Porn and Relationships
Hot or Not?

Here's porn for him, and for her. Play nice and share...

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From Anonymous
Porn is cheating. My husband is addicted to porn and has been for many years. I am attractive and have gone to great lengths to purchase lingerie, have great romance and passion. He will not have sex with me because he uses porn to get himself off. This is how men isolate and distance themselves from their woman. (He and I have not had sex in over 2 years) This is also abusive to me. His addiction made me feel isolated, alienated, depressed and suicidal. 

I went to a woman's support group and at least 95% of the woman whose men use porn, now cheat on their husbands. When my husband is using porn I sneak out of the house, work out at my local gym and meet various (un married) men for dates, wine, romance passion, movies, dinner and great protected sex! (The sex is the icing on the cake. Sometimes we do not have sex, it is just the caressing and the intimate talks, bubble baths I have with other men! 

I am divorcing my husband! Our teenage daughters hate him for what his porn addiction has done to our marriage, and how it affected me. They view him as a creep and a pervert. My sexual needs will always be met with other men and I will never trust another man. I will never get married again. 

Now my husband is ill and he wants me back. no way, I will not take care of a man who hurt me like that! So men, next time you are using porn, think with your brain on your head for once and think of how this will affect your wife. She is probably cheating on you right now with a real man.

From Anonymous
My boyfriend is addicted to porn and masturbating. He lies about the porn. He sneaks behind my back to watch it. He constantly looks at porn at work on his phone. He sends me to the store so he can whack off to porn while I'm gone.

One big problem I have is that he will follow me around grabbing my breast, ass, or other body parts and tell me "all day" what he is going to do to me. Then, he does nothing. We can go to bed most nights and he just lays there. If I make love to him, we have sex. Of course, he really likes it if I give him a blow job. On the other hand, he only talks about the sex acts for me and describes them at length, then he does nothing. He even has the audacity to complain to me that we don't have sex!

I want sex. I want sex with intimacy. Sometimes, I just want to throw down. He has a problem which has created a problem for us and I do not know how to turn this around. I fill his fantasies. He wants hose and heels, I give hose and heels. Whatever he comes up with, I provide. BUT, later when I want something, he does not reciprocate. He "talks" about oral sex for me, but he only does it every couple of months. He rarely touches me. He is prone to try to roll me over in the middle of the night and just take me with no foreplay whatsoever. I have finally stopped allowing him to do that. I don't know what to do.

From Experienced Chick
Ok, take it from me because I too experienced all the crappy side effects that come from being with a guy that's into porn ... a little too much!

#1 Porn addiction is real, it is an addiction and guys can become hooked. The bad thing is, they don't realize it!

#2 Borderline porn addicts can be stopped ... and this is how.

Stop Your Guy From Watching Porn All The Time:  It's simple ... turn the tables! Go to the XXX store and buy toys, big toys, toys that are intimidating to look at and play with them behind locked doors. Rent your own porn movies and hide them, act strange about the computer and purposely do your own "Google" searches but use search terms like "1 woman, 2 guy sex", "How to please yourself", "Bonding with your vibrator" and see how quick your guy starts showing some affection!

Not to mention how quick all the porn will leave the house!

Trust me ... it works!

From Sarah
Kat, [see Kat's entry below] you were having sex 3 weeks after your baby was born!? Good grief. I have three kids, and the last thing I wanted 3 weeks after the births was sex. 5 or 6 weeks recuperation worked for me. And yes, my husband looked at porn, and masturbated a lot during those childbearing years. We're married now 36 years, and yes he still watches/reads porn, and yes he still masturbates to it. And yes, we still have a good sex life. 

So I suggest you calm down and give yourself time to recuperate from the physical efforts of giving birth, and from the emotional aspects also. You'll be on an emotional rollercoaster for a while. Ask your boyfriend for backrubs, foot rubs, a chance to sleep late while he takes care of baby, get him involved. 

And don't insist he doesn't watch porn, because you put yourself in a no win situation. Unless that's all he does is watch porn (I'm talking a addiction) and has no time for you, porn is harmless and does not lead to cheating. And for chrissake, don't compare yourself with porn stars! 

From Kat
I just had a baby 7 weeks ago and have been struggling with my body image, I was very skinny when I met my fiancé and he was always all over me, well now I am about 20lbs heavier than I was back then and we still have sex together but he doesn't initiate as often, I have made myself avail to him all the time since 3wks after having our baby so that he wouldn't go without and yet I've caught him 3 times watching porn in 2 months and I know there are more times I haven't caught him, the first time I cried and told him it made me feel unwanted and he promised to not watch it again and here I am, the morning after catching him with his hand on it again! 

I feel gross, unwanted and most of all I worry that this will lead to more, strip clubs, cheating...? He had never watched porn before I got pregnant because we had sex 2 times a day! I would still do so but he's not always "in the mood" HELP.

From Anonymous
Well Halo, [see Halo's entry below] maybe he IS just curious. I've looked up stuff like that as a young female, for curiosity's sake. Which is not to say humans aren't naturally fascinated by all manner of shocking things, like following a murder trial on television. 

