just because it turns you on, doesn’t mean it is right or good for you. Critically ask yourself why it turns you on? Why do you feel you have to be mistreated? Why do you want to punish someone else? There are other reasons that are being projected into your sexuality. Nothing beats equality in the bedroom, nothing beats tenderness, affection and love!
From Curtis
I’ve played for a number of years with several different women, but I have no interest in a BDSM lifestyle, I just like to play kinky games. I’ve played both sides, dominant and submissive and enjoy both depending on my mood. I’m not into serious pain, nipple torture doesn’t interest me, (although I think my wife would enjoy some adjustable nipple clamps).
I love spankings, giving and receiving! My first time as a submissive was in my twenties. My girlfriend blindfolded me, tied my hands, straddled my face and made me eat her until she’d come multiple times. After her orgasms, she tied me with my legs spread and my feet up in the air and proceeded to spank me. After my ass started turning pink, she slipped her vibrator into my ass. The combination of the vibrator in my ass, and the blows from her hairbrush was mind-blowing. After my ass was bright red, and she slowed down on the spanking and started sucking my toes while she fucked me with the vibrator. She had always liked for me to suck her toes, but no one had ever done it to me. She finally finished me off in her mouth and then made me swallow my own cum. After she untied me and removed the blindfold she handed me my glasses and pointed to the corner of the room, she’d rented a video camera and taped the whole thing!
I’m somewhat surprised, somewhat amused by many of the comments. There is no disconnect between this sort of kink and romance and deep concern for one’s partner, there is simply a recognition that we have little control over what arouses us and that one wishing to ensure the happiness of their partner, will be most successful if sex is approached in the manner that is most stimulating for the individual. I recently lost my beloved partner to an untimely death and I’m not sure I will ever recover from that, but while we were together we both greatly enjoyed a D/s relationship. Dominance/submission can involve elements of bondage and discipline (BD) and sado-masochism (SM), but the focus is on the power exchange, as others have said. I have had dominant sexual fantasies my entire adult life and my partner made plain, early in our relationship, that she received the greatest pleasure from the experience of giving me pleasure. Outside of sex, we enjoyed a mutually respectful, very equitable relationship, with the pursuit of an endless number of shared interests. Within our sexual relations, however, the D/s aspect took many forms, some of which people may not think of immediately as BDSM. For example, as a form of orgasm denial and a display of submission, our sex life was build almost exclusively on oral and, especially, anal sex. While I enjoyed going down on her, there was a hugely disproportionate amount of her performing fellatio and rimming me. There was a fair amount of sharp slaps to her butt and breasts but especially to her labia. When engaged in anal sex, often she would have clamps on her nipple and clitoris (using a Y-shaped toy, which connected the three with chains) or a clamp she had bought, which squeezed her outer labia between pieces of metal and was then attached to a handle, like a dog’s leash. Either she or I would often pull on the this clamp devices in time with my thrusts. Golden showers was another form of play that fit under the broader label of D/s sex for us, as did the use of butt plugs of various shapes and sizes. The play resulted in great enjoyment for both of us and she felt it deepened the demonstration of her love and did nothing to diminish her recognition of my love for her.