Porn on My Partner's Computer

Why am I so jealous?

Why not watch porn together?

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From Cammie
About nine months ago, I found out my husband is addicted to (internet) pornography. The details of discovery are, of course, predictable, and hindsight is 20/20. Let me say that I'm not really morally offended by porn. It wouldn't bother me as much if I was getting my needs met. What is bothersome, though, is the fact that we haven't had sex since my discovery. The fact that he prefers - well - his hand to a living, breathing, ready and available wife. I'm vibrant, slender, attractive, and enthusiastic. I've tried to have sex with him since that time, and made my interest clear, but, nothing. While our sex has never been better than mediocre (yes, it takes two), it was, at least, sex. Now - nothing. He's made it clear he doesn't think he has a problem and told me flat out that he's not going to change, and to wit, he's been as good as his word. Counseling did nothing to improve the situation.

So - did some research into 'porn addiction.' Let me say that perhaps the term 'addiction' is somewhat open to interpretation. But the most important things I have learned are that I'm not alone, that this IS an epidemic, and that a lot of men (or women, for that matter) just aren't going to change their behavior, even if the price of that behavior is divorce or the end of a relationship. Based on my own experience, I believe that porn addiction often goes hand in hand with other emotional baggage and issues, and that the addiction escalates. For example, our sex life has been eroding slowly over the years, until it reached its current state.

In the end, each of us has to take responsibility for our own actions. My marriage will most likely end, because living in a sexless marriage with someone who is emotionally, sexually, and physically absent is intolerable. I've learned what I need to do better the next time around.

So - if you can't live with it - consider moving on, because chances are, S/HE is not going to change. This isn't always simple, true, but to stay in a relationship if your needs are not being met will, in the long run, do more harm than good. Good luck to all of you that need it!

From Margot
I wrote earlier, and would like to emphasize that my porn problem is, in fact, unjustified. It is reasonable to me to have a problem with boyfriend porn when he ignores your wishes. Every one of these women is justified in her problem. of course porn is fine, but if you care about it more than your partner's feelings and honoring his or her requests, you have no right to have a partner. My partner clearly cares more about my feelings, and I therefore have no right to have a problem... but I still do...

From Megan
I've caught my fiancé looking at porn and I used to get so angry. Then I came online and realized there's millions of women who feel just as angry as me. I know that guys like porn and I'm trying to be okay with that. But it's hard when I don't look at other guys, nor do I fantasize about other guys, or even get sexually excited by anyone but him. I feel like this makes me more committed than him because he's shown me that when I'm "on the rag" every other girl in porn will do. 

The thing is, I'll have sex every day, more than once, and the only thing I won't do is have sex with someone other than him (I wouldn't have a threesome, etc). I've tried to tell him that I'll watch porn with him and he tells me that he would never do that and that would be so embarrassing, what would we do? I've tried explaining that it would be a good way for me to get over his fascination with porn, but he won't try it. Now, this bothers me. I've tried and have been willing to try everything in the book, no matter what, because it's all about how much you put into a relationship that makes it good. So why won't he try this out with me? 

It hurts me every time I go online and find out he's looking at porn. Yes, I do snoop when I get a gut feeling, but it's also our computer, not just his. And he could snoop all day and night and find not one thing that I did wrong. I just want to not feel like I've been betrayed or I love him more.

I am attractive and he knows that and yet I still feel like I'm not good enough. This only happens when I'm on my period, but even so I feel like if only I didn't get my period, it wouldn't happen. Why can't he just hold out for a week, I still give him oral sex during that week anyway. 

Why is it my job to get over it, when he should be willing to help to? It seems like that's what all guys say. Get over it, it's just our thing...but why won't anyone try to help us women out, we just don't understand, we don't look at porn like that.

From Margot
I have a problem that is highly unusual, at least I think it is. I keep finding examples of mostly softcore porn all over my fiancé's apartment. I told him early on that porn was a deal breaker, and he agreed. but here's the stupid thing - all of the "real" porn I've found (videos, mostly mild in nature, and relatively tame from behind shots on the computer), he legitimately argues was there long before me, from times when he didn't have a girlfriend, and that he forgot about it - each time apologizing and throwing it away.

I have no reason to believe he watches porn anymore, and he doesn't even care about me scourging his computer for it, so I know he's probably not hiding it from me, but it still bugs me that he has it at all, and the softcore porn he says he'll sell eventually, but he doesn't count it as "porn" because it doesn't arouse him. He is very true and kind, and if men are really like everyone says, I feel I may be depriving him of something, but I know I couldn't handle any real porn.

I'm otherwise a very liberal person, open to anything sexually, artistically, musically, etc... and he makes me feel very sexy, so I don't know what the problem is! It causes me to lose sleep, and as I am now pregnant with his child, that is a very bad thing. What the heck is wrong with me? Am I the only person in the world who has this ridiculous problem?

[Margot, take a moment and read the entries here and you'll realize you're not the only person who has this ridiculous problem]

From Anonymous
I just read where one woman on this site commented on how unfair Porn was from the woman's point of view. I am a sixty-six year old male. I have been an active viewer of Porn ever since I could get an erection. In the early years only breast were displayed. Now of course anything goes.

