Why Do People Cheat

Is one partner not enough?

Here, have some sexy fun without cheating:

• Kink network of sites dominate the market when it comes to high quality, hot, well-produced kink, fetish, and BDSM. Kink directors are dedicated to a safe, sane and consensual environment for their performers, and their active social community, kinky events & education allows members to safely fulfill their fantasies without hesitation or shame. When you enter a Kink site, you're watching real people play the way they like to play.

• Cams - Enjoy sexy live chats, watch your fantasy come true—at Cams there's always live sexy interaction going on, 24/7. There are 3 levels of membership, sign-up completely free and chat with the Cam Girls, or go private for mind-blowing live sex with the Cam Girls waiting to do your bidding. Cams is top-notch cam girl community where anything can happen, and often does.

From Fancy
Nikki& Vi and everyone else on here If you cheat you might get caught in the since of a child who looks like your lover. I cheated and had a son he is the love of my life and my husband loves him too. He knows he doesn't belong to him but he still loves him. But when you all say a man cheats because he is lacking something at home then you have to give mine credit. I offered to do anything he wanted and he still cheated on me from the get go so I cheated on him. But in a car in the middle of winter or a graveyard at night or a roadside parking place is as fun as you would think.

I wanted my husband to do what my lover did but he won't he just want to do it the same way and quickies and I hate them. I want to be held and kiss and cuddle but he wants it done with but with his other women he stuck around for the stuff I wanted to do with him. But one day I will be able to say I got what I want because I'm going to make him understand that I'm just as good as his other women and that I can satisfy him just as good and even better.

From Anonymous
Can't speak for others but I have cheated to experience things I cannot with my partner. Women of different ethnicity, sizes and shape, age. Those things which my partner can't change but to me are still valid fantasies. I also have to try things she will not do such as strap-on play and anal sex. I make no excuse. It's not right but at the end of the day I'd rather not be left wondering what those things would have been like.

From Sensualwhispers
Wow this is a loaded question and judging by some of the replies a definite time bomb. In my opinion men cheat because they can get away with it, they think with their cocks. Men tend to be more selfish than woman although women aren't entirely blameless in this. If there is good communication and variety in a relationship then there should be no reason to cheat.

I have done the cheating and have been cheated on and this has changed how I feel about the whole subject. I hold my hands up and admit the reason I cheated was a) I was bored and b) because I didn't fully understand the value of commitment. My sex life was boring but I didn't have the courage to make it better and I think this is the problem with most people who cheat.

Sex is an important part of a relationship no matter what people say. The intimacy it brings helps us to reinforce the bond between us as couples. Rejection by our partners is hard to take so a lot of us refrain from expressing what we really want and woman more so.

Our priorities change throughout our lives and we can loose "ourselves" in family life. We should take the time to be selfish and spend time on ourselves and learn about us. If we did this then may be less men would cheat. Men never fully grow up. Throughout there lives they have someone to take care of them whether it be their mother or their partner so yes they do tend to be more selfish than women. Most woman take over the role of carer for their men and loose their sexual side. We should never do that. 

Men should learn that woman's commitments are totally different from theirs and try to understand them more. Woman should learn to be more uninhibited within the bedroom. But most of all we should all learn to talk and communicate with our partners. Introduce new things to the bedroom and spice up the old.

From Batamb
You miss the main point entirely. a lot of men cheat simply because their wives refuse them sex. A friend of mine at 44 yrs was refused by his wife with the comment, "sex is for kids." He then embarked on a career of fucking every woman he could . This lasted for 30 yrs and I repeatedly said to him "Pheme will find out" to which he replied "no way." She did eventually discover his peccadilloes and it was like Krakatoa all over again. I was piggy in the middle as I had covered for him on many occasions. so you see why one man sinned, he wasn't getting any at home and he was in his prime.

From Jack
It's nonsense. Some men cheat, some men don't. But if men are cheating, how can it be that woman are not also cheating? Who are the men cheating with? I know of as many woman that cheat than men. Woman have just as much need to vary partners nowadays as men do. And I also prescribe to the idea that having one long-term partner is something the church has made us believe to be a good thing, but we all know (don't we?) that it's against our instincts? 

So OK, those that don't cheat are admirable people and if you love your partner enough I really do believe it's not that difficult. The truth is that both men & women are constantly at odds with themselves, between being faithful both to the partner and the family unit, and on the other hand, getting just as much sex with as many partners as they can.

Congratulations to those that succeed in being faithful, and to those that don't, don't get all hung-up and guilty over it.

From Feline Friend
I understand when the partner of a person - frequently a male - won't fully commit or communicate & needs to for a sense of compensatory power keep the door open for himself, plus afraid to put the effort in to resolve issues for a mutually giving relationship forces a temporary break. In such an break I've been in a position to have sex with others & still didn't, but would have felt justified if I had.

What the stupid man did in his going too far with his power fantasies (aided by a small inheritance), escapism, especially with frequently high uses of alcohol & hoping to please is ex family (his money is what they only want) is over use his net to communicate with others creating a psychological distance while denying it with a computer full of it.

Eventually he really got into serious cheating. His behaviour gave away he ended up having a really great one night stand. Though he seems to have ended up in defensive guilt with black outs (damage from drink & an existing disassociative order surfacing under very high stress) to project his behaviour on me.

