Married And Gazing

Is looking the same as cheating?

Nice bit of gazing here...

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From Anonymous
I have been married for almost a year. Truthfully...Come On! My husband and I both enjoy looking (and I mean looking at not flirting or anything else) at other attractive people. I will even point out an attractive woman, esp. if she is wearing an outfit I think my husband would like to see me wear.

If you are comfortable and confident in your relationship, looking, even harmless flirting, is not a problem. No matter how attractive a woman is or how hard she is flirting with my husband, I love it! I know he is coming home to me and only me. So ladies out there if your husband or man is looking...look to. You only live once and if you are with the right one you only get to share a small amount of time with him or her. Enjoy it.

From Teresa
I am of the belief that if you're married, you shouldn't do anything (flirting, looking, etc) away from your spouse that you wouldn't feel comfortable doing right in front of him/her. Period.

From Anonymous
First let me say, this is a great web site. Love the discussions! I look at men and know that my husband looks at other women - no problems there, it's natural. I'd probably be more worried if he didn't! 

The only problem I would have is if another woman started flirting heavily with my husband in my presence (well I'd have more of a problem if I weren't there, but I'd just have to hope). Then I might walk up and say something to her like "Oh I see you've met MY HUSBAND" and look her right in the eye and give her a big smile and bat my eyelashes - just something to let her know that I'm not oblivious to it all and my sex life with my husband is very important and valuable to me!

From Carol
If looking, as in "gazing upon" is the subject of discussion here, give me a break! Asking anybody to stop looking at attractive people with their eyes is simply absurd.

From Anonymous
I'm 62 and still looking. Been together for over forty years, nothing exciting, still one way on my part, I do it all she just goes along. I can make her go off all the time, but for me its just in & out I can never get her to go any further. I see nothing wrong in still looking and perhaps find an equal giver.

Life is just too short, so to all of you younger hang in there and keep a liberal mind...and believe me the older you get the more you will have that attitude, because sex does keep you young. Looking for that equal partner willing to share a night....

From SubtleTalk
I am writing this after reading the letter from the woman that doesn't know if her husband is telling the truth or not about not thinking about anyone else [see entry below] . From my experience, and from what you said, I would have to say that he may be telling the truth, but he may be in a bit of denial. Meaning that, if he says that he doesn't then you won't. He's trying not to think about it as if that will keep you from thinking about it.

I have never understood the idea that people fight their feelings. How can we be open and free if were not open and free?

I love the look of sexy people, just being themselves. If you are in a committed relationship then you have to stay the course but if you can play then play. Don't hold someone back from being happy or enjoying themselves. You should want your partner to experience pleasure.

You should communicate that you like to look. Be honest and that will help him face what he is really feeling and be honest too.

From Walsh
I often ask my husband if he is attracted to any other girls or if he fantasizes about other girls. I believe everybody is attracted to other people but he claims not be attracted to anyone but me and not to fantasies about anyone but me. Now I feel he's lying to me. Is it possible that he might actually be telling the truth?

I myself fantasize about other people quite a lot. I also am quite a flirt. I feel guilty if find someone attractive because I think it might upset my husband if he found out. He also has low self esteem and says he's surprised someone as pretty as me would have sex with him, which makes me wonder if he would as pathetically grateful to any pretty woman who would sleep with him?

It wouldn't bother me if he looked, I think that's only natural but I think you need to know where to draw the line. If you meet someone you like the look of, should you pursue it or go out of your way to avoid the person?

From Jerry D
I truly believe that it is a primal feeling that most all of us have to seek out the others we feel are attractive and strong to procreate with and promote the existence of our kind. And the fact that as human beings we have a lust and enjoyment of the feeling for sex is just a driving factor for us to seek beyond what we already have. Society and organized religion has changed this ancient way that most forgot. As for me! I think it should be as it was when my ancestors were young and there clothes we new, they could have one wife or more if they wished. But remember it said that anyone with more than one woman deserves them.

From M
Just because you are married, does not mean that you cannot look. I means that you cannot do anything else. There is no harm in looking, but do not get tempted to do anything else. I don't mind my wife looking, as I know she will respect our vows.

From Jolie
I'm bisexual, so my husband and I look at women together. He tells me I'm beautiful every day of the week, so I don't normally get jealous. Unless we're looking at some hot black chic, since I'm a black chic, too. Then sometimes I get jealous.