 I have to say that I believe its got to be very difficult for women today. There is so much out there, any perversion, the women displayed are as beautiful as can be found any where. Fuck, suck , anal, anything goes. How can a real regular girl compete with that. 

As addicted to porn as I am, I have to admit that men who have wives and girl friends would do well to leave all porn alone. Give those wonderful creatures all you got. If your are jerking off to porn in the afternoon, what do you have left for your woman at night. A message to the guys, if you have a real woman, put the porn away. Be a man and give it all to the girl you love.

From Jane
I think you're off the mark on this Ghost [see entry below], rather then weaning him off porn, it's sounds more like a perfect way to train a guy to watch more porn, so he gets more head. You know, like Pavlov's Dog.

From Ghost Rider
Anonymous, don't blow the works about him looking at porn. Go in and sit down and watch porn with him. When he gets aroused looking at them prancing around or participating in giving one another oral, very quietly slip down in front of him and give him a round of oral sex that will blow his mind. Or instigate a little doggie style while he looks at the video.

It may take a few sessions of this to wean him off of excessive porn viewing. If you care for him, it's worth trying.

From Anonymous
Ok, so I have recently walked in on my man a few times over the past few months and am enraged to see that he is fully aroused watching young girls dance around naked, giving blow jobs and doing freaky things with each other...I have NO problem with him looking at pictures, but he has downloaded tons of free internet videos and even used blue tooth to get them onto his cell phone. 

I am 23, petite, very fit and have a cute curvy muscular body, and am willing to have sex every day! It's one thing if it doesn't interfere with your sex life, but when it does, that's insane, especially when you have a hot girl wanting to have sex every day, twice a day! I actually want sex more than he does. He is only 25, so I am not understanding why he is having trouble wanting to have sex with me as often as I liked. Instead he is having sex with himself. What the hell is wrong with that picture? 

Should I give up and move on from our 7 year relationship? Am I stupid to wait for him to propose? Cause if it has nothing to do with me, than why isn't it me he is looking to get aroused with? Please help.

From Anonymous
I am a 28 year old woman who has been very happily married for 10 years with the love of my life, and I know I am the love of his life in return. We have 2 beautiful children and are expecting the third. Pornography used to be the only issue we ever fought about, and it would throw me into awful rages... to the point of crying myself to sleep many many times. I think it made him feel awful and he must have felt so guilty and ashamed.

So after fighting over and over again about the issue, I decided to bring it up with a counselor to help me sort through my feelings.

The main thing I realized is I was afraid I wasn't good enough, lovable enough, in one word "enough". My realization is that it has nothing to do with me. I think women have many fantasies that are not necessarily visual, we enjoy reading erotica, remembering wonderful love making and masturbating to it... And that makes us better partners... Men are visual, and porn has nothing to do with love. It's a physical reaction triggered by a visual clue.

I have no idea if my husband still looks at porn, because honest to God, I don't care. I realized that it's his private thoughts. As long as our sex life does not change, that he's tender and wonderful to me as always, and that he satisfies me, why in the world would I care? He makes love to ME, he comes home to ME... not some silicon, air-brushed picture. I also know he's no fool. He likes the fantasy but he knows about real life too. If things did change, and if our sex life was affected in a negative way, or he was looking at porn for hours, and I felt he was pulling away from me, then I would worry, in the same way that I would worry about excessive drinking, gambling or whatever...

The bottom line in my life is that I want to enjoy our love and sexuality, and I feel foolish for being so hurt for so long for something that has nothing to do with me. I love him and he loves me. And if he learns anything new or fun from the porn, I won't turn it down. I also know that it's a process that took me 10 years, and it's based on trust and deep love. I respect everyone's feelings on the issue and know how bad it hurts, when you're in a different state of mind.

From Not Enough Affection
I walked in on my husband looking at Porn on the computer and he was fully aroused and it upset me more than I could ever explain. I left in tears and felt disgusted and betrayed. At this time our baby was 4 months old and although I was always willing to have sex, but he never seemed interested. So when I caught him I felt betrayed and disgusted and worried that it was me and the way I looked. My feelings were so hurt. 

Our wedding was only months away. I found my self snooping on the computer for awhile after that, and found nothing, but felt terrible for doing it. I knew if I found something it was my own damn fault for looking! Then I thought about it and why I was upset. It wasn't the fact that he was looking at it, and possibly taking care of things on his own (I know that's all "normal"), it's the fact that he doesn't look at me, touch me, or ever want to have sex with me! 

We did get married and things were ok for awhile, until this week... I was "cleaning" up our computer and getting rid of all the pop-ups when I went into an area I was expecting and found over 50 sites he had been looking at. He didn't have to work this day and was at home with our baby (now over a year old). I couldn't believe he even had the time too look! I just left everything how it was and shut it off and went about my evening business... not saying much to him. 

Since it had been 9 months since the last incident I hadn't really thought much about it until it happened again. I am trying to figure out why I am so upset! All I keep thinking about is how we have sex maybe 3 times a month—am I not good enough? Do I not look as good? I am not over weight, in fact I look like I did before 2 children, but I am not perfect! He never looks at me, never compliments me, never touches me, doesn't give much affection at all. I know he loves me and we have "other" issues to address... but I feel finding the porn brings out not only a whole new issue, but makes the "other" issues even worse. 