On the other hand, maybe he does secretly fantasize about preteen girls. The best you can do is confront him with open dialogue, and then decide if you trust his response.

From Sue
Good grief, Halo, [see entry below], do you really want to be sleeping with a guy who gets off on kiddie porn and rape? You know exactly what to do - get rid of him. That's what your dreams and your uncomfortable feelings are telling you, rather loud and clear I might add. Better to get out of that relationship then try to fix it. 

From Halo
I don't have a problem with most porn. But I have always thought of it as a couples or a completely single activity. But my boyfriend of two years had made me change my mind, now I am fine with most of it but I still have two problems. 

First he won't watch it with me, why I don't know but when I suggested it he said, sarcastically, oh yeah that would be loads of fun! And now here is my real problem: he looks at things that are not legal - bestiality, preteen sex, and rape. I confronted him on the bestiality and he said he just wanted to see if it really was out there so I let it go but a day later he kicked me off of his side of the computer. 

Well a few days ago he left his side on and I saw rape and preteen sex as some of his google searches now I am really worried and am having HORRIBLE dreams about this. Can anyone help me? I don't know what to say or do but I am really bothered! Please help if you can.

From Extremely Jealous Female
My boyfriend says he doesn't need sex that often and that once a week is fine with him but then I find porn that he has hidden with a portable DVD player in the bathroom so does that make any sense to you? If he can't even satisfy me sexually (meaning quantity not quality) then why in the heck is he wanking off to porn?

So the only thing that makes sense to me is that he isn't attracted to me so he has to watch other little 80 pound skanky whores in these movies to get off because I guess I don't turn him on. And it all has made me extremely jealous, and depressed, and if you want to say that I have low self esteem then I want to come back and say this: Well if your boyfriend  was not having sex with you as often as you want and then you found out he was wanking to other women wouldn't you have low esteem too?

From Anonymous
This is in response to Michael David. [see Michael's entry below] I agree that porn is okay, except for when you discover more than 1000 photos of the same porn star. That is what I consider infatuation! When I questioned my husband, he pretty much was unresponsive. 

I don't mind him looking at porn because I look, too. We both look at what the other has been checking out. But at nameless faceless people not a particular porn star. I argued saying that I felt like he was fucking her not me in bed and he says it's all the same. What is that? Bull.

I have been married for more than 20 yrs. We have a fairly good sex life. I'd like more but he is always tired. He'd like to watch two woman (me being one of them) but I refuse saying that that's what fantasy is all about. Sure, I'd like 2 men but if he is refusing that then no deal! Any thoughts?

From Michael David
Well enough women have spoken up so I think its time for a guy to weigh in. I have been happily married for 20 years; my wife was and still is my type of woman. She has a Kate Winslet kind of look and that is what turns me on. Nothing about my wife is lacking, her body, her mind, the way she treats me, I have no (major) complaints. However (knew that was coming, huh) variety is the spice of life. This is true for gals as well, maybe not about men per se, but we all get tired of the things we have and enjoy getting new things. Please don’t misunderstand me, I am not comparing women to objects, I’m just trying to illustrate that we all like the excitement of something new. We don’t want to give up what we have, we love what we have, but looking at new and different stuff is exciting.

So just because we look at a certain type of porn or a certain type of body doesn’t mean that is what we truly want. I have NO desire to be in a relationship with a teen girl, but I fantasize about having sex with young girls sometimes. Also, I have a little thing for spanking, but I don’t want to spank my wife because she’s not into that. Just as your fantasies are varied and don’t define you, our choice of porn doesn’t define us.

Women are not immediate, they take time to fire up for sex, and that is great don’t get me wrong, the firing up is a lot of the point. Sometimes we want to have sex or just have an orgasm and there isn’t time to fire up our gals, or maybe the time is inappropriate, or we’re mad at each other, or she isn’t home, the possibilities are endless. Porn is fast and easy. We go there, spend a few minutes and boom, it’s done. Sure, some guys spend all day there, but that is what we call a sexual disorder. It’s kind of like eating a candy bar when you skip a meal, or ice cream when you should eat lunch. Maybe it isn’t healthy, but it damn sure feels good.

I understand the objections and to an extent I agree with them. Porn can cause a guy to abandon his wedding bed. It is easy to allow it to drain away sexual energy that might otherwise be spent with your lover, so I think moderation is the key. 

I have a rule, I only allow myself to view porn no more than (and often times less) two days a week, and for no more than 30 minutes. I’ve found that works for me to keep my sexual appetite healthy for my wife. It’s just enough to get my blood up and keep me in a sexual state of mind for my wife as well. Some guys might be able to do more and still hunger for their wife, while others should do much less or not at all. If a guy isn’t having sex with his wife as much as she wants to, then something is wrong. My opinion.

Ladies, it is a release, it is just something that feels good and makes us feel alive. It is NO reflection on you whatsoever. It is visual fantasy material for men. Porn is just window-shopping for men, we aren’t buying and we damn sure aren’t doing any trades.