As for me and men, I'm a huge flirt. So, I'm always looking! I don't do it with him, because he's not interested in men. It's fun to look at men with a gay male friend, though!

From Neil
Which married person wishes that their partner no longer be attractive to the other sex? Does marriage automatically deaden the appreciation of the other sex? Our answer to both questions is NO!

The next step logically is to accept that it is ok to look at other people. We can then continue this to include having contact.

From the other side, then, it must also be acceptable for other people to express their attraction for your partner. We both find this approach helps to confirm our own appreciation for each other's attractiveness, and the fact that we both genuinely prefer physical contact (OK, sex!) with each other but not to the total exclusion of other partners.

Our key is to be honest about the whole issue, and only to have sex with people we each approve of, and sometimes all together.

From Mike 
My wife and I are both people watchers. We enjoy it and share it. We know who the other person will find attractive and why. My wife has a strong affinity to the Irish gene pool which, fortunately, I happen to be part of. I like strong, self confident women of all ages and shapes.

We comment on the people we see, male and female. We enjoy the ones who show zest and enjoyment of life. The lucky ones who wear their bodies like a favourite suit of clothes. The determined ones who sell their assets with skill. The ones who see themselves as attractive despite all evidence to the contrary. The slightly out of mainstream ones who don't know how sexy they are.

We discuss what happens someone seems attracted to us. On holiday in the US recently my wife was getting lots of meaningful glances in Taos and Santa Fe which she attributed to being different from the indigenous style but which I felt had more to do with the fact that she was having a damn good time. When I was in my teens and twenties I would occasionally get chatted up by gay men. My wife would watch with amusement and ask me which ones I fancied.

All this is fun and makes us stronger.

It has its downside. We each know where we don't match the ideal lust mate of the other. In the difficult times that can be uncomfortable.

There is also the mystery of jealousy. Sometimes I feel like the male lead in "The Accidental Tourist", insulated from experiencing some of the passions of the world. Jealousy passes me by. I don't understand it. I am completely clear that if my wife wanted someone else she could, maybe even should, have them. This is where she and I part company. Where watching dulls the boundaries. I know that she would be happier if, every now and then, I would flare up when she looks at someone else or when they look at her.

From Kris
This is much the same thing I've heard from a couple of Christian friends whose pastor rails against women reading romance novels. The theory goes that women who read romance novels portraying perfect heroes will look upon their un-perfect husbands with disdain and have to resort to fantasizing (oh no, not fantasizing!) about the heroes in their books in order to share intimacy with their husbands. In other words, don't read books about anything but really, really flawed characters so your spouse still looks good to you. No wonder Oprah's book club does so well.

From Griffin
Looking at other hot bodies around us, my wife and I learn what each other likes and dislikes. Because I'm a blunt monster, I tell her which one of her friends I'd like to fuck...not that I ever would. I'd run away! I get scared by REAL naughtiness too easily (I'd rather write about it).

But this way, we know what turns the other on, and why. As we all know, communication is the key to relationships, and knowledge of what the other likes is tied in with that.

For instance...

I'm sure most of you, men and women ERAsters alike, have seen Charlize Theron on the cover of the recent Vogue issue, with the caption "Return of the Glamour Girl" or something like that (I'm surprised I even remember that much text), but to me, Charlize is soooo hot in a way that the rest of the hot actresses can only aspire to be.

My wife was saying, "She's got an amazing body." I said, just off the cuff, "Her body is a lot like yours," meaning that they're the same body type. Well, I couldn't have done better by giving her a dozen gold-plated roses! See? Drooling over others CAN get you bonus points...or is that bonus boinks?

From Francesca
Human nature is Human nature it is never going to change and it is as old as Adam, Eve and the fruit. In an ideal world we would all stay married and faithful to one person.. Life is not like that, too many temptations.

From James Martin
Assuming Adam and Eve didn't have a choice (not in our Lilith-less version of the creation myth at least) polygamy and polyandry have been around just as long. In fact, monogamy isn't even the "innate trait" of choice among the world's populations.

I wonder what we'd be like if we couldn't flirt, dress up, look at the hem of a short summer skirt as it fluttered in the wind, wonder about the sexual possibilities of a chance encounter.

All I know is: Killing Eros sure would make death a whole lot easier to stomach.