What should I do? How should I feel? I know I would rather him look at a computer screen than cheat on me... but I would much rather fulfill his needs myself... I'm always willing and ready.

From Jane
I'm 20, and my boyfriend is 22. He lives in a sharehouse with two other guys, at about his age, and of course there's always a few porn magazines floating around the house. I don't know whether those magazines happen to be my boyfriend's or his house-mates, but I can say that I honestly don't care if my boyfriend looks at porn or not.

If he doesn't, great. If he does, all he can do is look at them in magazines and onscreen (I, for one, don't go checking on what he has on his computer, because I'd be pissed off if he went snooping around after me) but he can't have sex with them. I'm the physical female being there with him, he loves me, he chooses to be with me. Though my body is hardly the 'perfect' looking forms in porn, he stays with me, not the porn.

If I truly hated him looking at porn, I wouldn't be with him in the first place. If you hate your guy looking at porn, who's forcing you to stay with him?

From Charlie C
Brittany: [seen Brittany's entry below] Porn will always be there for him. The chance to make love to a 19 year old named Brittany will not. When he's 50 he is going to look back it will be you he remembers and when he recalls how he was masturbating to porn instead of being with you he's going to get very, very depressed.

From Girl Stressed
In response of Brittany's Post: [see entry below]

I am in a similar position as you are; however, I do not live with my boyfriend. I caught him looking at porn online several times, actually 5 times to be exact. Each and every time, it repeats itself: I get really upset and he promises that he would never do it again, and after a couple of months, I'll find porn on his computer. 

This really upsets me and makes me feel like I'm trying to control him. I constantly check up on his internet's history and downloaded videos. I don't know what to do...I feel helpless, insecure, betrayed, and totally disgusted by it. I mean, I'm not ugly and we have great sex together, so why is it that he's looking at porn? This really bothers me and makes me not want to be intimate with him anymore. He knows how I feel, but he continues to do it. Why do they do it?

From Brittany
I'm 19 and my boyfriend of 2 years is 23. We've been living together for about 6 months and he watches porn almost everyday, usually when I am here. He says he doesn't want to wake me (I'm usually sleeping when he's watching it) and that he doesn't want to go through the trouble of having sex just to get off. 

I'm very jealous of the girls in these movies and am struggling with how to deal with this problem. I'm willing to have sex any time he wants and even give him oral sex at his request, but he says he doesn't want to use me and that I would get tired of it real fast. I want to have sex every night, but he spends most of his time on the computer playing games and is too tired when he goes to bed. 

I can't help but destroy myself over this. I blame how I look, and feel I can't compete with these videos. I've tried talking to him about this, but there's not much I can say that will stop him from doing this. I'm afraid he's going to (or already does) prefer watching porn to having sex with me. He says that the real thing is better, but he doesn't feel like having sex, just wants to get off. I feel we're too young to be having these problems, and I just don't know what to do.

From Tex
"Pornography is rather like trying to find out about a Beethoven symphony by having somebody tell you about it and perhaps hum a few bars." —Robertson Davies"

The late Prof. Davies didn't live long enough to see high speed cable modems and the ability to download high definition DVD quality porn movies in the comfort of your own home. A Google Search of "men and porn" "porn addiction" or "husband addicted to porn" will show that for many men, especially those in long term relationships who have grown bored with their own "symphonies" are more than satisfied with the quality and unlimited sexual variety today's new technologies provide. Some even prefer it.

From Marc
I am missing a point in the other participants' reactions:  I think we have to take into account the possibility that monogamy is a big sacrifice for a man (for a woman possibly as well, but that I cannot judge). A man is pretty consciously making this sacrifice if he loves a woman and wants to share a life with her. Nevertheless, it is a huge sacrifice, and getting married or having a permanent spouse means to engage in a difficult trade-off. We trade the sacrifice of monogamy with the pleasure of having a trusted spouse. 

Porn on the computer may just mean to lower that sacrifice. He can look at naked, young, pretty women and thus overcome the sacrifice of monogamy. It is a way of NOT betraying one's spouse. Porn on the Internet allows for having non-monogamic arousal without betraying the woman he loves. A man who looks at porn on the computer will more likely be faithful and a loving spouse and partner.

From Been There
The rule of thumb regarding men and porn (for wives/girlfriends) is if he is still having sex with you then it is not a serious problem and better to leave him alone. Men love fantasy and are able to separate fantasy sex and the real thing.

This being said though, you should monitor you sex life as a couple because it is very easy for men to slowly increase their porn watching and masturbation habits to the point where they actually prefer that to the real thing. It doesn't happen to every man but it does happen. If the frequency of sex with him is dwindling away that is a danger sign.

If you two are having any kind of problems sexually this can accelerate his porn watching. If he himself has any sexual difficulties such as trouble getting or holding an erection, having trouble ejaculating during intercourse or is the anxious type then these can be triggers for increased reliance on porn and masturbation.

If for whatever reason he is not as attracted to you physically because of weight gain, etc, then you might consider fixing these problems. Many men turn to porn and masturbation because they are no longer visually attracted to their partners and therefore have trouble getting aroused.

From Andy
My wife and I are born in 1955 and we both have our own computer. Both she and I have a lot of porn on our computer and if one of us find a nice site do do we share it with the other.

