Is Phone Sex Cheating?

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From Trish 
Whether or not it would be cheating would depend on the value the man and woman place on the relationship. Over two years ago I had a man I was living with for over three years abandon me for a woman he was having an online affair with. Obviously to me, that was a definite affair that counted. However, there are cybersex and phone sex relationships that mean no more to the men and women than looking at pornography. It would have to depend on the stability of the relationship itself. Mine was on the rocks, he knew that I was fed up with his emotional blackmail and needed to run before I threw him out so he chose an online affair because it allowed him to show a selective personality to the woman. 

Any affair is, as has been said before, symptomatic of a deeper issue within the relationship. Even if the phone/cybersex were to stop, if the couple don't resolve their problems, it is only a matter of time before the one who has strayed already - strays again.

From Jennie
The phone sex thing can be very hurtful. I recently found a phone bill and learned my boyfriend of 3 years has been calling phone sex lines almost daily for many months. I was pretty blown away because we are very close, and usually open about sex (I thought). According to my calculations, he called whenever I was not in the house. I was so hurt when I saw this month's bill -- for almost $250 -- and cried all day, and am still reeling thinking about it.

Our sex life hasn't been so good since we had some relationship problems last year and I've bitched occasionally about not having enough sex -- maybe once every 2 weeks -- but then just chalked it up to monogamy taking its toll. I guess we never regained the sexual ground we lost when the problems started, even though the relationship itself healed and we get along better than ever. He says he started calling the lines about 9 months ago, which is when we were having problems.

All this time he usually complained that he was tired when i wanted to have sex. Apparently he wasn't too tired to jerk off with strange women, daily. When I confronted him this month he acted as though it was no different than looking at porn, which we both do. But it's very different, not least because he concealed it.

The way i see it he's basically written off our own sex life, and left me out of everything. He justified the phone sex by saying it fulfills some aggressive fantasies that I can't (or don't try to) fulfill, but never even tells me his fantasies when i ask. I think he never gave me a chance... I think people should think twice about engaging in phone sex when they're in relationships -- at LEAST discuss it with their partners and set some parameters, so the whole "it's cheating-It's not cheating" debate doesn't come up. It's cheating if someone is lying and someone else feels betrayed.

Phone sex could in theory be fun for everyone. But not when you're the one who's been left out, left in the dark, and left with no sex life of your own. I masturbate all the time, but it's less fun now, more of a substitute for sex than before, and I wind up feeling lonely afterward. An now I think a big trust barrier has been broken, what with this phone bill, and it will take some time to figure all this out. I asked him to stop at least for now, but I don't see the underlying problems going away without lots of work on both sides.

From Sascha
Hell no phone sex isn't cheating. One can learn much more about themselves and perhaps bring out a new "self" in the act. Imagination pulls out our wanton desires and brings them to light, hopefully with someone we love. How beautiful is that?

From Sonya
No doubt, phone sex is cheating. But in my life, it keeps me from cheating in person, which I find is much worse. If not for the two or three very good friends that I engage in phone sex with, as well as just good conversation, I would have had an affair long ago. I am not taking anything away from my husband, for what I desire he simply cannot give. 

These men are very good friends to me and we can talk about anything. We know we will never meet in person and we accept that. As a matter of fact, they often give me good advice on my marriage, and some of the fantasies we play out go directly to my bedroom with my husband. So is it cheating? To a degree. But I find it the lesser of two evils.

From Ghost Rider
Whether phone sex is cheating or not is between you and God. It can make you commit adultery in your heart. It can also lead to physically committing adultery. I wont sit behind my key-board and judge anyone. Before you indulge, give it some serious thought and also as to how it will affect your marriage just incase your spouse finds out about it.

From Mary Allen
I've been married for 8 years and really feel out of touch with my marriage. I tried and tried to express to him my sexual desires and he either half asses it or we wind up arguing. And the end result is that I feel like we're not getting anywhere. So I gave up trying to resolve those problems, because I'm tired of arguing. I have a very high sex drive and my husband can't accommodate that. So I tried this chat line and just plain out said on the chat line "Is there any man out there who is horny as I am?" And I did get a response. 

This guy is 2 yrs older than I. We chatted a little bit and I gave him my phone number and tried phone sex. And I never tried it before and really liked it. My own husband couldn't turn me on like this guy did. This guy called long distance - from Colorado. I was so excited and so wet down there. That was something that my husband forgot to know how to do. 

So do I think phone sex is cheating? Hell no it's not. I would say that it would be if one doesn't try to talk things out with their spouse and if it winds up to be an argument why stress yourself out? Go out there and get your needs met especially long distance. Yes I do masturbate, but after a while it gets old and boring. And I will continue to get my needs met via phone or even try cyber sex.

From Detroit_girl
Phone sex is cheating. I just found out that my boyfriend of 2 years has been calling a girl he met in a chat room. I saw his phone bills and they have talked few times all night long like 7 hrs, I was crying and confronted him. He immediately changed his phone number and said he doesn't care about those girls and won't happen again. 

It's been about 2 months since and he really doesn't call anymore but I am still thinking about this and our sex life is not as great now at least for me, because I think about him talking to that girl.

He loves talking dirty and we tried phone sex before but I really can't do it. I don't know why. Now I don't know if I should leave him or just forgive him?

From Anonymous
This question really hit home for me. I began having phone sex with a man five months ago that I met on the internet. I was shocked by how good at it we were. I had tried it before, but it had never been "like that". After only a few weeks of doing this every night, we began to get into deep discussions when it was over...our conversations went from an hour of phone sex to six hours of learning all about each other.

Now we are very attached, and my marriage is ending because of it. However, I really care for this man and we have committed to each other. So...is phone sex cheating? It didn't start out that way. But now I want out of a decade of a good marriage for this other man, and it all started with the phone. So...yes. In that way, it was cheating, no matter how I try to justify it. The flip side: my new man makes me deliriously happy. And the real sex is just as good as the phone sex, lucky me. What began as a diversion ended up as a relationship. I read something in a romance novel once, about how "unadulterated innocence" could turn so quickly to "innocent adultery". Maybe that describes phone sex?

From thelegend
Phone Sex is not really cheating. Actually, it's a great way for couples or individuals to open up more freely about their sex life. Confrontations during sex, is not so awkward once each of the partners have discussed about their problems on phone sex hotlines. Actually, recent evidence shows that most who call these hotlines are men and most who call is not really about sex, it is mostly about expressing their thoughts and feelings concerning their problems and/or relationships.

I really feel that if anyone needs some kind of closure or advise about their ongoing relationships or even if they are beginning new ones, they should call this hotline. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I support this idea of Phone Sex (or advising hotline!) Hotline.

From Jim
The bottom line is integrity. In a relationship trust is essential; so flirting, phone/cyber sex become a problem when we interact differently with a person than we would if our partner were present. If my partner is secure enough in herself and our relationship she may be ok with pornography, flirtation, phone and or cybersex. She may even be ok with an open relationship. Or she may not be ok with any of it. My obligation is to accept her boundaries as I would want her to accept mine. "Cheating" occurs when we cross the line we accepted.

From Ginger21
This is a very fine line that should be clearly defined between two people in an intimate and long term relationship. I have had both phone sex and cyber sex with men and I don't see anything wrong with it. My husband and I have also had phone sex. He knows I do it so does that make it ok? I would not mind if he did it because I have seen online that he has done it with other women however I know that I am the only one that he gets physical with. However there have been men in that past that I have had phone sex with and they have hidden it from their spouses so I do consider that to be wrong. In a relationship you should be able to be open and honest with the other person or there should be no point in going on because that means that you cannot let that person know the real you. If you are doing anything that your spouse, partner or significant other disapproves of then it should be stopped. If you both have a complete understanding of what is going on keep it up.

From nina
many of us fantasize about a sexual encounter with a stranger. the abandonment and purely hedonistic pleasure we may feel with anonymity is exciting. of course dangers prevail with human to human contact and i feel that phone titillation may fulfill many desires without the ensuing problems. identity can be shrouded and different personas enacted leading to satisfaction yet safety. as to being a form of cheating that would depend upon the nature of one's relationship. many couples allow themselves certain freedom and for those who do not then if one party participates in phone sex the other may feel inadequate and disappointed (providing they find out). personally i think phone sex is harmless, adding a little spice to perhaps a lagging relationship. as with any form of sexual exploration it should not take over and dominate in an overbearing way. i would be delighted to catch my partner, and i must add to all the world that he is the most wonderful man to have ever entered my life, getting off on the phone with a bursting erection in hand. i am realistic enough to realize that i am not the only woman in the world to arouse him. the fact that he has not engaged physically in sex with someone still shows he adores my presence over anyone else.

From flip
Like cyber sex, phone sex is cheating because it distorts love between committed partners. Very close nonsexual friendships or encounters with the opposite sex can also result in emotional adultery. Cheating is not confined to only motel rooms. It's any place the mind or emotions follow something or someone contrary to the committed relationship.

From Caitlin
For my marriage, it was part of a larger problem which also included strip clubs, massage parlors, and occasional hand-jobs from prostitutes. To me this constituted cheating, and it did in his mind too. Had he invited me to participate in the cybersex or reading erotic literature or even go to strip clubs with him, I would have happily obliged. The problem is - I WAS NOT INVITED, and it was his way of pushing me away. If he had been a workaholic it would have had the same effect I suppose. I think its a grey area that has to be defined in each relationship. This does not mean you have to sit down with your mate and say: This activity is cheating, this activity isn't.

You know its cheating when it is - and if you question it - it's cheating. CYBERSEX, and its counterparts, caused a rift in my marriage that was there from day one - only I didn't know why, and I blamed myself. For myself, I would consider Cybersex, Phone Sex, and any skin to skin contact cheating if I were in a committed relationship. I do not consider it cheating if a person reads erotica, looks at porn, or even goes to strip clubs, but it may not be conducive to a good marriage anyway - depends on the marriage.

From Tom
Jacqui, your question brings up a lot of different issues, now physical sex we know is being unfaithful, but written, phone and cybersex according to the bible is a sin and considered unfaithful now as for me I do not consider them cheating on your spouse, significant other etc... because you never actually did the dirty deed

From Suze
This seems to be a POV shared by many. I'm disagreeing because of personal experience -- I have and do engage in and enjoy both cybersex and phonesex with a couple of married guys. They take numerous precautions to hide their activity from their wives. This tells me that they, or at least their wives, consider such intimacies with another woman to be cheating. To me, saying cybersex and phonesex aren't real, therefore no cheating is taking place, seems as ridiculous as President Clinton's apparent adherence to the popular "eatin ain't cheatin" theory.

To me the only logical answer to Jacqui's question is: If you wouldn't want YOUR spouse/Significant Other to see or hear what you're doing, it's cheating. (I wish I knew who said that originally or where I heard it ... I may be quoting someone on ERA even. If so, I apologize for not giving credit.) I know there are numerous justifications for seeing the question otherwise. I've heard them all: it keeps me from going out and doing something REAL with a prostitute or another woman ... I don't want to bust up my relationship/marriage, but I just need more stimulation and sex than I'm getting ... this is like a substitute for going out and getting in trouble and keeps me home with my family, etc. If I were in a relationship with a man and we had agreed that we were going to be faithful to one another, I would consider cybersex and phonesex cheating, just as I would fucking -- and oral sex. If we had MUTUALLY agreed that enjoying sexual stimulation with others was part of our relationship, I wouldn't. Cheating is not about "the dirty deed" (which I assume is a euphemism for fucking). It is about betrayal.

Cheating happens in the context of a personal relationship when two people have a mutually agreed upon set of values that includes fidelity. Fidelity is not just sexual, it includes emotional and spiritual dimensions as well. In that context, when one partner decides to engage in sex with another person, it's cheating. Period. All that said, I also acknowledge that I indulge in these sexual pleasures with married men because ... well, I love the sexual pleasure, as they do. But none of us is pretending that what we're doing isn't cheating. In fact, we've acknowledged that the cheating is probably part of the thrill of it ... doing the forbidden is almost always titillating. So I reserve the right to think logically about this question while simultaneously embracing and enjoying hedonistic pleasure with someone who's cheating on his wife. And I'm woman enough to say so.

From Anonymous
Dear Susan, Jacqui and whoever else is following this thread; I find myself in a very precarious position where this topic is coming from. I don't know if I'm coming or going. I have been married for 10 yrs, my sex drive has always been higher and as the years progressed, his has decreased steadily. I have brought up this topic for discussion repeatedly for the past 3 years and at first it was "we will try harder". The last couple of times it has been, "as I get older, the less interest I have in sex" which to me signifies that he doesn't want to have sex with me! And giving up on sex at the age of 40! I'm 34 and have no intention of giving up my sex life at this stage.

I started cyber-sexing in November last year. It was an interesting diversion but gave me no sexual pleasure, just liked teasing the men. I did feel an incredible amount of guilt the first time but lessened with each one. I rationalized that if he was more attentive then I wouldn't be at this stage. This week I had my first phone-sex encounter and Lynne's story was very appropriate for me!!!..LOL The man at the other end of the line made me feel sexy and desirable and there was absolutely no guilt involved this time I think that what this is telling me is that my marriage is heading for some very serious trouble and I should get ready for a stormy ride. I have done a lot of personal growth and healing and am not willing to give up this sexual person who has been awakened. It demands to feed and be fed!

From Tarrick
Each relationship (marriage, partnership, whatever) is unique and has its own contract. (Some folks even renegotiate their contract fairly often, depending on what works for them.) The heart of the relationship is being honest and faithful to the contract that's been agreed to -- keeping your commitment. As Steven Saylor said, in his essay, "A Marriage Manual," in FRIENDS AND LOVERS (edited by John Preston), most things in a relationship, including infidelity, can be negotiated. Deception can't. [paraphrased -- I don't have the book in front of me] In that context, if a couple agrees that phone sex or cybersex -- or (to take it to extremes) even screwing while away on a business trip -- is okay, then indulging in such does not constitute breaking the contract. Dan Savage has had a couple of interesting columns on this topic lately. In this month's OUT magazine, he's talking about "negotiated safety" -- where a couple (in this instance, a gay male couple) set their safe(r) sex rules in such a way that they're comfortable barebacking with each other. He uses his own relationship's rules as an example: with each other, anything goes. But with anyone else, no sucking, no fucking -- IOW, only truly "safe" sex.

The heart of making negotiated safety work is that the couple MUST trust each other to be completely honest. That includes admitting if they break the rules, and the other person agreeing not to break up if the person admits breaking the rules. (They then go back to using condoms until after 2 more negative tests, 6 months apart.) It's a hard road to follow though. Some people prefer the illusion of totally exclusivity, even if the other person is "cheating" (by whatever definition). For myownself, I prefer honesty rather than deception. But, IMO, if the people involved keep *their own* contract, whatever it is, then they're being faithful.

From slo kiss
OK, so I've been sucked into this one again...here goes! I've read several of the comments offered by members this afternoon and have another piece of the puzzle to consider. Several have positioned betrayal. In the classic sense, that is what I would call it too. I do think that to play that coin one must examine both sides of it. Unfortunately, there could be more than two sides of the coin since betrayal can easily be the judgment of one who was not even involved n the "event". worse yet, the act of judging was from the advantageous point of view called their own. And as we all know, one's own point of view is usually the best. So, this is what I think about that....and yes, it is my point of view. Do not judge it, nor judge me. I ask only that you consider the implications from multiple points-of-view, since without that, there would be no such thing called perspective for anyone to consider. OK...enough bull shit positioning...posturing...or bluster. Choose what you will..

I offer this as a question: Could betrayal be the act of not having sex with a S.O. when used to manipulate, punish, or coerce them into something? Take a marriage that is still functioning on paper, staying to together for God-knows-why, and one of the partners uses sex (or the lack of it) as a weapon. In an earlier thread I called that "Breach of Promise", or breaking the contract of marriage. To me, sex is something that is a God-given give to each of us. If a marriage is based on fidelity, then cybering and fucking with someone else are only different because of the way they are spelled. If a marriage or a relationship is not fortunate enough to have the environment that supports those values, then maybe the betrayal has taken place well before any cyber or extracurricular activities ever take place. As I positioned in my earlier thread, betrayal is a judgment that can only be made by those involved. I cannot judge Bill Clinton even though that was the rage not too long ago. I'm not in the bedroom with him and Hillary. He may be a prick, she may be a bitch, and the result was....well, we all know what the media has fed us. Someone else will have to judge Bill, it won't be me.

I think it was Susan, or maybe Jacqui (my apologies if I'm misstating either of you) who talked about being woman enough to admit that there may be a reason to stray. I really don't think it is a matter of straying or betrayal because it's not for any of us not directly involved to decide...or judge. If you have to hide it, you should not be doing in an environment where you must be covert. If I were to decide to participate in this kind of activity, it would be because it was something I wanted for myself. I would not be doing it to retaliate. If I did, then it would be something I'm doing because of my S.O. That's betrayal. But if the betrayal or the breach of promise has already taken place and my actions are as a result of the "new environment" from which to make a choice, then who can stand before me and call it a betrayal. Does this make me a slut? Hell no. I am not trolling the Net for hungry women. I need a relationship of friendship at the root of my decision. I was given the gift of sexuality by my Maker. When it was given to me, it was unconditional. I am not endorsing promiscuity. I am endorsing everyone minding their own fucking business and let those who need to decide if the label of betrayal is appropriate be the ones involved with the event. None of us have the right to judge the motivations of what another does or does not do with respect to the relationships they have wit there S.O. And to that end, I'll shut up and crawl back out of the way.

From Steven
What is left out of the discussion is that Cyber/Phone sex may be a way for people to learn about themselves in ways they cannot with their mate. Fidelity is a matter of the heart not a legal distinction in the ultimate. What we learn from others can be a source of renewal and growth not betrayal. To chose someone is one thing...to be their possession is another.

From Shar
I think phone/cyber sex is just another stimulus for masturbation. I don't consider it cheating. These are just tools to explore our sexuality, which in turn could enhance a couples sex life. But, if an individual is unsure then their partner can only answer if it is cheating or not.

From Ann
I have just found out my fiancé has been calling phone lines and listening to recorded messages -10 times according to his bills. I don't know what to think, I'm hurt and confused -  I mean I think its better that it was recorded then live? It's still cheating though. He said he stopped two months ago and his bills prove that but I would much rather he was more into magazines or videos.