From Toecnal
Every post has had something very true to say. And I think the unifying factor is that each relationship must define for itself what is and is not appropriate. To apply broad rules to every relationship is to assume than relationships are all pretty much the same. How very boring, if you ask me.

My wife and I have chosen a very open model for our relationship. FOR US, that openess keeps things in our primary relationship quite exciting. We would not have it any other way. So I am all for looking and wishing and wanting, and within the guidelines of our honest and trusting relationship, having close associates outside the traditional boundaries of marriage. My wife is even fond of pointing out women she knows I will like.

From Dale
Hey, I got married, I didn't get my eyes gouged out.  

I've been married to her for 21 years now, and she's still a hot and sexy Asian babe, petite of body and always dressed to kill. Unlike many, many men, I do NOT have any fantasies about her having sex with other guys, that does nothing for me at all. On the other hand, I DO enjoy it when other guys notice her, even when they try to make eye contact or something like that. She gets noticed all the time, and even though it makes her self-conscious, I think the lack of recognition would kill her. 

I know she's as faithful as the day is long, so I don't have to worry about who she's going with at night—it's me. When I'm with her out in public, I see them, trying to get her attention, trying to see if she'll stray, and I love the cat-and-mouse of it. When I'm not with her, men make comments, ask for her name and/or number, some even proposition her. She wears her wedding ring proudly, but I'm a man, too, so I know that by itself, a ring doesn't plug any holes. They see her ring and go right on with their games anyway.

As for me, my eyes wander like they're not even glued inside my head. I can barely pass up an opportunity to look at a cute, sexy, beautiful or slutty woman. I don't do it AS MUCH when my wife is with me, but I'd be lying if I said I haven't been caught in 21 years. She knows I look, and she doesn't like it, but she also knows that she's the only one I'm going home to every single night.

One last note for those women who say, "I don't dress to impress men, I dress for myself," yeah, right! Please! A large percentage of women dress seductively for that exact reason to flaunt in front of men something they can't have. It's called teasing, and I'm sure it went on even in the cave-man days. C'mon, when your looks fade and your body starts sagging, when the day comes that men stop looking at you, when they no longer do double- takes, you'll crave the days when you were hotter. So keep it up, keep spouting that feminist clap-trap, the day will come when you'll wish some man would notice you.

There are other women who knowingly and admittedly dress (or under-dress) in ways to attract men's attention, and they're honest about what they're doing. I should know; I'm married to one.

From Anonymous
In reply to Walsh [see Walsh's entry below] to be honest, I think your husband probably does look at and fantasize about other people, so please don’t feel guilty that you do the same. He probably tells you otherwise because he loves you, is scared of hurting you, and thinks it’s what you really want to hear. And maybe also because he feels bad about it and wishes he could stop.

When I’m out with my partner and I see someone outrageously hot chick, I’ll either look away or glance again but very discreetly. Then my partner will often notice the same girl and comment appreciatively on her hair or legs or whatever and I’ll say, ‘Oh yeah, you’re right’, like I hadn’t noticed before. And then she’ll laugh because she thinks I must be pretending, even though she can’t know for sure because she didn’t actually catch me staring. It’s just a game, although I think I’d be breaking the rules if I was to be the first to comment on how good a girl looked, or express too much enthusiasm. If you want your husband to open up a bit, just start commenting on girls the same way and asking if he agrees. After a while, he’ll get the message.

The funny thing is, I’ve actually gotten more appreciative of other women since getting it together with my partner. When guys comment on women, it’s just ‘Look at those tits!’ etc. But she’s taught me to notice all sorts of things, like eyelashes for a start. We talk about good- looking guys too, but if your husband is as insecure about his attractiveness as you say he is, I don’t think you should take that risk for a long time. Being open about finding other people attractive can only be erotic if you’re both sure that neither one of you is going to be unfaithful.

From Anthony
Let's get real folks. Just because two people get married doesn't all of a sudden give them "tunnel vision". Looking is fine as long as you don't do it in a such a manner as to disrespect your spouse. The operative issue here is not cheating, it's "self restraint".

From Gigi
I'm flirting more and more. It's not because I'm noticing attractive men so much as I want men to notice me. I want to attract attention, I want to feel attractive. That is what I want, what I miss in marriage. I'm enough of a Girl Scout that a little attention goes a long way, but I know where this is heading. One day, I might build up enough confidence to take another step further.