We have sex 3 - 10 times a week and use what we see on the computer to find new ways to have it nice together. Share what you have on your computer with your partner.

From Ber
I too found lots of porn on my husbands computer. At first I was so upset. Why them? Why not me? He even seemed to have a preference - woman who were really fit, body builders, etc. I felt I can not compete with them. I am and 40+ mother of three and totally not fit. I did keep and open mind, and as a matter of fact I made a mission to be a woman that would fulfill my husband. 

Sex was  1-3 a month - not anymore. I started talking a little more during sex one evening - express how good things felt or what would feel good to me. We had an amazing night and as we laid and talked I asked him about his desires. He was honest and told me for his interest in "fit woman" and how he has been masturbating at least 2 times a week to fill the void of our no sex. 

Sex has always been good, it had just slowed down due to our busy lives. It made me sad that he had to masturbate and made me want him more. As we talked I told him - I can sit back and keep waiting to get thinner, sexier, younger, but why. The reality is I can't get younger, but I am working on thinner and sexier. So if hot naked fit girls on the internet turn him on and he turns to me to fill his needs then I am happy. I am happy to because he is so turned on by them that all my needs are met too! 

Communication to a partner is key. My next venture is to watch a muscle/fit girl viedo with him and just "blow" his mind.

From LabiaLover
Well, I have a lot of porn on my computer. My wife knows about it. I used to have printed porn and my wife knew about that-- indeed I know for a fact she used to use it herself when I was away. And I have known other girls do the same. Having this porn in no way lessens my desire to have my wife, as often as I can. 

Everybody is different though and I know some (many?) women see porn as competition. However I think that is a misapprehension that may have something to do with differences in the way that men and women stimulate themselves when they masturbate. Most women I have known like to close their eyes and make with the internal fantasy movie show, whereas I think most men like to look. 

Now if a woman believes that a man in a relationship should not be playing with himself then she has to be there for all the times he suddenly gets caught with the itch, right there and then. I think that is common enough in the early years of a relationship, but once a woman has children and the stress etc they bring, she probably has other things to think about a lot of the time. And I think most men, if they are actually being honest, would say they can easily come several times a day, indeed may need to. (Saying "control yourself" won't wash.) So the man either makes with the porn or uses a more physical substitute. I'm guessing most women will settle for the porn. 

Now of course if there is another underlying problem and the porn is just a symptom, that's something else, and you would need to get to the bottom of it. But if he just likes porn, why not loosen up with it and try some with him? I doubt if he'll leave you for a few assembled pixels.

From Sarah
You stated this porn accumulated during a "dry spell" while you were having children. Whether you were pregnant, attending to the needs of your young children or whatever your husband clearly was sexually unsatisfied. If the most he did was look at porn you could consider yourself lucky. 

Sexuality, sexual attraction is a mercurial thing. Some men find that its hard to reconcile their sexual feelings for their wife with her "motherhood phase" and all it entails, even in instances where the wife is willing and available. 

My advice is, get over it. Make yourself sexually available to your husband again. Even watch some quality porn together. Porn is such a poor comparison to the real thing that I bet you find your husband is more than happy to replace fantasy with reality.

From James
Well, Frances (see entry below), I think it's hardly one person's problem. This is an issue that involves TWO people in a relationship, not just one. They both need to deal with it, it's not just her's to accept or get over. Porn itself is not a problem, that only happens when it leaves out one in the relationship. At that point, it becomes an issue they both need to deal with to their mutual satisfaction. 

It would be a good idea to sit down and discuss it, then both people need to give, and take, to make it work for both of them.

From Ghost Rider
In regards to your opening statement about pictures of nude women on your husband's computer, if I were you I wouldn't let it bother me. As long as he doesn't show undue attention toward other women and neglect you, I would say you don't have anything to worry about. 

No, I don't think it is anything wrong for you to look at things in your husband's computer either. If he doesn't want you to see it, it shouldn't be in the computer. But in relation to the pictures, its just like having a Jag parked in your garage. This still doesn't stop you from looking at a Porsche, a Lincoln, or a Caddy. Relax, enjoy the husband you have and don't create a problem that doesn't exist.

From Johnny
I get turned on looking at the sites my wife has been secretly visiting, mostly gay male or two men and a woman. I'd like to bring up the subject, but she'll know I've been spying, also she may stop doing it all together. Perhaps I'll suggest watching some porn together. I don't see it as a problem, anyhow.

From Meri
I think your initial reaction is a natural one, but jealousy is a destructive emotion (more to yourself than anyone else) with no real benefit. My first reaction to my husband getting off to movies after our daughter was born was similar, but quickly dissipated once I started checking out some things that turned me on (whether or not they did it for him although, like you, I couldn't really understand his motives at the time because I was willing to do anything too). 

I realized in none too long a time that exploring other avenues can add a kick to your sex life and put you more in touch (so to speak) with your own sexuality. Give it a try. Watch a little porn on your own, even if your sex life is going great. Scroll through some of the movie clip websites and watch some of the over-the- top stuff, or whatever turns you on (turns YOU on!). Whatever really does it for you can be brought into the bedroom, in reality if he wants to try it, or in your mind to heighten your experience if he doesn't. 