From DJ
My lover and I are both married to other people. Yes, we are both cheaters. Our relationship started nearly 20 years ago with a couple of rendezvous. She is the hottest lover I have ever known or heard of, but guilt caused me to end that relationship. We had lost track of each other and I thought that was probably for the better.

Then out of the clear blue about 8 weeks ago she called me and within minutes, literally within minutes, I was tangled in her web. For me, it never was that I wasn't interested. I was just married to someone else. But I always knew that I had a weakness that she could exploit if she ever tried.

Because an inconvenient distance separates us, and because we are both still married to other people, we are not able to see each other very often (in fact we have only met 3 times and those meetings are the absolute hottest events in sexual history). However, at least once a week we get together over the phone and have great sex separately together. Now I'm not going to say its even close to the real thing, its not. We were both rather embarressed about it at first. The issue for us though is that it is what we can do with and for each other in light of our situation. And the awkwardness of the situation is tempered by our need to express our love for each other.

From Rikotica
I think as a man that it is not however, it is if it is taking away the intimacy of your life partner! I was addicted to "Phone Sex" in the phone agencies where there are many people on at the same time, Usually 30% more men than women and that is controlled by a staff of people that monitor all the callers. Men pay, women do not! You can listen to a number of categories as to what the women may be looking for and in turn the women do the same. 

So if your cruising along and you hear this amazing feminine voice and you leave her a message such as, "I couldn't help but notice your amazing sexy voice, what is it you are looking for here on the line?" When she gets the message she may decide to just ignore you and delete your message and in turn may block you from sending her anymore calls, She may send a reply like thanks but no thanks! Each caller has the option to leave a profile which includes the area they may reside, and usually what it is they seek. Like a Meaningful Relationship, Casual Dating, Just Chat, Sex, and there are sub categories to these as well which narrow down the type of sex for instance, like BDSM, Kink, Phone, Swinging and there are too many to mention. 

On The average it is about 50 to about 80 cents a minute where blocks of time are purchased. 30 minutes to 8 hours! I did this for 10 years+. It caused a divorce, I almost actually met someone, and it cost thousands and thousands of dollars! It wasn't until I found someone that truly made me happy that led to my stopping! It did leave scars. 

My divorce was due to the fact that the intimacy did not exist between us anymore but rather between myself and "The Line" as it is referred to! Get help and save what you can of your relationship or your finances! The creators of these type of phone lines are super wealthy! Most are not even in the U.S.! The biggest is not! Huge profits! Your money! 

Often the disappointment of not finding or getting what you want on "The Line" is common! Often women are planted on the line to woo men and get them hooked by being somewhat suggestive and then when the guy's time runs out he has to purchase more in hopes of meeting this woman or getting "Great Phone". It's a trap! Too costly in too many ways. 

A 23 year marriage was very hard for me to digest losing due to MY choice! My Fiancé' knows about this because I was honest with her and she meant more and I was happy so I did not need the fix for sex!

From Melissa
Phone sex is not cheating. It is just words. If words are cheating, then are thoughts cheating too? If a man looks at a woman and thinks about or visualizes having sex with her, is he cheating then too? What about masturbating to a porno video or magazine, is that cheating? Is going to a strip club cheating if you like what you see? People need to get a grip. To me, cheating is a physical action--not thoughts or words. Sure, if a man touches another woman in a sexual manner, then that to me is crossing the line. I have already warned my boyfriend that strip club lap dances are out once we are married. But just looking or talking to someone is a bit much for me to swallow in terms of cheating. If people are threatened by a phone conversation then they need to take a deeper look at their relationship. Obviously phone sex isn't their biggest problem.

Even if my boyfriend had a female friend that he emotionally liked, so long as he never acted upon those feelings, it is not cheating. The fact that he enjoys talking to someone else other than me does not threaten me. The fact that he is attracted to someone else wouldn't the bother me. I am a bit more secure than that. Now him walking down the street holding her hand is a different story.

If my man called up a phone sex line, I might not like it and wonder why he isn't calling me up instead, but I surely wouldn't think of it in terms of cheating. I was a phone sex operator myself and I wasn't having "sex" with the men I talked to, I assure you. And women who think that your men aren't in the bathroom taking care of themselves with thoughts of other women are extremely naive. Phone sex is no different. It is just a detached voice, no different than a detached photo, or detached thought. I often masturbate to thoughts of past boyfriends, is that cheating too? Or sometimes when my boyfriend and I are having sex I think of someone else. Should I be hauled off to cheaters jail?

I hate to sound cynical but I really don't understand someone being threatened by a conversation to the extent that they would call it cheating. I don't think that if someone is in a relationship they should forever more be banned from talking about sex unless it is with their significant other. And if you do talk about sex with someone else, then you better not enjoy it or worse yet, get excited, because then you are cheating. I have to chuckle at that one.

From Rach
This is my first participation in this forum... But a topic I like to participate in as well as debate on.. 

I love phone sex, with a lover or a stranger. All of my strangers agree to keep it on the phone, as meeting can ruin the fun. And I agree with most of the people here on one aspect or another. If the relationship breeds sneakiness, one should wonder. I prefer the S.O.'s [Significant Others] who understand that a partner for life is hardly possible or pleasurable if there are tight restraints (on the relationship)

I prefer the don't ask don't tell kind. And I prefer a partner who can find new ways to keep it new for us~ without extracurricular physical contact!

From LoveJones
Yes, it is. My so-called husband has been having phone sex with several different girls for over a year now. He said he would stop, but has not. I am miserable because I cannot trust anything he says and we've only been married a few months (I found out the day after the honeymoon ended, how lucky!)

Advice for any ladies dealing with this...if he has a cell phone, you can check the phone bill records. Don't let him know you found out because then he'll still cheat, just not use his cell phone anymore. I confronted mine because he was first cheating online and on the phone, now he doesn't use the internet or cell phone anymore. It's harder to catch calls made from a land line, so if you do find out, don't let him in on how you know (not that he'll tell the truth anyway)...good luck!

From LC
I don't think its wrong...just having sex with someone else is wrong to me.

From BNB
If your getting off and their getting off its cheating. No ifs and or buts. Besides, phone sex can be more thrilling then actually having sex with that person. There's no disappointment about their performance. Phone sex leaves so much up to the imagination.

From Sapphire
If your partner has no idea you're involved in phone sex, it is cheating. It's a lie of omission. I have the kind of partner where openness about our sexual needs allows us to say what we need and go out and get it. If you have to hide it from your partner, its neither right, nor is your partner right for you.

From Anonymous
Yeah, that is a toughie. There seem to be a lot of conflicting opinions on it. I can't say that if I were sitting here and heard my husband talking dirty on the phone, that it would really shake me up. I've done it and it really is an amazing way to share a very private moment. I'm not sure I'd pick up the phone and do it with a complete stranger, so I probably wouldn't be good at being a phone sex operator or anything like that, it's got to be someone I totally connect and feel comfortable with. In short, no, I don't think phone sex is cheating. Enjoy!

From Anonymous
Hmm- this is a toughie. Yes and no - phone sex is kind of cheating. No way would I admit to my dear husband that it has happened. Neither will I ever tell him I have exchanged fantasies via e-mail, and contemplated a meeting (oh do I want that, but I couldn't live with the guilt)

I am finding all kind of new things about my sexuality in this little fantasy sex life I have. It is like a whole new side of myself is coming alive. 

I suppose that is how I justify it. Hubby is going to benefit from it in the end because I am finding out new things about my sexuality and to satisfy myself I will act upon it with him. But I am forever grateful to the person I am fantasizing with. He has shown me a side of myself I never knew existed, a whole new sexual person has come from this experience.

From MissLonely
I just have one question Is it ok for your partner/boyfriend to prefer phone sex rather than the actual sex?

Because my boyfriend told me "I think it's good if we two just have phone sex, not anymore the actual sex" Is that ok? I cried because I thought that he was only using me as his stimulator and don't wanna have sex with me anymore. What does this mean?

From Eve
I came across this after having seen a Today Show interview concerning that very topic! Well, close enough.

Emotional Cheating is when a partner in a relationship gives part of themselves to another that should solely be for their mate. Whether it is being too chummy and diverging personal thoughts that should be shared with your mate, or talking on the phone and having 'mental' sex with another, that line of cheating has been crossed. However, if it is a game that both play together to enrich their bond how can that hurt anything?

It can't be cheating when a woman flirts with men in a bar only to walk out with the winner, her husband, now can it? People love to play games, but one must always consider the price it might cost to play.

From Jake
I'm painfully shy around girls, always have been, and I suspect, unfortunately I always will be. But on the phone I'm a regular sex stud. Go figure. I love talking dirty to girls, and since it makes me feel so much like a manly man, many of my 'dates' are via chat services. Hey, it works for me, I'm a happy guy and it doesn't interfere with my marriage so I don't think it cheating as long as your partner isn't uncomfortable with it.

My wife gets a kick out of doing what I'm asking the girls to do, it's sorta of threeway for us. Something I'd love to do in real life, but I'd never be able to deal with it face to face.

From Alexander
After the delightful fantasies of President Clinton, I'm surprised to find any Americans deluding themselves over this one!

If you have to hide it from your partner, if it takes resources from the couple/family without agreement, if you are reduced to convincing yourself it's okay because it's not real, then you are in cheating territory.

Of course it is cheating, just be honest with yourselves. And, to be clear, I do not write from some pure position - I have cheated and may well do again - but I'm not pretending, not denying it.

From Anonymous
Sex is physical. Love is mental. Phone sex is just another form of masturbation with phone being a stimulator just like anything else. So it cannot be construed as cheating.

From Da Phantom
Is phone sex/ cyber sex cheating? Yes. A relationship is all about giving yourself completely to your significant other mentally, physically, and emotionally. Phone sex/ Cyber sex takes away from the relationship. You start to wonder a little more about that "other" person, and sometimes we let our curiosity get the best of us. But if the phone sex/ cyber sex is openly accepted by your partner than I suppose it could be over looked. 

Keep in mind that cheating is not only a physical act… it takes mental preparation, thought, and desires before the actual physical part is played out.

From Sonya
No doubt, phone sex is cheating. But in my life, it keeps me from cheating in person, which I find is much worse. If not for the two or three very good friends that I engage in phone sex with, as well as just good conversation, I would have had an affair long ago. I am not taking anything away from my husband, for what I desire he simply cannot give. 

These men are very good friends to me and we can talk about anything. We know we will never meet in person and we accept that. As a matter of fact, they often give me good advice on my marriage, and some of the fantasies we play out go directly to my bedroom with my husband. So is it cheating? To a degree. But I find it the lesser of two evils.

From Ghost Rider
Whether phone sex is cheating or not is between you and God. It can make you commit adultery in your heart. It can also lead to physically committing adultery. I wont sit behind my key-board and judge anyone. Before you indulge, give it some serious thought and also as to how it will affect your marriage just incase your spouse finds out about it.

From Mary Allen
I've been married for 8 years and really feel out of touch with my marriage. I tried and tried to express to him my sexual desires and he either half asses it or we wind up arguing. And the end result is that I feel like we're not getting anywhere. So I gave up trying to resolve those problems, because I'm tired of arguing. I have a very high sex drive and my husband can't accommodate that. So I tried this chat line and just plain out said on the chat line "Is there any man out there who is horny as I am?" And I did get a response. 

This guy is 2 yrs older than I. We chatted a little bit and I gave him my phone number and tried phone sex. And I never tried it before and really liked it. My own husband couldn't turn me on like this guy did. This guy called long distance - from Colorado. I was so excited and so wet down there. That was something that my husband forgot to know how to do. 

So do I think phone sex is cheating? Hell no it's not. I would say that it would be if one doesn't try to talk things out with their spouse and if it winds up to be an argument why stress yourself out? Go out there and get your needs met especially long distance. Yes I do masturbate, but after a while it gets old and boring. And I will continue to get my needs met via phone or even try cyber sex.

From Detroit_girl
Phone sex is cheating. I just found out that my boyfriend of 2 years has been calling a girl he met in a chat room. I saw his phone bills and they have talked few times all night long like 7 hrs, I was crying and confronted him. He immediately changed his phone number and said he doesn't care about those girls and won't happen again. 

It's been about 2 months since and he really doesn't call anymore but I am still thinking about this and our sex life is not as great now at least for me, because I think about him talking to that girl.

He loves talking dirty and we tried phone sex before but I really can't do it. I don't know why. Now I don't know if I should leave him or just forgive him?

From I.Katharina Von
I don't think it's cheating. It enriches my sex life. it adds spice and makes room for imagination. if a guy looks at porn is that cheating?

Words and sounds can have a great erotic impact on me, even music can do that. I refuse to look at it as being unfaithful, this is the way I enjoy sex in a new realm, like reading a book, looking at pictures, etc. we are now in this ever expanding world of more stuff to absorb. Phone sex, cyber sex, changing the status quo of marriage is all part of our evolution. I can either be part of it or not. I choose to take part in it and feel myself growing. I remain in my marriage of 20 years nevertheless. Traditions do still have values in my life, too.

From RJ
After going through an experience I think I can comment on this subject. I discovered my wife's secret of having text sex with a co-worker when I located hidden cell phone bills. I confronted both of them separately and both denied that anything was going on, however through my further investigation one of them broke down and admitted to the fact that it was indeed text (phone) sex.

As for how I feel, is it cheating or not cheating? Well I found this out 5 month's ago and it still hurts. I felt at the time is was and still do think it is cheating. Sharing sexual thoughts and feelings outside of your relationship with another after making an agreement in front of your friends, family and god that you as a team in a partnership would not commit such activity and then do it? CHEATING.

If you participate in such activity without your spouse or partner knowing this, think about what is going to happen WHEN you get found out, and you will. If you plan on staying in your relationship, think about what life is going to be like without trust because it no longer will exist. Think about how crappy your conversations are going to be. Think about how now you have what used to be a friend going through all of your personal stuff to try and piece things together and find out how deep this really was. Think about being labeled as a liar.

From <3 Tabby <3
I think it is... No-one has phone sex with another person, unless there sex life isn't on fire... in my opinion, people only do it because there are not hearing what they want to hear... So they are going to someone else. But if you and your boyfriend/girlfriend or wife/hubby are totally open and into that, than it's not considered cheating.... 

But it is offending to those who try to keep there relationship alive, but can't because he/she has her mind around others... she/he would rather get off on another persons voice... But if one had to happen... Id say that phone sex is better than having to catch him/her in the act of havin' real sex, or find out about it later...

From Vi
I don't think phone sex with another person should be considered cheating on your partner unless it is taking u away from having sex with your partner, then it could definitely be defined as cheating.

From Anonymous
Please give me your advice...I have been married six years and have three kids. For the past three years I have had text-sex with an ex-boyfriend of mine. We never meet and we never speak, just text. My husband hates phone sex and won't do text-sex and I feel he doesn't pay me a great deal of attention during sex, or maybe I'm trying to justify what I'm doing.

Anyway, I find myself fantasizing about this ex and imagining us together, even with his girlfriend (yes he has a girlfriend!). I don't fancy this guy and I certainly wouldn't want to go to bed with him in reality but he's so damn good in writing. I know my husband would be upset if he found out but am I really harming anyone...? Please advise.

From Anonymous
I have had phone sex with a woman and I don't think it is cheating. I am a woman myself, it was the best thing I ever experience.

From M73
It is! And for Steven or Susan or anyone else that doesn't feel this way—have a relationship where you are kept in the dark about what your mate craves (it is more than you!) and then respond again. It is about the boundaries laid out with your partner concerning your relationship. It IS between those two alone. But if something comes up that one is hiding from the other, that is not beneficial to the committed party.

No, no one is a possession, but since you have chosen to be in the relationship, then find out more about what the two of you together can do to spice things up. If Cyber and Phone are what gets your goat, then let your partner know. If you feel it is none of their business and you are doing no harm, then think again. You decided to be with this person, but if you are not getting what you want, you don't have to be there.

Sure, if you are married, it is not so easy, but if it is just your S.O.—what are you doing?!!! You don't have to be uncomfortable with your desires and you don't have to hurt your partner. Think about being solo. What makes you so special that you should be able to have your cake AND eat it too? More individuals thinking like this do nothing but build a foundation for a crumble. Be who you are and if you are single and know these are some of your habits, tell your mate before you take the time to get to know one another. Save yourselves the agony of being a spouse who never knew that the computer and the phone were way more exciting than you!

As for you married folks, if you never talked about it being a part of your marriage, unfortunately it is cheating because someone other than you is fulfilling the partner's "needs" that you signed up for. In any relationship it is cheating.

From Michael
I think phone sex is definitely cheating -- if you try to keep it a secret from your spouse. So why keep it a secret? Like many couples, my wife and I have fantasized through the years about adding a third person to our sex life just for the sake of experimentation. But after talking about it, we agree we don't risk what we have with an actual physical encounter outside marriage.

We have, however, had some very erotic experiences with phone sex. It adds a lot of spice for her to be talking dirty with a total stranger while we're having sex. I even feel comfortable enough to let her do it when I'm not here. It may seem strange to some people, but we believe it's the only safe way to bring an outsider into your sex life.

From shadow_dreamer
Like cyber-sex I feel phone sex is also cheating. You are not only venturing into another avenue but you are straying from your relationship. One should stop, think and take a good look at their relationship and answer the question "Why am I doing this?" Even if you're thinking it's just for fun or self gratification then try to imagine, see how it would feel because it hurts your partner. It not only deteriorates a relationship it can also create a few emotional problems for yourself and your other half.

We are emotional beings and when we get hurt we may forgive but it is rare to forget thus creating bad memories. How would you feel if your other half participated in phone and cyber-sex?

From Jane
Well..I have done both phone sex and email sex while I was married and MY personal opinion is that phone sex IS cheating while email is more of erotica short stories. I say this because both myself and the gentlemen (more than 1) I was involved with would exchange pictures, call each other when neither of our spouses were around and we'd both have orgasms. In my case these "relationships" would last from a few weeks to several months and be very intense.

Something to think about; IS there something lacking in your personal relationship that you seek/need these other people? Just for the record, I'm now divorced.