Prior to that we had maintained a great sexual relationship which even he claimed was growing better in most ways. I'd made it clear that at that time as he'd improved with me I'd be happy to be open to anything that I could do more for him, though he claimed he was more than content.

Well after the culmination of his max cheating event (aided by a drug addict -procuring, sharing or participating?) he changed. Diminished desire and eventually when he'd do anything he was entirely of touch with me. It was clear he had no memory or deeper excitement around me. Encounters (couldn't really count them as sex as non intimate men who tried to seduce me had tuned in better via excitement) were the worst I'd been through for me. Despite that I got him to orgasm -only oral was working for him then- as I tried to make the best of it hoping for a recovery.

I tried discussion -he blocked & called me the slut. Temporarily that made me loose my cool so suggested my direct accusations - he denied, blocked, called me a slut again. I'd also offered him a chance to explain why with the implication of still being open for recovery by working on things & putting the past behind. His response was block, blame, call me slut & suggested I was wrong in presuming he didn't feel for me while explaining nothing. Tried to be pleasant to see if he'd recover, more abuse & no suggestions of caring while claiming "I " was the one calling an end.

Well, now he lost what he had, though has his net, right hand & fantasies. The one -or may be 3 times- night stand may have been a one up experience for him. He slipped out indirectly when drunk how the right person could beat years of building a sexual relationship & bond on one encounter. Obviously her failure to return suggests she didn't find it so great & in whatever she asked him (obviously needed to give directions) changed what he thinks he needs to do & he couldn't ever switch back into me. Nor could he please her as he'd a long frequent history with me.

It seems there are men who would assume this wasn't a good ending, but maybe this guy aside from his ego does. He now only has to please himself & can undisturbed live his fantasies & phone the odd escort pretending he'll end up with the ideal partner to share his loneliness...one day. Any way whatever the lost potential, I'm at least freed from an uncaring using liar which turned out to be the reality. I am getting better men showing interest while avoiding rushing too fast. It did hurt me massively, but woke me up to re-evaluating my self worth, capacity to heal & grow. This has set us both free. Me from not being appreciated enough even in the past & him to live his fantasies, secrets & lies comfortably unchallenged.

From Don
Reading the stories on cheating they seem to fault the men. It takes TWO TO TANGO.

Women are attracted to men of power, money and great personality. I was the head of a sports club, small thing, but I was approached often and I did not take all the opportunities. Also I sold houses and was approached there to. My wife did not care much for sex and I had to really work to sell it to her. I just got tired doing it that way when there were sexy women ready and willing.

I even had an Irish Catholic 33 yr old woman present me with her virginity. We had a relationship for over 10 years.

I met a young mistress of a business tycoon in London on the Underground, went to see a London show and ended up in her paid for apartment in the Park Lane area. Went back to London three different trips. That covered 11 years. Each was an adventure and they are still my friends. I told them I was married and maybe that was what they liked. A couple of them were in the 30s+ with children, divorced and had never had an orgasm. I corrected that. I am now past retirement and not a stud muffin anymore. I just listened fondled their feelings and ego.

One took me in her dead mother's house on her bed and while she had her period. Was she Hot & Horny?

I'm bad but it has been fun.

From Anonymous
I think I have been lucky, because to my knowledge I haven't had anyone "cheat" on me. I have been in semi-open relationships, but I have to say that even when fidelity was not expected that jealousy happens and feelings get hurt.

In my marriage of 14 years I had been afraid that I was going to end up cheating on my husband. Sex was ok, but it seldom happened. I knew he loved me, but felt we were just drifting apart, or that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. Over about 2 years I started to tell him more openly what I wanted, and always in a gentle loving way, not threatening to leave or anything. It has been hard and very frightening at times. I love him very much. I knew I had to be gentle because even from the beginning of our marriage he would bemoan his lack of desire saying "I'm just a dud". 

Because he is older (in his 50's) I don't think either of us realized the need for me to be more aggressive and stimulate his penis directly for his erection to be adequate for intercourse. When we figured that out and he accepted it, everything has fallen into place. Our sex life is now more frequent and more intense physically and emotionally than ever. I also told him directly that I was afraid that he was not attracted to me anymore and was afraid he would never want me sexually, while I was desperate for him. This was incredibly hard for me to do, but he heard me and things are much better.

I think men who are tempted to cheat on their wives need to let themselves be vulnerable and admit what they want and what their fears are. Marital therapy is always an option too. I was in a lot of relationships before my marriage. The depth and intensity of sex with someone you've known for years is just incredible, but you have to work and risk for it.

From Vi
I have a feeling I'm going to have stones thrown at me for what I am about to say. If a man cheats on his wife I feel it is her fault. A wife has to keep it exciting for her husband. It's when the sex becomes infrequent or just routine that hubby starts fantasizing about getting it elsewhere.

If making it interesting means you take your hubby down to the computer and look at porn sites then so be it. Or during sex the wife makes up some sort of threesome story to get her hubby all hot then so be it too. You have to make your husband feel like he's the sexiest most desirable lover in the world (even if its not so). Dress up in sexy outfits not the old jogging suit you've had for 10 years. Add spice into sex any and every way u can.

Wake up wives of the world and you will keep your man from straying. Of course there are those kinds of husbands that will have sex with everyone not nailed down no matter what you do and my advice about those kinds is to throw them away.