One last thing, how many of you gals have an orgasm with your husband every time without any mind-play? I mean, no visualizing another guy, another scenario, NO visualization at all? How many of you—who have been married for more than five years—never visualize when you have sex with your husband? Be honest. The stats are that most women (married more than five years) DO. Now, how do you think we would feel if we knew that you were thinking of someone else when you were having sex with us? Well…I know and it doesn’t bother me. Do I have a choice? Does that mean that you don’t love having sex with your husband? No. It's just variety, variation, the spice of life. 

From John
This is for Candie, who asks for opinions. [see Candie's entry below]. Sounds to me like you've got a self-serving husband who is thinking only of himself and his sexual fantasies. In other words, bluntly put, selfish. But I suspect you already know that.

I'm married, been so for 27 years. And I watch porn also, I truly enjoy it. But I know where to draw the line, and there isn't anything I like better then real live sex with my wife. I don't use porn as a substitute, but rather as a turn-on and it enhances our sex. Porn for us is a very good thing. But I have to stress that my wife takes pride in her appearance, she's slim, trim, and sexual responsive. And I also want to be the best I can be for her because I know she appreciates it.

Anyways, back to Candie; I would never ever put a naked picture of my wife on the Internet - never. Good grief.

From Candie
What happens when your husband purchases porn sites thru your entire marriage, and when he is caught gets totally defensive and angry at you. Then also asks for topless or nude pics of exs during the first 6 months you are married, all this happening at the same time.

Then you joke about being with another man while he watches, jokes, just talk, then, behind your back, replies to an ad or puts an ad out there for that type of thing, because that is my husband's fantasy, and does this without your consent and sends a nude private pic of you. Then defends it by saying " I thought that is what you wanted." Non-consensual advertising for that is wrong. But that is his fantasy, to watch another woman, his woman with another man. I am not into that, never consented to that, never wanted it.

That was 5 years ago. He still watches porn, either early in the morning when I am sleeping, or late at night when I go to bed first, on weekends mostly Friday, Saturday and Sunday mornings with the door locked, pays for several web sites, and has been for our entire marriage, and when asked about it, as recently as 2 months ago, denies that he is paying for sites when I can read the bank statements. He must have spent thousands over 6 years, that is how long we have been married. I would say he spends about 4 to 8 hours a week watching. I think he would watch more but he has long work hours Monday to Thursday so it would be hard during that time for him to do that.

And to those of you who say offer to watch it with him, I did, and he said no. And sometimes he has a hard time maintaining an erection when we do have sex.

I have a few medical problems that sometimes I cannot have sex, but those problems have been taken care of months ago and the porn went on before the problems and is going on now after the problems are over. He says he does not want to see me with anyone anymore, saying again thought that is what I wanted, but the sites he is going to, it is still a fantasy because that is what he looks at.

How does that sit with some of you? Any opinions would be appreciated.

From Frances Deadbeat
I know that it is easy to be jealous of the attention that he is giving to other women, through pornography. But I think what you need to be doing is to be pro-active and maybe consider looking at your own pornography. Hopefully this will at least partially alleviate your feelings of jealousy by being able to feel that you can 'get your own back'. 

You need to understand that you can erotically consider many people that you would not actually have a relationship with. A relationship is made up of many elements, it is not just sex and it is not just companionship. It is something meaningful an intimate connection with one person. So he may be looking at other people (or have looked at other people) and you may also have done so. But that looking means nothing more than a temporary convenience because ultimately it is the relationship that means something more permanent. It is what the two of you have together. 

The problem is that if you don't get over this jealousy then there may quite easily be consequences. The question you need to ask yourself is, is this something that I prepared to break up with this man over? If it isn't that important an issue then you have to start dealing with it yourself. Because if you don't deal with it then it could quite easily ruin your relationship entirely. 

I don't think that it is something that you need to involve him in anymore, because it is your problem and not his. Maybe you need to think about it in a different way... You are the woman that he lives with and loves and briefly while you, the real person he wanted to have sex with was unavailable then he used temporary substitutes. And obviously by the numbers none of them satisfied him more than a brief space of time. And yet you manage to satisfy him the rest of the time, more than any of those 10,000 photos. You should be proud of yourself for competing with and winning over 10,000 other women.

From Joe
My present girlfriend is the first woman I've been with who likes porn as much as I do. She says that she's been watching it since she was sixteen and it's always been one of her favourite fantasies to be in a porn film herself. As well as watching it together we really enjoy making our own home-made movies. She has beautiful dark red hair, a wicked smile and absolutely loves playing up to the camera. I think all couples should try filming themselves - it's a lot more fun to watch than the professional stuff where the actors often look bored and uninterested (and in the woman's case sometimes even scared).

From Jim
Yes, I have a suggestion for you, Jackie [see entry below]. First, stop trying to get pregnant. If you're having sexual problems in your marriage, a baby isn't going to make it better. Best to fix your marriage first, before bringing children into what could be a rocky road. And second, be open and honest with your husband. 

In other words, communicate; tell him you know about the porn on his computer, and you're not really upset by that, but concerned that he seems more interested in his porn then in you and tell him how that makes you feel left out and upset. Don't waste time on being subtle, tell him outright that you're willing to put in time and effort to make your mutual sex life exciting, but without his cooperation, it isn't going to work.