From Jim
You can't be serious, Angela. [see entry below] A woman your age surely is fully aware of first impression. Dress like you're looking for a fuck, and then complain that you want men to genuinely fine out about you? That ain't gonna happen, babe, and you know it.

Dress classy, smart, and sensual (a skirt short enough to reveal too much is not sensual, it's a loud 'fuck me' call), and you'll have men very interested in what this charming sexy woman is all about.

From Angela
Having just discovered your site, I think this subject is one of the more interesting. We got married in 1985 and this year my husband is 58 and I'm 55. Both of us are slim and reasonably good looking, have a full sex life and although we've discussed swinging, recognizing that we'd both enjoy expanding our sexual horizons and experiences, we've put it on the back burner (for now). 

However, and with hubby's support, I'm a lady who likes to dress to make the most of what I've got - good figure, legs and ankles and a mature but attractive face. Seamed stockings and high heels at a party appear to say to many men that I'm ready to fuck and too many of them expect to drop my panties within five minutes of opening up conversation with them. Result is that I rapidly lose interest and respect, looking around for hubby to come and rescue me. 

To balance this, yes I fully realise that seamed stockings, high heel shoes and a skirt that may reveal too much when I sit, all risks sending out a message to certain men that I'm hot to trot. What I'd like is some middle ground where, yes, maybe I am looking, maybe I'm not, but at a party say, I'd appreciate talking to a man who genuinely wants find out about me, is knowledgeable, humorous, courteous, friendly, unthreatening and, yes, good looking, ideally younger than me, so we first create a rewarding relationship in two or three hours before I finally give off that signal that says 'let's fuck'.

From Sheila
I think Alex & Pete have got it about right, they are our age and been married about the same number of years as me and my husband. [see Alex & Pete's entry below] We're very much in love, enjoy a very active life and like our sex. A few years back I was a little indiscreet with another man at a party and my hubby was non too pleased. We argued and after coming down had a good long discussion about our love and sex. We agreed that we should be a little more relaxed about each other's interests in members of the opposite sex. 

This did not result in either of us having raging affairs but did mean that at a party neither of us would get anxious if the other was enjoying the company of somebody else. Nor does it mean that we go to parties or on vacation with the express intention of meeting and sleeping with strangers. More important is that we have a mature attitude to relationships, and swinging with couples we have known for many years, hubby and I continue to enjoy a very satisfying marital bed.

From Rocket Man
As has been stated already, married people are still human beings who are going to gaze. If both are secure in their own identity and in their marriage, then it is no big deal. For example, my wife knows that when I travel a good ways from home that I'm going to stop at a strip club or topless car wash which will include lap dances. She does not care to hear about each experience, but she's ok with me doing it. 

We have been married now for 24 years and have two teenage boys. She's had teenage boys in college ask her to take nude pictures of them and that has not bothered me. She's got to guess that I'm getting lap dances from the youngest girls like 19 and 20 that those places can legally hire.

So yeah, married, gazing and even gazing at strippers is normal and does not damage healthy people with a healthy marriage. The benefit for my wife is that when I come home my hormones are raging for her body.

From Alex & Pete
We have been married since 1975 and now in semi-retirement. We are both slim, kept our looks, enjoy our sex, and for the last five years or so have not shown any anxiety if one of us meets somebody at a party. 

It doesn't mean opportunistic sex or an affair will automatically follow. But it might. We are both married but definitely not gazing but if we became the object of someone else's desires we are not necessarily going to bring the shutters down on an extra-marital 'romp in the sack'. We are both in our sixties and think this is a very adult and healthy attitude to adopt.

From Cee
Last summer at a party my husband took an interest in another woman, I felt humiliated and angry and let hubby know, the two of us arguing and not speaking for a day or two. Then, a month or so ago, at a party a guy, a stranger, took an interest in me and I thoroughly enjoyed it, my ego stroked, the two of us flirting, he made me laugh and made the party very enjoyable. 

It made me understand a little better my husband taking an interest in that woman from last year, she was obviously very flattered at him stroking her ego and had no intention of bringing his attentiveness to an end. 

Back home we earnestly discussed the matter and decided that neither of us would ever be destructively possessive again and are both very relaxed about the people we may meet at work or at a party and we appear to have agreed that extra-marital sex is not entirely off our mutual agendas.