However you decide to do it, don't let it interfere with the open communication you obviously already have that contributes to a great time in bed. Good luck!

From Frances
My significant other sent me a short video clip of a young thing doing a strip to music. He wanted me to see how hot she was and he admitted he had to go take a shower afterwards. At first I was jealous because I felt I should be the one to make him want to go take a shower! I knew he would never ever get the chance to meet this girl, touch her, etc., but still I was bent out of shape about it all.

He said, "Why are you being so silly about it?" I make no secret of the fact I love looking at beautiful women, and he thought I would enjoy seeing this. After much thought I decided to one up the girl and do my own video clip and sent it to him a few days later. I knocked his socks off!

My point is, it wasn’t so much that he was looking at another girl in a pornographic clip as it was the physical reaction she gave him that bothered me. The way I got over this was by proving to myself that I could elicit the same reaction and better, because I knew he could touch me and not her.

Find ways of using your husband’s love of porn to improve your relationship instead of letting it destroy it. There’s nothing sexier than knowing he’s getting all hard and hot and you’re going to reap the rewards later. Let him live out his fantasies in you! That’s how I got over it.

From Beth
First of all, don’t worry about being jealous. It’s a natural reaction to something new and slightly threatening. Since you are being so open about it, there is every reason to believe your feelings will adjust if you give them time.

My other thoughts are this. It seems it isn’t really about porn per se but about feeling sexual. Porn is just a means to an end - getting excited, fueling fantasies, etc. I am uncomfortable when women think they need to "compete" with porn. A live person and a picture are two wholly different things.

Porn is an amusement, like hockey or golf or fiddling in the garage. It has the added advantage of revving them up and then you get to reap the benefits. By all means, share the experience with him if you want to but don’t try to become the experience. You are likely very much more than that. If there's "nothing they’ll do that you won’t", excellent. Sex is so much fun, especially when you feel free enough to do whatever, but don’t do it just because the chicks in the pics are doing it. You have to enjoy it too, or he'll know somewhere that it isn’t authentic. There is no bigger thrill than getting totally naughty with someone you completely love and trust. The more trust, the less limits. Go for it with that in mind.

From Volponia
My daughter just broke up with her live-in of almost four years. One main reason was his addiction to porn; he racked up a $700 cable bill, which resulted in the company coming out and removing the cable box. The problem, at least in my view, was not the porn. It was his addiction to it. He was also using drugs, which was the main reason my daughter finally conquered her fear of the unknown and decided to move out.

I think the porn itself (assuming nobody is exploited) is kind of neutral. What counts is people’s use of it and reaction to it. In my family’s case, the more my daughter’s live-in obsessed over porn, the more alienated she became, and the less willing to have sex, which probably led to his watching even more porn.

Regarding your situation, is your husband’s interest in porn taking something away from you apart from the insecurity it inspires? Is it eating into his productivity, either as a worker or as your partner or a father (assuming you have children)? Is he paying for it? If he is, do you consider the entertainment costs excessive? Is it eating into your family budget?

If not, then it sounds to me like the principal problem is your insecurity and the fact that you are spying on him, and the negative feelings you have as a result. You sound afraid, as though the porn he looks at is your personal rival. It sounds like you believe he finds you somehow unsatisfactory, and that if he were satisfied with you as a woman and your sex life as a couple, he would not want to look at porn. I’m not sure that has any validity at all. I know you said you’ve discussed it to death, but sorry, it sounds to me as though more discussion is warranted.

Everyone, even a married person, deserves some privacy. It can’t be good for you to be sneaking around, watching him. It can’t be good for you, for him, or for your marriage. Imagine how you’d feel if he were checking up on your every move.

From Richard
Your feelings about your husband looking at naked others don’t sound so very different to the feelings many women express if they see their man looking at another woman on the beach. Reality is (to me, anyway) that being married and loving someone else does not automatically shut down a man’s (and I would presume a woman’s) basic programming. There are faces, figures, postures and actions to which we respond and we all know that we do. If we did not know it, we would not be able to write about it, or sell cars or washing machines with it. It’s not about wanting something better than what we’ve got. Simply that nature leaves us permanently wanting, period. Sometimes yes, it’s an indication of a problem.

Advice? Maybe tell him you’d rather it wasn’t a secret, and you would prefer to share rather than be excluded. Chances are you’ll both learn delightful new things about each other and grow all the closer.

From Dorothy
From your previous snooping, you’ve seen some of the things your husband’s been looking at. If the sex between you is good already, I'm thinking it will get even better if you provide him with a live model of the stuff he's been watching.

Anonymous asks Is it wrong to snoop on my husband’s computer when he’s away?

I suspect it is. On the other hand, he could easily hide where he’s been and what he’s seen. Even the technologically challenged can easily see if someone has been snooping. So I suspect that your husband is fully aware of your snooping. If he hasn’t challenged you about it, it probably amuses him. All the more reason to perform for him.

From Anon
I am a guy in his forties, married for many years. I would like to think that I have some clue about sex and women. I have read these posts, which are mostly by women, and they are fascinating. I want to weigh in with a couple of points.