From Anonymous
I got a late start in my romantic life. I was 26 before I "got lucky." I married and stayed faithful for the next 16 years. I had worked in construction all my life and was tired of working in rain, snow, cold and blistering heat so I answered an ad "Carpenter Wanted, Experienced." I answered the ad and discovered it was from a small home improvement company. I hired on and spent the next 23 years working in middle class to upper middle class homes, most of the time alone. I never once flirted or acted or spoke in a suggestive manner, always referred to the lady of the house Mrs. I am just a very ordinary looking guy, 6'.1", blue eyes, slender with strawberry blonde hair, which I kept and wore long intil I was 66, I still weigh the 168 pounds that I did at age 25.

I was "hit on" constantly by ladies of all ages, youngest a 23 year old grad student who was house sitting for her parents who were on a world wide cruise, the oldest a very horny 66 year old religious teacher...won't mention the faith. I got "it" on my first interior job with a 49 year old woman and just kept going until I retired. You wouldn't believe the number so I won't tell how many. Young, old, slim, fat, zafteg, from homely to drop dead gorgeous. I thought I was King of the Road.

Shortly after I retired my wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer and was dead within seven weeks. I was in the the bedroom when she died...heard the death rattle. That was 13 years ago and I am so full of guilt and self hatred that I cannot pass one night of sleep without an anxiety attack. I am filled with shame and remorse and cannot find a way to earn redemption. It was "fun" while it lasted but. in retrospect, simply not worth it. To all the ladies out there, go ahead, unload on me. I deserve it. You cannot say anything that could make me feel worse than I do.

I guess the reason was (I was certainly well satisfied at home) it was just there. There was no cost, no motel to rent, no risk of being caught in a car or a bar with another woman, it was just so easy. One woman explained to me that she felt no risk, did not have to go "out" in order to have extra marital sex.

The only risk to me was my supervisor, who made it a point to visit each job once a day, came at various times, from being there when I arrived to just before I left. He never, ever came close to catching me and I am not sure what he would have done if he had. He was a ham handed individual who had neither tact or discretion around women. It surely would have undone him if he knew what was going on. I always did a full day's work, and then some, so there was never a suspicion that the project was going too slowly or not on time. 

Most of the women were married to professional men, lawyers, doctors, accountants, etc., who worked in New York City, commuting back and forth on the Long Island Railroad. More than one knew how far their husband was from Penn Station, how long it took him to get there, what time the trains ran and their arrival time at the local station. They would call the husband on some pretext or other and knew exactly how much time they were at "risk," 

As I said , at the time it was great fun, but, there is always a price to pay at sometime for just about everything we do. My wife died tragically a scant three months before she could enjoy her Social Security. The guilt and self hatred that I feel is all consuming and I find it necessary to occupy my time as much as possible to keep the memories from returning and tormenting me. I would warn anyone who is thinking of it not to do it. It just is not worth it.

From Dennis
I up until two months ago had an on going affair with a woman I had met at work. She was the type that all the other guys looked at and drooled over, this after 4 children too, simply angelic. I went so far as to leave my wife for a month but in the end could not bear the pleas of my own three children to come back home.

I now in addition to the feelings of guilt for the pain I've caused my wife and children, feel extreme guilt for the pain of heartbreak I've caused my angel. I would advise strongly any who would cheat, think long and hard. All the beautiful plans and promises don't stand for much when your wallowing in pity for the love you gave up and the pain you've brought to so many others. I'm a 31 year old "man's man" and I've cried more in the last two months than in the past 10 years.

From shadow_dreamer
It is not only men who cheat, it is the same for both genders. I've been cheated on many times by my former husband and I have to say that is the reason why I divorced him...I grew tired of his infidelity (as well as his abuse). I would have been fine if he agreed to an open relationship but as he stated vehemently, "It is a man's right to do whatever and whoever he chooses and women have to deal with it." Well I must say I got fed up with his attitude.

People cheat because of many reasons. My ex wanted to see how many women who were sweet on him would actually sleep with him; he claimed it boosted his ego. He said it made him feel really good.

Temptation, boredom or just plain pure animal instinct; we were not made to be monogamous but society and religion deems it so. I cheated once to get back at my ex but did it make me feel better? Only when I was in the midst of sexual satisfaction; after that I felt as if I lowered myself to his level and I regretted it.

The problem with most relationships that causes one or both to cheat is the inability to communicate; to listen and speak freely without swearing or arguing about everything and especially when it comes to intimacy. Something is not right in the relationship or perhaps someone is going through a time of his/her life that he/she needs to feel the "excitement" or to try and capture that feeling one gets from someone other than their mate. Bottom line, boredom or the yearning for something missing, "the spice of life" that existed in the beginning.

Being with one person for a long period of time (years and years) may become routine and somewhat just a way of life. This is when couples need to do something with their partners and bring back those times. It may take some effort to convince the other but who says you can't surprise him/her by taking him out to dinner, dancing, etc.? It won't hurt to try.

Temptation and flirting can break down a person's willpower but it is up to the individual to decide if it's worth losing everything or not. My other half and I both say "it's definitely not worth it". Why chance losing a good thing for a fling and end up alone or with someone who may not be as good as the one you had?

From Midnight Angel
In response to Robert on why men cheat [see last entry]. Thank you for your honesty. But, the shoe goes on the other foot as well. My fifteen year marriage was going nowhere, he might fuck me once every two weeks, roll over then snooze, you know the drill. After fifteen years I began to wonder just what else was out there. Did I have to continue to endure being ignored in addition to the problems that come with a long marriage? I needed something more and I found it. Yes, I make sure that I do anything and everything to please my lover, things his wife probably stopped doing a long time ago, but he does the same for me. We are meeting needs that others in our lives choose to ignore.