From John
In reference to Janet's husband straying in church it would seem that he is a strong believer of the old adage " If you want to get a girl go to church". Doesn't say much for his religion does it! [see Janet's entry below]

From Curious Couple
My wife and I have discussed this a number of times and we are not sure we have the answer. We are now in our mid fifties, married for almost 30 years, have a very rewarding sex life. We also happen to be slim and not bad looking. Add to that we are also very sociable and engaging and it isn’t rocket science that both of us are going to enjoy our time at a party and there are of course just as many female predators at a party as there are male predators. 

Having one’s ego stroked or flirting at a party all appear to be quite natural human traits but when you meet someone who is exceptional in terms of combining looks, maturity, knowledge and personality it is very difficult not to want to, quite naturally, develop a relationship with that person. In our discussions my wife and I have said that if we ever did meet such a person then if opportunistic sex is offered we should not frustrate the natural course of things and say ‘no’ when we mean ‘yes’. It is not that we do not love each other or are promiscuous, it is that we are two people who want to enjoy life to the full, who also happen to enjoy sex, and are not unattractive and we find members of the opposite sex are taking an interest in us as individuals. 

Perhaps the answer is to ‘swing’ with another couple of our choosing and to see if we exorcise some deep down ‘problem’. We don’t believe we have any ‘problems’ other than a peculiar sensation that perhaps our 30 year relationship would benefit from some uninhibited and successful sex with a few hand-picked strangers. Are we odd or what?

From Abbie
I agree with most of you. I don't think that just because you are in a relationship with someone it instantly means that you can't look at others. It's only natural to look.

But... My partner and I recently had an argument about eye contact. We go out together quite a bit and he admitted that if he sees a woman that he finds attractive that he looks at her until she looks back at him and he makes an effort to make eye contact with her. He justified this by saying that he likes women to know that he finds them attractive and likes to make them feel good about themselves.

I don't agree.

I explained to my partner that if a man made an effort to make eye contact with me and I then saw that he was with another woman, I would find the situation to be quite sleazy. I feel that making eye contact is taking that step too far and can give a woman the wrong impression. It's an encouraging sign and if you are already in a happy relationship then why would you want to encourage others to flirt with you?

It also makes the attraction obvious not only to the person he is looking at, but to anyone else that might happen to be watching. I feel belittled and embarrassed that he has been doing this while I am with him.

I'd appreciate your comments!

From Anonymous
I love my boyfriend very much and he loves me so much that I don't feel one bit jealous when he looks at other, more attractive women, after all, with all the beautiful women he sees everyday, he chose me, and that's good enough for me.

After all, you have to look at other guys in order to appreciate your own.

From Janet
I feel that if a married man is gazing at another woman it is cheating to me in a way. This behavior can lead to other things. When I was pregnant with my first child my husband always stared at other woman. He would lie right to my face about it. We would go to church and he would stare at other women. A lady he was staring at started hitting on him right in front of me. She introduced herself to him, and he forgot I was sitting there. He was just staring at the lady. My husband went as far as to hold the door open for another woman. 

I know people think that was a nice thing to do, but the lady wasn’t even walking behind us. It took her a while to get to the door. He then proceeded to stare at her like he wanted her. It’s been over a year now and he apologized over and over, and it’s still hard to get over the betrayal.

From Ravenwoman
DH [Dear Husband] and I have been together (common-law...we consider ourselves "married" and present ourselves as such and have since we fell in love and moved in together, so, for all intents and purposes...) for 22 years this past May. We are both in our early 40s.

I look, yes, I do. I cannot speak for him, but I assume he does. I find a certain degree of casual "gazing" at bodies and persons we find attractive does spice up our relationship (and not in a "picturing the other person during sex" way, but just as it keeps the sexual appetite primed and exercised, all the more ready to act out with one another when we get the chance.) I encourage him to look at and appreciate other women, because I know I will be the one to reap the benefits! Hey, just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu. As long as he brings his hard-on home to me, I'm cool with it, and he's never complained about me coming to him all wet and horny after getting fired up by someone I watched in a film or saw or flirted with or something I read or wrote. In the end, it is HIM I lust for and "take it out" on.

