What is a Dom...

Lover or wife beater?

What is the difference between a sexual dominant (or Dom) and a wife beater?   —Anonymous

"Things like the spanking scene with James Spader (in 'The Secretary'), I felt so protected and I was really trusting of James. So I felt excited and curious the way my character felt."   —Maggie Gyllenhaal

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From Remittance Girl
What's the difference between a dom and wife beater?  It's the difference between lending your favorite car to a trusted friend and getting carjacked in Johannesburg.

With one, you get your car back, sometimes waxed and often with a full tank. With the other, you're very lucky if you come out of the experience alive.

From Dan
Interesting topic.  It took me a long time to understand that at least in sexual matters I was definitely a dom.  I love to control my partner, bring her just to the edge and keep her there as long as possible.  However, my wife is a bit more into bondage than I am, we tried tying her up once, and I did not know what to do with/to her at that point! I finally managed to bring her to several orgasms which afterwards she noted were better than normal because she was tied. 

It left me feeling "I don't want to do this to anyone" - and my favorite fantasy is forced sex - again pointing out the difference between fantasy and "real life." I seem to have this quaint idea that women are actual real people and just maybe have their own ideas about things.  But to be in a dom situation with her sexuality and not hurting her and treating her like a human being is a terrific turn on for me. I love to give "one more orgasm" than she wants, or delay her orgasm or otherwise play with her - and she never knows what I will do for/to her, but I always will treat her with respect and pleasure.

From x
I agree with Kalliannassa: Dom/sub is not the same as bondage. I am in my late 40s and in a new relationship. My boyfriend is interested in a dom (him)/sub sex life, and I am thrilled. I have no interest whatsoever in bondage.

From kalliannassa
Why does it seem that dominant and submissive get so entangled (pun partially intended) with S/M? The two are neither mutually inclusive, nor exclusive. There can be control without violence or physical restraint. The latter is actually more difficult, and I say that only from the perspective of a classroom teacher. If I could physically restrain, or forcibly gag some of my students my class would run a lot more smoothly. Of course since I teach high school some those students would probably be too aroused by the experience/sight to learn anyway.... sigh...

I don't think I would ever tolerate an abusive relationship, and I don't care to mix pain with my pleasure, but after a long day of hyper responsibility, I fantasize about submitting my will to another, a caring responsible other.

A dom should be someone to whom control is willingly given, and who handles that control with skill and respect for what they have been given. From my limited knowledge a wife beater steals control through deceit, abusive language, and spinning the truth, then uses violence to enhance/maintain the control they stole.

Finally, if pain/violence is consented to in a D/S situation, and both parties enjoy, the rest of the world ought to let well enough alone.

From Cat
A dom is either a man or woman sho takes control sexually in someone's life. Everything before hand is discussed in what can and what can not happen. It is meant for the thrill, not to hurt anyone.You should never do this with someone you don't totally trust. I have been the Dom and the submissive. If you think about it the Dom cannot do anything unless the submissive gives the ok.

Both people are getting something out of it as long as it's played correctly. Does this always work? There is no positive in anything. When I was in my 20's had a husband who was abusive. This was scary and no where near pleasurable. It went on for a year. I had concussions, broken ribs and more. We were in counseling and I was trying to do the right thing. I didn't know he hit his ex-wife, too. But I did not stand there and let him just punch me, I hit back. I had abuse growing up and I decided that was enough. I finally threatened him in a way that made him leave. It was a wonderful thing. I guess I ended up being the Dom.

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