And I also believe that people change as they age, or they should, and my husband and I just grew apart. Is it the same with my lover and his wife? Probably, but I can't say for sure. Maybe we weren't meant to have one partner for our entire lives. Maybe that's a myth that society crams down our throats to exert control. I don't have all the answers, but I know what's working for me.

From Nikki
I'm young. Very young. In fact I have no business being with a married man. But I am. And it is exhilarating.

I only remember being faithful once in my life. The relationship lasted a year and a half and I was head over heels. But you know what? I lost those butterflies that I got when I first met him. The smile didn't cross my lips as much when I saw him pick me up from school. The sex became blasé. It wasn't necessarily bad. It just took me longer to come. His sex talk was boring. And I knew that even if we had done things to "spice up" our sexual lives, it would have been the same. Our bodies react to sex like drugs. After a while we become immune to it, and need stronger doses and a lot more of it.

What I'm trying to say is yea I could stop being this man's mistress. I'm not in love with him. But I care for him deeply, the sex is extraordinary (most likely because we don't do it every day... it hasn't become predictable), and I WANT to be with him. There's a lot of things we have the ability to do. My uncle committed suicide by hanging himself. So that means we have the ability to do that too. So women who say that men are being selfish, immature, childish.... newsflash! That's human nature. Our bodies naturally want to be pleasured. If you feel that we should stop being so selfish...go to Africa and volunteer to help some kids.

Yea, I feel bad for his wife. But she's not open about sex. She's very pious. And if a man cheats on you then you aren't meant to be together forever. Imagine me being with my ex still now if he hadn't cheated on me. I would have been so unhappy because now I realize he was never meant for me. I would have been unhappily married with him.

Why do men cheat? Yep it's boredom. It's that feeling of "man this is so blasé. Same old same old". Its like craving that pizza and eating it every day. After a while you get sick of it. It's human nature. But women, don't hate your husbands because they cheat. Oh no. Don't do that. You hate your husbands because they married you. You hate your husband because they didn't give you the chance to..., cheat on them with that hunk up the street.

Oh and one more thing. Women, if you've been cheated on by your current husband, or if you know he's cheated for a fact but haven't confronted him, then why don't you cheat? It's just pay back. And maybe in the end you'll see why he did it. Maybe in the end you'll end up understanding him more, and you'll end up getting even closer.

From Ramz
Men cheat simply because they're not contented with what they have. Boredom could be a reason but it can also be a sign of immaturity. Admit it, all men love women, and even a simple gesture from the opposite sex could trigger something in you that you might feel like you wanted to give in. And the fact that you might find someone more attractive than your partner.

But hey, don't you think you're being too selfish? It's ok to appreciate beauty, and "variety" isn't a reason to cheat on your partner. Try to learn self control for goodness sake.

From Puddy
I recently left my husband due to his infidelity.

For many years we had talked about a threesome (him, me & another woman). I felt he was bored with me, so I went along with his idea (an idea he ran with after I told him I had a dream that I had a female lover). Little did I know, he had been working on enlisting his girlfriend to do his wife.

I'm not sure if I ever really wanted a threesome, but, if he were honest about his agenda, it could have worked out...the marriage and the threesome.

From Anonymous
What's that saying I've always heard? "Nothing to gain and everything to lose." I tried to communicate with my wife on her non-responsivness to my needs. She tells me "All you do is think of yourself."

Our love life was initiated by me taking charge....my hand taking hers and placing it on my cock. Why doesn't she listen to me when I try to tell her my needs. Just once I would love nothing more for her to grab my cock without me asking.

I love to go down on her...I think she likes it too but how would I know, she has never told me how good it feels. She has never grabbed my ears and just buried my head between her legs.....Men, if you're reading this....A whore will act like a whore in the bedroom if your wife chooses not to.

This doesn't make it right because I honestly do love my wife, guilt usually sets in the second I have an orgasm. Maybe that's why I chose to pay for an hour session verses an ongoing relationship with another woman. To me, a real man should devote his love to his wife, regardless of her sex drive. At the same time, you still have to fulfill your needs from time to time. Remember that love between two people is made up of many ingredients, intimacy is only one of those.

From Been cheated on
Hi, ever since my fiancé has told me that he cheated on me throughout our relationship, I've been reading a lot about this issue. Turns out, there are several theories but no real answers. However, some things I have come to understand are:

1. Its not natural to be monogamous

2. Making a commitment is an artificial thing. You need to work on it consciously.

3. If you are committed to someone and you are still tempted by another- open up and talk about it with your partner.

4. It may break your relationship or you may end up having a three-some.

5. But having sex and cheating on your partner and then hiding it is NOT okay.

I agree there are huge theories about gender differences and probably men and women cheat for different reasons. But the one you cheat on still gets hurt. May be, we need to re-look our archaic morality but till the rules change - please don't cheat on your partner.

My fiancé has now decided that he cannot ever commit himself to a marriage. So we are breaking off. I feel too angry to express myself and I am still confused.

