Is Cybersex Cheating?

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From Anonymous
If I were in a relationship (I'm single and unattached), I think I'd only cyber with my partner (if we were far apart, etc). But I wouldn't try to make that determination for other folks, I think it's something each couple has to figure out for themselves.

I think it's a very gray area. I have cybered with guys who are attached, but I wouldn't meet them offline (I have met one cybersex partner who was single offline). With the single guys I'm open to considering the possibility of a follow up meeting, but not with married or involved ones.

From Mare
Most likely Cyber-sex is cheating. However my husband should have thought of that before he starting withholding sex from me each time he became angry/upset-anything at me. Well now it doesn't matter, he can keep it in his pants for all I care. I met a "lover" on a Married But Looking site. We started out just chatting about life in general. He was the first one of us to take the plunge by telling me his fantasy about me. At first I was a bit shocked - then I let us go where he wanted to take us.

We have had quite a few phone calls and from time to time talk about meeting. If it does ever work out at a good time for us, I will be the first one at the airport.

But, my husband should have thought about what could happen. Now it has happened and who knows (I certainly don't) where it will end.

From bnk
I think that if we will remember a time before the Internet. Before computers and cell phones. We all remember looking at magazines. Being curious by nature is human. Is Cyber Sex Adultery? It is if you're married. To lust after another albeit mind or body is adultery. But, putting that aside. Why do we seek sex outside of our relationships? I've read stories here about women and men who state that they would love to give their partner what they're seeking online. Only to be dismissed. Look at the way that society as a whole shoves tits and ass in our faces. From clothing designers to food stuffs. Diets, buying a car, ....it is all based around sex. Sex sells. We all buy it. It is the nature of the beast in us to want that sexual experience. 

Perhaps we are filling a void in a relationship that is sexually unfulfilling. I would say that we are. I speak from experience when I tell you that I sought online sex at the end of my marriage. I knew it was over. I found that I interested someone. I made them laugh, and the sex, due to the fact that we were not eye to eye, was off the charts. However, if we had to deal with our cyber lover real time, day to day.. it would soon dull. Maybe not. I have no answers. I can only speak from experience and observation through opinion. 

In the end we move from one void to another. Because cyber sex does not last forever either. Maybe we are all too afraid to look at what has driven us to finding love with no face. Like living in a masquerade, ...it is a thrill. No strings. Yet strings all around us. Suffocating us to seek for air outside, in the dark...on our computer. A very edgy game at most.

From Anonymous
If you're married, and you're not sure if it's 'cheating' or not, then the simplest way of looking at it is "would you show your wife/husband what you are doing?" 

The instances that upset me the most are when a married person, who was barely online more than once a week, is suddenly available every spare minute of every day for someone they will more than likely never meet in real life.

That valuable time is being taken away from an established relationship, which takes work to commit to, and let's not even think about what it takes away if there are children involved!

I'm all for spicing up relationships, but 'together' is missing from a lot of these posts, and you can't tell me there isn't a 'place' for couples. Everything is on here if you look for it!

I'm all for men/women exploring their sexuality, again 'together' is the best way. Partners in a marriage will willingly show their weaknesses/bad habits around their partners, (from picking noses to eating their earwax) but 'hide' what can be the most stimulating, exciting areas within a marriage?

Sex on the internet, in whatever form, is the biggest industry on here, and it's for the exact same reason that sex is a huge industry away from the internet. It's one of the basic human needs, and almost everyone wants it in some shape or form.

If picking your nose, missing the toilet seat after a few drinks, or flushing your false teeth down the toilet accidentally, can all be spoken about, then where's the 'shame' in mentioning that the body we were all born with gets 'excited' over such and such an action? You might just get a surprise if only those words are ever spoken.

From Anonymous Guy
Where does one begin? this is a very sensitive issue. I should know I have been there done it, cyber sex I wouldn't say is adultery but anything beyond that is.

My story is different I met my friend about 6 yrs ago and we got on like a house on fire. I suppose if you have similar problems in life then you confide in people you feel comfortable with and to tell a complete stranger all your problems helps ease the pain and suffering. At that time I met my friend my marriage was fine and I told my net friend I was totally loyal --- oh how wrong I was.

Over time my net friend got me to exchange pictures of each other and we used to sit with our cams while chatting talking about sex and what we would like to do with one another. It was so stimulating and at times I have to admit I was so aroused by the content of our chats it stayed on my mind for days. Eventually we decided to meet up and she invited me to see her which I duly obliged. The time we spent was amazing and if the situation was any different I think we would have ended up together. She was a lonely housewife looking for some fun while her husband was out, while my wife was out. I spent many a day chatting to her sometimes up to 12 hrs a day.

We met and we made love had sex did all we said we would do while we used to chat it was amazing. If I could turn the clock back I suppose I wished I hadn't met her at all. Everything was ok till then but then if you have high expectations one becomes awfully disappointed. Would I do it again? No never.

If I ever meet anyone it would be because we connect as a couple not because we are looking to fulfill our sexual desires.

We all indulge in one off relationships, it happens to everyone, no one is perfect. I still keep in touch with her and we talk now and again but personally I feel used and betrayed. Word of warning: not everyone is who they claim to be, most have some sordid secrets. So people beware, you have been warned

From Apcruzan
I had seen this subject the other day on your web site and it wrenched my heart. I have been married 5 years and last year had found that my husband's web surfing had moved on to arranging an appointment with a "Tantric Goddess." A year later and once again I have discovered that for the first time he has been away from me in a year he once again set up a Session. Different city same crap all wrapped up as a spiritual event. Prostitution is still prostitution no matter what pretty package it gets put in.

I feel today that cyber sex, like all highly addictive things, can ruin and wreck lives. I am sitting here wanting him to fly back early because I confronted him when he got there. To be honest I just don't know if he will be able to overcome what is a very real addiction and even if he does I don't know if I'll still be around if or when he can ever stop. 

The ironic thing is that I grew up in a home of artists where erotica was considered art and some of my most treasured art that my father produced are nudes. So imagine my surprise to find that there are those for whom it is like drug.

My heart goes out to the those who have been hurt and betrayed. Today I know that I will continue on my journey no matter what.

From Anonymous
Hello my husband sent me this site it is very interesting. Is cyber-sex adultery, my husband and I disagree on this. I believe it definitely is. My concern about cyber sex is diminishing the closeness partners share. I am open to different experiences and would hope my sexual partner would explore their sexuality, my sexuality, and ours as a couple together freely. I think that using cyber sex allows the mind to stray too far from the partner you choose, why can't your partner share all!?

We could psychoanalyze this all day, definitely food for thought. Sex is in the mind as well as the body, I believe sex is self expression and it constantly challenges the limits of closeness. Why not allow the fantasies of the mind to play out with the body in real life. I think cyber sex is an avoidance of vulnerability with a partner, why is self expression with your partner not a safe place to go, whether it be a problem with your self or within the relationship it is worth examining.

After the newness and taboo of cyber sex wears the stimulus needs more and more to generate excitement which is unlikely found in your computer. Wouldn't the time exploring with a live person be more fulfilling in the long run? I think it would but of course some may never find out if closed off with their computer and private fantasies. You may not unleash what you already have in the ultimate search or more and not enough!

From Anonymous
I have been with my husband for 12 years now and we have 2 kids, and after reading some of the listings on here I thought I would write to say what my views are. I know that cybersex isn't actually physically touching someone (which in the law states that is what it has to be to be considered adultery) but like most have said when your partner choose to get his excitement from another woman/man it makes you feel as though you aren't enough for them. 

As far as the one post I read where the guy said that watching a woman with 4 men got aroused, but would not feel comfortable if it was his wife doing that. Well for all out there, here is a piece of advise: what you do your partner will do, if you venture they will too. For those that think it is not cheating think of it this way, how would you feel if you were the one not getting any from your partner or being asked to do something your not comfortable with, yet that is what you want to do with someone else. 