Gigi (see entry below), we've also been through some really hard times, and I can identify with your situation. You are not just "looking" or "gazing", but LONGING for something your partner is not willing or able to give you. Been there, done that, and it is a very different activity, in my experience. You ARE sending out signals that you are receptive to more than looking, and others pick up on that and respond to it.

Whether you end up acting on your desires and needs or not or working it out with your partner is beyond the scope of this forum, I think. Only you can decide that. Either way, I wish you the best. You deserve better than many years of not being satisfied. Maybe share your feelings with your partner and give him the chance to be the one who can meet your needs. If he won't, then maybe consider acting on your desires. Disclaimer; I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on t.v. Just my personal opinion.

When DH and I were first together, and for many years, I hardly ever so much as glanced at another man. I could appreciate examples of male beauty, but I felt little to no need or desire to look beyond my lover. AHHH, young love!

Over time, I found my eyes and mind drifting more, but not due to any dissatisfaction with him or us, maybe just needing a charge to boost my sexual battery, which I would then use to start me and him up.

And then later, as I wrote above, I began to "look" for more than just passing visual stimulation. Never acted on it, but yeah, it was a different thing than the kind of "gazing" I'd done before. In the back of my mind, I felt the possibility that I MIGHT act upon it sometime, or might actually want to, an aspect absent until then.

To be honest, though we are doing better now, I am still a bit discontented in some ways and I find myself "looking" in that semi-serious way still sometimes. (and then having to fend off the advances from males who've picked up on it.)

I think it has more to do with very subtle body language cues and maybe even scents than with being obvious about it. I could really check out and even flirt with a guy when I was doing it just casually and with no interest whatsoever in following through on it, and wouldn't get a "pass" or overture, even if the guy was obviously attracted and interested. All but the most dense seemed to get the message that I was "taken" and happy about it, that they didn't stand a snowball's chance.

But when I am in that place of not being completely content and feeling restless, I swear I can merely THINK something about a guy and he will be all over me. I am apparently just broadcasting my vulnerability and potential availability! Then I have to make it clear I am not seriously interested or available. (since I am not interested in "cheating" on my lover; if I decide to do that, I will end the relationship or at least be honest about it first, at least I hope I would) Talk about mixed signals! Sorry fellas.

All in all, I think looking is healthy and natural, married or not, available or not. There are, however, different levels of "looking", all of them healthy and natural, but some more complicated and with more ramifications than others.

From Gigi
I've been gazed at and I think I'm turning predator because of it. Is it my age? Is this what happens when a women turns forty, my sexual peak? Or have I just snapped?

Granted, my almost 15 years of marriage has had its share of bliss but mostly sexual frustration. I've tried every approach to get my husband to understand what I want, to touch me, find what pleases, the fun we could have exploring. For 10+ years, I got nowhere. Finally, I had to work out my frustration somehow. I needed a physical release, which was exercise. Soon, I dropped a few pounds, got fit and then, it was as if some sort of hormone was released. It seemed every other man I knew could tell, I wanted seduction, ached for it -- and suddenly, I was finding plenty of opportunity.

That's how I found this site. I couldn't accept my best friend's husband driving over on trumped up excuses, his hands shaking. I had to shut that sort of thing down. Hubby could see all this happening, still he seemed oblivious to what it stirred in me. I may have shut these guys out all around me, but I wanted seduction from somewhere, and he was filling in where needed -- hello internet.

So, I had a 2 week dalliance as a cyber slut. I only got as far as words, only words, but they were out and the release seduced not only readers but also me. Still it is was more betrayal than I ever imagined of myself. Pretty soon, I felt I had to confess. That forthrightness worked out for the best in a way...shocked that I had gone looking, hubby finally got the message. Thankfully, our sex got better, much better. And that was good, almost satisfying... but I think he was just too slow, too late. I have crossed into new territory, and I am not out of the woods yet.

I can't stop looking. Each time a man notices me, I want to explore, more... There's nothing like the off-guard gaze that catches my breath...

The gaze of the moment is a man I take my children to see, once a week. He looks at me so intently. I can see his desire so clearly. I feel as if we are on the verge of a kiss every time I'm there. I realize, the attraction is purely physical. His skin looks so good. His perception, sharp w/ a seductive intuition. I imagine, fantasize, that with his training, he'd know just how to arouse a woman completely. I want this something fresh. Sex that is new and stimulating. He seems the perfect antidote to what I've had so much of, the antithesis of my husband who squeezes his eyes shut in an expression of apparent agony during sex, who seems so oblivious to the art of me and of seduction. This man's gaze, is so penetrating. I'm consumed by a silent, noncommittal, stare... and how I might respond to it, to take it somewhere.