From Bria
I've read the comments from some on the site and feel like another perspective has to be given. I currently have phone sex and cybersex with a man I have been talking to online with for about three months. He initiated the relationship on all fronts and it has evolved from cybersex to phone sex. He is in a relationship currently but has a lot of down time and goes online for cybersex just about everyday. I am not the only woman he is having sex with but I am the only woman he has come clean with and told he's attached.

I would have never dreamed I would ever have cyber/phone sex but it makes me feel sexy and so inhibited that I look forward to it. He has a high sex drive and so do I so we click. However, just now the we are starting to talk more on the phone and I don't know where it may lead. Right now, I am enjoying myself and take it day by day.

From zoro
If you are keeping "phone" sex a secret from your spouse than of course it's cheating...in general if one must lie about their actions, something is wrong...I think the simplest way to figure it all out is to ask ourselves how we would like it if the situation were reversed..

From S.B.
I can't really form an opinion on whether phone sex is cheating or not, but after reading some of the horror stories here I felt I had to suggest something. I understand the excitement that comes with phone sex, and am fortunate enough to be spending my life with someone who really understands me on a sexual level.

I had a night job babysitting when my partner and I first got together, and loneliness and an empty bed were almost overwhelming those nights I worked. To compensate for this, after the kids were taken care of and put to bed, my guy would give me some calming time on phone.

Conversation with him is always wonderful, and as he knows I like it, frequently led to sex. It was a time for us to open our minds and push to the limits to turn each other on 45 miles apart, and I always fell asleep with a smile.

May I suggest that those craving the excitement of phone sex experiment with their own partners? Try a cell phone and just go in different rooms. And don't say that you are wanting to do it with a person you don't really know, because this will open all kinds of doors, and I promise that you will learn something about one another. It's just a thought, something to liven up some dull time, and something new to try.

From Anonymous
This question really hit home for me. I began having phone sex with a man five months ago that I met on the internet. I was shocked by how good at it we were. I had tried it before, but it had never been "like that". After only a few weeks of doing this every night, we began to get into deep discussions when it was over...our conversations went from an hour of phone sex to six hours of learning all about each other.

Now we are very attached, and my marriage is ending because of it. However, I really care for this man and we have committed to each other. So...is phone sex cheating? It didn't start out that way. But now I want out of a decade of a good marriage for this other man, and it all started with the phone. So...yes. In that way, it was cheating, no matter how I try to justify it. The flip side: my new man makes me deliriously happy. And the real sex is just as good as the phone sex, lucky me. What began as a diversion ended up as a relationship. I read something in a romance novel once, about how "unadulterated innocence" could turn so quickly to "innocent adultery". Maybe that describes phone sex?

From thelegend
Phone Sex is not really cheating. Actually, it's a great way for couples or individuals to open up more freely about their sex life. Confrontations during sex, is not so awkward once each of the partners have discussed about their problems on phone sex hotlines. Actually, recent evidence shows that most who call these hotlines are men and most who call is not really about sex, it is mostly about expressing their thoughts and feelings concerning their problems and/or relationships.

I really feel that if anyone needs some kind of closure or advise about their ongoing relationships or even if they are beginning new ones, they should call this hotline. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I support this idea of Phone Sex (or advising hotline!) Hotline.

Any affair is, as has been said before, symptomatic of a deeper issue within the relationship. Even if the phone/cybersex were to stop, if the couple don't resolve their problems, it is only a matter of time before the one who has strayed already - strays again.

From Jennie
The phone sex thing can be very hurtful. I recently found a phone bill and learned my boyfriend of 3 years has been calling phone sex lines almost daily for many months. I was pretty blown away because we are very close, and usually open about sex (I thought). According to my calculations, he called whenever I was not in the house. I was so hurt when I saw this month's bill -- for almost $250 -- and cried all day, and am still reeling thinking about it.

Our sex life hasn't been so good since we had some relationship problems last year and I've bitched occasionally about not having enough sex -- maybe once every 2 weeks -- but then just chalked it up to monogamy taking its toll. I guess we never regained the sexual ground we lost when the problems started, even though the relationship itself healed and we get along better than ever. He says he started calling the lines about 9 months ago, which is when we were having problems.

All this time he usually complained that he was tired when i wanted to have sex. Apparently he wasn't too tired to jerk off with strange women, daily. When I confronted him this month he acted as though it was no different than looking at porn, which we both do. But it's very different, not least because he concealed it.

The way i see it he's basically written off our own sex life, and left me out of everything. He justified the phone sex by saying it fulfills some aggressive fantasies that I can't (or don't try to) fulfill, but never even tells me his fantasies when i ask. I think he never gave me a chance... I think people should think twice about engaging in phone sex when they're in relationships -- at LEAST discuss it with their partners and set some parameters, so the whole "it's cheating-It's not cheating" debate doesn't come up. It's cheating if someone is lying and someone else feels betrayed.

Phone sex could in theory be fun for everyone. But not when you're the one who's been left out, left in the dark, and left with no sex life of your own. I masturbate all the time, but it's less fun now, more of a substitute for sex than before, and I wind up feeling lonely afterward. An now I think a big trust barrier has been broken, what with this phone bill, and it will take some time to figure all this out. I asked him to stop at least for now, but I don't see the underlying problems going away without lots of work on both sides.

From Sascha
Hell no phone sex isn't cheating. One can learn much more about themselves and perhaps bring out a new "self" in the act. Imagination pulls out our wanton desires and brings them to light, hopefully with someone we love. How beautiful is that?

From Jim
The bottom line is integrity. In a relationship trust is essential; so flirting, phone/cyber sex become a problem when we interact differently with a person than we would if our partner were present. If my partner is secure enough in herself and our relationship she may be ok with pornography, flirtation, phone and or cybersex. She may even be ok with an open relationship. Or she may not be ok with any of it. My obligation is to accept her boundaries as I would want her to accept mine. "Cheating" occurs when we cross the line we accepted.

From Ginger21
This is a very fine line that should be clearly defined between two people in an intimate and long term relationship. I have had both phone sex and cyber sex with men and I don't see anything wrong with it. My husband and I have also had phone sex. He knows I do it so does that make it ok? I would not mind if he did it because I have seen online that he has done it with other women however I know that I am the only one that he gets physical with. However there have been men in that past that I have had phone sex with and they have hidden it from their spouses so I do consider that to be wrong. In a relationship you should be able to be open and honest with the other person or there should be no point in going on because that means that you cannot let that person know the real you. If you are doing anything that your spouse, partner or significant other disapproves of then it should be stopped. If you both have a complete understanding of what is going on keep it up.

From nina
many of us fantasize about a sexual encounter with a stranger. the abandonment and purely hedonistic pleasure we may feel with anonymity is exciting. of course dangers prevail with human to human contact and i feel that phone titillation may fulfill many desires without the ensuing problems. identity can be shrouded and different personas enacted leading to satisfaction yet safety. as to being a form of cheating that would depend upon the nature of one's relationship. many couples allow themselves certain freedom and for those who do not then if one party participates in phone sex the other may feel inadequate and disappointed (providing they find out). personally i think phone sex is harmless, adding a little spice to perhaps a lagging relationship. as with any form of sexual exploration it should not take over and dominate in an overbearing way. i would be delighted to catch my partner, and i must add to all the world that he is the most wonderful man to have ever entered my life, getting off on the phone with a bursting erection in hand. i am realistic enough to realize that i am not the only woman in the world to arouse him. the fact that he has not engaged physically in sex with someone still shows he adores my presence over anyone else.

From flip
Like cyber sex, phone sex is cheating because it distorts love between committed partners. Very close nonsexual friendships or encounters with the opposite sex can also result in emotional adultery. Cheating is not confined to only motel rooms. It's any place the mind or emotions follow something or someone contrary to the committed relationship.

From Caitlin
For my marriage, it was part of a larger problem which also included strip clubs, massage parlors, and occasional hand-jobs from prostitutes. To me this constituted cheating, and it did in his mind too. Had he invited me to participate in the cybersex or reading erotic literature or even go to strip clubs with him, I would have happily obliged. The problem is - I WAS NOT INVITED, and it was his way of pushing me away. If he had been a workaholic it would have had the same effect I suppose. I think its a grey area that has to be defined in each relationship. This does not mean you have to sit down with your mate and say: This activity is cheating, this activity isn't.

You know its cheating when it is - and if you question it - it's cheating. CYBERSEX, and its counterparts, caused a rift in my marriage that was there from day one - only I didn't know why, and I blamed myself. For myself, I would consider Cybersex, Phone Sex, and any skin to skin contact cheating if I were in a committed relationship. I do not consider it cheating if a person reads erotica, looks at porn, or even goes to strip clubs, but it may not be conducive to a good marriage anyway - depends on the marriage.

From Tom
Jacqui, your question brings up a lot of different issues, now physical sex we know is being unfaithful, but written, phone and cybersex according to the bible is a sin and considered unfaithful now as for me I do not consider them cheating on your spouse, significant other etc... because you never actually did the dirty deed

From Suze
This seems to be a POV shared by many. I'm disagreeing because of personal experience -- I have and do engage in and enjoy both cybersex and phonesex with a couple of married guys. They take numerous precautions to hide their activity from their wives. This tells me that they, or at least their wives, consider such intimacies with another woman to be cheating. To me, saying cybersex and phonesex aren't real, therefore no cheating is taking place, seems as ridiculous as President Clinton's apparent adherence to the popular "eatin ain't cheatin" theory.

To me the only logical answer to Jacqui's question is: If you wouldn't want YOUR spouse/Significant Other to see or hear what you're doing, it's cheating. (I wish I knew who said that originally or where I heard it ... I may be quoting someone on ERA even. If so, I apologize for not giving credit.) I know there are numerous justifications for seeing the question otherwise. I've heard them all: it keeps me from going out and doing something REAL with a prostitute or another woman ... I don't want to bust up my relationship/marriage, but I just need more stimulation and sex than I'm getting ... this is like a substitute for going out and getting in trouble and keeps me home with my family, etc. If I were in a relationship with a man and we had agreed that we were going to be faithful to one another, I would consider cybersex and phonesex cheating, just as I would fucking -- and oral sex. If we had MUTUALLY agreed that enjoying sexual stimulation with others was part of our relationship, I wouldn't. Cheating is not about "the dirty deed" (which I assume is a euphemism for fucking). It is about betrayal.

Cheating happens in the context of a personal relationship when two people have a mutually agreed upon set of values that includes fidelity. Fidelity is not just sexual, it includes emotional and spiritual dimensions as well. In that context, when one partner decides to engage in sex with another person, it's cheating. Period. All that said, I also acknowledge that I indulge in these sexual pleasures with married men because ... well, I love the sexual pleasure, as they do. But none of us is pretending that what we're doing isn't cheating. In fact, we've acknowledged that the cheating is probably part of the thrill of it ... doing the forbidden is almost always titillating. So I reserve the right to think logically about this question while simultaneously embracing and enjoying hedonistic pleasure with someone who's cheating on his wife. And I'm woman enough to say so.

From Anonymous
Dear Susan, Jacqui and whoever else is following this thread; I find myself in a very precarious position where this topic is coming from. I don't know if I'm coming or going *G*. I have been married for 10 yrs, my sex drive has always been higher and as the years progressed, his has decreased steadily. I have brought up this topic for discussion repeatedly for the past 3 years and at first it was "we will try harder". The last couple of times it has been, "as I get older, the less interest I have in sex" which to me signifies that he doesn't want to have sex with me! And giving up on sex at the age of 40! I'm 34 and have no intention of giving up my sex life at this stage.

I started cyber-sexing in November last year. It was an interesting diversion but gave me no sexual pleasure, just liked teasing the men. I did feel an incredible amount of guilt the first time but lessened with each one. I rationalized that if he was more attentive then I wouldn't be at this stage. This week I had my first phone-sex encounter and Lynne's story was very appropriate for me!!!..LOL The man at the other end of the line made me feel sexy and desirable and there was absolutely no guilt involved this time I think that what this is telling me is that my marriage is heading for some very serious trouble and I should get ready for a stormy ride. I have done a lot of personal growth and healing and am not willing to give up this sexual person who has been awakened. It demands to feed and be fed!!!

From Tarrick
Each relationship (marriage, partnership, whatever) is unique and has its own contract. (Some folks even renegotiate their contract fairly often, depending on what works for them.) The heart of the relationship is being honest and faithful to the contract that's been agreed to -- keeping your commitment. As Steven Saylor said, in his essay, "A Marriage Manual," in FRIENDS AND LOVERS (edited by John Preston), most things in a relationship, including infidelity, can be negotiated. Deception can't. [paraphrased -- I don't have the book in front of me] In that context, if a couple agrees that phone sex or cybersex -- or (to take it to extremes) even screwing while away on a business trip -- is okay, then indulging in such does not constitute breaking the contract. Dan Savage has had a couple of interesting columns on this topic lately. In this month's OUT magazine, he's talking about "negotiated safety" -- where a couple (in this instance, a gay male couple) set their safe(r) sex rules in such a way that they're comfortable barebacking with each other. He uses his own relationship's rules as an example: with each other, anything goes. But with anyone else, no sucking, no fucking -- IOW, only truly "safe" sex.

The heart of making negotiated safety work is that the couple MUST trust each other to be completely honest. That includes admitting if they break the rules, and the other person agreeing not to break up if the person admits breaking the rules. (They then go back to using condoms until after 2 more negative tests, 6 months apart.) It's a hard road to follow though. Some people prefer the illusion of totally exclusivity, even if the other person is "cheating" (by whatever definition). For myownself, I prefer honesty rather than deception. But, IMO, if the people involved keep *their own* contract, whatever it is, then they're being faithful.

From megan murphy
I think it comes down to our individual set of circumstances and our own sense of judgment. To decide to follow our bliss *smile to SW* is not always easy. When I think of commitment, I think of the word dedication. To make your career successful, help your family thrive, make a relationship work -- that all takes dedication. And to have that, there has to be a commitment of some sort. I am in no way saying I am against cyber/phone. *laughing* let's make it cps. I just think that it's hard to make a generalization as to whether it is cheating or not. We all have different circumstances to live with and under. Money, children, jobs, marriage/relationship --all of these have an impact on the decision to participate in cyber/phone sex as opposed to other ways to deal with unpleasantness or an unfulfilling situation. I think that if I were in a relationship, and I couldn't get what I needed from it, then I would question why I'm in that relationship. I would especially question it if I had to hide 'facts' from the other person. It's hard to live a secret life.

Perhaps these are some thoughts to think about concerning this topic... If you are doing something that you know you would not want the other person in your life to do you, then you would have to ponder whether or not you would end up feeling it is cheating. If you are doing something to enhance your relationship because while you love the person you are with, you are not getting what you need, sexually, then perhaps you would not end up feeling like a cheat. As far as whether men feeling differently than women about 'doing the actual deed' and cps, I think that could be a generalization. For me, an act like this, whether it is real life or cps, it doesn't matter. What matters is my state of mind and how I got to the point to contemplate or do this. Living with guilt is not an easy thing to deal with, I guess we all know that. But as a matter of survival, maybe it could be the best of a bad situation. It all comes down to choices and circumstances.

From slo kiss
OK, so I've been sucked into this one again...here goes! I've read several of the comments offered by members this afternoon and have another piece of the puzzle to consider. Several have positioned betrayal. In the classic sense, that is what I would call it too. I do think that to play that coin one must examine both sides of it. Unfortunately, there could be more than two sides of the coin since betrayal can easily be the judgment of one who was not even involved n the "event". worse yet, the act of judging was from the advantageous point of view called their own. And as we all know, one's own point of view is usually the best. So, this is what I think about that....and yes, it is my point of view. Do not judge it, nor judge me. I ask only that you consider the implications from multiple points-of-view, since without that, there would be no such thing called perspective for anyone to consider. OK...enough bull shit positioning...posturing...or bluster. Choose what you will....*g*

I offer this as a question: Could betrayal be the act of not having sex with a S.O. when used to manipulate, punish, or coerce them into something? Take a marriage that is still functioning on paper, staying to together for God-knows-why, and one of the partners uses sex (or the lack of it) as a weapon. In an earlier thread I called that "Breach of Promise", or breaking the contract of marriage. To me, sex is something that is a God-given give to each of us. If a marriage is based on fidelity, then cybering and fucking with someone else are only different because of the way they are spelled. If a marriage or a relationship is not fortunate enough to have the environment that supports those values, then maybe the betrayal has taken place well before any cyber or extracurricular activities ever take place. As I positioned in my earlier thread, betrayal is a judgment that can only be made by those involved. I cannot judge Bill Clinton even though that was the rage not too long ago. I'm not in the bedroom with him and Hillary. He may be a prick, she may be a bitch, and the result was....well, we all know what the media has fed us. Someone else will have to judge Bill, it won't be me.

I think it was Susan, or maybe Jacqui (my apologies if I'm misstating either of you) who talked about being woman enough to admit that there may be a reason to stray. I really don't think it is a matter of straying or betrayal because it's not for any of us not directly involved to decide...or judge. If you have to hide it, you should not be doing in an environment where you must be covert. If I were to decide to participate in this kind of activity, it would be because it was something I wanted for myself. I would not be doing it to retaliate. If I did, then it would be something I'm doing because of my S.O. That's betrayal. But if the betrayal or the breach of promise has already taken place and my actions are as a result of the "new environment" from which to make a choice, then who can stand before me and call it a betrayal. Does this make me a slut? Hell no. I am not trolling the Net for hungry women. I need a relationship of friendship at the root of my decision. I was given the gift of sexuality by my Maker. When it was given to me, it was unconditional. I am not endorsing promiscuity. I am endorsing everyone minding their own fucking business and let those who need to decide if the label of betrayal is appropriate be the ones involved with the event. None of us have the right to judge the motivations of what another does or does not do with respect to the relationships they have wit there S.O. And to that end, I'll shut up and crawl back out of the way.

From Steven
What is left out of the discussion is that Cyber/Phone sex may be a way for people to learn about themselves in ways they cannot with their mate. Fidelity is a matter of the heart not a legal distinction in the ultimate. What we learn from others can be a source of renewal and growth not betrayal. To chose someone is one thing...to be their possession is another.

From Shar
I think phone/cyber sex is just another stimulus for masturbation. I don't consider it cheating. These are just tools to explore our sexuality, which in turn could enhance a couples sex life. But, if an individual is unsure then their partner can only answer if it is cheating or not.