I have seen a lot in my 12 years with my husband, he has done it all (with the exception of physical touching ) and I can say this it is painful to me to have to deal with so much and when I ask him he says it's a man thing, it's curiosity, it's a thrill. Well this much I can say, he will have it come back to bite him in the ass later when I do what he is doing, and I will see the hurt in his eyes when I leave stuff for him to see exactly what I have been doing, it will be the same as him only he will see it differently. 

No need feeling hurt, you fight back with the same stuff only leave it for them to feel hurt and angry, all of us on the receiving end of the pain will return the pain in any means that we can, that is what we do, so remember if you think it is fun and thrilling and exciting to have someone else fulfill your fantasies so will your partner and thus ends my opinion.

From John K.
What does one do if one wants to explore C-sex but doesn't have safe access to IM-ing. (That is, his wife would not look favorably upon the activity.) Anyone else in that boat? My one time C-sexing occurred when the lady and I both happened to be online at the same time and we just emailed back and forth, quickly, and we both orgasmed, but I didn't feel really connected to the experience. I mean, it was a powerful illicit orgasm, but it was like brushing my teeth with leather gloves on.

From John K.
Yes, I believe it is. And, yes, I am guilty of it. My one experience (one woman, multiple occasions, Internet and phone) with exchanging intimacy in that manner left me feeling as if I actually had experienced physical intimacy. It amounted to cheating because it was with a woman other than my wife, and without my wife's knowlege or (certainly) consent. But the thrill was amazing. And, if I had another chance, I would do it again. I'm not even going to sugar-coat the matter by offering excuses and rationalizations. It was fun, even exhilarating.

It didn't start out to be sexual. I was talking by phone with a much-younger (22 years younger) woman who I had known casually some 20 years earlier. We were catching up on developments in each other's lives. She happened to mention that she was lying in bed, wearing a tank top. I wanted in the worst way to ask her, "And what else?" But I didn't have the nerve.

We also started communicating by Internet at about the same time. A week or so later, I screwed up the courage to write her.

"I hope you won't take this the wrong way ... That time we talked on the phone and you said you had a tank top on, the thought ran through my head that I wondered what ELSE you had on. Am I awful or what? I hope you won't think I'm weird or that I've overstepped my bounds. If you'd rather not answer, it's okay."

I cringed a little as I pressed SEND.

The next day, however, there was an email from Terri. In it she said

"Your question about the tank top was quite a surprise. But a welcome one. You know, honestly, I wanted to tell you on the phone the REST of what I was wearing, but I decided to stop with the TT. The thing of it is, it aroused me to think of you thinking about what I'm wearing. It really did. Now, do you think I'M weird? I'm starting to feel very close to you, you know, and it's easy to share stuff like that with you. It's fun. I want you to know all about me. Besides the TT, I had on light blue cotton bikini panties with little butterflies on the front. Would you think I was too bold if I said it would be nice if you could see them on me? Wouldja like to catch some butterflies? :-)"

Well, that's how it started. I asked her to mail me the panties, and she did. But by then we had talked on the phone several times and she came while wearing them -- she even held the phone down by her pussy and let me hear the sloshing sound as she fingered herself to orgasm.

From Anonymous
I can't say that I see it as adultery. It's more like a stranger that you can't see enhancing your masturbation. My husband and I are separated now (not because of cyber sex), but my cyber partner is married. He feels stifled sexually in his marriage, so I add some much-needed excitement. I like to think that maybe I'm helping to spice things up a bit in his marriage, that maybe he tries some of our fantasies on his wife.

In return, he has given me some rich material for my erotic writings. One of the pieces he inspired was even published.

I suppose it's all about perception, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with cyber sex.

From Anonymous
My husband has done this for years, and I without a doubt feel it is cheating. He knows how much it hurts me, and he continues to do it. He also at many points left me wanting sex, so he could go and "secretly" do this. I knew what he was doing, and it hurt that he chose someone else over me. He also took it to the next level and sent his pictures and received pictures of girls, had phone sex, and I've seen many messages of them planning to meet. He says he never really would have, but it's hard to believe the guy who only owns up to his behaviors after being caught many times.

I believe that it's easy to become addicted, and it's easy to involve emotions. I know my husband did. I know it made me feel horrible about myself, particularly when I was pregnant. My husband wonders why I'll never trust him, and gets mad at me for "snooping." The only reason I've stayed this long is because of the kids.

The sad thing is I am a woman with a high sex drive, and would gladly have given it to him any time. I even tried to get him to let me have phone sex and cybersex with him while he was away, and he closed up. I have to remind myself it's not me--I'm attractive, open to new things, and I do try to talk with him. But it is an addiction, that has ruined our marriage. I've only hung on this long because of the kids. I just long for the day I can be with a guy that wants to have real sex instead of with a phone or a computer.

From Anonymous
I believe if one person is not comfortable with it, they are hurt, or made to feel bad in any way because of it...it is cheating. If you're hurting another person to seek your own pleasures then you have over stepped boundaries. I believe that if both people are comfortable with it and don't care, then for them, it is more an open marriage and that is between them on whether it is cheating.

I think we each see it so differently. I am hurt constantly by my husband looking to chat online with women or looking up women profiles...I have talked to him about how it makes me feel and yet he continues. I feel lonely, ugly and not good enough. I have tried joining in and doing it myself, but feel that sharing thoughts with another person and pictures is much too personal. Your sharing a part of yourself that is personal. Sharing thoughts even nude pictures is deeper for me...but then I am more emotional than some...it touches on things that I feel I should share only with the person closest to me. 

Maybe I am prude. But here I sit watching him do this and feeling hurt and lonely...close to walking out the door because I don't want to feel ugly or not good enough. I have tried them all....kinkier in the bedroom, wilder sex, sexier love notes....but it is not enough and for me its became too much. When a person breaks that promise to stay away...there is another line crossed. 

So I think different people, different tastes but its not for me and I am not comfortable with it. Too many hurts, too many broken promises, and too much loneliness. So all in all...for ME it's cheating, but for others if both are comfortable..then go for it and have fun! Just be careful!

From Paul J. Wilson
I believe that cyber relationships/cyber sex is a very very good thing. But crucially it depends on the state of mind of the two people participating in it. I am 34 year old male and have a wife and children. I come online and 'meet up' so to speak with women online as a means of escape. I however (in my own mind) realise that there is no way however good the lady I am chatting to etc sounds, that you cannot really know a person at all onscreen. I base the text they send me as 'just words on a screen' and anything done on cam as 'just a stranger' . This sounds cruel but it is my protection and my families protection against me getting any ideas about going AWOL from my family! 

I have had some fantastic experiences online where the lady has had orgasm after orgasm from just what I type and that turns me on to think I am sensual enough to do that. I also expect the lady to be like me - respect me but remember I am just words on a screen/ a stranger on cam. If both parties believe this then there are no boundaries to what you type and see, its healthy, its an escape and I certainly believe in it. 

However, dangerously out there there are people who are lonely, have mental health problems, have problems in their relationship and go online to patch up or fix these problems. This is where the trouble seems to start.

Some people say that it cannot be as good as having someone in a room to touch and feel them? I do not believe so, sometimes the build up, the flirting, the words or what you can see on cam can be amazingly exciting more so than in the flesh.

So all in all obviously cyber gets a big thumbs up for me. As an escape, creative writing, physical exercise and love for women long may we cyber !

p.s. anyone interested please email me at....... only kidding!

From FireAngel
Yes, cyber sex is adultery if that is how you feel about it. I have been with my partner for almost 8 years and we are happy. What makes us so happy? Cyber-sex, we both have our own computers and we are connected through a network. But both of us have our own friends that we talk to and sometimes are intimate with. I am an erotic writer, I write as a hobby, but my favorite way to write is inter- active with a partner role-play and also one on one. I have had several online relationships, one was quite serious.