Every other guy who has posted here has said some variation of "just because we look at porn doesn’t mean we don’t love you above all". I think this is true for most guys. Several women have asked why their man spends all of their time looking at porn while they remain sexually unfulfilled. I think if this is more than a once in a while problem, your relationship is deeply troubled. I like porn, but I like real sex more. If some guy is telling you they aren’t interested in sex with you, but they’ll be to bed after they finish jacking off, you have a major relationship problem.

Turning to the issue where I hope my comments can really help, good relationships where the female is troubled by the fact that the male sometimes watches porn.

Watching porn is not intended to be a betrayal of love. If you equate watching porn with an affair, you are not on the same page as your guy. Even if you can get him to understand that you feel that way, he still doesn’t think that is what he has done. Give his point of view some credit. If you imagine yourself with your romance novel hero, you have not cheated on your man. One is visual and one is emotional, but they are both fantasy. (I wish that this had been my original observation because it goes to the heart of how men and women fantasize.) I don’t watch porn because of my wife’s failings. Porn is not her replacement. I watch porn because it turns me on. Why do you eat chocolate?

Watching sex is different from having sex. There is a part of porn which is in the watching. This is why I like to watch porn with my wife. I want to get turned on visually, and then I want to fuck her brains out. I really don’t want to bring the porn stars into my bedroom in person, they have done their job on the screen.

Frances is on the right track, "Find ways of using your husband’s love of porn to improve your relationship instead of letting it destroy it. There’s nothing sexier than knowing he’s getting all hard and hot and you’re going to reap the rewards later. Let him live out his fantasies in you!" [see Frances' entry on page 2]

Would you consider using your husband’s porn to blow his mind? What if you jacked him off while he was watching? What if you did it so slowly that he was dying? What would you whisper in his ear? I guarantee you that what he will remember is that you blew his mind while he was watching porn, not necessarily what he was watching.

The same goes for the suggestion below to fuck doggie style while watching. That is hot. For me I don’t think that I am fucking the person on the screen. I think that I am both fucking and watching a couple on the screen. It is just more sensory input. Just like squeezing my balls while sucking my cock is more sensory input. More input is sometimes good, but not always what I want.

If you ever integrate a vibrator, in or on you, into sex, think of this as the equivalent. That big pulsing piece of plastic in you didn’t lessen the heat of the sex you then had with your man.

What do you want to see? Get your guy to rent it!

From John
Anonymous, [see entry below] I like porn and have plenty of it on my computer, under my bed, in my nightstand draw, and I have a nifty collection of adult movies. So I don't see what the big deal is, and why women get to bent out of shape about it all. My wife doesn't mind, and she enjoys porn.

However, when a guy spends so much money on porn and neglects his wife, well there's a problem. A big huge problem. My suggestion? Pack his suitcase and kick his sorry ass out the door. You can do better then live with a jerk like that. And he can live with all his porn.

From Anonymous
Hi, I need some advice. My husband of 7 years has been downloading porn chicks onto his mobile, costing him over $200 a month. He now gets his mobile bill sent to work so I don't catch him out. He has also spent $800 on checking out porn on the internet 3 years ago. He is 13 years older than me, (41) and I know I shouldn't be jealous but I am as we are lucky if we have sex once a month and its boring. I am a very active person who would have sex every night if I could, but he never wants to. What do I do?

From KB
From the male point of view, porn is something about 99% of us guys do occasionally. Nothing wrong with it. "Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu". Some guys need it or like it more than others. Just the natural difference between people. 

I think that males (I wouldn't know about gals) are constantly looking at things in a sexual manner. Walking down the street, they are checking out women's tits (if that's what they like), wondering what it would be like to suck on them. If they're interested in other guys, they are checking out the guy's equipment while showering at the gym, or checking out the guy's cock who is standing at the urinal next to them. 

Men are very sexually oriented, and just because they have porn on their computer, a Playboy or Penthouse in their desk drawer, a sexy calendar on the wall of their work-shop ... it's just natural, normal, and not a big deal. Guys are always "seeing things" sexually, and then store up this sexual energy which helps them later enjoy a sexual act, whether it is intercourse with their girlfriend or wife, masturbation by themselves, or perhaps a session of "69" with another guy.

From Michael David
To anonymous, I agree that a guy with a 1000 pictures of the SAME porn star is a bit obsessive. I’ve thought about this topic so very much, and I truly sympathize with the women who ask "why" when a guy won’t have sex with her, yet will have sex with himself. It is such a complicated issue, because the true answer is painful.

The actuality of it all is that we guys get bored with the same woman. Now that does NOT mean that we don’t love her, or that she is incapable of turning us on, or she isn’t pretty enough. My brother used to say, "Somewhere, some guy is tired of fucking Claudia Schiffer". And he is right. Sadly, he is right. It’s like hearing the same joke over and over. The first few times, you laugh your ass off, but as time goes on it isn’t funny anymore, and eventually you cringe when you hear it.

I’ll tell you though; I think porn, of any variety and of any frequency, is a bad thing. Now, this doesn’t mean that reading erotic literature is bad, because I think that makes you use your mind, but anything can become an addiction. Ladies, be honest, there a quite a few of you out there that have lost yourself in your "romance" books and that draws energy from the relationship with your mate.

