Ashley Lister Submits
                                        Diary of an Erotic Fiction Writer

Keep Your Hand on Your Ha’Penny

It’s no wonder people get disheartened when they’re trying to become writers. There are so many sharks and pirates trying to milk would-be writers that any poor bastard who sticks their head above water and says, "I would like to write" marks themselves as a target for villains of Darth Vader’s magnitude.

I’ve just received an email from a literary agent. I sent an enquiry; introducing myself and explaining I’d had two-dozen novels published and was seeking representation on a forthcoming project.

Their short answer was no.

Which was acceptable. If they don’t want to represent me, there is no law in the world that says they have to. But the part that really pissed me off was the addition to the letter that said, if I wanted to get published, I should buy the literary agent’s own book on how to get published.

I stopped myself from sending a curt reply, explaining that I’d had two-dozen books published so there would be little reason for me to purchase their book on how to get published. It’s a little bit like a porn star buying a book on how to get laid — or a literary agent buying a book on how to suck more money from would-be writers — I already know all the tricks.

And I can make an educated guess as to the content of their book on how to get published. I imagine it falls into the usual three-part saga of these misbegotten tomes:

1) Write something good
2) Re-read it and make sure it really is good.
3) Buy our other book: how to find a literary agent.

NB — How to find one of these types of literary agent. Go to a damp forest and turn over a rock or fallen tree stump. There is a strong likelihood you will find one of these types of literary agent crawling there with his/her brethren.

In my lifelong pursuit of how to get published I have studied many options and always — ALWAYS — there is someone trying to take money from an unsuspecting writer’s pocket. Being a miser has helped to safeguard me from most of these charlatans. But occasionally I have been taken in.

I bought a book that proclaimed it told the secrets of how bestselling authors had achieved their success. I thought it sounded interesting. Like many aspiring writers I figured that what had worked for one author might work for me.

But it wasn’t quite so straightforward.

The first author had married a publisher. The second one married an editor. The third was a journalist who used to spend her lunch hours and afternoons dining with publishers and editors. The depressing trend continued throughout the whole bloody book. There was one person in there who had achieved publishing success through their own merits. The others were so closely related to someone already producing books they could have blown their nose and published the contents of the handkerchief. (And that’s the clean version).

All of which proved to be a misuse of £9.99 and a couple of dull hours of reading time. The book would have been a complete waste if not for the wobbly leg on my desk and an unexpected need for lavatory paper.

Online you can subscribe to a variety of websites to gain access to databases of literary agents and publishers. Again, this is a case of the sharks feeding off the minnows that are would-be writers. The same results can be achieved for free by a visit to the local library and a quick browse through a copy of Writers & Artists or Writers Handbook. If you know the name of the publisher or agent, Google will invariably provide their website details without the inconvenience of visiting the library.

And then there are the literary agents who charge a reading fee. What the fuck is that about? I’m meant to pay an agent to read my book? For the same amount of money I can pay a hooker, get properly screwed, and retain some dignity and integrity. Since when have writers paid people to read their work? This might sound arrogant but people pay for the pleasure of reading what I’ve written. With a proposal/submission a literary agent is getting that pleasure for free and earning a commission from the sale. If writers start paying them what will the grasping bastards want next? Blood? A first born male child?

And don’t get me started on vanity publishers.

Damn! Too late. I’ve started.

A vanity publisher, so there’s no misunderstanding, is the euphemism for any cheap bastard who asks an author for money in return for publishing their novel. For those who don’t understand the equation it’s simple:

1) Writer writes book.
2) Publisher publishes book.
3) Reader buys book.
4) Money from the reader’s purchase is divided (unevenly) between the publisher and the writer.

There are variations on this theme with royalties and advances but the one variation there should never be is where the author hands money to the publisher. Publishers are there to give books to readers and money to writers. When they start to take money from the writers and the readers the entire fabric of the economic system comes under threat. More importantly, authors don’t get the money rightfully due to them.

My one experience with a vanity publisher still smarts. I sent a proposal to a publishing house. They got back to me expressing an interest to see my full MS. From their enthusiasm it was clear that they wanted the book. I made a couple of enquiries about the publishing house and was told to steer clear because they were vanity publishers.

I phoned the editor and asked about these rumours.

"No," he assured me. "We’re not vanity publishers."

"You’re not going to read my MS and then ask me for a financial contribution toward the publication?" I pressed.

"Of course not," he soothed. "We’re a reputable publishing house."

"Great stuff!" I said. I apologised for my suspicious nature and then spent a month completing the novel so it was acceptable for publication. Six weeks after I sent it off I received a letter saying they’d enjoyed the story and wanted to publish. They then went on to ask how much I would be willing to contribute to the publication costs.

The echo of my mournful wail still resounds in the walls of my home.

If all of the above reads like a tangled message of vitriol and twisted bitterness, there is probably a good reason. Writers are vulnerable creatures and those who exploit their dreams of publication are unconscionable bastards. If you’re a writer you should only pay money for pens, papers and other writing materials. The notion of paying for publication is a myth that’s perpetrated by those who want to line their pockets at your expense.

I might be an erotic fiction writer, but I don’t like to see anyone getting unnecessarily screwed.

Ashley Lister
April 2006

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"Ashley Lister Submits" © 2006 Ashley Lister. All rights reserved.

About the Author:  Ashley Lister is a UK author responsible for more than two-dozen erotic novels written under a variety of pseudonyms.  His most recent work, a non-fiction book recounting the exploits of UK swingers, is his first title published under his own name.
Ashley’s non-fiction has appeared in a variety of magazines, including Forum, Chapter & Verse and The International Journal of Erotica.  Nexus, Chimera and Silver Moon have published his full-length fiction, with shorter stories appearing in anthologies edited by Maxim Jakubowski, Rachel Kramer Bussel and Mitzi Szereto.  He is very proud to be a regular contributor to ERWA.
Email: Ashley Lister
Website: www.ashleylister.co.uk

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