From Ann
I have just found out my fiancé has been calling phone lines and listening to recorded messages -10 times according to his bills. I don't know what to think, I'm hurt and confused -  I mean I think its better that it was recorded then live? It's still cheating though. He said he stopped two months ago and his bills prove that but I would much rather he was more into magazines or videos.

From DJ
My lover and I are both married to other people. Yes, we are both cheaters. Our relationship started nearly 20 years ago with a couple of rendezvous. She is the hottest lover I have ever known or heard of, but guilt caused me to end that relationship. We had lost track of each other and I thought that was probably for the better.

Then out of the clear blue about 8 weeks ago she called me and within minutes, literally within minutes, I was tangled in her web. For me, it never was that I wasn't interested. I was just married to someone else. But I always knew that I had a weakness that she could exploit if she ever tried.

Because an inconvenient distance separates us, and because we are both still married to other people, we are not able to see each other very often (in fact we have only met 3 times and those meetings are the absolute hottest events in sexual history). However, at least once a week we get together over the phone and have great sex separately together. Now I'm not going to say its even close to the real thing, its not. We were both rather embarressed about it at first. The issue for us though is that it is what we can do with and for each other in light of our situation. And the awkwardness of the situation is tempered by our need to express our love for each other.

From Rikotica
I think as a man that it is not however, it is if it is taking away the intimacy of your life partner! I was addicted to "Phone Sex" in the phone agencies where there are many people on at the same time, Usually 30% more men than women and that is controlled by a staff of people that monitor all the callers. Men pay, women do not! You can listen to a number of categories as to what the women may be looking for and in turn the women do the same. 

So if your cruising along and you hear this amazing feminine voice and you leave her a message such as, "I couldn't help but notice your amazing sexy voice, what is it you are looking for here on the line?" When she gets the message she may decide to just ignore you and delete your message and in turn may block you from sending her anymore calls, She may send a reply like thanks but no thanks! Each caller has the option to leave a profile which includes the area they may reside, and usually what it is they seek. Like a Meaningful Relationship, Casual Dating, Just Chat, Sex, and there are sub categories to these as well which narrow down the type of sex for instance, like BDSM, Kink, Phone, Swinging and there are too many to mention. 

On The average it is about 50 to about 80 cents a minute where blocks of time are purchased. 30 minutes to 8 hours! I did this for 10 years+. It caused a divorce, I almost actually met someone, and it cost thousands and thousands of dollars! It wasn't until I found someone that truly made me happy that led to my stopping! It did leave scars. 

My divorce was due to the fact that the intimacy did not exist between us anymore but rather between myself and "The Line" as it is referred to! Get help and save what you can of your relationship or your finances! The creators of these type of phone lines are super wealthy! Most are not even in the U.S.! The biggest is not! Huge profits! Your money! 

Often the disappointment of not finding or getting what you want on "The Line" is common! Often women are planted on the line to woo men and get them hooked by being somewhat suggestive and then when the guy's time runs out he has to purchase more in hopes of meeting this woman or getting "Great Phone". It's a trap! Too costly in too many ways. 

A 23 year marriage was very hard for me to digest losing due to MY choice! My Fiancé' knows about this because I was honest with her and she meant more and I was happy so I did not need the fix for sex!

From Melissa
Phone sex is not cheating. It is just words. If words are cheating, then are thoughts cheating too? If a man looks at a woman and thinks about or visualizes having sex with her, is he cheating then too? What about masturbating to a porno video or magazine, is that cheating? Is going to a strip club cheating if you like what you see? People need to get a grip. To me, cheating is a physical action--not thoughts or words. Sure, if a man touches another woman in a sexual manner, then that to me is crossing the line. I have already warned my boyfriend that strip club lap dances are out once we are married. But just looking or talking to someone is a bit much for me to swallow in terms of cheating. If people are threatened by a phone conversation then they need to take a deeper look at their relationship. Obviously phone sex isn't their biggest problem.

Even if my boyfriend had a female friend that he emotionally liked, so long as he never acted upon those feelings, it is not cheating. The fact that he enjoys talking to someone else other than me does not threaten me. The fact that he is attracted to someone else wouldn't the bother me. I am a bit more secure than that. Now him walking down the street holding her hand is a different story.

If my man called up a phone sex line, I might not like it and wonder why he isn't calling me up instead, but I surely wouldn't think of it in terms of cheating. I was a phone sex operator myself and I wasn't having "sex" with the men I talked to, I assure you. And women who think that your men aren't in the bathroom taking care of themselves with thoughts of other women are extremely naive. Phone sex is no different. It is just a detached voice, no different than a detached photo, or detached thought. I often masturbate to thoughts of past boyfriends, is that cheating too? Or sometimes when my boyfriend and I are having sex I think of someone else. Should I be hauled off to cheaters jail?

I hate to sound cynical but I really don't understand someone being threatened by a conversation to the extent that they would call it cheating. I don't think that if someone is in a relationship they should forever more be banned from talking about sex unless it is with their significant other. And if you do talk about sex with someone else, then you better not enjoy it or worse yet, get excited, because then you are cheating. I have to chuckle at that one.

From Rach
This is my first participation in this forum... But a topic I like to participate in as well as debate on.. 

I love phone sex, with a lover or a stranger. All of my strangers agree to keep it on the phone, as meeting can ruin the fun. And I agree with most of the people here on one aspect or another. If the relationship breeds sneakiness, one should wonder. I prefer the S.O.'s [Significant Others] who understand that a partner for life is hardly possible or pleasurable if there are tight restraints (on the relationship)

I prefer the don't ask don't tell kind. And I prefer a partner who can find new ways to keep it new for us~ without extracurricular physical contact!

From LoveJones
Yes, it is. My so-called husband has been having phone sex with several different girls for over a year now. He said he would stop, but has not. I am miserable because I cannot trust anything he says and we've only been married a few months (I found out the day after the honeymoon ended, how lucky!)

Advice for any ladies dealing with this...if he has a cell phone, you can check the phone bill records. Don't let him know you found out because then he'll still cheat, just not use his cell phone anymore. I confronted mine because he was first cheating online and on the phone, now he doesn't use the internet or cell phone anymore. It's harder to catch calls made from a land line, so if you do find out, don't let him in on how you know (not that he'll tell the truth anyway)...good luck!

From LC
I don't think its wrong...just having sex with someone else is wrong to me.

From BNB
If your getting off and their getting off its cheating. No ifs and or buts. Besides, phone sex can be more thrilling then actually having sex with that person. There's no disappointment about their performance. Phone sex leaves so much up to the imagination.

From Sapphire
If your partner has no idea you're involved in phone sex, it is cheating. It's a lie of omission. I have the kind of partner where openness about our sexual needs allows us to say what we need and go out and get it. If you have to hide it from your partner, its neither right, nor is your partner right for you.

From Anonymous
Yeah, that is a toughie. There seem to be a lot of conflicting opinions on it. I can't say that if I were sitting here and heard my husband talking dirty on the phone, that it would really shake me up. I've done it and it really is an amazing way to share a very private moment. I'm not sure I'd pick up the phone and do it with a complete stranger, so I probably wouldn't be good at being a phone sex operator or anything like that, it's got to be someone I totally connect and feel comfortable with. In short, no, I don't think phone sex is cheating. Enjoy!

From Anonymous
Hmm- this is a toughie. Yes and no - phone sex is kind of cheating. No way would I admit to my dear husband that it has happened. Neither will I ever tell him I have exchanged fantasies via e-mail, and contemplated a meeting (oh do I want that, but I couldn't live with the guilt)

I am finding all kind of new things about my sexuality in this little fantasy sex life I have. It is like a whole new side of myself is coming alive. 

I suppose that is how I justify it. Hubby is going to benefit from it in the end because I am finding out new things about my sexuality and to satisfy myself I will act upon it with him. But I am forever grateful to the person I am fantasizing with. He has shown me a side of myself I never knew existed, a whole new sexual person has come from this experience.

From MissLonely
I just have one question Is it ok for your partner/boyfriend to prefer phone sex rather than the actual sex?

Because my boyfriend told me "I think it's good if we two just have phone sex, not anymore the actual sex" Is that ok? I cried because I thought that he was only using me as his stimulator and don't wanna have sex with me anymore. What does this mean?

From Eve
I came across this after having seen a Today Show interview concerning that very topic! Well, close enough.

Emotional Cheating is when a partner in a relationship gives part of themselves to another that should solely be for their mate. Whether it is being too chummy and diverging personal thoughts that should be shared with your mate, or talking on the phone and having 'mental' sex with another, that line of cheating has been crossed. However, if it is a game that both play together to enrich their bond how can that hurt anything?

It can't be cheating when a woman flirts with men in a bar only to walk out with the winner, her husband, now can it? People love to play games, but one must always consider the price it might cost to play.

From Jake
I'm painfully shy around girls, always have been, and I suspect, unfortunately I always will be. But on the phone I'm a regular sex stud. Go figure. I love talking dirty to girls, and since it makes me feel so much like a manly man, many of my 'dates' are via chat services. Hey, it works for me, I'm a happy guy and it doesn't interfere with my marriage so I don't think it cheating as long as your partner isn't uncomfortable with it.

My wife gets a kick out of doing what I'm asking the girls to do, it's sorta of threeway for us. Something I'd love to do in real life, but I'd never be able to deal with it face to face.

From Alexander
After the delightful fantasies of President Clinton, I'm surprised to find any Americans deluding themselves over this one!

If you have to hide it from your partner, if it takes resources from the couple/family without agreement, if you are reduced to convincing yourself it's okay because it's not real, then you are in cheating territory.

Of course it is cheating, just be honest with yourselves. And, to be clear, I do not write from some pure position - I have cheated and may well do again - but I'm not pretending, not denying it.

From Anonymous
Sex is physical. Love is mental. Phone sex is just another form of masturbation with phone being a stimulator just like anything else. So it cannot be construed as cheating.

From Da Phantom
Is phone sex/ cyber sex cheating? Yes. A relationship is all about giving yourself completely to your significant other mentally, physically, and emotionally. Phone sex/ Cyber sex takes away from the relationship. You start to wonder a little more about that "other" person, and sometimes we let our curiosity get the best of us. But if the phone sex/ cyber sex is openly accepted by your partner than I suppose it could be over looked. 

Keep in mind that cheating is not only a physical act… it takes mental preparation, thought, and desires before the actual physical part is played out.

From Sonya
No doubt, phone sex is cheating. But in my life, it keeps me from cheating in person, which I find is much worse. If not for the two or three very good friends that I engage in phone sex with, as well as just good conversation, I would have had an affair long ago. I am not taking anything away from my husband, for what I desire he simply cannot give. 

These men are very good friends to me and we can talk about anything. We know we will never meet in person and we accept that. As a matter of fact, they often give me good advice on my marriage, and some of the fantasies we play out go directly to my bedroom with my husband. So is it cheating? To a degree. But I find it the lesser of two evils.

From Ghost Rider
Whether phone sex is cheating or not is between you and God. It can make you commit adultery in your heart. It can also lead to physically committing adultery. I wont sit behind my key-board and judge anyone. Before you indulge, give it some serious thought and also as to how it will affect your marriage just incase your spouse finds out about it.

From Mary Allen
I've been married for 8 years and really feel out of touch with my marriage. I tried and tried to express to him my sexual desires and he either half asses it or we wind up arguing. And the end result is that I feel like we're not getting anywhere. So I gave up trying to resolve those problems, because I'm tired of arguing. I have a very high sex drive and my husband can't accommodate that. So I tried this chat line and just plain out said on the chat line "Is there any man out there who is horny as I am?" And I did get a response. 

This guy is 2 yrs older than I. We chatted a little bit and I gave him my phone number and tried phone sex. And I never tried it before and really liked it. My own husband couldn't turn me on like this guy did. This guy called long distance - from Colorado. I was so excited and so wet down there. That was something that my husband forgot to know how to do. 

So do I think phone sex is cheating? Hell no it's not. I would say that it would be if one doesn't try to talk things out with their spouse and if it winds up to be an argument why stress yourself out? Go out there and get your needs met especially long distance. Yes I do masturbate, but after a while it gets old and boring. And I will continue to get my needs met via phone or even try cyber sex.

From Detroit_girl
Phone sex is cheating. I just found out that my boyfriend of 2 years has been calling a girl he met in a chat room. I saw his phone bills and they have talked few times all night long like 7 hrs, I was crying and confronted him. He immediately changed his phone number and said he doesn't care about those girls and won't happen again. 

It's been about 2 months since and he really doesn't call anymore but I am still thinking about this and our sex life is not as great now at least for me, because I think about him talking to that girl.

He loves talking dirty and we tried phone sex before but I really can't do it. I don't know why. Now I don't know if I should leave him or just forgive him?

From I.Katharina Von
I don't think it's cheating. It enriches my sex life. it adds spice and makes room for imagination. if a guy looks at porn is that cheating?

Words and sounds can have a great erotic impact on me, even music can do that. I refuse to look at it as being unfaithful, this is the way I enjoy sex in a new realm, like reading a book, looking at pictures, etc. we are now in this ever expanding world of more stuff to absorb. Phone sex, cyber sex, changing the status quo of marriage is all part of our evolution. I can either be part of it or not. I choose to take part in it and feel myself growing. I remain in my marriage of 20 years nevertheless. Traditions do still have values in my life, too.

From RJ
After going through an experience I think I can comment on this subject. I discovered my wife's secret of having text sex with a co-worker when I located hidden cell phone bills. I confronted both of them separately and both denied that anything was going on, however through my further investigation one of them broke down and admitted to the fact that it was indeed text (phone) sex.

As for how I feel, is it cheating or not cheating? Well I found this out 5 month's ago and it still hurts. I felt at the time is was and still do think it is cheating. Sharing sexual thoughts and feelings outside of your relationship with another after making an agreement in front of your friends, family and god that you as a team in a partnership would not commit such activity and then do it? CHEATING.

If you participate in such activity without your spouse or partner knowing this, think about what is going to happen WHEN you get found out, and you will. If you plan on staying in your relationship, think about what life is going to be like without trust because it no longer will exist. Think about how crappy your conversations are going to be. Think about how now you have what used to be a friend going through all of your personal stuff to try and piece things together and find out how deep this really was. Think about being labeled as a liar.

From <3 Tabby <3
I think it is... No-one has phone sex with another person, unless there sex life isn't on fire... in my opinion, people only do it because there are not hearing what they want to hear... So they are going to someone else. But if you and your boyfriend/girlfriend or wife/hubby are totally open and into that, than it's not considered cheating.... 

But it is offending to those who try to keep there relationship alive, but can't because he/she has her mind around others... she/he would rather get off on another persons voice... But if one had to happen... Id say that phone sex is better than having to catch him/her in the act of havin' real sex, or find out about it later...

From Vi
I don't think phone sex with another person should be considered cheating on your partner unless it is taking u away from having sex with your partner, then it could definitely be defined as cheating.

From Anonymous
Please give me your advice...I have been married six years and have three kids. For the past three years I have had text-sex with an ex-boyfriend of mine. We never meet and we never speak, just text. My husband hates phone sex and won't do text-sex and I feel he doesn't pay me a great deal of attention during sex, or maybe I'm trying to justify what I'm doing.

Anyway, I find myself fantasizing about this ex and imagining us together, even with his girlfriend (yes he has a girlfriend!). I don't fancy this guy and I certainly wouldn't want to go to bed with him in reality but he's so damn good in writing. I know my husband would be upset if he found out but am I really harming anyone...? Please advise.

From Anonymous
I have had phone sex with a woman and I don't think it is cheating. I am a woman myself, it was the best thing I ever experience.

From M73
It is! And for Steven or Susan or anyone else that doesn't feel this way—have a relationship where you are kept in the dark about what your mate craves (it is more than you!) and then respond again. It is about the boundaries laid out with your partner concerning your relationship. It IS between those two alone. But if something comes up that one is hiding from the other, that is not beneficial to the committed party.

No, no one is a possession, but since you have chosen to be in the relationship, then find out more about what the two of you together can do to spice things up. If Cyber and Phone are what gets your goat, then let your partner know. If you feel it is none of their business and you are doing no harm, then think again. You decided to be with this person, but if you are not getting what you want, you don't have to be there.

Sure, if you are married, it is not so easy, but if it is just your S.O.—what are you doing?!!! You don't have to be uncomfortable with your desires and you don't have to hurt your partner. Think about being solo. What makes you so special that you should be able to have your cake AND eat it too? More individuals thinking like this do nothing but build a foundation for a crumble. Be who you are and if you are single and know these are some of your habits, tell your mate before you take the time to get to know one another. Save yourselves the agony of being a spouse who never knew that the computer and the phone were way more exciting than you!

As for you married folks, if you never talked about it being a part of your marriage, unfortunately it is cheating because someone other than you is fulfilling the partner's "needs" that you signed up for. In any relationship it is cheating.

From Michael
I think phone sex is definitely cheating -- if you try to keep it a secret from your spouse. So why keep it a secret? Like many couples, my wife and I have fantasized through the years about adding a third person to our sex life just for the sake of experimentation. But after talking about it, we agree we don't risk what we have with an actual physical encounter outside marriage.

We have, however, had some very erotic experiences with phone sex. It adds a lot of spice for her to be talking dirty with a total stranger while we're having sex. I even feel comfortable enough to let her do it when I'm not here. It may seem strange to some people, but we believe it's the only safe way to bring an outsider into your sex life.

From shadow_dreamer
Like cyber-sex I feel phone sex is also cheating. You are not only venturing into another avenue but you are straying from your relationship. One should stop, think and take a good look at their relationship and answer the question "Why am I doing this?" Even if you're thinking it's just for fun or self gratification then try to imagine, see how it would feel because it hurts your partner. It not only deteriorates a relationship it can also create a few emotional problems for yourself and your other half.

We are emotional beings and when we get hurt we may forgive but it is rare to forget thus creating bad memories. How would you feel if your other half participated in phone and cyber-sex?

From Jane
Well..I have done both phone sex and email sex while I was married and MY personal opinion is that phone sex IS cheating while email is more of erotica short stories. I say this because both myself and the gentlemen (more than 1) I was involved with would exchange pictures, call each other when neither of our spouses were around and we'd both have orgasms. In my case these "relationships" would last from a few weeks to several months and be very intense.