As long as you don’t hide it from your husband and lover, it can be beneficial. I will say for the relationship that had became quite serious, I took a 3 year break where I didn’t chat with people online, nor did I write and that put a big strain on my real life relationship, because I was unhappy and depressed. I have started to go back online and write again. I have a couple friends who I chat with from time to time and one I write with regularly, my sex life has improved, I am not depressed any more and I am back to being happy. Cyber-sex in my opinion is habit forming, but I have vowed not to let anyone get as close to me as the one who broke my heart did.

I think you have to be secure in your relationship to allow your partner to play online. Did I make my partner stop cybering when I had quit for those 3 years? No, he continued to play online and it allowed me to heal. I thank my partner for understanding and being supportive of my online relationships and I will continue to support him with his. We each have different fantasies and explore those with people who have the same. It keeps us home and together, believe me, it has enhanced our sex life.

My serious cyber partner passed away, we were very good friends and it really hurt to lose him. That is my opinion on the subject. I think you have to use common sense, and no one is really going to agree. But if you have to hide it from your partner, than it isn’t right, it is cheating and wrong.

From Anonymous
Had the most sublime erotic online relationship with someone. Our mutual love of the sensual, the art of love, seduction, and writing made for some of the most beautiful and powerful experiences we'd ever had.

We kept our real worlds and that world separate for the most part, though at times it was difficult.

One day I slipped, my emails couldn't help but show that he was now part of my world; I was walking around thinking I was in love with two men, my r/t partner and him, regardless I had no desire to meet. He must have sensed it in my writing as one day he was gone. He didn't even come back to say goodbye. Guess I'm just one of those women that even in the online context, can't separate love from feeling, from love of the whole man. Very painful. Am keeping my love of erotic and sensual expression through writing to my private world now.

From Definitely Not Saying
Basically I agree with the comments saying cyber-sex is just another way of masturbating.

The fact that it is with another real person is being made up for by the whole thing being totally anonymous (the only thing you will ever find out about the other person is an IP address if you want to keep it that way). It combines the thrill of having sex with a complete stranger and the safety of being anonymous and not having any physical contact.

As for being honest about it to the partner - well - I have not gone ahead and told her, but when she asked me about it (I told her I did this in my last relationship, and she knows my porn-collection and watches some of it herself at times), I admitted I had done so on a weekend when she was away. She was hurt - yes. She did understand the thrill but didn't approve. It wasn't a total drama, she was just sad. BUT in the end I think this is something very personal - like masturbation - and sharing the fun with someone else is like a deal you help each other raising the excitement, getting turned on more, and you each take your fun out of it. Period.

When I do it, I am also 100% aware of the possibility that the person on the other end is pretending to be something (s)he isn't, but since I like to start things slow I am confident I could identify most "fake girls" just by the way they talk.

And even with a real woman behind the comp, I also am aware of the fact she MIGHT be quite ugly - but since I am never going to find out, as long as they are creative in chat, I couldn't really care less - even though I consider myself quite a handsome guy.

For me, there have never EVER been any emotions involved in cybersex (while I was in a relationship) - it was all pure, exciting playing around. And that's what it's gonna stay like and as long as the other person doesn't know neither my face, my email, address, name or phone number, I seriously consider this absolutely MY privacy.

I know I wouldn't mind if my girlfriend did it, and it would probably even turn me on, since I trust her not to take it to the "next level" in the same way I never would. Our sex life never suffered from it neither (and I only did it like 5 times in 1 year - though if we have some disagreements and thus less sex, I find myself looking for some online entertainment ;) and I really think no one should feel (s)he HAS to tell their partner about this - unless you take out the anonymity or find you get involved emotionally. No partner has the right to control your fantasies, it is 100% up to you how much of those you share with your partner. 

Will repeat myself: As long as you don't give anyone in the whole world a chance to have any influence on your real life by giving up anonymity, cyber sex is a very private thing about which you don't have to share information with anyone. It is NOT cheating on your partner.

From Daniel
Unfortunately, the level of sacredness which couples today hold their relationships varies quite a bit. But in the deepest sense, I believe that even pornography violates that space, especially when done alone (and I have been guilty of this myself). But when you engage another in mutual sexual experiences, rather you communicating by computer, across a phone line or across a room (say, mutual masturbation in person) you are still sharing yourself on a sexual level with another person. You are sharing your thoughts, feelings, fantasies and sexual energies. You are describing things that you are doing to your sexual organs or (when webcams are involved) even the images that only your lover should see. This is clearly an affair by any but the most skewed sense of the word.

But part of cheating is denial. We can't do what we do if we allow ourselves to be aware of how deep our betrayal is. I have been on the receiving end of this and it was what finally destroyed my marriage. The feeling of betrayal was very deep for me so much that I can’t even describe the feelings of devastation.

So I ask all of you, men and women, please consider your loved ones before allowing your lust to drive you to do something that can cause such deep hurt. Think about the children (if there are children in your lives) who will be devastated by the destruction of the relationship between the most important people in their lives. Even after the divorce is over, the wounds still take a long time to heal. The scars may fade, but they never go away.

From Roxi
Yes, sexual activity/arousal/release with someone other than your spouse or significant other is cheating, unless he or she has agreed that yours is an open relationship with outside companions—online or otherwise—are permitted.

Fantasies, porno mags are passive; cyber sex is active, with another live being. Therein lies a key distinction.

From Chloe
Adultery begins in the heart. The physical aspect is almost of secondary importance. You don't have to have literal sex to be unfaithful or intimate with another. When your heart, mind, body or soul is turned away from your mate and towards another person, you have committed adultery.

From Anonymous
I am not sure cybersex is adultery unless it becomes physical and or takes time away from your family and spouse. It is extremely exciting for me to share pictures and sexual desires with a woman who wants me to. It is an exciting fantasy and gets me hard thinking about it. The hot sexy lady who is giving four men what they need in fantasy is awesome! I would worry a little if it were my wife since there are four to one... 

But to have a woman want to know how to touch you and talk to you and show you through pictures and words how she wants to be touched, and pleased is not wrong in my book, it is human interaction and is how we should love and learn about each other. Who does it hurt as long as it is communicated that it is fantasy, it is private between consenting adults, the adults are honest with their partners and spouses and it does not interfere with reality. 

I understand this may be a little naive, but I believe it is possible. I want to share and satisfy other woman through thoughts and pictures but don't want to hurt my spouse because I love her dearly. I cant explain this, it just is! My wife and I have incredible sex but I need it more than her and I only want it when she wants to give it i.e. I will not chase after it when she expresses little interest. 

The biggest problem with cybersex in my opinion is that you really can get burned by others who are not honest about who they are and why they are talking to you. How would you feel if your private emails to your hot cybersex partner became public via email or the internet. Some people think they have a right to expose those who do things they disagree with. I wonder how they would feel if someone took pictures of their intimate private sex and plastered them all over town? How would that be different? They would be just as ashamed and feel dirty for being human.

I guess the point is that cybersex is an individual decision and a risk. If you can separate fantasy from reality I think it is a beautiful thing and can be extremely satisfying, but if not or if your not willing to take the risk that the self righteous will out you, you're playing with fire and you will get burned.

From Grotpig
My wife has been having text sex with several men since I bought her a cam phone. I feel cheated on by what she has done it got to the point that I threatened her with divorce. The content of the messages upset me most pictures of blokes wanking over the thought of my wife and her replies telling them what she would do. I asked her several times to stop but she continued. 

One message hurt me most, she said she would meet up with one of them telling them that she would say she was stopping at a friend's for the night. I confronted her about it, she said she wasn't really going to meet up with them. Now I'm keeping a tight rein on her and now she has promised to stop texting them. Time will tell if she is telling the truth.