I’ll be honest, having kids hurt our sexual relationship, because I just see her in a different light than I did before. I "admire" her and I enjoy the tender relationship she has with our children, and that does hamper the mindset that goes along with freak-nasty sex, you know? She asked me once what kind of porn I watch, when I watch porn. The truth is, I had already cut WAY back, sometimes going months without viewing a thing. I didn’t want to answer, but being the dumb guy that I am I said, "anal sex". Oh boy, that was the wrong answer. She told me that she would NEVER do that, and that it was gross. I made the second mistake of saying; "I would never want to have anal sex with you". I knew it was stupid the moment the last word left my lips.

The truth is I would NEVER want to have anal sex with the wife of my kids! And I do dream about meeting a confident, sexy woman who wants me to fuck her up the ass though, and she is never a "slut" in my fantasy, she is simply "adventurous". So, go figure.

Whew, anyway. I’ve cut out the porn, and I must admit that I want to have sex with her more often. That is the honest truth. Porn saps erotic energy away from your relationship. Maybe for some couples it is different…if they watch it together. However, I think that when the guy is doing it alone, it only hampers his sex life with his wife.

From Anonymous
To Anonymous (below). Yes. what you say rings true. Men can justify their behavior however they want to (they are more visually stimulated than women etc etc) but fantasy is often avoidance.

Deal with reality guys. There are plenty of us women out there who want to have sex with you. But now we don't want to do it if it only means that you have fun and we don't. That is what most straight porn that I have seen is about and it is a lie. You can dream all you want about penis centric sex where the woman's only goal is to please you, but that is not reality.

Get off of your computer and into your body and your mind and talk to the woman you are with. You will be pleasantly surprised to learn that to give is as good as to receive.

From Anonymous
I have looked at pornography and erotica for years, something that as far as I can tell is not at all unusual for many men. Why do I do this? Why did I do it? Well in the beginning I can definitely say it was because I found the images to be intensely stimulating, and in conjunction with masturbation led to intensely satisfying orgasms. Thirty years later, I would have to say the same thing as far as motivation for looking at erotic imagery.

Now when I was 12 which is when I began this behavior, this was about the only way I would have ever found sexual release. This was pre-birth control pill days, and every girl I knew was quite definitely afraid that she'd get pregnant if she fooled around. As I think back to some of the more absurd things we believed about sex and how not to have it lead to pregnancy, I'd have to say fear of becoming pregnant was definitely appropriate. Even if this were not true, how many 12 year old boys ever get to "score", not too many even today I'd bet!

The images you found in the 60's were pretty tame and definitely less erotically charged than today's state of the art pornography. I'd have to say in general most of the published porn was crudely executed. That certainly is NOT true today. Oh yes there are plenty of poorly executed porn images, but there are even more increasingly more intense, realistic and highly charged images floating around the Internet today than you'd ever have found in the entire world in the 60's.

And lest you think you have to buy good porn, think again! I could find a thousand highly erotic super detailed images and down load them to my hard drive for free on any day of the year. Don't believe me? Go try it.

Now if I did this every day, or even several days a week would that level of involvement with pornography be an indication of a problem. Hell yes it would be! Would it please me if I was a woman and I knew my husband or lover was doing this instead of doing me? No! I'd be hurt, angry, and confused especially if I was a ready willing loving partner for him. It would only be appropriate for me to feel slighted by this kind of behavior.

I've heard a few people say they use porn to fill in the gaps left by a disinterested or inattentive partner. Well I did that too, but let me tell you this, it never did a single thing to make my partner more attentive or interested. On the contrary, the time I spent looking at porn only intensified the problem, because she viewed it as evidence that I didn't care about her. So if it doesn't change her or our reality, then viewing porn can only be a substitute for the relationship I actually wanted. I'm not sure how to imagine this is not some form of cheating on my wife. Now you might say, wait a minute I didn't actually do something with another person so I wasn't really cheating. I sure felt that way for a long time.

However, I now realize that it isn't that much different at all, because before any action there is always a preceding thought. So even though I did not cheat physically, I had to have cheated mentally. I just never followed through physically, because the imagery coupled with self stimulation brought release. I think I was only fooling myself to imagine this was not at the expense of my relation with my wife.

Ladies, tell me what you think. Does what I say ring true with you?

From Karmakonchog
This is a very interesting topic and one in which I can see various sides of the argument for and against. I am in my late fifties and have been married to the same women for 30 years. My wife is loving and is a wonderful mother to our daughter who is now 25. 

In my mid thirties I worked away from home regularly and on very regular occasions I availed myself of the services of prostitutes. Although I was not aware of it then, I was not seeking sex or love, I was just sick and lonely. Yes I loved my wife but this constant acting out created a downward spiral. 17 years ago I got sober. I realized that my root problem was alcoholism, the use of which numbed my senses and made acting out desirable and necessary. What followed was extensive therapy which helped me deal with a whole load of issues surrounding my role in life and my sexuality. 

17 years on and thankfully, still sober my wife and I now have a deep and meaningful sexual, spiritual and physical relationship. It took a long long time for my wife to really forgive my past behaviour and I don't think she will ever forget my past, nor should she. 