Something to think about; IS there something lacking in your personal relationship that you seek/need these other people? Just for the record, I'm now divorced.

From Bria
I've read the comments from some on the site and feel like another perspective has to be given. I currently have phone sex and cybersex with a man I have been talking to online with for about three months. He initiated the relationship on all fronts and it has evolved from cybersex to phone sex. He is in a relationship currently but has a lot of down time and goes online for cybersex just about everyday. I am not the only woman he is having sex with but I am the only woman he has come clean with and told he's attached.

I would have never dreamed I would ever have cyber/phone sex but it makes me feel sexy and so inhibited that I look forward to it. He has a high sex drive and so do I so we click. However, just now the we are starting to talk more on the phone and I don't know where it may lead. Right now, I am enjoying myself and take it day by day.

From zoro
If you are keeping "phone" sex a secret from your spouse than of course it's cheating...in general if one must lie about their actions, something is wrong...I think the simplest way to figure it all out is to ask ourselves how we would like it if the situation were reversed..

From S.B.
I can't really form an opinion on whether phone sex is cheating or not, but after reading some of the horror stories here I felt I had to suggest something. I understand the excitement that comes with phone sex, and am fortunate enough to be spending my life with someone who really understands me on a sexual level.

I had a night job babysitting when my partner and I first got together, and loneliness and an empty bed were almost overwhelming those nights I worked. To compensate for this, after the kids were taken care of and put to bed, my guy would give me some calming time on phone.

Conversation with him is always wonderful, and as he knows I like it, frequently led to sex. It was a time for us to open our minds and push to the limits to turn each other on 45 miles apart, and I always fell asleep with a smile.

May I suggest that those craving the excitement of phone sex experiment with their own partners? Try a cell phone and just go in different rooms. And don't say that you are wanting to do it with a person you don't really know, because this will open all kinds of doors, and I promise that you will learn something about one another. It's just a thought, something to liven up some dull time, and something new to try.

From Anonymous
This question really hit home for me. I began having phone sex with a man five months ago that I met on the internet. I was shocked by how good at it we were. I had tried it before, but it had never been "like that". After only a few weeks of doing this every night, we began to get into deep discussions when it was over...our conversations went from an hour of phone sex to six hours of learning all about each other.

Now we are very attached, and my marriage is ending because of it. However, I really care for this man and we have committed to each other. So...is phone sex cheating? It didn't start out that way. But now I want out of a decade of a good marriage for this other man, and it all started with the phone. So...yes. In that way, it was cheating, no matter how I try to justify it. The flip side: my new man makes me deliriously happy. And the real sex is just as good as the phone sex, lucky me. What began as a diversion ended up as a relationship. I read something in a romance novel once, about how "unadulterated innocence" could turn so quickly to "innocent adultery". Maybe that describes phone sex?

From thelegend
Phone Sex is not really cheating. Actually, it's a great way for couples or individuals to open up more freely about their sex life. Confrontations during sex, is not so awkward once each of the partners have discussed about their problems on phone sex hotlines. Actually, recent evidence shows that most who call these hotlines are men and most who call is not really about sex, it is mostly about expressing their thoughts and feelings concerning their problems and/or relationships.

I really feel that if anyone needs some kind of closure or advise about their ongoing relationships or even if they are beginning new ones, they should call this hotline. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I support this idea of Phone Sex (or advising hotline!) Hotline.

Any affair is, as has been said before, symptomatic of a deeper issue within the relationship. Even if the phone/cybersex were to stop, if the couple don't resolve their problems, it is only a matter of time before the one who has strayed already - strays again.

From Jennie
The phone sex thing can be very hurtful. I recently found a phone bill and learned my boyfriend of 3 years has been calling phone sex lines almost daily for many months. I was pretty blown away because we are very close, and usually open about sex (I thought). According to my calculations, he called whenever I was not in the house. I was so hurt when I saw this month's bill -- for almost $250 -- and cried all day, and am still reeling thinking about it.

Our sex life hasn't been so good since we had some relationship problems last year and I've bitched occasionally about not having enough sex -- maybe once every 2 weeks -- but then just chalked it up to monogamy taking its toll. I guess we never regained the sexual ground we lost when the problems started, even though the relationship itself healed and we get along better than ever. He says he started calling the lines about 9 months ago, which is when we were having problems.

All this time he usually complained that he was tired when i wanted to have sex. Apparently he wasn't too tired to jerk off with strange women, daily. When I confronted him this month he acted as though it was no different than looking at porn, which we both do. But it's very different, not least because he concealed it.

The way i see it he's basically written off our own sex life, and left me out of everything. He justified the phone sex by saying it fulfills some aggressive fantasies that I can't (or don't try to) fulfill, but never even tells me his fantasies when i ask. I think he never gave me a chance... I think people should think twice about engaging in phone sex when they're in relationships -- at LEAST discuss it with their partners and set some parameters, so the whole "it's cheating-It's not cheating" debate doesn't come up. It's cheating if someone is lying and someone else feels betrayed.

Phone sex could in theory be fun for everyone. But not when you're the one who's been left out, left in the dark, and left with no sex life of your own. I masturbate all the time, but it's less fun now, more of a substitute for sex than before, and I wind up feeling lonely afterward. An now I think a big trust barrier has been broken, what with this phone bill, and it will take some time to figure all this out. I asked him to stop at least for now, but I don't see the underlying problems going away without lots of work on both sides.

From Sascha
Hell no phone sex isn't cheating. One can learn much more about themselves and perhaps bring out a new "self" in the act. Imagination pulls out our wanton desires and brings them to light, hopefully with someone we love. How beautiful is that?

From Jim
The bottom line is integrity. In a relationship trust is essential; so flirting, phone/cyber sex become a problem when we interact differently with a person than we would if our partner were present. If my partner is secure enough in herself and our relationship she may be ok with pornography, flirtation, phone and or cybersex. She may even be ok with an open relationship. Or she may not be ok with any of it. My obligation is to accept her boundaries as I would want her to accept mine. "Cheating" occurs when we cross the line we accepted.

From Ginger21
This is a very fine line that should be clearly defined between two people in an intimate and long term relationship. I have had both phone sex and cyber sex with men and I don't see anything wrong with it. My husband and I have also had phone sex. He knows I do it so does that make it ok? I would not mind if he did it because I have seen online that he has done it with other women however I know that I am the only one that he gets physical with. However there have been men in that past that I have had phone sex with and they have hidden it from their spouses so I do consider that to be wrong. In a relationship you should be able to be open and honest with the other person or there should be no point in going on because that means that you cannot let that person know the real you. If you are doing anything that your spouse, partner or significant other disapproves of then it should be stopped. If you both have a complete understanding of what is going on keep it up.

From nina
many of us fantasize about a sexual encounter with a stranger. the abandonment and purely hedonistic pleasure we may feel with anonymity is exciting. of course dangers prevail with human to human contact and i feel that phone titillation may fulfill many desires without the ensuing problems. identity can be shrouded and different personas enacted leading to satisfaction yet safety. as to being a form of cheating that would depend upon the nature of one's relationship. many couples allow themselves certain freedom and for those who do not then if one party participates in phone sex the other may feel inadequate and disappointed (providing they find out). personally i think phone sex is harmless, adding a little spice to perhaps a lagging relationship. as with any form of sexual exploration it should not take over and dominate in an overbearing way. i would be delighted to catch my partner, and i must add to all the world that he is the most wonderful man to have ever entered my life, getting off on the phone with a bursting erection in hand. i am realistic enough to realize that i am not the only woman in the world to arouse him. the fact that he has not engaged physically in sex with someone still shows he adores my presence over anyone else.

From flip
Like cyber sex, phone sex is cheating because it distorts love between committed partners. Very close nonsexual friendships or encounters with the opposite sex can also result in emotional adultery. Cheating is not confined to only motel rooms. It's any place the mind or emotions follow something or someone contrary to the committed relationship.

From Caitlin
For my marriage, it was part of a larger problem which also included strip clubs, massage parlors, and occasional hand-jobs from prostitutes. To me this constituted cheating, and it did in his mind too. Had he invited me to participate in the cybersex or reading erotic literature or even go to strip clubs with him, I would have happily obliged. The problem is - I WAS NOT INVITED, and it was his way of pushing me away. If he had been a workaholic it would have had the same effect I suppose. I think its a grey area that has to be defined in each relationship. This does not mean you have to sit down with your mate and say: This activity is cheating, this activity isn't.

You know its cheating when it is - and if you question it - it's cheating. CYBERSEX, and its counterparts, caused a rift in my marriage that was there from day one - only I didn't know why, and I blamed myself. For myself, I would consider Cybersex, Phone Sex, and any skin to skin contact cheating if I were in a committed relationship. I do not consider it cheating if a person reads erotica, looks at porn, or even goes to strip clubs, but it may not be conducive to a good marriage anyway - depends on the marriage.

From Tom
Jacqui, your question brings up a lot of different issues, now physical sex we know is being unfaithful, but written, phone and cybersex according to the bible is a sin and considered unfaithful now as for me I do not consider them cheating on your spouse, significant other etc... because you never actually did the dirty deed

From Suze
This seems to be a POV shared by many. I'm disagreeing because of personal experience -- I have and do engage in and enjoy both cybersex and phonesex with a couple of married guys. They take numerous precautions to hide their activity from their wives. This tells me that they, or at least their wives, consider such intimacies with another woman to be cheating. To me, saying cybersex and phonesex aren't real, therefore no cheating is taking place, seems as ridiculous as President Clinton's apparent adherence to the popular "eatin ain't cheatin" theory.

To me the only logical answer to Jacqui's question is: If you wouldn't want YOUR spouse/Significant Other to see or hear what you're doing, it's cheating. (I wish I knew who said that originally or where I heard it ... I may be quoting someone on ERA even. If so, I apologize for not giving credit.) I know there are numerous justifications for seeing the question otherwise. I've heard them all: it keeps me from going out and doing something REAL with a prostitute or another woman ... I don't want to bust up my relationship/marriage, but I just need more stimulation and sex than I'm getting ... this is like a substitute for going out and getting in trouble and keeps me home with my family, etc. If I were in a relationship with a man and we had agreed that we were going to be faithful to one another, I would consider cybersex and phonesex cheating, just as I would fucking -- and oral sex. If we had MUTUALLY agreed that enjoying sexual stimulation with others was part of our relationship, I wouldn't. Cheating is not about "the dirty deed" (which I assume is a euphemism for fucking). It is about betrayal.

Cheating happens in the context of a personal relationship when two people have a mutually agreed upon set of values that includes fidelity. Fidelity is not just sexual, it includes emotional and spiritual dimensions as well. In that context, when one partner decides to engage in sex with another person, it's cheating. Period. All that said, I also acknowledge that I indulge in these sexual pleasures with married men because ... well, I love the sexual pleasure, as they do. But none of us is pretending that what we're doing isn't cheating. In fact, we've acknowledged that the cheating is probably part of the thrill of it ... doing the forbidden is almost always titillating. So I reserve the right to think logically about this question while simultaneously embracing and enjoying hedonistic pleasure with someone who's cheating on his wife. And I'm woman enough to say so.

From Anonymous
Dear Susan, Jacqui and whoever else is following this thread; I find myself in a very precarious position where this topic is coming from. I don't know if I'm coming or going *G*. I have been married for 10 yrs, my sex drive has always been higher and as the years progressed, his has decreased steadily. I have brought up this topic for discussion repeatedly for the past 3 years and at first it was "we will try harder". The last couple of times it has been, "as I get older, the less interest I have in sex" which to me signifies that he doesn't want to have sex with me! And giving up on sex at the age of 40! I'm 34 and have no intention of giving up my sex life at this stage.

I started cyber-sexing in November last year. It was an interesting diversion but gave me no sexual pleasure, just liked teasing the men. I did feel an incredible amount of guilt the first time but lessened with each one. I rationalized that if he was more attentive then I wouldn't be at this stage. This week I had my first phone-sex encounter and Lynne's story was very appropriate for me!!!..LOL The man at the other end of the line made me feel sexy and desirable and there was absolutely no guilt involved this time I think that what this is telling me is that my marriage is heading for some very serious trouble and I should get ready for a stormy ride. I have done a lot of personal growth and healing and am not willing to give up this sexual person who has been awakened. It demands to feed and be fed!!!

From Tarrick
Each relationship (marriage, partnership, whatever) is unique and has its own contract. (Some folks even renegotiate their contract fairly often, depending on what works for them.) The heart of the relationship is being honest and faithful to the contract that's been agreed to -- keeping your commitment. As Steven Saylor said, in his essay, "A Marriage Manual," in FRIENDS AND LOVERS (edited by John Preston), most things in a relationship, including infidelity, can be negotiated. Deception can't. [paraphrased -- I don't have the book in front of me] In that context, if a couple agrees that phone sex or cybersex -- or (to take it to extremes) even screwing while away on a business trip -- is okay, then indulging in such does not constitute breaking the contract. Dan Savage has had a couple of interesting columns on this topic lately. In this month's OUT magazine, he's talking about "negotiated safety" -- where a couple (in this instance, a gay male couple) set their safe(r) sex rules in such a way that they're comfortable barebacking with each other. He uses his own relationship's rules as an example: with each other, anything goes. But with anyone else, no sucking, no fucking -- IOW, only truly "safe" sex.

The heart of making negotiated safety work is that the couple MUST trust each other to be completely honest. That includes admitting if they break the rules, and the other person agreeing not to break up if the person admits breaking the rules. (They then go back to using condoms until after 2 more negative tests, 6 months apart.) It's a hard road to follow though. Some people prefer the illusion of totally exclusivity, even if the other person is "cheating" (by whatever definition). For myownself, I prefer honesty rather than deception. But, IMO, if the people involved keep *their own* contract, whatever it is, then they're being faithful.

From megan murphy
I think it comes down to our individual set of circumstances and our own sense of judgment. To decide to follow our bliss *smile to SW* is not always easy. When I think of commitment, I think of the word dedication. To make your career successful, help your family thrive, make a relationship work -- that all takes dedication. And to have that, there has to be a commitment of some sort. I am in no way saying I am against cyber/phone. *laughing* let's make it cps. I just think that it's hard to make a generalization as to whether it is cheating or not. We all have different circumstances to live with and under. Money, children, jobs, marriage/relationship --all of these have an impact on the decision to participate in cyber/phone sex as opposed to other ways to deal with unpleasantness or an unfulfilling situation. I think that if I were in a relationship, and I couldn't get what I needed from it, then I would question why I'm in that relationship. I would especially question it if I had to hide 'facts' from the other person. It's hard to live a secret life.

Perhaps these are some thoughts to think about concerning this topic... If you are doing something that you know you would not want the other person in your life to do you, then you would have to ponder whether or not you would end up feeling it is cheating. If you are doing something to enhance your relationship because while you love the person you are with, you are not getting what you need, sexually, then perhaps you would not end up feeling like a cheat. As far as whether men feeling differently than women about 'doing the actual deed' and cps, I think that could be a generalization. For me, an act like this, whether it is real life or cps, it doesn't matter. What matters is my state of mind and how I got to the point to contemplate or do this. Living with guilt is not an easy thing to deal with, I guess we all know that. But as a matter of survival, maybe it could be the best of a bad situation. It all comes down to choices and circumstances.

From slo kiss
OK, so I've been sucked into this one again...here goes! I've read several of the comments offered by members this afternoon and have another piece of the puzzle to consider. Several have positioned betrayal. In the classic sense, that is what I would call it too. I do think that to play that coin one must examine both sides of it. Unfortunately, there could be more than two sides of the coin since betrayal can easily be the judgment of one who was not even involved n the "event". worse yet, the act of judging was from the advantageous point of view called their own. And as we all know, one's own point of view is usually the best. So, this is what I think about that....and yes, it is my point of view. Do not judge it, nor judge me. I ask only that you consider the implications from multiple points-of-view, since without that, there would be no such thing called perspective for anyone to consider. OK...enough bull shit positioning...posturing...or bluster. Choose what you will....*g*

I offer this as a question: Could betrayal be the act of not having sex with a S.O. when used to manipulate, punish, or coerce them into something? Take a marriage that is still functioning on paper, staying to together for God-knows-why, and one of the partners uses sex (or the lack of it) as a weapon. In an earlier thread I called that "Breach of Promise", or breaking the contract of marriage. To me, sex is something that is a God-given give to each of us. If a marriage is based on fidelity, then cybering and fucking with someone else are only different because of the way they are spelled. If a marriage or a relationship is not fortunate enough to have the environment that supports those values, then maybe the betrayal has taken place well before any cyber or extracurricular activities ever take place. As I positioned in my earlier thread, betrayal is a judgment that can only be made by those involved. I cannot judge Bill Clinton even though that was the rage not too long ago. I'm not in the bedroom with him and Hillary. He may be a prick, she may be a bitch, and the result was....well, we all know what the media has fed us. Someone else will have to judge Bill, it won't be me.

I think it was Susan, or maybe Jacqui (my apologies if I'm misstating either of you) who talked about being woman enough to admit that there may be a reason to stray. I really don't think it is a matter of straying or betrayal because it's not for any of us not directly involved to decide...or judge. If you have to hide it, you should not be doing in an environment where you must be covert. If I were to decide to participate in this kind of activity, it would be because it was something I wanted for myself. I would not be doing it to retaliate. If I did, then it would be something I'm doing because of my S.O. That's betrayal. But if the betrayal or the breach of promise has already taken place and my actions are as a result of the "new environment" from which to make a choice, then who can stand before me and call it a betrayal. Does this make me a slut? Hell no. I am not trolling the Net for hungry women. I need a relationship of friendship at the root of my decision. I was given the gift of sexuality by my Maker. When it was given to me, it was unconditional. I am not endorsing promiscuity. I am endorsing everyone minding their own fucking business and let those who need to decide if the label of betrayal is appropriate be the ones involved with the event. None of us have the right to judge the motivations of what another does or does not do with respect to the relationships they have wit there S.O. And to that end, I'll shut up and crawl back out of the way.

From Steven
What is left out of the discussion is that Cyber/Phone sex may be a way for people to learn about themselves in ways they cannot with their mate. Fidelity is a matter of the heart not a legal distinction in the ultimate. What we learn from others can be a source of renewal and growth not betrayal. To chose someone is one thing...to be their possession is another.