From Anonymous
I'm a woman in a relationship and have been carrying on an email flirtation with a married man- he says he's done this before and I know it's just a matter of time before we consummate this in reality. The truth is, I'm dying for some variety, and I know he is. The thrill of something new, of the possibility of an amazing fuck, the butterflies, the racing heartbeat. Screw the consequences- I want to see what it feels like, just that simple. It's not just the man's fault- there would be a lot less cheaters if women didn't want to fuck married and taken men so badly- and yet we do!

From Sha
Okay, let's be real here, all I have been hearing are excuses! Men or women cheat for one reason only and that is selfishness. The person who decides to cheat, cheats because they are in the moment, they do not think about how their partner will feel. Yes, they like the risk and excitement but those are selfish emotions.

A man or woman strays because they are inadequate within them self not the relationship they are in. The funny thing is, everyone has said boredom is the # 1 reason for cheating, this is a cop out, wake up people, if you really think this, the world has some serious problems! Cheating only satisfies a physical feeling which leads back to selfishness. Instinct?

It is not instinct to cheat on your partner, come on, it is just a weak emotion, yeah keep fighting the temptation cause if you are temped, you should really be looking deep within yourself to find out what you are missing!

From Mark
I'm a divorced man who has been in some less than perfect relationships in his life. But I have never cheated. I've thought about it, sure. There were times when I was married when I was presented with safe "freebies" by other women. Couldn't do it. Wouldn't have been able to live with myself. But I have a theory about why some men do.

I think a lot of the men you see walking around every day are not actually adult men. They're children. For some reason, when they were growing up, that part of them that would normally develop things like morals and character and soul was derailed by a host of adolescent distractions. They spent a great deal of their time trying to learn, or become, things that would make them popular or funny or so on. After all, those are the standards by which you are measured when your young.

The more important yardsticks of development may not be as needed for some time. I think a lot of people, not just men, sometimes don't make it back around to cultivate the more important stuff.

From Anonymous
To tell you the truth I personally do not know why men cheat. It is their own illusion/excitement that they are getting away with it. Sure, they can most probably find great and exciting sex outside their own bedrooms. Oh sure, they can have their egos expanded to the point their heads (both) are ready to explode. The slight possibility they are in an affair is that the woman makes them feel wonderful, because they can't do it for themselves.

I think you own it to yourself to work on your marriage or walk. You are not going to find there are any winners here. Even if you leave and go to the other woman in most if not all ways it is eventually the thought of pulling off this shit again will crop up somewhere down the line. After awhile you will not only not have the energy, the monies are most probably sucks up from the first divorce but after you will see it is boring. Then you die.

From Greg
I am having a hard time not cheating. The sad thing is there isn't even another women. It's just that lately every women is looking more and more attractive, and I can spend all day thinking about it. I do love my wife though. She is a real good person and probably better than any women I could ever hope to marry.

On the flip side, I am having trouble getting it up for my wife. Another women accidentally brushes her boob against me, and I am good to go.

I don't know, I am really confused right now. I always said I would never be one of those guys who threw away a good thing for a another women, but now I know why someone would do such a thing.

From Perclown
Simple as can be friends...we cheat and I say this from experience because we are bored and it takes a lot to keep us anxious for more...so here's a quick tip it u wanna keep your man when he comes home tonight from a hard days work...fall on your knees and give him the blowjob of a lifetime....open up and say ahh...ladies and drink every drop...cause the fact is if you don't there will be another woman at the office that already is...and to add to that she is trying to get him to leave you...so keep it hot...because whether u like it or not we cheat because you have fallen asleep...

From Anonymous
I don't understand cheating I never have, I have been cheated on and I have cheated. To me it is a sign of boredom! The reason I have cheated though is alcohol not usually up for debate with some people but I know for a fact that if I was sober I wouldn't have strayed. I disappoint myself though and sometimes I think my reason for straying is because I may not be happy with myself! I don't know but if someone can help me understand why I did this it would be much appreciated. Thank you.

From Gerry
Men cheat because they can't be honest with their wives about sex in the relationship when it becomes boring. Wives cheat too but if couples showed some honesty cheating wouldn't crop up. After twenty or so years of marriage we were in our mid-fifties and faced some big problems sex wise but we got up courage to discuss it and discovered we still loved each other, didn't want a divorce, just needed to spice up our sex life.

So we decided to experiment with swinging with some other couples. That was two years ago and today we have a great one-on-one sex life and a really standout sex lifestyle with couples and singles our age and younger who all have become our friends. Our horizons have expanded, we've swung with couples from every ethnic background, great people I guess we would never have met otherwise, traveled on swing vacations to Mexico, Europe and Australia. Our experiences have been amazing and we're far too busy these days with our friends and our active life with them to even think about cheating, let alone ever be stupid enough to do it.

From Anonymous
Why do WOMEN cheat? I'm still young (20) but of my friends, I've known of seven girls cheating on their boyfriends, but not one guy cheating on his girlfriend...

From Mike
Women, I assume the question is asked because you wish to understand men a little better. But if you ask it from a perspective that "All men are bastards" (which, judging from your contributions, many of you do), you will never, ever understand the answers.

From Almathea
One could argue that men are biologically inclined to 'want more' females to add to their little so called gene pool.

However, our closest relative the Bonobo or Pygmy Chimpanzee is matriarchal, the females are just as if not more sexually aggressive then males.

So is it question of biology or culture/societal/religious philosophies/ideals --- Men being encouraged to express their sexuality freely, whilst women are discouraged and often persecuted for exhibiting any of the same privileges men have enjoyed for centuries?