I also have managed to forgive myself for the heartache which I brought to those closest to me, and yes I look at erotic images on our computer but the difference is that I have no desire at all to act out. Our erotic explorations on the WWW have added to our close private moments

From Jo
I am so tired of men saying that they needed visual stimulation. If my husband sees me naked isn't that the same thing. I know I don't have a great body like Jenna Jameson, but that is fantasy and I'm reality. Sometimes I feel like he would like to be with someone like her instead of me. He says that I am the only one that he wants. I know he loves me but am I enough. I never was a jealous person until I found porn on our computer...now I worry that he is not making love to me but fucking one of them. I try to talk more during sex, so that he hears my voice and not one of theirs. Am I just overreacting?

From Sandy
I have now been married for 11 years and, no, I don't snoop. He does not snoop with me. In fact, it really doesn't matter because we have nothing to hide. I'm sorry if you women disagree . . . it just works with us. My husband has been known to bring home a magazine or a movie. And in the bedroom, he is free to look all he wants. 

Occasionally, I will share my time with him and watch also. There was a time when I did feel this jealousy creep in and all it did was make us more distant. Because I chose to "venture" with him, it has brought us closer together because we can communicate our desires and fantasies without being afraid of hurting each other. And sometimes, on special occasions, I will buy him the swimsuit issue or some erotic stories as a gift. This is just one of my ways of taking care of him and, in return, he expresses his love for me in very affectionate ways . . . still!

Sometimes, I really feel that women have more power in a relationship than they truly realize to keep their men interested in them. If we can just get past our jealousies, we can learn more about what makes them "tick" by becoming more "involved" with their little secret desires.

There was a time when I once battled this issue, until I realized again and again that we were drifting apart over something that was actually nothing.

From Anonymous
In reading through many of these entries I see a constant theme that men are more visually stimulated than women, men are just looking at porn but they come home to you, etc. etc. There may be a biological difference between men and women when it comes to sexual stimulation but let's not forget the sociocultural influence that has existed since forever. 

Men have always been discouraged from expressing emotions and have not been well schooled in communicating in general, let alone about intimacy. In the name of "healthy sexuality" or against sexual repression there has always been a wink and a nod given to men looking at porn, going to strip clubs, etc. Now with women's liberation we are being encouraged to do the same (though a minority of porn is actually produced by and for women, so how healthy can it be?) 

My question is, where do we draw the line? Is it every man's right to get off as much as he wants watching whatever he wants no matter who else is effected? I don't think so, but I think the billions of dollar a year porn industry does and they try to use the "healthy sexuality/anti-repression" argument to further their profits. 

There are people involved in the production of porn that are potentially being harmed and there are your partners that are being harmed (if the comments here are any indication). Do men expect their real life mates to look like or do some of the stuff that they see in porn? I think so. Do women start believing they are only sexually desirable if they are willing to do the stuff that porn stars do? I think so.

I think erotica or soft porn used as a substitute for the real thing when your partner is not around makes sense. and if you want to watch stuff together and it is totally consensual than why not. But porn has harmful side effects just like drinking and smoking and any other potentially addictive behavior and men should grow up and learn how to communicate with their partners and discipline themselves. You are not in fact entitled to whatever you want whenever you want it no matter who else is harmed.

From Anonymous
I'd just like to say how useful this message board has been to me recently. To see other women's views has reassured me that I am not the only one who finds this topic hard to deal with and live alongside.

I'm currently unsure about the whole thing. I used to fear boyfriend's masturbating over porn so much it was an outright ban in my relationships. Most guys were ok about this for a few months, or even years if they're ever to be believed, before the cracks started to show. (Sorry, bad joke there). But I didn't worry back then because I had pretty much already controlled the hell out of them from the start, and had manipulated their minds so much they believed what I thought was true. I'm older and wiser now, and I've never tried to control or manipulate the man I'm with now.

When I've snooped through his computer (about three times now) my heart slams so much I can't hear anything else—I don't know if it's the fear of what I'll find or just adrenalin fuelled by guilt. So for health alone I have to stop myself snooping. I've never found anything terrible yet (just hints at occasional tame porn use), but when I'm feeling insecure, just the thoughts in his head when he does anything by himself make me want to never see him again. 

Just the thought that in his mind he has just been shagging other women, or whatever the fantasy/picture on screen may be, makes me want to leave him through stupid pride. I know this may be irrational but I think that if I do all these things to my mind (not leering at other guys, not seeking porn if I'm horny....Why can't he?)

I'm now under the impression that, as people have said here, porn and fantasy masturbation have no bearing on how much a man loves you or wants you. It's a different world to them, when we as women sometimes find it inextricable; love and sex. Physical not emotional. Every man will do it. Whatever they're telling you.

I'm trying to be cool with it, and not cold with him. But it's very very difficult.

From Suzan
Years ago it used to really piss me off. Then I stumbled across an actor 5 years ago who is still my favorite actor and he pulled me right into the gutter, which I've never quite gotten out of. In fact I stopped trying to get my head out of the gutter long ago. And there are a few people besides the favorite actor who keep my motor running, so to speak....they are not aware, tho'.....at least I hope not....if they were aware, just shoot me so I won't have to die of embarrassment.

What hubby views online pales in comparison to the depravity that goes on in my head sometimes....so I don't have much room to talk.

I've written some erotica, but I'm not published.

8/4/07

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