From Shar
I think phone/cyber sex is just another stimulus for masturbation. I don't consider it cheating. These are just tools to explore our sexuality, which in turn could enhance a couples sex life. But, if an individual is unsure then their partner can only answer if it is cheating or not.

From Ann
I have just found out my fiancé has been calling phone lines and listening to recorded messages -10 times according to his bills. I don't know what to think, I'm hurt and confused -  I mean I think its better that it was recorded then live? It's still cheating though. He said he stopped two months ago and his bills prove that but I would much rather he was more into magazines or videos.

From DJ
My lover and I are both married to other people. Yes, we are both cheaters. Our relationship started nearly 20 years ago with a couple of rendezvous. She is the hottest lover I have ever known or heard of, but guilt caused me to end that relationship. We had lost track of each other and I thought that was probably for the better.

Then out of the clear blue about 8 weeks ago she called me and within minutes, literally within minutes, I was tangled in her web. For me, it never was that I wasn't interested. I was just married to someone else. But I always knew that I had a weakness that she could exploit if she ever tried.

Because an inconvenient distance separates us, and because we are both still married to other people, we are not able to see each other very often (in fact we have only met 3 times and those meetings are the absolute hottest events in sexual history). However, at least once a week we get together over the phone and have great sex separately together. Now I'm not going to say its even close to the real thing, its not. We were both rather embarressed about it at first. The issue for us though is that it is what we can do with and for each other in light of our situation. And the awkwardness of the situation is tempered by our need to express our love for each other.

From Rikotica
I think as a man that it is not however, it is if it is taking away the intimacy of your life partner! I was addicted to "Phone Sex" in the phone agencies where there are many people on at the same time, Usually 30% more men than women and that is controlled by a staff of people that monitor all the callers. Men pay, women do not! You can listen to a number of categories as to what the women may be looking for and in turn the women do the same. 

So if your cruising along and you hear this amazing feminine voice and you leave her a message such as, "I couldn't help but notice your amazing sexy voice, what is it you are looking for here on the line?" When she gets the message she may decide to just ignore you and delete your message and in turn may block you from sending her anymore calls, She may send a reply like thanks but no thanks! Each caller has the option to leave a profile which includes the area they may reside, and usually what it is they seek. Like a Meaningful Relationship, Casual Dating, Just Chat, Sex, and there are sub categories to these as well which narrow down the type of sex for instance, like BDSM, Kink, Phone, Swinging and there are too many to mention. 

On The average it is about 50 to about 80 cents a minute where blocks of time are purchased. 30 minutes to 8 hours! I did this for 10 years+. It caused a divorce, I almost actually met someone, and it cost thousands and thousands of dollars! It wasn't until I found someone that truly made me happy that led to my stopping! It did leave scars. 

My divorce was due to the fact that the intimacy did not exist between us anymore but rather between myself and "The Line" as it is referred to! Get help and save what you can of your relationship or your finances! The creators of these type of phone lines are super wealthy! Most are not even in the U.S.! The biggest is not! Huge profits! Your money! 

Often the disappointment of not finding or getting what you want on "The Line" is common! Often women are planted on the line to woo men and get them hooked by being somewhat suggestive and then when the guy's time runs out he has to purchase more in hopes of meeting this woman or getting "Great Phone". It's a trap! Too costly in too many ways. 

A 23 year marriage was very hard for me to digest losing due to MY choice! My Fiancé' knows about this because I was honest with her and she meant more and I was happy so I did not need the fix for sex!

From Melissa
Phone sex is not cheating. It is just words. If words are cheating, then are thoughts cheating too? If a man looks at a woman and thinks about or visualizes having sex with her, is he cheating then too? What about masturbating to a porno video or magazine, is that cheating? Is going to a strip club cheating if you like what you see? People need to get a grip. To me, cheating is a physical action--not thoughts or words. Sure, if a man touches another woman in a sexual manner, then that to me is crossing the line. I have already warned my boyfriend that strip club lap dances are out once we are married. But just looking or talking to someone is a bit much for me to swallow in terms of cheating. If people are threatened by a phone conversation then they need to take a deeper look at their relationship. Obviously phone sex isn't their biggest problem.

Even if my boyfriend had a female friend that he emotionally liked, so long as he never acted upon those feelings, it is not cheating. The fact that he enjoys talking to someone else other than me does not threaten me. The fact that he is attracted to someone else wouldn't the bother me. I am a bit more secure than that. Now him walking down the street holding her hand is a different story.

If my man called up a phone sex line, I might not like it and wonder why he isn't calling me up instead, but I surely wouldn't think of it in terms of cheating. I was a phone sex operator myself and I wasn't having "sex" with the men I talked to, I assure you. And women who think that your men aren't in the bathroom taking care of themselves with thoughts of other women are extremely naive. Phone sex is no different. It is just a detached voice, no different than a detached photo, or detached thought. I often masturbate to thoughts of past boyfriends, is that cheating too? Or sometimes when my boyfriend and I are having sex I think of someone else. Should I be hauled off to cheaters jail?

I hate to sound cynical but I really don't understand someone being threatened by a conversation to the extent that they would call it cheating. I don't think that if someone is in a relationship they should forever more be banned from talking about sex unless it is with their significant other. And if you do talk about sex with someone else, then you better not enjoy it or worse yet, get excited, because then you are cheating. I have to chuckle at that one.

From Rach
This is my first participation in this forum... But a topic I like to participate in as well as debate on.. 

I love phone sex, with a lover or a stranger. All of my strangers agree to keep it on the phone, as meeting can ruin the fun. And I agree with most of the people here on one aspect or another. If the relationship breeds sneakiness, one should wonder. I prefer the S.O.'s [Significant Others] who understand that a partner for life is hardly possible or pleasurable if there are tight restraints (on the relationship)

I prefer the don't ask don't tell kind. And I prefer a partner who can find new ways to keep it new for us~ without extracurricular physical contact!

From LoveJones
Yes, it is. My so-called husband has been having phone sex with several different girls for over a year now. He said he would stop, but has not. I am miserable because I cannot trust anything he says and we've only been married a few months (I found out the day after the honeymoon ended, how lucky!)

Advice for any ladies dealing with this...if he has a cell phone, you can check the phone bill records. Don't let him know you found out because then he'll still cheat, just not use his cell phone anymore. I confronted mine because he was first cheating online and on the phone, now he doesn't use the internet or cell phone anymore. It's harder to catch calls made from a land line, so if you do find out, don't let him in on how you know (not that he'll tell the truth anyway)...good luck!

From LC
I don't think its wrong...just having sex with someone else is wrong to me.

From BNB
If your getting off and their getting off its cheating. No ifs and or buts. Besides, phone sex can be more thrilling then actually having sex with that person. There's no disappointment about their performance. Phone sex leaves so much up to the imagination.

From Sapphire
If your partner has no idea you're involved in phone sex, it is cheating. It's a lie of omission. I have the kind of partner where openness about our sexual needs allows us to say what we need and go out and get it. If you have to hide it from your partner, its neither right, nor is your partner right for you.

From Anonymous
Yeah, that is a toughie. There seem to be a lot of conflicting opinions on it. I can't say that if I were sitting here and heard my husband talking dirty on the phone, that it would really shake me up. I've done it and it really is an amazing way to share a very private moment. I'm not sure I'd pick up the phone and do it with a complete stranger, so I probably wouldn't be good at being a phone sex operator or anything like that, it's got to be someone I totally connect and feel comfortable with. In short, no, I don't think phone sex is cheating. Enjoy!

From Anonymous
Hmm- this is a toughie. Yes and no - phone sex is kind of cheating. No way would I admit to my dear husband that it has happened. Neither will I ever tell him I have exchanged fantasies via e-mail, and contemplated a meeting (oh do I want that, but I couldn't live with the guilt)

I am finding all kind of new things about my sexuality in this little fantasy sex life I have. It is like a whole new side of myself is coming alive. 

I suppose that is how I justify it. Hubby is going to benefit from it in the end because I am finding out new things about my sexuality and to satisfy myself I will act upon it with him. But I am forever grateful to the person I am fantasizing with. He has shown me a side of myself I never knew existed, a whole new sexual person has come from this experience.

From MissLonely
I just have one question Is it ok for your partner/boyfriend to prefer phone sex rather than the actual sex?

Because my boyfriend told me "I think it's good if we two just have phone sex, not anymore the actual sex" Is that ok? I cried because I thought that he was only using me as his stimulator and don't wanna have sex with me anymore. What does this mean?

From Eve
I came across this after having seen a Today Show interview concerning that very topic! Well, close enough.

Emotional Cheating is when a partner in a relationship gives part of themselves to another that should solely be for their mate. Whether it is being too chummy and diverging personal thoughts that should be shared with your mate, or talking on the phone and having 'mental' sex with another, that line of cheating has been crossed. However, if it is a game that both play together to enrich their bond how can that hurt anything?

It can't be cheating when a woman flirts with men in a bar only to walk out with the winner, her husband, now can it? People love to play games, but one must always consider the price it might cost to play.

From Jake
I'm painfully shy around girls, always have been, and I suspect, unfortunately I always will be. But on the phone I'm a regular sex stud. Go figure. I love talking dirty to girls, and since it makes me feel so much like a manly man, many of my 'dates' are via chat services. Hey, it works for me, I'm a happy guy and it doesn't interfere with my marriage so I don't think it cheating as long as your partner isn't uncomfortable with it.

My wife gets a kick out of doing what I'm asking the girls to do, it's sorta of threeway for us. Something I'd love to do in real life, but I'd never be able to deal with it face to face.

From Alexander
After the delightful fantasies of President Clinton, I'm surprised to find any Americans deluding themselves over this one!

If you have to hide it from your partner, if it takes resources from the couple/family without agreement, if you are reduced to convincing yourself it's okay because it's not real, then you are in cheating territory.

Of course it is cheating, just be honest with yourselves. And, to be clear, I do not write from some pure position - I have cheated and may well do again - but I'm not pretending, not denying it.

From Anonymous
Sex is physical. Love is mental. Phone sex is just another form of masturbation with phone being a stimulator just like anything else. So it cannot be construed as cheating.

From Da Phantom
Is phone sex/ cyber sex cheating? Yes. A relationship is all about giving yourself completely to your significant other mentally, physically, and emotionally. Phone sex/ Cyber sex takes away from the relationship. You start to wonder a little more about that "other" person, and sometimes we let our curiosity get the best of us. But if the phone sex/ cyber sex is openly accepted by your partner than I suppose it could be over looked. 

Keep in mind that cheating is not only a physical act… it takes mental preparation, thought, and desires before the actual physical part is played out.

From Sonya
No doubt, phone sex is cheating. But in my life, it keeps me from cheating in person, which I find is much worse. If not for the two or three very good friends that I engage in phone sex with, as well as just good conversation, I would have had an affair long ago. I am not taking anything away from my husband, for what I desire he simply cannot give. 

These men are very good friends to me and we can talk about anything. We know we will never meet in person and we accept that. As a matter of fact, they often give me good advice on my marriage, and some of the fantasies we play out go directly to my bedroom with my husband. So is it cheating? To a degree. But I find it the lesser of two evils.

From Ghost Rider
Whether phone sex is cheating or not is between you and God. It can make you commit adultery in your heart. It can also lead to physically committing adultery. I wont sit behind my key-board and judge anyone. Before you indulge, give it some serious thought and also as to how it will affect your marriage just incase your spouse finds out about it.

From Mary Allen
I've been married for 8 years and really feel out of touch with my marriage. I tried and tried to express to him my sexual desires and he either half asses it or we wind up arguing. And the end result is that I feel like we're not getting anywhere. So I gave up trying to resolve those problems, because I'm tired of arguing. I have a very high sex drive and my husband can't accommodate that. So I tried this chat line and just plain out said on the chat line "Is there any man out there who is horny as I am?" And I did get a response. 

This guy is 2 yrs older than I. We chatted a little bit and I gave him my phone number and tried phone sex. And I never tried it before and really liked it. My own husband couldn't turn me on like this guy did. This guy called long distance - from Colorado. I was so excited and so wet down there. That was something that my husband forgot to know how to do. 

So do I think phone sex is cheating? Hell no it's not. I would say that it would be if one doesn't try to talk things out with their spouse and if it winds up to be an argument why stress yourself out? Go out there and get your needs met especially long distance. Yes I do masturbate, but after a while it gets old and boring. And I will continue to get my needs met via phone or even try cyber sex.

From Detroit_girl
Phone sex is cheating. I just found out that my boyfriend of 2 years has been calling a girl he met in a chat room. I saw his phone bills and they have talked few times all night long like 7 hrs, I was crying and confronted him. He immediately changed his phone number and said he doesn't care about those girls and won't happen again. 

It's been about 2 months since and he really doesn't call anymore but I am still thinking about this and our sex life is not as great now at least for me, because I think about him talking to that girl.

He loves talking dirty and we tried phone sex before but I really can't do it. I don't know why. Now I don't know if I should leave him or just forgive him?

From I.Katharina Von
I don't think it's cheating. It enriches my sex life. it adds spice and makes room for imagination. if a guy looks at porn is that cheating?

Words and sounds can have a great erotic impact on me, even music can do that. I refuse to look at it as being unfaithful, this is the way I enjoy sex in a new realm, like reading a book, looking at pictures, etc. we are now in this ever expanding world of more stuff to absorb. Phone sex, cyber sex, changing the status quo of marriage is all part of our evolution. I can either be part of it or not. I choose to take part in it and feel myself growing. I remain in my marriage of 20 years nevertheless. Traditions do still have values in my life, too.

From RJ
After going through an experience I think I can comment on this subject. I discovered my wife's secret of having text sex with a co-worker when I located hidden cell phone bills. I confronted both of them separately and both denied that anything was going on, however through my further investigation one of them broke down and admitted to the fact that it was indeed text (phone) sex.

As for how I feel, is it cheating or not cheating? Well I found this out 5 month's ago and it still hurts. I felt at the time is was and still do think it is cheating. Sharing sexual thoughts and feelings outside of your relationship with another after making an agreement in front of your friends, family and god that you as a team in a partnership would not commit such activity and then do it? CHEATING.

If you participate in such activity without your spouse or partner knowing this, think about what is going to happen WHEN you get found out, and you will. If you plan on staying in your relationship, think about what life is going to be like without trust because it no longer will exist. Think about how crappy your conversations are going to be. Think about how now you have what used to be a friend going through all of your personal stuff to try and piece things together and find out how deep this really was. Think about being labeled as a liar.

From <3 Tabby <3
I think it is... No-one has phone sex with another person, unless there sex life isn't on fire... in my opinion, people only do it because there are not hearing what they want to hear... So they are going to someone else. But if you and your boyfriend/girlfriend or wife/hubby are totally open and into that, than it's not considered cheating.... 

But it is offending to those who try to keep there relationship alive, but can't because he/she has her mind around others... she/he would rather get off on another persons voice... But if one had to happen... Id say that phone sex is better than having to catch him/her in the act of havin' real sex, or find out about it later...

From Vi
I don't think phone sex with another person should be considered cheating on your partner unless it is taking u away from having sex with your partner, then it could definitely be defined as cheating.

From Anonymous
Please give me your advice...I have been married six years and have three kids. For the past three years I have had text-sex with an ex-boyfriend of mine. We never meet and we never speak, just text. My husband hates phone sex and won't do text-sex and I feel he doesn't pay me a great deal of attention during sex, or maybe I'm trying to justify what I'm doing.

Anyway, I find myself fantasizing about this ex and imagining us together, even with his girlfriend (yes he has a girlfriend!). I don't fancy this guy and I certainly wouldn't want to go to bed with him in reality but he's so damn good in writing. I know my husband would be upset if he found out but am I really harming anyone...? Please advise.

From Anonymous
I have had phone sex with a woman and I don't think it is cheating. I am a woman myself, it was the best thing I ever experience.

From M73
It is! And for Steven or Susan or anyone else that doesn't feel this way—have a relationship where you are kept in the dark about what your mate craves (it is more than you!) and then respond again. It is about the boundaries laid out with your partner concerning your relationship. It IS between those two alone. But if something comes up that one is hiding from the other, that is not beneficial to the committed party.

No, no one is a possession, but since you have chosen to be in the relationship, then find out more about what the two of you together can do to spice things up. If Cyber and Phone are what gets your goat, then let your partner know. If you feel it is none of their business and you are doing no harm, then think again. You decided to be with this person, but if you are not getting what you want, you don't have to be there.

Sure, if you are married, it is not so easy, but if it is just your S.O.—what are you doing?!!! You don't have to be uncomfortable with your desires and you don't have to hurt your partner. Think about being solo. What makes you so special that you should be able to have your cake AND eat it too? More individuals thinking like this do nothing but build a foundation for a crumble. Be who you are and if you are single and know these are some of your habits, tell your mate before you take the time to get to know one another. Save yourselves the agony of being a spouse who never knew that the computer and the phone were way more exciting than you!

As for you married folks, if you never talked about it being a part of your marriage, unfortunately it is cheating because someone other than you is fulfilling the partner's "needs" that you signed up for. In any relationship it is cheating.

From Michael
I think phone sex is definitely cheating -- if you try to keep it a secret from your spouse. So why keep it a secret? Like many couples, my wife and I have fantasized through the years about adding a third person to our sex life just for the sake of experimentation. But after talking about it, we agree we don't risk what we have with an actual physical encounter outside marriage.

We have, however, had some very erotic experiences with phone sex. It adds a lot of spice for her to be talking dirty with a total stranger while we're having sex. I even feel comfortable enough to let her do it when I'm not here. It may seem strange to some people, but we believe it's the only safe way to bring an outsider into your sex life.

From shadow_dreamer
Like cyber-sex I feel phone sex is also cheating. You are not only venturing into another avenue but you are straying from your relationship. One should stop, think and take a good look at their relationship and answer the question "Why am I doing this?" Even if you're thinking it's just for fun or self gratification then try to imagine, see how it would feel because it hurts your partner. It not only deteriorates a relationship it can also create a few emotional problems for yourself and your other half.

We are emotional beings and when we get hurt we may forgive but it is rare to forget thus creating bad memories. How would you feel if your other half participated in phone and cyber-sex?

From Jane
Well..I have done both phone sex and email sex while I was married and MY personal opinion is that phone sex IS cheating while email is more of erotica short stories. I say this because both myself and the gentlemen (more than 1) I was involved with would exchange pictures, call each other when neither of our spouses were around and we'd both have orgasms. In my case these "relationships" would last from a few weeks to several months and be very intense.

