BDSM
How much pain are we talking about?

I have a real question for the folks out there who live the BDSM lifestyle. As long as we're not talking about an abusive relationship, rather one where one partner gets physical pleasure from pain and the other doesn't mind giving it, how much pain are we talking about?

See, my whole problem with the BDSM fervor is, I doubt the pain inflicted is real. We write stories about welts and bloodletting, but is that really involved? I've rented some videos that proclaim there's SM in them, but I find them laughable. I've rented videos that purport to teach me about the lifestyle, but I've spanked my kids harder than I see in those films.

And frankly, the idea of glorifying pain is offensive to me. So the question is, to those who think they live in a BDSM lifestyle -- how far have you gone?    —Dorothy

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From Clive
I think the biggest problem is, BDSM is lots of things to lots of people, and just because one person likes the Bondage part, it does not necessarily mean they go for the Discipline or Sadism bit, etc. BDSM films, like Porn films can only show actions, not sensations, so they tend to only focus on what looks good on the camera. In real life, why would you prefer to pull out and cum all over a woman back, rather than relish the feeling of it still being inside, BDSM is the same, someone gently running a freezing cold chain over a body, and delighting in the goose bumps, and shivers, knowing and plotting their next move, as they willing recipient squirms, is as interesting as watching a dominoes match on TV to anyone other than the people involved.

When my wife and I first saw and talked about BDSM, the idea of inflicting or receiving pain was so far removed from our personalities, that I could not even imagine trying it.

As time went on though, like any couple with an active sex life, we experimented. We started playing with tying up, and then added a blind fold, and vibrators. We moved on to shaving, copious amounts of lubricant all over the body, then added candle wax, ice, and liquid latex.

Next we moved onto Predicament bondage, where by, if she pulled one way, it tugged on one part of her body, and if she pulled the other, it tugged somewhere else or caused a rope to tighten on a body part. The anticipation of laying on a bed, blindfolded, while I work out where I will run the ropes, and what parts I am going to tie up, get her all worked up, She will hear sounds, and not know what I am getting out to play with, I will creep round the bed, so she thinks I am in one place, but when I touch her, or whisper/blow in her ear, I am somewhere totally different. to start with, once I was happy she was all worked up, and tied down, I would use a Vibrator on her, working her up more and more, until she found she was actually deliberately inflicting pain on herself, as it lengthened the orgasm, and made it a lot harder.

I suddenly discovered I had a devious side to me, that enjoyed watching her sexual torment, making her beg for an orgasm, as the final release from a really long drawn out wind up, and then quite often carrying straight on, after one orgasm, with out stopping, having her beg me to stop, only to suddenly orgasm again so hard she would cry out, and then they would just run, one orgasm after another, sending her into a quivering twitchy mass of super sensitive nerve endings. Once you have experienced this, both as giver and receiver, and enjoyed a session of euphoric lovemaking after, it is very easy to become hooked. The best part is it is never the same twice, so it never gets predictable.

Since then, we have kept adding to our arsenal of toys, we have Electrostim (For electric play), hand made floggers (suede, ball chain, leather, furry), different types and lengths of rope, Breast bars, nipple clamps, soft furry gloves with sharp nails, vibrating gloves, she has had her nipples pierced, and we now go and play publicly at a fetish club once a month or so.

My latest surprise came, after we had been playing for about 2 hours, she asked me to try spanking her bottom with my hand. Since she enjoyed it, we have turned it into a game of drawn out foreplay. The week before we go to the fetish club, she does things deliberately to earn spanks, making for a very horny build up to the weekend, then once we are there, I change how we do it, sometimes, I just give her the smacks, some times I give her that number, but separately on each bum cheek, making her keep count, and say it out loud. So I might do 10 on one side, and only do 2 on the other, before going back and doing another 8 on the first, now she has to try and remember that she has had 18 on one side, and only 2 on the other. If she forgets, or gets it wrong, we have to start again, or I might add 10 more on. We never just spank though, we always do a lot of sensually play first, which get the endorphins flowing nicely, and tend to find that the spanking is more of a wind down, leaving her with a nice hot, red bum for the journey home, as a reminder of the nights activities, we then make love, like the day we got married.