From Lucretia
If cyber sex is adultery, than so is fantasy, so is pornography. Despite the fact that this subject gets a little controversial because there are "real people" involved, IT IS NOT REAL. True, some people seek each other out and MAKE it real, but talking to someone on a computer is not having sex, so matter how exciting you find it. It’s just an advanced form of masturbation. 

The people in a pornographic movies are real too, but no one considers it adultery until it begins to interfere with the primary relationship. The same applies to cyber-sex. It is only a fantasy, until it begins to impede on the primary relationship. 

The problem with cyber-sex, is first, that is more realistic to imagine that your cyber-lover may become real, than to imagine that the man or woman in the movie or magazine will really fall into your arms someday. Secondly, because most people don’t follow up the porn-fantasy with a continued fantasy of talk about your day, how much your s/o annoys you, and how great the "sex" was. So it becomes easier, once you begin involving the day-to-day stuff to imagine that on the other end lies your perfect mate and that you are "in love." That is when the boundary becomes thin. 

Adultery is often as much what is in the mind as what the body is doing. Two friends may hug or kiss and have it be perfectly platonic. Or they may simply pass a glance across the room that is anything but. So remember ladies and gents, when you are once again swooning in your cyber-lovers arms wondering why your primary can’t be more like them, it’s the thrill of the forbidden at work. Your cyber-lover farts, burps, snores, has annoying habits and insensitive moments just like your current partner, and giving up a good thing for something fake that you think will be better could end up a disaster. And above all, IT’S NOT REAL!

From Brett
I engage in a number of different kinds of written exchange with men and women over the Internet. The topics vary, ranging from the principles of children's education, to fetishistic sexual practices. I am at a loss, as to why only one of these combinations of form and content might be considered "adultery," particularly when none of them involve so much as visual contact, much less any touch or personal relationship beyond the conversation.

On only one occasion have I met any of the persons with whom I have shared a cyber-sex experience. It was not "adultery" when we met, or when we shared RL sex, as neither of us was attached to another. In fact, she is sitting next to me, right now, and agrees with me, in saying that the verbal act of cyber-sex is definitely NOT adultery, in and of itself.

From Donny
I can't really say for sure this is a good thing or not , but to each their own.

I met this girl from Germany on yahoo messenger one night, was just surfing the chat as I do from time to time to watch people act silly from one mixed drink to the next. We both talked for a long time that night, telling each other of our "life's stories".

Hours went by as minutes, then weeks as days, cause when your having fun time fly's like there's no tomorrow. Wasn't really looking for anyone at the time because of coming out of a very bad break up with a cheating wife.

But I guess in this world things happen for a reason.... And after a few days or weeks, I notice that I was starting to see something happen here between the 2 of us... not only my self but her as well.

We were falling in Love with each other! Feelings came flooding in our hearts and souls as if we were both new at the game.

I never have been able to talk to anyone the way I do with her. She has been able to open me up in such a way that no one on this earth has ever done. And for the most of it coming from a guy in Alaska , I have truly fell MADLY in Love with a very elegant lady that most guys dream of . She satisfies my everything that I have dreamed of in always.

The only thing that is really painful here is we both live in different parts of the world . Some time this spring I plan to visit her for the 1st time. I can already see my self getting off the plane and laying eye's on her for the very first time, in state of mind that the only 2 beings in this tunnel trance of love.

I have never had this thing called "cyber-sex", just seen it or heard of it happening to other people. And for the most part of it , I guess there's nothing wrong with it, in fact it's a very good thing in one way . But in another, it'll never replace the feel of smooth silky skin on skin.

And this line is for the Special Lady that I have fell so deeply in Love with.... Gabrielle.... I Love You!

From Rhiana
"And if my thought-dreams could be seen, they'd probably put my head in a guillotine ..." One of my favorite Bob Dylan quotes.

If cyber-sex—which is purely an exchange of written words between willing participants—is cheating, then I guess we have to ask if masturbation is cheating, if reading erotic stories is cheating, if fantasizing about another person while having sex with your partner is cheating.

I still think you have to be very careful about the boundaries you're willing to cross when it comes to cyber- sex. Despite the fact that it is merely an exchange of erotic writing, cyber-sex involves real people, personalities and emotions. I participate in several websites similar to this one, where the people are intelligent, articulate and often very interesting to someone like me. In spite of that, I could not comfortably engage in cyber-sex with any of them. That would be involving myself too intimately with someone I've never actually met, and such an encounter could lead to disappointment on one side or both.

If I were married, then I would be even more conservative in separating the intellectual/emotional side of my internet life from my sexual fantasies, to avoid the possibility of a real and hurtful adulterous relationship developing from the encounter.

When you pledge faithfulness to your partner, aren't you normally just pledging your physical exclusivity to that person? I know different people have different ideas about what constitutes faithfulness. Some women (and men) are only slightly annoyed if told of a partner's physical infidelity, but become hopping mad if told that an emotional relationship has formed between their partner and a member of the opposite sex. There all kinds of definitions of infidelity—maybe there are as many definitions of it as there are people. This is something that needs to be discussed with your partner before you enter into the contract of faithfulness. It ought to be mutually agreed upon between the two of you.

I don't think there is any hard-and-fast rule when it comes to unfaithfulness, that can be applied across the board to all couples and all situations.

Cyber-sex is mutual masturbation with a medium of print, and perhaps pictures. That's really all it is. No touching is involved. I find it singularly unsatisfying, and I have indulged in the pleasure probably less than five times in my life. My own imagination and the carefully written words of practiced writers are far more stimulating than an anonymous encounter with a person I'm never going to meet.

From AndHobbes39
This is a very tricky issue. And until I got into a relationship I would have quite easily said "no, it's not cheating; it's just another form of pronagraphic release". But my boyfriend loves cybersex - he doesn't engage in it instead of sex with me, but as well as. My feelings are mixed because I don't like the idea that he's getting sexual stimulation from pretending to have sex of any sort with anyone else. It makes me feel inadequate, that he needs this outlet because what I can provide doesn't fulfill him. But I know he will deny that. Our sex life together is amazing - I know that for a fact. It's just that I don't share his passion for cybersex.

I'm sure that if I did, I wouldn't be at all worried about it. But it remains that I am concerned. It undermines my self-confidence, but I can't decide if it's because what he's doing is inherently wrong, or simply because I choose not to embrace it.

On a purely intellectual level, I cannot fault his behavious and I would even argue in his favour. But emotionally, personally, it is something else entirely.

Am I alone in my confusion?

From Pbr
Phone sex, cyber sex, etc. as Adultery - while either might increase the probability of adultery, neither can, nor should be considered adulterous unless couples are so rigid as to expect to dominate the entire field of their partner's thoughts.

Whether erotic play (into which such pre-adulterous activity falls) that is sexual in nature leads to actual adultery is much like asking whether political play (concentration upon political issues, etc.) leads to running for office.

For each person, the seduction of future action has boundaries and limits which are personal, and hopefully, respected to be possible. Otherwise, marriage becomes captivity not alliance. Free will in humans means to have the freedom to set boundaries according to beliefs and to not be required to set them according to someone else's beliefs, or to the parameters of social pressure that requires a one size fits all population. Isn't that what freedom of religion and tolerance are all about?

Respecting a civil society presumes there is one to begin with, defined by freedom, not by restrictions, and biased penalties.

From Vi
I think cybersex could be considered cheating if its taking you away from your real life relationship sexwise. But lets say a husband or wife isn't having sex with their spouse not by their choice but cause of their spouse's choice then I see cybersex as a way of release and it can't be considered cheating or if the cybersex enhances the sex you have in real life with yr partner. There isn't any harm in that and I bet cybersex has actually revived sex in many a marriage.

From Anonymous
I had gotten into cyber sex over a year ago after being celibate for 5 years. It's funny how you can find comfort after waiting in frustration for so long. I had been always busy with my kids and my job being a single mom. I didn't enjoy the empty feeling I had gotten afterwards at first because it was almost like a one night stand. I then started dating someone in real life but he was not a cyber partner, just someone I met. That didn't work out well after four months so I got back into the cyber sex.