Something to think about; IS there something lacking in your personal relationship that you seek/need these other people? Just for the record, I'm now divorced.

From Bria
I've read the comments from some on the site and feel like another perspective has to be given. I currently have phone sex and cybersex with a man I have been talking to online with for about three months. He initiated the relationship on all fronts and it has evolved from cybersex to phone sex. He is in a relationship currently but has a lot of down time and goes online for cybersex just about everyday. I am not the only woman he is having sex with but I am the only woman he has come clean with and told he's attached.

I would have never dreamed I would ever have cyber/phone sex but it makes me feel sexy and so inhibited that I look forward to it. He has a high sex drive and so do I so we click. However, just now the we are starting to talk more on the phone and I don't know where it may lead. Right now, I am enjoying myself and take it day by day.

From zoro
If you are keeping "phone" sex a secret from your spouse than of course it's cheating...in general if one must lie about their actions, something is wrong...I think the simplest way to figure it all out is to ask ourselves how we would like it if the situation were reversed..

From S.B.
I can't really form an opinion on whether phone sex is cheating or not, but after reading some of the horror stories here I felt I had to suggest something. I understand the excitement that comes with phone sex, and am fortunate enough to be spending my life with someone who really understands me on a sexual level.

I had a night job babysitting when my partner and I first got together, and loneliness and an empty bed were almost overwhelming those nights I worked. To compensate for this, after the kids were taken care of and put to bed, my guy would give me some calming time on phone.

Conversation with him is always wonderful, and as he knows I like it, frequently led to sex. It was a time for us to open our minds and push to the limits to turn each other on 45 miles apart, and I always fell asleep with a smile.

May I suggest that those craving the excitement of phone sex experiment with their own partners? Try a cell phone and just go in different rooms. And don't say that you are wanting to do it with a person you don't really know, because this will open all kinds of doors, and I promise that you will learn something about one another. It's just a thought, something to liven up some dull time, and something new to try.

From Anonymous
This question really hit home for me. I began having phone sex with a man five months ago that I met on the internet. I was shocked by how good at it we were. I had tried it before, but it had never been "like that". After only a few weeks of doing this every night, we began to get into deep discussions when it was over...our conversations went from an hour of phone sex to six hours of learning all about each other.

Now we are very attached, and my marriage is ending because of it. However, I really care for this man and we have committed to each other. So...is phone sex cheating? It didn't start out that way. But now I want out of a decade of a good marriage for this other man, and it all started with the phone. So...yes. In that way, it was cheating, no matter how I try to justify it. The flip side: my new man makes me deliriously happy. And the real sex is just as good as the phone sex, lucky me. What began as a diversion ended up as a relationship. I read something in a romance novel once, about how "unadulterated innocence" could turn so quickly to "innocent adultery". Maybe that describes phone sex?

From thelegend
Phone Sex is not really cheating. Actually, it's a great way for couples or individuals to open up more freely about their sex life. Confrontations during sex, is not so awkward once each of the partners have discussed about their problems on phone sex hotlines. Actually, recent evidence shows that most who call these hotlines are men and most who call is not really about sex, it is mostly about expressing their thoughts and feelings concerning their problems and/or relationships.

I really feel that if anyone needs some kind of closure or advise about their ongoing relationships or even if they are beginning new ones, they should call this hotline. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I support this idea of Phone Sex (or advising hotline!) Hotline.

Any affair is, as has been said before, symptomatic of a deeper issue within the relationship. Even if the phone/cybersex were to stop, if the couple don't resolve their problems, it is only a matter of time before the one who has strayed already - strays again.

From Jennie
The phone sex thing can be very hurtful. I recently found a phone bill and learned my boyfriend of 3 years has been calling phone sex lines almost daily for many months. I was pretty blown away because we are very close, and usually open about sex (I thought). According to my calculations, he called whenever I was not in the house. I was so hurt when I saw this month's bill -- for almost $250 -- and cried all day, and am still reeling thinking about it.

Our sex life hasn't been so good since we had some relationship problems last year and I've bitched occasionally about not having enough sex -- maybe once every 2 weeks -- but then just chalked it up to monogamy taking its toll. I guess we never regained the sexual ground we lost when the problems started, even though the relationship itself healed and we get along better than ever. He says he started calling the lines about 9 months ago, which is when we were having problems.

All this time he usually complained that he was tired when i wanted to have sex. Apparently he wasn't too tired to jerk off with strange women, daily. When I confronted him this month he acted as though it was no different than looking at porn, which we both do. But it's very different, not least because he concealed it.

The way i see it he's basically written off our own sex life, and left me out of everything. He justified the phone sex by saying it fulfills some aggressive fantasies that I can't (or don't try to) fulfill, but never even tells me his fantasies when i ask. I think he never gave me a chance... I think people should think twice about engaging in phone sex when they're in relationships -- at LEAST discuss it with their partners and set some parameters, so the whole "it's cheating-It's not cheating" debate doesn't come up. It's cheating if someone is lying and someone else feels betrayed.

Phone sex could in theory be fun for everyone. But not when you're the one who's been left out, left in the dark, and left with no sex life of your own. I masturbate all the time, but it's less fun now, more of a substitute for sex than before, and I wind up feeling lonely afterward. An now I think a big trust barrier has been broken, what with this phone bill, and it will take some time to figure all this out. I asked him to stop at least for now, but I don't see the underlying problems going away without lots of work on both sides.

From Sascha
Hell no phone sex isn't cheating. One can learn much more about themselves and perhaps bring out a new "self" in the act. Imagination pulls out our wanton desires and brings them to light, hopefully with someone we love. How beautiful is that?

From Jim
The bottom line is integrity. In a relationship trust is essential; so flirting, phone/cyber sex become a problem when we interact differently with a person than we would if our partner were present. If my partner is secure enough in herself and our relationship she may be ok with pornography, flirtation, phone and or cybersex. She may even be ok with an open relationship. Or she may not be ok with any of it. My obligation is to accept her boundaries as I would want her to accept mine. "Cheating" occurs when we cross the line we accepted.

From Ginger21
This is a very fine line that should be clearly defined between two people in an intimate and long term relationship. I have had both phone sex and cyber sex with men and I don't see anything wrong with it. My husband and I have also had phone sex. He knows I do it so does that make it ok? I would not mind if he did it because I have seen online that he has done it with other women however I know that I am the only one that he gets physical with. However there have been men in that past that I have had phone sex with and they have hidden it from their spouses so I do consider that to be wrong. In a relationship you should be able to be open and honest with the other person or there should be no point in going on because that means that you cannot let that person know the real you. If you are doing anything that your spouse, partner or significant other disapproves of then it should be stopped. If you both have a complete understanding of what is going on keep it up.

From nina
many of us fantasize about a sexual encounter with a stranger. the abandonment and purely hedonistic pleasure we may feel with anonymity is exciting. of course dangers prevail with human to human contact and i feel that phone titillation may fulfill many desires without the ensuing problems. identity can be shrouded and different personas enacted leading to satisfaction yet safety. as to being a form of cheating that would depend upon the nature of one's relationship. many couples allow themselves certain freedom and for those who do not then if one party participates in phone sex the other may feel inadequate and disappointed (providing they find out). personally i think phone sex is harmless, adding a little spice to perhaps a lagging relationship. as with any form of sexual exploration it should not take over and dominate in an overbearing way. i would be delighted to catch my partner, and i must add to all the world that he is the most wonderful man to have ever entered my life, getting off on the phone with a bursting erection in hand. i am realistic enough to realize that i am not the only woman in the world to arouse him. the fact that he has not engaged physically in sex with someone still shows he adores my presence over anyone else.

From flip
Like cyber sex, phone sex is cheating because it distorts love between committed partners. Very close nonsexual friendships or encounters with the opposite sex can also result in emotional adultery. Cheating is not confined to only motel rooms. It's any place the mind or emotions follow something or someone contrary to the committed relationship.

From Caitlin
For my marriage, it was part of a larger problem which also included strip clubs, massage parlors, and occasional hand-jobs from prostitutes. To me this constituted cheating, and it did in his mind too. Had he invited me to participate in the cybersex or reading erotic literature or even go to strip clubs with him, I would have happily obliged. The problem is - I WAS NOT INVITED, and it was his way of pushing me away. If he had been a workaholic it would have had the same effect I suppose. I think its a grey area that has to be defined in each relationship. This does not mean you have to sit down with your mate and say: This activity is cheating, this activity isn't.

You know its cheating when it is - and if you question it - it's cheating. CYBERSEX, and its counterparts, caused a rift in my marriage that was there from day one - only I didn't know why, and I blamed myself. For myself, I would consider Cybersex, Phone Sex, and any skin to skin contact cheating if I were in a committed relationship. I do not consider it cheating if a person reads erotica, looks at porn, or even goes to strip clubs, but it may not be conducive to a good marriage anyway - depends on the marriage.

From Tom
Jacqui, your question brings up a lot of different issues, now physical sex we know is being unfaithful, but written, phone and cybersex according to the bible is a sin and considered unfaithful now as for me I do not consider them cheating on your spouse, significant other etc... because you never actually did the dirty deed

From Suze
This seems to be a POV shared by many. I'm disagreeing because of personal experience -- I have and do engage in and enjoy both cybersex and phonesex with a couple of married guys. They take numerous precautions to hide their activity from their wives. This tells me that they, or at least their wives, consider such intimacies with another woman to be cheating. To me, saying cybersex and phonesex aren't real, therefore no cheating is taking place, seems as ridiculous as President Clinton's apparent adherence to the popular "eatin ain't cheatin" theory.

To me the only logical answer to Jacqui's question is: If you wouldn't want YOUR spouse/Significant Other to see or hear what you're doing, it's cheating. (I wish I knew who said that originally or where I heard it ... I may be quoting someone on ERA even. If so, I apologize for not giving credit.) I know there are numerous justifications for seeing the question otherwise. I've heard them all: it keeps me from going out and doing something REAL with a prostitute or another woman ... I don't want to bust up my relationship/marriage, but I just need more stimulation and sex than I'm getting ... this is like a substitute for going out and getting in trouble and keeps me home with my family, etc. If I were in a relationship with a man and we had agreed that we were going to be faithful to one another, I would consider cybersex and phonesex cheating, just as I would fucking -- and oral sex. If we had MUTUALLY agreed that enjoying sexual stimulation with others was part of our relationship, I wouldn't. Cheating is not about "the dirty deed" (which I assume is a euphemism for fucking). It is about betrayal.

Cheating happens in the context of a personal relationship when two people have a mutually agreed upon set of values that includes fidelity. Fidelity is not just sexual, it includes emotional and spiritual dimensions as well. In that context, when one partner decides to engage in sex with another person, it's cheating. Period. All that said, I also acknowledge that I indulge in these sexual pleasures with married men because ... well, I love the sexual pleasure, as they do. But none of us is pretending that what we're doing isn't cheating. In fact, we've acknowledged that the cheating is probably part of the thrill of it ... doing the forbidden is almost always titillating. So I reserve the right to think logically about this question while simultaneously embracing and enjoying hedonistic pleasure with someone who's cheating on his wife. And I'm woman enough to say so.

From Anonymous
Dear Susan, Jacqui and whoever else is following this thread; I find myself in a very precarious position where this topic is coming from. I don't know if I'm coming or going *G*. I have been married for 10 yrs, my sex drive has always been higher and as the years progressed, his has decreased steadily. I have brought up this topic for discussion repeatedly for the past 3 years and at first it was "we will try harder". The last couple of times it has been, "as I get older, the less interest I have in sex" which to me signifies that he doesn't want to have sex with me! And giving up on sex at the age of 40! I'm 34 and have no intention of giving up my sex life at this stage.

I started cyber-sexing in November last year. It was an interesting diversion but gave me no sexual pleasure, just liked teasing the men. I did feel an incredible amount of guilt the first time but lessened with each one. I rationalized that if he was more attentive then I wouldn't be at this stage. This week I had my first phone-sex encounter and Lynne's story was very appropriate for me!!!..LOL The man at the other end of the line made me feel sexy and desirable and there was absolutely no guilt involved this time I think that what this is telling me is that my marriage is heading for some very serious trouble and I should get ready for a stormy ride. I have done a lot of personal growth and healing and am not willing to give up this sexual person who has been awakened. It demands to feed and be fed!!!

From Tarrick
Each relationship (marriage, partnership, whatever) is unique and has its own contract. (Some folks even renegotiate their contract fairly often, depending on what works for them.) The heart of the relationship is being honest and faithful to the contract that's been agreed to -- keeping your commitment. As Steven Saylor said, in his essay, "A Marriage Manual," in FRIENDS AND LOVERS (edited by John Preston), most things in a relationship, including infidelity, can be negotiated. Deception can't. [paraphrased -- I don't have the book in front of me] In that context, if a couple agrees that phone sex or cybersex -- or (to take it to extremes) even screwing while away on a business trip -- is okay, then indulging in such does not constitute breaking the contract. Dan Savage has had a couple of interesting columns on this topic lately. In this month's OUT magazine, he's talking about "negotiated safety" -- where a couple (in this instance, a gay male couple) set their safe(r) sex rules in such a way that they're comfortable barebacking with each other. He uses his own relationship's rules as an example: with each other, anything goes. But with anyone else, no sucking, no fucking -- IOW, only truly "safe" sex.

The heart of making negotiated safety work is that the couple MUST trust each other to be completely honest. That includes admitting if they break the rules, and the other person agreeing not to break up if the person admits breaking the rules. (They then go back to using condoms until after 2 more negative tests, 6 months apart.) It's a hard road to follow though. Some people prefer the illusion of totally exclusivity, even if the other person is "cheating" (by whatever definition). For myownself, I prefer honesty rather than deception. But, IMO, if the people involved keep *their own* contract, whatever it is, then they're being faithful.

From megan murphy
I think it comes down to our individual set of circumstances and our own sense of judgment. To decide to follow our bliss *smile to SW* is not always easy. When I think of commitment, I think of the word dedication. To make your career successful, help your family thrive, make a relationship work -- that all takes dedication. And to have that, there has to be a commitment of some sort. I am in no way saying I am against cyber/phone. *laughing* let's make it cps. I just think that it's hard to make a generalization as to whether it is cheating or not. We all have different circumstances to live with and under. Money, children, jobs, marriage/relationship --all of these have an impact on the decision to participate in cyber/phone sex as opposed to other ways to deal with unpleasantness or an unfulfilling situation. I think that if I were in a relationship, and I couldn't get what I needed from it, then I would question why I'm in that relationship. I would especially question it if I had to hide 'facts' from the other person. It's hard to live a secret life.

Perhaps these are some thoughts to think about concerning this topic... If you are doing something that you know you would not want the other person in your life to do you, then you would have to ponder whether or not you would end up feeling it is cheating. If you are doing something to enhance your relationship because while you love the person you are with, you are not getting what you need, sexually, then perhaps you would not end up feeling like a cheat. As far as whether men feeling differently than women about 'doing the actual deed' and cps, I think that could be a generalization. For me, an act like this, whether it is real life or cps, it doesn't matter. What matters is my state of mind and how I got to the point to contemplate or do this. Living with guilt is not an easy thing to deal with, I guess we all know that. But as a matter of survival, maybe it could be the best of a bad situation. It all comes down to choices and circumstances.

From slo kiss
OK, so I've been sucked into this one again...here goes! I've read several of the comments offered by members this afternoon and have another piece of the puzzle to consider. Several have positioned betrayal. In the classic sense, that is what I would call it too. I do think that to play that coin one must examine both sides of it. Unfortunately, there could be more than two sides of the coin since betrayal can easily be the judgment of one who was not even involved n the "event". worse yet, the act of judging was from the advantageous point of view called their own. And as we all know, one's own point of view is usually the best. So, this is what I think about that....and yes, it is my point of view. Do not judge it, nor judge me. I ask only that you consider the implications from multiple points-of-view, since without that, there would be no such thing called perspective for anyone to consider. OK...enough bull shit positioning...posturing...or bluster. Choose what you will....*g*

I offer this as a question: Could betrayal be the act of not having sex with a S.O. when used to manipulate, punish, or coerce them into something? Take a marriage that is still functioning on paper, staying to together for God-knows-why, and one of the partners uses sex (or the lack of it) as a weapon. In an earlier thread I called that "Breach of Promise", or breaking the contract of marriage. To me, sex is something that is a God-given give to each of us. If a marriage is based on fidelity, then cybering and fucking with someone else are only different because of the way they are spelled. If a marriage or a relationship is not fortunate enough to have the environment that supports those values, then maybe the betrayal has taken place well before any cyber or extracurricular activities ever take place. As I positioned in my earlier thread, betrayal is a judgment that can only be made by those involved. I cannot judge Bill Clinton even though that was the rage not too long ago. I'm not in the bedroom with him and Hillary. He may be a prick, she may be a bitch, and the result was....well, we all know what the media has fed us. Someone else will have to judge Bill, it won't be me.

I think it was Susan, or maybe Jacqui (my apologies if I'm misstating either of you) who talked about being woman enough to admit that there may be a reason to stray. I really don't think it is a matter of straying or betrayal because it's not for any of us not directly involved to decide...or judge. If you have to hide it, you should not be doing in an environment where you must be covert. If I were to decide to participate in this kind of activity, it would be because it was something I wanted for myself. I would not be doing it to retaliate. If I did, then it would be something I'm doing because of my S.O. That's betrayal. But if the betrayal or the breach of promise has already taken place and my actions are as a result of the "new environment" from which to make a choice, then who can stand before me and call it a betrayal. Does this make me a slut? Hell no. I am not trolling the Net for hungry women. I need a relationship of friendship at the root of my decision. I was given the gift of sexuality by my Maker. When it was given to me, it was unconditional. I am not endorsing promiscuity. I am endorsing everyone minding their own fucking business and let those who need to decide if the label of betrayal is appropriate be the ones involved with the event. None of us have the right to judge the motivations of what another does or does not do with respect to the relationships they have wit there S.O. And to that end, I'll shut up and crawl back out of the way.