And another thing, would everyone be capable of monogamy? And is monogamy a natural state to 'be in'. I'm sure for some, it's so, but for others not at all. So why commit yourself to ONE partner if you believe you are incapable of doing so?

Thinking about another person while having sex with your partner is very common and often helps rather then hinders ones sex life. As long as you don't offend your partner by telling them, they'll never know.

As for the guy that would sleep with his wife's sisters at a moments notice. Why don't you ask them for a three-some including wife = foursome. Perhaps the out-come could lead to an erotic interlude, divorce or severe head injuries, either way, sounds like you fall into the category of 'Person who was stupid enough to get married when he knew he couldn't keep his zip closed" Maybe your wife thinks exactly the same about your closest friends and male members of your family.

From Teresa L
I've come to believe that a main motivation for cheating is boredom. It adds instant drama to anyone's life (i.e., desire, risk, deception). I think most often infidelity finds its way into a life/relationship that's in desperate need of change.

From Ciera
Some cheaters are merely weak and give in to temptation. They probably feel guilty about it later. Sometimes man- boys cheat to rebel against their partners, essentially saying, 'you're not the boss of me!'. Some men objectify women as indulgences like Cuban cigars and luxury cars, special treats or status symbols. Some guys are disappointed by their spouses and no longer feel loyalty and convince themselves they are justified in cheating. Some want to give their partner reason to break up because they don't want to make the first move. And some just fall in love.

From Steve
Men cheat because we are animals with a basic instinct to reproduce. In our species, the male is the one who pursues. He is the hunter, the one who must chase the female of the species in order to carry on the human race.

Who am I trying to kid, men cheat for different reasons. Maybe your wife got fat, or all she wants to talk about are the kids grades, or what colour you have to paint the kitchen. Whatever the reason, it's for a break, a change from the ordinary. I love my wife more each passing day, but I would sleep with both her sisters at a moments notice. I'm not weak, just really really horney, and variety is the spice of life.... enjoy.

From Graham
Brandy [see entry below]. A little repressed, aren't we?

Thoughts = cheating. Whew boy.

Flirting = cheating. Oh mama.

Is this where you're coming from, or have I misread your comments?

As for my views on variety. The question was why do men cheat? And I responded that some men cheat because they crave variety.

Which is a fact.

I have not cheated, nor do I intend on cheating on my wife.

But part of the urge (which I have successfully fought so far) is to experience variety.

To fight boredom. To spread the seed far and wide. To cross-pollinate with women of different races.

(Does this honesty offend your sensibilities?)

Didn't say I cheated for the sake of variety myself.

But sure as hell some other men have for that very reason.

Please take your Thought Police attitude someplace else. Telling me to grow up is uncalled for.

From Brandy
Graham, [see entry below] you need help. The ACT of straying is the only way to cheat? Hardly. Any wandering idea that you would want to shield from your partner is cheating. Would you tell your wife that you were "harmlessly emailing flirtations" to a chick you met in a chat room? Doubt it.

Thoughts can be just as disloyal, too. To imagine yourself with someone after you have pledged faithfulness to one is dishonest and distasteful. If my husband were to picture someone else in his mind while making love to me, I would be very hurt, and feel cheated on. Your juvenile taste for "variety" should be fulfilled during high school.

Welcome to the grown up world of hardball in relationships.

From Graham
Where does cheating begin? I'm serious. Where?

Men crave variety. Female variety. Men think about variety (let's be honest, guys) every minute of every day. I know I do.

But not all of us ACT on it. (Though we may want to.)

The ACTING part is the cheating. The fantasizing part isn't. But there are times when I am fantasizing so intently that I must confess it's borderline cheating, i.e. fantasizing about other women while having sex with my wife.

You have to admit, that's close to cheating ... hell, maybe it is cheating.

A friend of mine once told me, "cheating is doing anything you wouldn't feel comfortable telling your wife about."

So according to this guideline hugging a colleague for more than two seconds ­ the socially-acceptable duration ­ or, pressing your groin to your colleague while you hug ­ is cheating judging by according most men's standards.

So what do those of us who won't have sex with other women do when we want to cheat?

Email flirtations are the safest outlet.

Why do men cheat. Oh that's pretty easy. Besides variety, we want to know we're still attractive. We want to know we could still lure a partner if push came to shove. We want to know that we're not 100% dependent on our wives; that if she disappeared our sex lives would spiral down the drain forever. Boredom. Men cheat out of boredom.

And men also cheat because they're weak. Morally weak. All of us ­ men and women ­ are tempted at one time or another. Who among us has the guts to resist, to channel that energy is healthful directions? Who among us is willing to play the egde, to write double entendres in emails, to flash our eyes at sexy women ­ yet want nothing physical to result ­ to hug a split second longer than usual, to masturbate, to watch porn, to channel that energy in ways that won't hurt our partners.

Or ourselves.

Because even if I got away with cheating, I know my conscience would be devastated.

From Jim
Let me begin this by saying—not once in 17 years have I cheated on my partner. Never, not even a little. Not that I have not had thoughts of straying and not that there have not been open invitations or desires for others, sometimes very, very strong desires that took every thing I could think of to resist.

So, to some extent I am speculating But I think I have an idea why some men stray. It breaks down into two or three possible reasons.