One partner I found was someone I actually felled in love with. I wasn't truthful at first, but did come clean. He was of another race but stated he didn't care. We talked on the phone on rare occasions and even discussed marriage. I thought he was my soul mate and even thought I could feel his emotions. But after a few months, he stopped emailing me and I didn't see his screen name for several weeks. I even tried to call him but there was no answering or it was busy. I felt hurt and would find myself crying and feeling empty. One night I searched for him and met someone else. He was sweet and romantic and we became partners then. I decided to just not become too emotionally involved and keep things at a distance. We are good friends and rather have it no other way.

From Anonymous
Sure, cybersex is cheating. I use it as a much more convenient substitute for three-dimensional cheating. My wife of many years has discontinued sex and I am uncomfortable with no sexual activity. I won't discuss her reason but I accept it though I believe her premise is mistaken.

Cybersex is helpful to my imagination and my sexual appetite. I am in what has turned out to be a loving cybersex relationship with a much younger (single) professional woman (whom I will never meet in the flesh), though we conduct it by email exchanges, not chat per se. Neither of us expects to consummate this relationship physically, but it contributes something of value to both of us.

I regret cheating, but I am not ready to hang up my libido.

From Bill
Last year my wife and I attended a funeral on Long Island, N.Y. The wife of a very good friend had passed away suddenly and we drove from Virginia to help in any way we could. At the funeral I met the mother-in-law of the son of the wife who had died. She asked me if I was British (I am) and we got into a conversation about the UK, the upshot of which was I gave her the Email address of a long time friend who was retired and would be happy to help her in any way that he could, including taking her to points of interest.

I remained in Email contact with the lady in question after she returned from the UK, we would pass forwards along, discuss her daughter and my friend's son and how things in general were going. It was a totally innocent relationship, the lady is a grandmother and I am 25 years her senior and our interest were mutual...how my friend was getting along after his wife's death, etc. I never concealed the fact that I Emailed this lady once month or so but my wife is absolutely flaming about it. She said how would I like it if she had a male Email pal. Would not bother me at all.

I had the same conversation when she discovered I browsed the web and sometimes looked into porn. How would I like it if she looked at porn. Fine, I couldn't care less if she did. I am 78, I don't need porn for stimulation, I can self start...I just happen to take a look at what is going on in porn now, and then.

I grew up in the times when you went to jail for having or viewing porn. The same people that still denounce porn did so back in the days when porn was scarce, under the table stuff. I belonged to a rifle club and frequently monthly meetings would end with a grainy, old 8mm skin flick. We had a Minister, a County Judge, the Mayor of a large Long Island town and a cartoonist for a large, well respected newspaper that were members of the club and enjoyed what they were seeing.

While the world has changed for many, many of the Depression Era people remain locked into the culture of that time. My wife, whom I love dearly, clearly sees Cyber Porn as demeaning to her. I have never asked her to do anything she would not want to do. We have a very active, intimate life and this is one of the very few areas where we see things totally at odds.

From Anonymous
Do your fantasies make up that person you hid from your mate? Do you say "I know this is not real, honey.", then take out your emotions when cyber-John can't get past your virtual yes, reality no rouse?

Can you distinguish in which arena you are playing games?

Should we all just give in to our lesser nature, ie if it feels good, ie slippery slope of addiction to that which, "HELLO", is not real.

If you cannot build, share or create what you need or desire in the real world, with the person you have committed to, then you are losing out.

Just another husband. who loves his wife, knows all the details, that she thinks he dosen't and wishes she had the courage to be herself , as she puts it, in real life.

From Simone
Cybersex isn't adultery - any more than having a sexual fantasy is, or reading (or writing) an erotic story, or watching pornography. All it is is an outlet for a person to enjoy their sexuality. Adultery, on the other hand, is forming an amorous relationship with another person when you've told your partner that you wouldn't - and that really doesn't have anything to do with whether or not you are engaging in any form of sexual activity with that other person.

I think it is a major mistake to tie sexuality to love so strongly that we say "if you are faithful to me, if we are monogamous, then all of your sexual feelings must be about me and me alone." I think that idea does a great deal of damage in society in terms of people's relationships, and also to the self esteem for many folks. Unfortunately, adultery is all about the nuances, and that's hard to draw a definition around. So I don't think this tie will be broken any time soon, but oh, how I wish it would be.

From Anonymous
This is a very delicate subject for me. I recently engaged in some cyber-ing with some people I've been chatting with for months. Each time I do anything with one particular person I feel very guilty about it. Reading thru all of this, here, though, gives me another concern. Is my non-sexual chatting with a person of the opposite gender "cheating" because I don't tell my husband I have a male friend I'm talking to? Why don't I tell him? It's complicated. My life is easier if I don't tell him. But, it seems the recurring theme is anything you keep secret is cheating. I keep secret the very rough BDSM fantasies I have ... is this some form of cheating? I keep those secret because I think my husband would see me in a less- flattering light. I have a lot of intense fantasies about certain actors, that I don't tell my husband all about. Is this cheating? I just don't want him teasing me about it (and he would.)

I'm not trying to be flippant about this, by the way. These are very serious issues for me. Is something "wrong" just because you don't feel comfortable telling others about it? I find cross-dressing men attractive. I don't tell my peers, because they would find that weird and bizarre. Granted, the marriage relationship is closer than a friendship. But do I have to tell everything, just because I'm married? I mean, there as aspects of my husband I probably don't really want to know about. Does that mean those aspects of him are "wrong" or are they just "private"?

From Michael
Wow! Great question. It is so wild. I mean this forum is not cheating and yet I don't really want anyone to know I'm writing what I write...thoughts feelings, etc. So if this is the case for me, just regarding erotic thoughts....

I guess my feeling is which happens to be the case in all things (cyber-sexual Porn, Nudity, eroticism, etc). If you feel that you can't get enough, that is to say, if you come home, hurry up with your dinner, say "see Ya later hon, gotta get on the Net" Then it is probably cheating because your finding that you NEED and CRAVE it. But we all do it some way or another....

From Anonymous
I've recently started to have cybersex with an 'attached' (his word not mine!) man, I met him on a dating site and yes if he was single I'd be over the moon and madly in love...but I know it's not going to happen so I've detached myself from that side of it. He's got a kid and has said he'll wont leave his partner as he loves his family, which is fine.

admittedly it took a while for me to come round to the fact that he was attached, but at the end of the day the way I see it is if chatting to him stops him seeing another woman surely it can't be that bad. He has said he'd like to meet me properly, purely for sex but that's a level I'm not happy with. The whole experience has helped me, it's brought out a side of me I didn't know really existed and really rather enjoy. From his point of view I don't entirely know, if I believe everything he writes then he's enjoying it (in a big way!), we only chat during the day while he's at work, so I know there's no (ok...a slim) chance of his partner finding out.

What am I saying, basically this...he loves his family but is bored, his partner has lost her sex drive and he needs an avenue to deal with this...surely cybersex is better than physically cheating?

From Anonymous
Only one person can truly answer whether cyber sex is cheating or not - and that is the husband/wife of the person who does participate in cyber sex - irrespective of what the participant believes!

From Yesiam
OK.. no and yes. I am married and have had cyber sex with no guilt many times. It never occurred to me that I was cheating or being adulterous.

I suppose it is up to the person having the sex.. in cyber space.. to decide.. is this pushing out my SO? is this lessening our lives together? If the answer is yes.. then .. gee I guess you should not do it.

It is a fine line.. and I am not going to define it for anyone else! Good luck.. all you cyber space cadets!

From Lori
I would have to agree that if you have a partner, or significant other, it is cheating. However, it can be beneficial to that real relationship. It can put a spark back into real sex. Or, it may help lead you to make a life changing decision, you would not have made otherwise.