From Steven
What is left out of the discussion is that Cyber/Phone sex may be a way for people to learn about themselves in ways they cannot with their mate. Fidelity is a matter of the heart not a legal distinction in the ultimate. What we learn from others can be a source of renewal and growth not betrayal. To chose someone is one thing...to be their possession is another.

From Paul
I agree with Teen Rachel in that whether phone sex is cheating or not depends on how couples view the situation. [see entry below] It could become a hot activity for the relationship, or a total disaster.

However, saying that men can't help themselves because of their dicks is simply justification for doing whatever the hell they feel like and blaming it on their dicks. Here's a news flash: women are just as sexual as men, and just because a guy's got a hard-on doesn't mean he's at the mercy of his horny self and has to run to the sex phone gals for an audio jerk off session. Yeah it's nice to jerk off whenever the wind blows our dicks into a woody, but honestly and truly ladies, we can and do control our urges, just like you do.

Would I like a sex phone operator to get me off? You bet. Have I indulged? Oh yes indeed (bless those audio actresses) but only when I wasn't in a committed relationship. I would not like it if my girl got her bliss from a guy on the phone, so I wouldn't turn the tables and do it to her. Unless, of course, I was the guy on the phone.

From Teen Rachel
If you are with someone for a while, you stumble upon their secret phone sex fetish or maybe he/she opens up and tells you on their own and you are just flabbergasted by this information, first, breathe ok, breathe some more. This could be an exciting sexual activity that the two of you could share and that could become something that brings the two of you closer emotionally and sexually. 

If you are new to phone sex, just be open minded. Especially if you are a female finding out your man likes to beat his cock on the phone with a girl he doesn't know instead of doing it with you. Men begin masturbating very young and more often than most women in the course of their lifetime in general anyway. Men are born with this thing between their legs that can get hard if the wind blows sometimes, it's unpredictable, and they can't help but stroke their meat. They may be highly sexual or maybe it's just something that gets him off when he's wanking. When he's wanking his cock on the phone, his visual imagery in his mind is enhanced. The voice also can be a turn on, or just doing/talking about something "naughty" is alluring and exciting. At least he is not risking sexual diseases or actually boinking someone else. Men are turned on visually, by sounds, smells, imagination, even by non-sexual touch much easier than women.

If you cannot tolerate the phone sex and the other person cannot give it up and no compromise can be made, I doubt the relationship will last. Men are easily turned on by outside influences and stimuli, imagined stimuli of a sexual nature. Even looking at a nudie magazine while a guy is masturbating involves him imagining that he's banging her. They are aroused emotionally too, but more apt to get turned on by all sorts of things that have nothing to do with emotions.

Women of course are generally more aroused on an emotional level and although the same stimuli that a man likes, many women do too, men are aroused much easier by those things and it is not b/c they aren't committed or in love with their mate.

So, if you can be open minded, trust one another, accept one another's boundaries and desires, a mate who enjoys phone sex without your company or with or whatever doesn't have to be viewed as cheating. It's about trust right?

From Lovebear
Maybe I'm old fashion, maybe I've read too many responses being "optimistic" to a double life we have - the one is the reality and the one is the dream world. He says it isn't cheating...so why am I hurting so much? Why can't I stop thinking about it? They my emotions and my love and no trust. I ask myself every day how can I go on?

I think we slip from dreams to reality when the chemistry in our brain dictates for some kind of self preservation or relief from pain or need something that we are no getting, and then it all becomes a habit no matter what we repeat doing to make ourselves feel better. So does phone sex. It's a habit that hurts the partner who can't satisfy the other if he/she can't or isn't able to participate.

I'm an incurable romantic and when my boyfriend dialed the number and gave me the phone I broke down in tears and couldn't stop for hours. He was open from the beginning and I thought I could learn to tolerate his addiction and help. Two years later, I see the bills and it's getting better, but it hurts no less. He said he would give it up...it's easy...but he didn't. I asked politely to open our relationship so that I could get some physical relief too, but he said that I'd only hurt myself (he never talked about how much it would hurt him if I was doing what he was doing). 

Please people who are out there doing it, don't be selfish. Keep to your pictures and videos and DVD's and magazines. Please don't "TALK" or "WRITE". On that level is just too hard to stop and you'll maybe have a great fantasy for a year or so, but he/she will do to you what he/she did to his partner. 

Please find happiness and relief somewhere where it doesn't emotionally kill other people who desperately try to believe in love and emotionally and physically committed relationship. Thank you.

From Bree
Cheating is not a matter of opinion. To cheat means to elude, it means to mislead, it means to act dishonestly and in this situation the definition of cheating is to be sexually unfaithful. Is going behind your significant others back to fulfill sexual pleasure cheating? Whether it be your penis or vagina, or your voice, you’re using other people to accomplish your sexual satisfaction and so your faithfulness is reading zero.

If you’re in a committed relationship, than any sexual favor done by anybody besides your other half is cheating, it’s that simple. You're relying on other people to satisfy you sexually and so therefore, you’re not committed, and so therefore you’re unfaithful, and so therefore you’re cheating. Like, put two and two together guys.

From Shar
I think phone/cyber sex is just another stimulus for masturbation. I don't consider it cheating. These are just tools to explore our sexuality, which in turn could enhance a couples sex life. But, if an individual is unsure then their partner can only answer if it is cheating or not.

From Ann
I have just found out my fiancé has been calling phone lines and listening to recorded messages -10 times according to his bills. I don't know what to think, I'm hurt and confused -  I mean I think its better that it was recorded then live? It's still cheating though. He said he stopped two months ago and his bills prove that but I would much rather he was more into magazines or videos.

From DJ
My lover and I are both married to other people. Yes, we are both cheaters. Our relationship started nearly 20 years ago with a couple of rendezvous. She is the hottest lover I have ever known or heard of, but guilt caused me to end that relationship. We had lost track of each other and I thought that was probably for the better.

Then out of the clear blue about 8 weeks ago she called me and within minutes, literally within minutes, I was tangled in her web. For me, it never was that I wasn't interested. I was just married to someone else. But I always knew that I had a weakness that she could exploit if she ever tried.

Because an inconvenient distance separates us, and because we are both still married to other people, we are not able to see each other very often (in fact we have only met 3 times and those meetings are the absolute hottest events in sexual history). However, at least once a week we get together over the phone and have great sex separately together. Now I'm not going to say its even close to the real thing, its not. We were both rather embarressed about it at first. The issue for us though is that it is what we can do with and for each other in light of our situation. And the awkwardness of the situation is tempered by our need to express our love for each other.

From Rikotica
I think as a man that it is not however, it is if it is taking away the intimacy of your life partner! I was addicted to "Phone Sex" in the phone agencies where there are many people on at the same time, Usually 30% more men than women and that is controlled by a staff of people that monitor all the callers. Men pay, women do not! You can listen to a number of categories as to what the women may be looking for and in turn the women do the same. 

So if your cruising along and you hear this amazing feminine voice and you leave her a message such as, "I couldn't help but notice your amazing sexy voice, what is it you are looking for here on the line?" When she gets the message she may decide to just ignore you and delete your message and in turn may block you from sending her anymore calls, She may send a reply like thanks but no thanks! Each caller has the option to leave a profile which includes the area they may reside, and usually what it is they seek. Like a Meaningful Relationship, Casual Dating, Just Chat, Sex, and there are sub categories to these as well which narrow down the type of sex for instance, like BDSM, Kink, Phone, Swinging and there are too many to mention. 

On The average it is about 50 to about 80 cents a minute where blocks of time are purchased. 30 minutes to 8 hours! I did this for 10 years+. It caused a divorce, I almost actually met someone, and it cost thousands and thousands of dollars! It wasn't until I found someone that truly made me happy that led to my stopping! It did leave scars. 

My divorce was due to the fact that the intimacy did not exist between us anymore but rather between myself and "The Line" as it is referred to! Get help and save what you can of your relationship or your finances! The creators of these type of phone lines are super wealthy! Most are not even in the U.S.! The biggest is not! Huge profits! Your money! 

Often the disappointment of not finding or getting what you want on "The Line" is common! Often women are planted on the line to woo men and get them hooked by being somewhat suggestive and then when the guy's time runs out he has to purchase more in hopes of meeting this woman or getting "Great Phone". It's a trap! Too costly in too many ways. 

A 23 year marriage was very hard for me to digest losing due to MY choice! My Fiancé' knows about this because I was honest with her and she meant more and I was happy so I did not need the fix for sex!

From Melissa
Phone sex is not cheating. It is just words. If words are cheating, then are thoughts cheating too? If a man looks at a woman and thinks about or visualizes having sex with her, is he cheating then too? What about masturbating to a porno video or magazine, is that cheating? Is going to a strip club cheating if you like what you see? People need to get a grip. To me, cheating is a physical action--not thoughts or words. Sure, if a man touches another woman in a sexual manner, then that to me is crossing the line. I have already warned my boyfriend that strip club lap dances are out once we are married. But just looking or talking to someone is a bit much for me to swallow in terms of cheating. If people are threatened by a phone conversation then they need to take a deeper look at their relationship. Obviously phone sex isn't their biggest problem.

Even if my boyfriend had a female friend that he emotionally liked, so long as he never acted upon those feelings, it is not cheating. The fact that he enjoys talking to someone else other than me does not threaten me. The fact that he is attracted to someone else wouldn't the bother me. I am a bit more secure than that. Now him walking down the street holding her hand is a different story.

If my man called up a phone sex line, I might not like it and wonder why he isn't calling me up instead, but I surely wouldn't think of it in terms of cheating. I was a phone sex operator myself and I wasn't having "sex" with the men I talked to, I assure you. And women who think that your men aren't in the bathroom taking care of themselves with thoughts of other women are extremely naive. Phone sex is no different. It is just a detached voice, no different than a detached photo, or detached thought. I often masturbate to thoughts of past boyfriends, is that cheating too? Or sometimes when my boyfriend and I are having sex I think of someone else. Should I be hauled off to cheaters jail?

I hate to sound cynical but I really don't understand someone being threatened by a conversation to the extent that they would call it cheating. I don't think that if someone is in a relationship they should forever more be banned from talking about sex unless it is with their significant other. And if you do talk about sex with someone else, then you better not enjoy it or worse yet, get excited, because then you are cheating. I have to chuckle at that one.

From Rach
This is my first participation in this forum... But a topic I like to participate in as well as debate on.. 

I love phone sex, with a lover or a stranger. All of my strangers agree to keep it on the phone, as meeting can ruin the fun. And I agree with most of the people here on one aspect or another. If the relationship breeds sneakiness, one should wonder. I prefer the S.O.'s [Significant Others] who understand that a partner for life is hardly possible or pleasurable if there are tight restraints (on the relationship)

I prefer the don't ask don't tell kind. And I prefer a partner who can find new ways to keep it new for us~ without extracurricular physical contact!

From LoveJones
Yes, it is. My so-called husband has been having phone sex with several different girls for over a year now. He said he would stop, but has not. I am miserable because I cannot trust anything he says and we've only been married a few months (I found out the day after the honeymoon ended, how lucky!)

Advice for any ladies dealing with this...if he has a cell phone, you can check the phone bill records. Don't let him know you found out because then he'll still cheat, just not use his cell phone anymore. I confronted mine because he was first cheating online and on the phone, now he doesn't use the internet or cell phone anymore. It's harder to catch calls made from a land line, so if you do find out, don't let him in on how you know (not that he'll tell the truth anyway)...good luck!

From LC
I don't think its wrong...just having sex with someone else is wrong to me.

From BNB
If your getting off and their getting off its cheating. No ifs and or buts. Besides, phone sex can be more thrilling then actually having sex with that person. There's no disappointment about their performance. Phone sex leaves so much up to the imagination.

From Sapphire
If your partner has no idea you're involved in phone sex, it is cheating. It's a lie of omission. I have the kind of partner where openness about our sexual needs allows us to say what we need and go out and get it. If you have to hide it from your partner, its neither right, nor is your partner right for you.

From Anonymous
Yeah, that is a toughie. There seem to be a lot of conflicting opinions on it. I can't say that if I were sitting here and heard my husband talking dirty on the phone, that it would really shake me up. I've done it and it really is an amazing way to share a very private moment. I'm not sure I'd pick up the phone and do it with a complete stranger, so I probably wouldn't be good at being a phone sex operator or anything like that, it's got to be someone I totally connect and feel comfortable with. In short, no, I don't think phone sex is cheating. Enjoy!

From Anonymous
Hmm- this is a toughie. Yes and no - phone sex is kind of cheating. No way would I admit to my dear husband that it has happened. Neither will I ever tell him I have exchanged fantasies via e-mail, and contemplated a meeting (oh do I want that, but I couldn't live with the guilt)

I am finding all kind of new things about my sexuality in this little fantasy sex life I have. It is like a whole new side of myself is coming alive. 

I suppose that is how I justify it. Hubby is going to benefit from it in the end because I am finding out new things about my sexuality and to satisfy myself I will act upon it with him. But I am forever grateful to the person I am fantasizing with. He has shown me a side of myself I never knew existed, a whole new sexual person has come from this experience.

From MissLonely
I just have one question Is it ok for your partner/boyfriend to prefer phone sex rather than the actual sex?

Because my boyfriend told me "I think it's good if we two just have phone sex, not anymore the actual sex" Is that ok? I cried because I thought that he was only using me as his stimulator and don't wanna have sex with me anymore. What does this mean?

From Eve
I came across this after having seen a Today Show interview concerning that very topic! Well, close enough.

Emotional Cheating is when a partner in a relationship gives part of themselves to another that should solely be for their mate. Whether it is being too chummy and diverging personal thoughts that should be shared with your mate, or talking on the phone and having 'mental' sex with another, that line of cheating has been crossed. However, if it is a game that both play together to enrich their bond how can that hurt anything?

It can't be cheating when a woman flirts with men in a bar only to walk out with the winner, her husband, now can it? People love to play games, but one must always consider the price it might cost to play.

From Jake
I'm painfully shy around girls, always have been, and I suspect, unfortunately I always will be. But on the phone I'm a regular sex stud. Go figure. I love talking dirty to girls, and since it makes me feel so much like a manly man, many of my 'dates' are via chat services. Hey, it works for me, I'm a happy guy and it doesn't interfere with my marriage so I don't think it cheating as long as your partner isn't uncomfortable with it.

My wife gets a kick out of doing what I'm asking the girls to do, it's sorta of threeway for us. Something I'd love to do in real life, but I'd never be able to deal with it face to face.

From Alexander
After the delightful fantasies of President Clinton, I'm surprised to find any Americans deluding themselves over this one!

If you have to hide it from your partner, if it takes resources from the couple/family without agreement, if you are reduced to convincing yourself it's okay because it's not real, then you are in cheating territory.

Of course it is cheating, just be honest with yourselves. And, to be clear, I do not write from some pure position - I have cheated and may well do again - but I'm not pretending, not denying it.

From Anonymous
Sex is physical. Love is mental. Phone sex is just another form of masturbation with phone being a stimulator just like anything else. So it cannot be construed as cheating.

From Da Phantom
Is phone sex/ cyber sex cheating? Yes. A relationship is all about giving yourself completely to your significant other mentally, physically, and emotionally. Phone sex/ Cyber sex takes away from the relationship. You start to wonder a little more about that "other" person, and sometimes we let our curiosity get the best of us. But if the phone sex/ cyber sex is openly accepted by your partner than I suppose it could be over looked. 

Keep in mind that cheating is not only a physical act… it takes mental preparation, thought, and desires before the actual physical part is played out.

From I.Katharina Von
I don't think it's cheating. It enriches my sex life. it adds spice and makes room for imagination. if a guy looks at porn is that cheating?

Words and sounds can have a great erotic impact on me, even music can do that. I refuse to look at it as being unfaithful, this is the way I enjoy sex in a new realm, like reading a book, looking at pictures, etc. we are now in this ever expanding world of more stuff to absorb. Phone sex, cyber sex, changing the status quo of marriage is all part of our evolution. I can either be part of it or not. I choose to take part in it and feel myself growing. I remain in my marriage of 20 years nevertheless. Traditions do still have values in my life, too.

From RJ
After going through an experience I think I can comment on this subject. I discovered my wife's secret of having text sex with a co-worker when I located hidden cell phone bills. I confronted both of them separately and both denied that anything was going on, however through my further investigation one of them broke down and admitted to the fact that it was indeed text (phone) sex.

As for how I feel, is it cheating or not cheating? Well I found this out 5 month's ago and it still hurts. I felt at the time is was and still do think it is cheating. Sharing sexual thoughts and feelings outside of your relationship with another after making an agreement in front of your friends, family and god that you as a team in a partnership would not commit such activity and then do it? CHEATING.

If you participate in such activity without your spouse or partner knowing this, think about what is going to happen WHEN you get found out, and you will. If you plan on staying in your relationship, think about what life is going to be like without trust because it no longer will exist. Think about how crappy your conversations are going to be. Think about how now you have what used to be a friend going through all of your personal stuff to try and piece things together and find out how deep this really was. Think about being labeled as a liar.

From <3 Tabby <3
I think it is... No-one has phone sex with another person, unless there sex life isn't on fire... in my opinion, people only do it because there are not hearing what they want to hear... So they are going to someone else. But if you and your boyfriend/girlfriend or wife/hubby are totally open and into that, than it's not considered cheating.... 

But it is offending to those who try to keep there relationship alive, but can't because he/she has her mind around others... she/he would rather get off on another persons voice... But if one had to happen... Id say that phone sex is better than having to catch him/her in the act of havin' real sex, or find out about it later...

From Vi
I don't think phone sex with another person should be considered cheating on your partner unless it is taking u away from having sex with your partner, then it could definitely be defined as cheating.

From Anonymous
Please give me your advice...I have been married six years and have three kids. For the past three years I have had text-sex with an ex-boyfriend of mine. We never meet and we never speak, just text. My husband hates phone sex and won't do text-sex and I feel he doesn't pay me a great deal of attention during sex, or maybe I'm trying to justify what I'm doing.

Anyway, I find myself fantasizing about this ex and imagining us together, even with his girlfriend (yes he has a girlfriend!). I don't fancy this guy and I certainly wouldn't want to go to bed with him in reality but he's so damn good in writing. I know my husband would be upset if he found out but am I really harming anyone...? Please advise.

From Anonymous
I have had phone sex with a woman and I don't think it is cheating. I am a woman myself, it was the best thing I ever experience.

6/ 26/07

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