1. Fucking becomes, for some men, an addictive recreation like mountain climbing. Climbing the same mountain over and over looses its thrill.

2.Total lack of recognition of consequences and the potential for harm. Children have this quality in abundance. Adult men may be more prone to it than adult women.

3. The desire to be desired. Let's face it. In a relationship that lasts more than a year the bloom of desire and all out lust is somewhat diminished if not all together faded. Over time we see our partners, warts and all and very often natures prone to being critical asserts themselves and little by little whittle away at the belief that you are desired much less important to the person you are married to. Then some one comes along who wants you and who looks into your eyes like you are the only person in the universe and oingo boingo an affair happens.

Sometimes I think all three of the above get combined when desire overwhelms the brain with a chemical fog.

That is my take on it.

From Iris
The only control we have, is over our own actions and attitudes. This covers cheating men/women, eating/overeating, and smoking, just to name a few of the recent threads. Coming to accept and understand this simple premise, makes for a much happier life.

From Mike
I think you are being way too nice Jim. I can think of more reasons why men cheat

1) Because they can. Simple as that. An opportunity comes up, so does your cock, so you fuck her. You MIGHT wonder if you're going to get caught. You MIGHT restrict yourself to circumstances of minimum risk, but you're doing it because you can. No plan, just stimulus response. Beer, Drink, Pizza, Eat, Willing woman,  fuck. It's all the same thing.

2) Because the risk is a turn on. All the stuff that rides on this—home, kids, wife—if it all goes wrong the consequences are too horrible to contemplate. It's up there with what if the bungie cord snapped, or what if something's coming the other way when I overtake on this blind bend... You KNOW its not worth it, but by god its exciting. What if all your life you're safe—in control—able to manage the odds, wouldn't it be a relief to play Russian roulette with your life sometimes—especially if you get great sex to go with it.

3) Because monogamy sucks, its a fall back strategy not a lifestyle.

4) Because one day you are going to die—but its not today—today you are going to fuck, and that keeps the fear of dying in the shadows.

You can see the theme here.

I think there are occasions when nice men, happy men, emotionally mature men cheat. But mostly, men cheat because they are venal, selfish, frightened, and immature.

From Robert
Ok, first off lets cut the crap....

If we were truly meant to stay with one sex partner our entire lives, we'd do it naturally. The question wouldn't even exist in our social vocabulary.

Relationships can change, however sex is the glue that humans use to stay with one partner. We try to shove marriage down our throats and punish those that follow laws that biologically don't exist for the human species.

What it boils down to is desire. Why do we desire each other, what are we willing to do to keep that person attracted to us. For me its even the question of who pays for going out. As a male I feel flattered if my date takes me out. We all want to be desired, what do women do to show that?

What do women do to earn the men's loyalty???? In the big picture of life, nothing.... And if women do nothing to show desire, then every woman becomes no different than a paying a whore $25 bucks because in the long run its easier.

Its kind of hard to cheat, when your lover drains your balls to the point of not being able to get it up again...

But women don't want to be used as a sperm receptical, so the sex in the beginning can't last.... Men still produce the same amount of sperm, if you don't want it, there are women who do...

The cultural bonds of marriage are a sham and we don't have the guts to admit it. In our stupidity of wanting sex, we enter marriage thinking everything will be perfect just like the, "and they lived happily ever after," crap that got shoved down our throats for bedtime stories. We have no clue of who we are, what we want in life, and how a partner effects our lives when we walk down the aisle.

We don't understand what it means to be human, or be a partner to another person.

And unfortunately, both men and women refuse to admit that the basic biological desire is something that you have to work at every day.

How many women have the guts to look into the mirror and ask if they are really desirable. And with america getting fatter, the frustrations are only going to grow deeper.

We stay together for money, children, social pressures, and if we take enough valium, prozac, booze, or drug ourselves into a pathetic stupor, we might have sex with our spouses one more time.

Why do we call it cheating? Because the laws of divorce rape men for every dime they have? Is that how we force marriage at another level. Or is it religions way to control the laws to protect their power?

Right now I have more lovers than you have days of the week. I ask every woman in my life, if they want me to give up many relationships to keep one, they better be better than every other one combined.

If you as a woman want to be treated special, then dig into your sexual instincts and use them. Just because you're married, doesn't destroy our male instincts.

For me its easier to keep many and give up one....

From Cory
The reason people cheat are as numerous as the people who are cheating. Maybe they want excitement or attention or love. For me, it was that certain needs were not being met at home...emotional needs. My husband has always been somewhat distant, never one to pet me or pamper me, or tell me that I was pretty. 

After more than 30 years of that, I had a man to do all those things. He told me that I was beautiful, and he called me his princess. When he touched me, I felt like I was fine china, breakable. He was so gentle with his love, something I had craved and finally found. 

I know that an affair is wrong if the people are married, but honestly, it never felt wrong. I fell in love with him and he with me. It was the first time for both of us (falling in love). Of course, the inevitable happened: we got caught and my world came to an end. It was so sudden; no tying up loose ends, no proper goodbyes, just broken hearts. 

So let me say this...don't have an affair...because you just might fall in love. And I have discovered that love can hurt more than I ever dreamed it could. I will never get over my loss...

From California Dreamer
It's been 18 months since I posted my first message here. I had been having an affair with an older woman and it ended after three months. Looking back now on this I can say without hesitation that it was wrong and, while I've learned some valuable things about myself and life, it was not worth it.