Speaking personally, when my spouse and I began to have real life problems that affected our sex life, I found myself drawn to a man online. We did have an online affair, which caused me to realize that technically, my marriage was over, and it was time to take the proper actions. While we divorced and are both much happier, it would have taken me much longer to come to that decision and act upon it. While the online affair spurred that choice, I didn't leave my husband for the man online. My online lover and I do continue to have a friendly relationship, it has not turned real.

On the other hand, a very close friend, actually found her online affair put the spark back into her real life love life. Her online affair is over, but she has never been happier or more satisfied sexually at home.

From Colleen
This topic is not so black and white as all of you seem to think. I (and at least one of my cyber lovers) am married for the sake of my kid. DH is a very nice guy, but we are not a perfect match sexually. I am much more of a thrill-seeker, variety-loving person, and he is more of a vanilla-sex guy. But here we are, what can we do? We have spent the better part of our marriage at each other's throats, each trying to get the other to conform to his or her way of thinking, and it is not going to happen. We were making each other miserable. My cyber affairs allow me to be adventurous, wild, even slutty, if only in my mind. They let me explore my fantasies and aspects of my sexuality that make my husband very uncomfortable. They satisfy my need for variety and thrill seeking. They make it easier for me to be what my husband wants me to be for him, without feeling as if I am suffocating myself. In short, my cyber-lovers have taken the pressure off my husband and me to be people we are not.

My husband knows I talk to other men on line, but he does not know the details. I think he suspects, but does not want to know for sure. That's OK by me, because I am not keen on telling him things about my fantasy life that I know will only drop me down a notch in his estimation. I an not neglecting my family, spending money on a sitter, or putting myself at risk from disease or lunatics. Do I call this cheating? No, I don't think so. I am saving myself and my husband a lot of grief. Would I have to resort to this if I was in a perfect relationship? No, of course not. But for me, and for some of my lovers, it works. It's a balancing act, the lesser of two evils. It is not tearing my marriage apart, it enables me to remain in it, without losing my self. And it works for now.

From A-nony-moose
Is Cyber-Sex Adultery?  YES!! DUH! What else does anyone SERIOUSLY think it is?

Cheating on your partner ... is cheating on your partner, whether it's your mind &/or your body &/or your spirit.

If you believe anything else, not only are you lying to your partner, you are lying to yourself. Oh, and when you begin to actually believe those lies to yourself, it's called being "insane".

From Sappho
I met my cyberlover about a year ago, and at the time I had a fiancé. The conversations were at first just friendly, but after about four months they started getting heated. Then he turned on his webcam--that's when things escalated. So I watched him masturbate a few times, and we had cybersex a few times and talked about our fantasies.

Well, my fiancé and I broke it off, and my cyberlover and I got together and spent a weekend together. The sex was a great release, and we had a great time together. Well, my fiancé came back into the picture, and we hooked back up, and I told my cyberlover that we had to cool it down. And we did, although we still have normal conversations once in a while. It was a fun experience.

Do I consider it cheating? To some degree. If it's purely sexual, and just experimentation, then hardly. But if it goes as far as mine went, while you're still with someone, then definitely. As long as its kept anonymous and just sexual, then it's harmless fun. But it really depends on your partner's def. of cheating. My fiancé would definitely consider it cheating. But I know that it's not going to get out of hand again, so I don't worry about it.

From Anonymous
You're going to find as many different opinions about whether cybersex is cheating as you're going to find relationships. In my opinion, there's a yes answer and a no answer.

Cybersex is cheating if you are involved, if you present yourself online as you would in real life, and if your cyber partner is presenting him/herself online as they would in real life. That is when the potential for real relationships can develop.

However, if you are a 45 year old man who logs on as a 19 year old woman... There may be other issues to deal with, but there is no way that a real honest relationship could develop. Its just good, clean, possibly harmless fun.

From Anonymous
I have a cybersex lover, and no, I'm not single. When I first started chatting with my cyberlover, I was upfront about my status. I love my partner, and have never wanted to cheat. However, through my cyberlover I am able to discuss my interests in areas that I know for a fact will shock my partner, who is quite conservative.

Not cheating means that I will never explore this side of my sexuality physically. Having a cyberlover gives me the means to "experiment" a little, even if it's only in my head. Is it worse to talk about my interests to someone other than my partner, and maybe fantasize a little, or not have that outlet and perhaps go looking for a physical one?

From Amadom
I think a lot of these posts have hit the nail right on the head. It doesn't matter what you're doing, if you wouldn't want your other half to know it is cheating. This applies to more than just the internet. I think it's like visiting a sex worker. If my other half wanted to be lead around the place on a dogs lead (I wish) and he went and paid someone to do, it instead of asking me to do it, it's cheating.

It's cheating because you've shared something which was sexual with someone other than your partner. I think men need to be careful about lap dancing and strippers too. If he went with his friends then fine even if he didn't ask first. If I found out he'd been going regularly, on his own and maybe requesting the same girl each time I'd hit the roof.

From Anonymous
Depends on who you are, if you are one of the Clintons of this world, no I guess not, no physical contact from another person, got to love those loop holes. The truth is, that yes it is a form of adultery, and if your partner doesn't know, because you have chosen to hide it, then that is out and out cheating.

My spouse of 16 years had, and as I found out recently, has again cybered. I can almost handle the cybering, because I know he is fascinated and curious, but he took it to another level and got personal, and to me that crosses the line. He gave out his number and email address. The things I have found, through a little investigating and spying on my part, killed me. Their conversations were far more intimate than anything he has ever said to me. It hurts, and still hurts.

At first he denied, until I gave him the name of this person, their number and address. I was given the usual "it doesn't mean anything" speech and "its just fantasy". Call me crazy, but "fantasy" becomes "reality" when you know their name and number, who cares that they live on the other coast, what's a coast between "friends".

Well these fantasies are killing me inside. I don't know what hurts more the fact that he lied, or the intimacy he shared with someone else. I agree, I think there is something lacking for him to need this outlet, yet he says that isn't true...he loves me, again it is just curiosity. He says he will stop, but I have heard that too. I am trying to be open minded; I told him, if he has this need, let me in on it..I am hoping we will be able to get through this together, because it would seem crazy to end a marriage over cyber-sex. But in reality, the marriage would end because of mistrust, a side effect of cyber-sex.

From Robert
Interesting topic. My wife and I both participate in a heavily sexual online role-playing game. We both play characters that have intense sexual relationships with characters played by other people and have both found it really, really, really makes our own sex life extremely powerful and intense.

We've also found that it is a very safe way of getting out many of the fantasies (threesomes, orgies, domination/submission) that we don't have the guts to do in real life. For both of, there is no feeling of cheating and in fact we tease each other pleasantly about "her boyfriend" and "my girlfriend". On top of that, we both regularly chat with each others online partner and no one has a problem with it.

For us, it's just a nice and safe way of playing out certain fantasies.

From Cindy
I'm a recent participant in cybersex. After having a couple of my stories posted on line, I began receiving e-mails from men who had read them. Most, I think, just wanted to pass on a compliment and I was very flattered. But several have taken the relationship further, chatting dirty and asking for my phone number so that they can hear me orgasm.

At first I was shocked and a little scare. But intrigued too. What would make these men want to talk dirty to me or hear me orgasm? I have four men I consider my cyberlovers and each is different. Each needs something different from me. At first, I wasn't sure how to handle this type of relationship but over time, I've learned that these men are missing something in their relationships with their real life partners...something they are able to get from me. I've grown to love each and consider it a privilege to be a part of their lives, no matter what the capacity.

I'm also married and do not consider what I'm doing to be adultery. We're all looking for something. These men can find what they need from me, knowing that I care about them and am not going to judge them in any way.