I'm pretty sure it's going nowhere. At times I feel this man is such a tease. I get disgusted at his poor boundaries, I tell myself he's just amused that he can have such an affect on women, that he finds in it some twisted form of flattery. And in my anger and frustration, I want to challenge him by making an irresistibly seductive move on him, making him the pawn and ending all this noncommittal toying. Or really, I want to finally satisfy this incredible longing that won't leave me.

Gazing while married was fun for a while but now I'm... here begging strangers for advice and empathy. I don't know whether to snuff it out or fan it into flame. But I've got to do something. Right now, I leaning towards learning the art of the predator. I think I just might feast on something before my looks and physique are beyond attracting and making the most of the opportunity.

From Suzan
I like what Russell Crowe said a few months after he got married and was at a sporting event and someone noticed him simply looking at a blond.

"I'm married !...I'm not dead !"

I thought that was funny. I don't think there's anything wrong with noticing the scenery.

From Anita
Is it wrong to be married and gaze? Well, it's surely un- natural not to look at something you regard as beautiful or handsome and not admire. I'm married, thirty years to the same guy. I love him, he's kind, considerate, and we're good in bed, but I enjoy looking and being looked at. I'm in my early fifties, have my looks and a good figure. I'm gregarious, I like enjoying myself and I probably do exude sex appeal, so at a party it wouldn't be too long before a good looking man takes an interest in me. I don't flaunt myself although I will dress, like most women, to look attractive.

Regardless of whether I'm at the party with or without my husband, I'd be very careful not to create the impression that I'd want sex with that man there and then. If I apply some subtlety and common sense then the guy will not automatically assume I want to fuck him. Result? Married, gazing and left very frustrated. But I'd rather that than perhaps feel deep, long-term guilt after some 'quick and dirty' opportunistic sex, no matter how enjoyable.

From Anna
I have to agree, Abbie [see entry below], looking and appreciating attractive men and women is one thing, but staring until eye contact is made is bit over the top and I would be horribly embarrassed if this happened not only with others around, but also because the person being admired will think the guy I'm with thinks the admired one is more worthy than I. Not a good feeling, and certainly insulting. 

Your guy should be more concerned about making you feel good about yourself, rather than helping some some chick he's admiring feel good about herself. Apparently he doesn't realize how hurtful that is.

From Helen
My husband and I are in our late fifties and both presentable, gregarious friendly people so it follows at a party or some other similar event we'll both be in conversation with others. Part of that is the constant mental checks we apply to those we meet for the first time - are they engaging, entertaining, witty, erudite, good looking? Yes, I often try to imagine what some men I meet might be like as lovers. I'm sure hubby does likewise when meeting an attractive lady for the first time. 

Depending on the signals I receive from my husband, I may well spend my evening at a party with one man and within a few short hours one can learn a lot about a person and be attracted to them, both physically and well as enjoying the mental stimulus they offer. As enjoyable as it is, clearly some light kissing, fondling, touching can lead elsewhere, and I am always very alert to exercising proper self control, avoiding giving off the wrong body language, bring matters to a halt before it is too late. 

From Lucille
How can it be cheating? A guy can look can't he, touchings something different, but I'll lay a pound to a penny he had a good look at you first before even speaking to you.

How we dress is up to us, as is our behaviour, just like nature with the courting rituals of some birds—for instance.

Best beloved said to me in early days, 'I don't care if you wear a feather up your ass and a smile or a yashmak, it's your body, your life and your choice, all I know is whatever looks you get, whatever you're wearing I'm the one you go home with. And that, babes, sure makes a guy feel good, believe me.' Isn't he an absolute poppet?

I suppose what I'm saying girls is, if you don't feel comfortable in an outfit that's maybe for you a bit over the top, don't wear it, or if you do, be prepared for the looks and comments. Conversely, if you're too insecure about your man and get jealous, one could ask the questions, is he the right man for you, or you need to think about your motives and consequent behaviour.

Me? well I'll continue to dress and behave how the mood takes me, granted it's usually on the slightly outrageous side! but as granny used to say, eggs and omelets dear!

7/10/07

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