We never play hard enough to draw blood, make welts, and do not try to bruise, but once in a blue moon we get a bit carried away, and might leave a mark or two. Having said that, I can't believe that I now find the sight of a nice red hand print on my wife's bum such a turn on, and then as I rub my hand over the mark, I love the feel of the heat that radiates from it.

Since we started down this road, I have discovered my wife is actually an exhibitionist, can orgasm from having her breasts tied, and flogged, or her pussy flogged or cropped, and her bottom spanked, and rubbed. carefully placed pads and components of the Electrostim can send her into orbit for ages, and among many other things, that a pin wheel being run over her naked bum, sends her into a fit of the giggles, better than any tickling could ever do.

When at the clubs, we have seen loads of people play now, and there is a huge mixture of types of play, but a surprising number tend to go more for sensations, rather than just giving and receiving pain. I think the main thing is, if you start gentle, you will be amazed at the things you can work up to as the endorphins, and sexual tension raise. I find that I give out worrying that it might be too hard etc, as the giver, way before my wife stops being a willing recipient.

Until you have felt the total trust, and watched your partner melt as you run sandpaper gently over their breasts, and then jump a mile, when you put a piece of iced chain against the same spot, them thinking that it is actually red hot (but knowing that you would not actually do such a thing). Then watched as for some reason, they relax into the "gentle caress" of a sharp pin wheel running down their breast, and then across their nipple, only to then orgasm as you gently take their breast in one hand, and slap the whole breast with the other, you have not given a woman a real orgasm.

So BDSM is not just pain, it can be sensations, and like "Lego", when put them together in certain combinations, you can built overall combined sensations beyond your and your partners wildest dreams.

From Aviec Mour
I don't mind stating that I am young, in fact, I am probably one of the youngest individuals posting on this topic, but that does not mean I am without my experience. BDSM is what you make of it, and it is neither healthy, nor unhealthy, neither good nor bad. It is how far you take it, and it is whether one violates the golden mean of balance in their life. As a man who digs the masculine sex, I have both been under the lash and dominating another, but I have greatly enjoyed being on both sides of the fence. Also, in the throes of passion, have done some very risky acts, but the most important things, is it consensual. The only evil in BDSM play is forcing it on someone that doesn't want to partake. And it does involve a lot of trust between both partners.

It greatly saddens me when I hear of accidents happening in the bedroom, and that is the only negative of the play, but for me at least, its that sense of danger and unpredictability that I find the most appealing. So, as with all people, BDSM takes all kinds.

From Hwi Noree
I know movies and videos seem funny and non realistic now if you really try it you realize that the hard part for the Dom is to hold him/her self to inflict real damage the difference between enough and too much it's very tiny.

Now how does this work for me? I am not a submissive 24/7 or even out of the bedroom but this has worked in subtle and nice ways. Many harm themselves and their partners in "vanilla" ways. Here the codes are clear and you have your own inner issues clear. 

I use to get a cold or cut myself accidentally when I felt guilty about something right or wrong rational or insane. Since I have the chance to "pay" in a bdsm scene I am healthier in my body, spirit and emotions...believe it or not. My husband also has this but in the other side the need to restrain himself from doing real damage has made him a more controlled and happy guy in "real life". Hope this make sense

From Mark
My wife does what I want in the bedroom. She (her choice) does not make any decisions on sex. She enjoys being spanked, having her back clawed, and bites. This has led me to fisting her, anal is one of her favorites, and having her tattooed for my pleasure. Seeing how far I can take her is fun for me. Some things have not worked so we don't go there again. A good top knows the bottoms pleasure is in their hands. So you better do it right. 

I must say this style of sex was new to me. Now I get excited thinking of new positions, and if I see it's a bit painful to her all the better.

From Anonymous
I think BDSM is fine if an individual chooses to partake in it. It's a different story if one forces another to do something, but if both people are consented, I think it's fine.

Where I go with BDSM is avoiding things that belong in the toilet, and only going as far as one can without it being obvious in everyday life. An example would be being whipped as an "okay" activity, but being bruised in the face is not, etc...

Personally, I prefer the slapping & thin cane sensations more than the bruising ones. To tie someone else up and to be tied up is also fun.

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