From Anonymous
One aspect of these discussions that concerns me is that it seems to me that so many sexual practices become almost addictive; people may feel they're investigating something very innocently, and that adultery is not at issue. I think many people may put a toe into the waters of cybersex, thinking they can easily pull back, but once mutual sexual activity has taken place, I bet it's hard to back off.

An orgasm is a huge positive reinforce. And you end up with all these sad stories about the straying partner promising to stop and not being able to do so. And, like so many addictions, it seems that certain people handle it especially badly -- ie, spend more and more time with their cyberpartner/s, neglect their real life partner, neglect their kids, etc. It sounds to me (and in fairness I should admit I have no experience with cybersex -- because I'm afraid I would be one of the ones who couldn't stop!) as though people in committed relationships should be very wary of getting involved in this, and certainly should be open about it with their partners if they want to try it.

And a version of the Golden Rule is always helpful, keep in mind how would you feel about your partner doing exactly what you're doing?

From shadow_dreamer
For a person to venture into cyber-sex is an indication to me that something is lacking in the relationship or this person is one who is not satisfied with what he/she has. As for me I make it adamantly loud and clear I won't stand by and be taken for granted if my other half chooses to cyber-sex (phone sex also. I always say "put yourself in the other person's shoes before doing something because it may hurt and you may lose someone special."

From Chris
Hi one and all. I think that the main point is being missed somehow. Adultery is not a tangible thing, it is a perception. If I decide to cyber with a girl, and I know my wife would be upset about it..then it is adulterous. If I know that she would not mind...then it is not adulterous. Isn't it really that simple?

From Lydia
I met my husband in a chat room. I was single, curious and exploring the world of cyber sex. I cybered with a number of men. Had pone sex with some too. then I met my husband. We started as friends and quickly grew to cyber then phone. He was married at the time. One day we met in person. We both knew we loved each other. They ended up divorcing and we married.

After we married neither of us ever went back to chat rooms or cyber. Phone sex with each other continued as it was an exciting part of our relationship. My husband died a few months ago. Would I do anything different? Maybe. All I know is I met my prince in a chat room and for us everything worked out fine.

From BoldNSaucy
I was in a four year relationship with lots of sex, role- playing, & toys. However, my boyfriend would STILL get curious about other women online & begin straying. He said it was the excitement of flirting, that it would never go any further. Well, it was all lies. I found out that he was going to have one woman come over to MY home and have sex. Then, I was going to be told she was just a classmate from his college. He once drove to Alabama, in MY car, from Tennessee to meet a woman he met online.

Now, I do understand his intent was there from the beginning. But, the internet gave him easy access to women. The way I looked at it, I should be the woman of his fantasies, not the bimbos online. It took my leaving to get him to finally realize how much he loved his family and stop the cybering.

I have been on the other side of the coin when it came to cybersex. I was the partner with the the question, 'Why are you doing this?' He made me feel as if something was wrong with me, that I wasn't good enough. Whenever he wanted to try something different or what was considered 'bold, all he had to do was ask.

I guess my point is it may seem innocent at first, but, cybersex and phone-sex can be the first steps to intent. Think about it - when you're having cybersex or phone sex, you're thinking of having sex with THAT person. I know because I've had both myself - very single at the time. Some people may have the control to keep it online or only on the phone. And, if the partner or spouse is okay with it, more power to you. Just be sure because these 'harmless' flirtations online / phone can damage the partner's self-esteem and the relationship.

From Odonata
There are so many awful things that happen when communication breaks down (or was never present) in a relationship. People turn to alcohol, drugs, affairs, gambling, etc, to avoid dealing with the real issues they're suffering in their relationship. Instead of seeking out their partner, and doing the difficult thing of admitting to some need, or dissatisfaction, they run to an easy escape. It leads to very painful, destructive, hurtful behaviors. It is a very sad thing, in all cases. Cyber sex now has the distinction of being among the escape outlets.

Anything that is used as a vehicle to avoid the real conflict in a relationship is destructive. No matter what it is. That doesn't make the escape vehicle inherently wrong. It makes it the symptom of the deeper problem.

Cyber sex can be an outlet for fantasies that you're not capable of doing with your partner; interactive pornography; a place to test erotic story idea's; a place to explore sexuality; a way to have a 'clean' affair.

My spin would be as someone in a happily monogamous relationship with my first and only sexual partner, it's a way for me to learn about what other people like sexually, so that I can expand my horizons in the sack, with real ideas from real sources. For me, filmed porn isn't all that inspiring if you're looking for legitimate ideas for fun, and you can't stop an erotic story and find out what the man really likes about getting head. If I type it out and it gets me hot, and the other person hot, chances are it'll work out in the real world too. The worst thing my partner has gotten from my cyber sex activities is a better blow job, anal sex and a wife that's more willing to talk about sex.

Hurtful, awful things happen when communication breaks down in a relationship, but it's not fair to blame the messenger.

From Iindiigo
I cybered with my now lover before we got together. We had known each other from 20 years ago, back in junior high.

The connection we made online was first a friendship, then romantic and then erotic. And we established a deep emotional connection.

Yes, cybering is cheating if there is an emotional level to it. If it is for entertainment purposes, then it seems harmless. I also think it is cheating if your lover PREFERS to cyber with someone else than have ACTUAL sex with you.

It is possible to develop feelings for someone online, and by interacting in an intimate way with someone else, you are opening yourself for the potential of being emotionally involved.

I don't think cheating is just about physical infidelity. It is also about EMOTIONAL infidelity.

From Zaffen
I have been divorced for many years, nothing to do with cheating at all, and a disabled veteran. It was a tumultuous relationship which resulted in twin boys and a divorce after 20 years. The boys went with me as did the house which should tell you something. My boys eventually married.

One boy and his wife were interested in computers. They spent hours surfing or gaming. Then the Army shipped him to Korea for a year. I allowed my Daughter-in-Law and grand-daughter to live with me while he was away to help them financially.

It was a gradual thing of drifting apart on both sides but she was spending huge amounts of time online (12-16 hours a day). Surfing, chatting, cybering and it was not so much that she was engaging in the activity but rather that she tended to ignore my grand-daughter who, at 3 1/2 years old, craved her mothers attention and, of course, acted out to get it, but to no avail. The marriage eventually broke up.

I don't think it was a question of infidelity on her part by cybering but I saw first hand how it stole time and interfered with the development of my grand-daughter when a person is focused entirely on the computer whether cybering or not.

My conclusion: Cybering/chatting is not inherently bad or cheating if it is done with your spouses knowledge and approval. Provided it does not become an obsession or secretive to the exclusion of all other responsibilities.

From Sazerac
Yes. It is a release. One finds themselves smiling, breathing quicker, interacting, thinking, feeling, and, simply, involved. It boils down to it being about you. It's moments for yourself that you create and respond to. And is that so wrong? Not necessarily.

My generation was the first to have computers in school. I do not have such moral dilemmas about on-line communication, nor do I question it. It just is. I am defining it for myself every time I go on-line. And I like that. I so dislike when people say, in "real life", as if cybering isn't real. Check my pulse. It's real.

So I go seeking these "fascinations". It's so easy to be amused and enjoy someone else in this format, once you get past the ignorant, crass people. It's fun to talk about similar interest or write out what your movements would be.

But then, I'm not married. Would I have a problem with my husband up late hours, in the computer room? Probably not, since I am used to being on-line myself and it seems quite natural to me for others to be in front of a screen too.

Then it becomes a question of fulfillment. Is your partner keeping their word to you in daily life? Do you feel a "reasonable" (however you define it) amount of your own needs are fulfilled by this person on-line? Flirtations happen all the time. On-line flirtation is no different. It's a part of life.

So many people have commented on 1) I confronted my partner and 2) wonder why they aren't enough. These are damaging and silly thoughts, even though they weigh heavy on the heart. No one person can fulfill another's need, and you need to check yourself if you are expecting your partner to do this. Secondly, we as human beings constantly are learning, even with our routinized patterns.