I've come to understand that there is no such thing as casual sex. It's a natural truth that people bond with each other through sex - - more than just an emotional bonding it's somehow metaphysical. That's one key reason I believe that we need to honor our mates by staying true to them sexually by not straying.

Even though I had friends counsel me to keep the affair to myself and "take it to my grave", I realized that if I was really going to have the right and deep relationship with my wife that I would have to confess to her. Even if it meant she might walk away from our marriage. So I did.

What I've discovered is that despite my betrayal my wife is willing to forgive me (though it will not be forgotten by either one of us, of course). She is truly an amazingly confident and loving woman and I am blessed to have her. And I'm doing all I can to be completely open and honest with her to rebuild the trust, one day at a time.

Listen, especially the guys out there. Life is too short to be screwing around and destroying the opportunity for a deep and lasting relationship with a soul mate. I am greatly persuaded that we are wired to bond with one other and to love and support each other through this life filled with challenges.

I hope my experience and few words about it here will give pause to those of you who are tempted to cheat. Don't do it. Instead, do the hard (and much more satisfying long-term) work of letting go of selfish pride and be honest about your wants and needs with your mate. God knows this world needs more honor and dignity, eh?

From Anonymous
I have cheated on my husband and got caught twice. When he asks me why I have no answer. I do love him, he is a good husband for the most part and a good father. But when a man shows interest in me I get this feeling like I have to see what it could turn out to be. This makes me hate myself but I know I must be missing something. 

We will be married 15 years and I miss the passion I miss the feeling of he desires me. I have low self esteem and I need constant attention. The funny part is these relationships don't work or last but I keep going back. How do you explain this? I whish I knew I don't want to cheat I want to be happy and content. What do I do to get this? 

I think should I just leave, start over punish myself? What is the answer? When I am getting attention from the other men I am on such a high I feel like I am worth something, and I feel so regular with my husband don't men understand how much attention we need? Does anyone else feel this way. What do we do?

From Anonymous
My husband and I have been married for 30 years. In our early years sex was great. We had it often and were quite open with one another about our desires and dislikes. Though on occasion he could be very demanding, wanting it his way or no way at all.

We had a varied and full fantasy life and believe it not this is the problem now. For years we fantasized about him watching me with other men. I would never agree to this, but I would tell him about encounters I had when I was dating. He wanted all the gory details.

Several years ago he developed ED. For years we tried to find ways to satisfy both of us, but it just got worse. Viagra worked at first, but even that quit working after a while. Finally out of desperation for both of us, we incorporated our fantasies into reality. This was a huge mistake. For two reasons. 1. I now have to tell him over and over again what it was like to have sex with these people. 2. I found that I got more emotional support from complete strangers than I did my own husband. Now, more often than not, we will masturbate lying beside each other in bed. Sometimes never touching one another. Normal sex between us is almost non existent and when it does happen he cannot climax unless I am talking to him about some encounter I have had.

I miss the intimacy of our marriage. I miss the feeling that he actually wants to be the one to have sex with me. When I no longer wanted to include other people in our sex life, he would set up situations on his own. Now certainly I was never forced to participate, but somehow felt guilty for not giving him what he wanted. I never really thought he would ever let another man touch me, but he did and it broke my heart. Somehow validating the feeling I had all these years that he really didn't care for me all that much. It also broke my heart when one day he said, "you can fuck whoever you want so long as I get to watch".

I am sorry, this does not sound like a man who loves or cares about me. Not really. I think, he thinks he does.

While some people may view having an affair in this instance wrong, it is the only way I feel like a desired person in bed instead of something to be passed around and played with.

So for those of you who ready this, what would you do? Destroy all you have built together over the years, break the hearts of your husband and your children by getting a divorce. Risk spending the rest of your life alone, (cause at 50 there's not too many looking men for a long term relationship) or risk an affair. Either way you go you stand the possibility of losing everything you have ever held dear.

From Anonymous
People cheat because of lack of character. THAT'S ALL. It has nothing to do with your partner or your life and everything to do with your own weakness. Everything else is an excuse.

From Anonymous
Suppose you were born in New York. You live there your whole life and marry a wonderful person, you consider them your soul mate. Now suppose you had been born in Chicago instead and you marry someone wonderful, you consider them your soul mate. See where I'm driving at? 

What if in one of these scenarios you had met both? Having two "soul mates" would be a little difficult when considering marriage. There are many people you could love out of 6 billion of us. It's hard to tie yourself down to one and ignore everyone else. The thing is, relationships become predictable. Sometimes people just want a change, that doesn't mean you don't love your partner.

From Elaine
Bob - it is need and love that makes this happen. [see Bob's entry on page 4]Sorry to say that I had been unfaithful to my husband (1yr) of 24 years - 17 of those begging for a change in our relationship. That change being a request for a more physical, intimate and emotional bond. 

I think our age difference may be part of the problem - rate of change not the same pace. He lacks passion and I need it. I have passion with my boyfriend, he excites me. I feel the guilt, but I have a need satisfied and will find it very hard to give it up.

Page:   1  |  2  |  3  |  4  |  5
___________________

Interested in this topic? Share your thoughts with us.

  E-mail this page

Copyright © 1996 and on, Erotica Readers Association, Inc.
All Rights Reserved World Wide. Reproduction in whole or in part in any form or
medium without express written permission is prohibited.