I say it's healthy because it adds spice, if that spice is re-introduced into the relationship and the commitment grows stronger. There's no need to flaunt it though. Or a need for confrontation. I think a discussion on how much time a loved one is spending with one individual person on-line is the issue or the level of intimacy.

It's hard not to take it personally, I know. I have had many relationships with people on-line, all types. But I always put the person who is in front of me on a higher priority level. And everyone on-line should expect to be relegated to second priority.

So... if you have found your partner engrossed in this relatively new form of communication, have a talk. approach it as a unique socialite factor and ask that you come together to decide where your thoughts are, as a couple, are on it.

From nlj
Cybering your real life partner can be fantastic. People will often admit things online that they won't elsewhere and this can lead to all sorts of fun stuff.

From Christy
When my boyfriend & I started dating nearly a year ago, we each made a promise to each other, I would not have sex with other women (since I am bisexual), and he would not cyber with other women.

All was fine & dandy until sometime last January, I was bored and looking on his computer, and found a transcript of him and another woman cybering. I confronted him about it, he said he only did "so he wouldn't hurt her feelings" and that he wouldn't do it again. I believed him, and eventually came to trust him again.

Flash forward a few more months, and another transcript emerges. This time it's with a Cum_Slut on mIRC, and it's her giving him head. The thing that caught my eye was "stroking your lovely hair" and the like, things he never said to me. When I confronted him, he said it was a joke, and that everyone in the chat room he participated in was doing it with her. And again, he promised he'd stop. I told him if I caught him at it again, I'd break up with him.

Two months ago, I found out he went on webcam with a mutual online friend of ours who lived somewhere in Europe. He said nothing went on, and that it was perfectly innocent, that he loved me, and the like.

Ten days later, I found out the truth, he did cyber with her, telling her the different positions he wanted her in, and the like. I was hurt, I was enraged. When he came home from work, I confronted him. He immediately said he was sorry, and sent her an instant message saying he was sorry, but he couldn't risk his relationship anymore by her "temptation." Yes, right in front of me, he said temptation. When I asked him about it, he said it was to make her feel better.

He blocked her on various chatting programs, but never bothered to actually delete her screen name. We had arguments off and on about it for weeks, he didn't consider it cybering because he would never do anything with her in real life. I posed to him the question, "Would you like it if I had sex with a woman in real life?" He became enraged, he said that would be cheating because it was in real life.

He gets mad because I don't trust him anymore, and that what happened 2 months ago had no bearing on today. I asked him to stop visiting sex channels and to block any woman that hit on him. He said he'd quit the sex channels, but wouldn't block his friends because they were his friends and he liked them. I asked him who he likes better, me or them, and he said obviously me, but still wouldn't get rid of them.

I'm crying as I'm typing this because I know there is no hope ever for our relationship, I can't get over his cheating, and he expects me to trust him no matter what. He doesn't understand how much his cybering hurts me. I wouldn't have been so upset with him each and every single time if he came forward and admitted it to me, because I would of forgiven him, but instead, he lied to me, and wouldn't accept the blame.

So please, cybering -is- cheating if you promise your partner that you wouldn't. Cybering is personal, you're sharing your intimate details with someone who'll you'll most likely never meet, and who's identity is largely a mystery.

From Gordon
Well, I suppose this could be a toughie to answer. After all, it only happens in the mind, right (?) The problem is, that you end up investing a lot of time and thought into fulfilling your cyber relationship and I know, (I'd be the first to admit it), from personal experience, it can be very satisfying.

My marriage, basically, fell apart and after a few months of my wife walking out, I struck up a 'cyber' relationship with a younger woman and I THOROUGHLY enjoy it.

She warned me at the time that a lot of people 'out there' aren't what they claim to be, some ARE not even the same gender. Read other comments here and you will find at least one who claims (online) to be female and is in fact male. Imagine, if you will, the thrill of discovering that the person you've been making cyber-love to these last several months, turns out to be of the same sex and hence a total liar. Nice? NOT!!

So, you could get your fingers burnt, badly, without really trying. It can be VERY dangerous, a lot of people out there seem to just want to fuck with your head. The bottom line is that you take a REAL emotional risk online, when you first start, so be warned, it's not all hearts and flowers.

Is it adultery? Yes, it is. There's no other way to describe it. Ok, the sex is fanciful and exotic, etc, etc, indeed, it might be the best sex you've ever had, indeed, it probably will be. But, if you are already married or in a long term relationship, what the hell are you doing playing away from home??

The fact is, whatever kind of relationship you have, (married or otherwise) the whole basis of it all is that you stay faithful with your partner. I may be old fashioned, but can you remember something called trust?

If you are wandering around in cyber, looking for another partner, then that must say a lot about your current relationship. After all, if you were entirely happy, why on earth would you be looking any further?

So, don't kid yourself, that...'it's only in cyber, it's not real' because it IS real, every time you log on and, if you can invest that 'emotional' time with another cyber person, then your real partner is losing out on YOU.

Now I could go on, like any adulterer, to describe unhappy marriages or partnerships, as being the reason for straying away from the marital nest in the first place, but that is not the question. The question was, whether or not cyber sex is adultery, and the answer is, simply, YES IT IS.

How people can claim to 'divide' themselves into an RL existence and a CL existence is beyond me. If you think it, you THINK it, whether you are in RL or CL, it's the same brain, that thinks it all up. There aren't two brains, you've only got the one.

The only thing that MAKES it work, is down to the practicalities of the situation. If your cyber lover lives on another continent and there is virtually no chance at all of meeting, then perhaps you can have online 'fun' and not suffer any consequences.

The problem arises when you ARE both on the same continent and then arrange to meet. Then, you are just like a load of other RL people, who enter an 'ordinary' adulterous relationship. no better and no worse.

Sorry, but just because it's cyber, doesn't mean it's not real. you must take responsibility for your actions, whether real world or cyber.

From Tina
Five months ago I discovered my partner of seven years was visiting sex chat rooms. Where I previously trusted him implicitly, I am now completely paranoid and am finding it so hard to rebuild even a shadow of the trust I formerly had.

I caught him when he started a job working nights. I work during the day in a pretty high pressure job and started to notice every time I would try to call him at home during the day the line was constantly busy. I live 5 minutes from work - when I left home he would be in bed, when I tried to call him as soon as I arrived at work he was already online. Sometimes I couldn't get through for six to eight hours at a time. I began to wonder just what the hell he could possibly be doing online for 8 hours a day, so one night when he was at work, I went through the temp file directory on the computer. I expected to find he was looking at porn. I could see that he was logging into an email account all day long that was different to the one he emailed me from when I was at work. Alarm bells. When I kept seeing a handle "Sweet young guy_77" I realised what the hell he was doing. I then spent the next 5 hours going through everything, feeling sicker and sicker. I discovered he had been in this chat room ever

Then I checked his email account. Found addresses of about seven different women I didn't know, one email in particular from someone saying that they "really enjoyed their session and would love to do it again". By this point I was almost hysterical.

I confronted him, and to his credit he never denied any of it or try to play down the seriousness of it. Our relationship had not been what it should have been for a long time, and I don't think I am entirely blameless for this happening. We talked for two days solid about the issues this raised, he at first didn't feel it was cheating because of the anonymity and lack of physical contact. I felt that he might as well have gone out and screwed half the world. I totally felt cheated on, the intimacy of sharing his sexual fantasies with another real person made it worse than a physical encounter as far as I was concerned. I went to great pains to explain to him exactly why it was cheating and he says he wasn't thinking of it that way but can understand where I am coming from. He says he was bored and lonely, and felt detached from the experience. I cannot for the life of me understand how someone can share sexually explicit fantasy with someone who they know is real, and remain detached from that. 

He has stopped doing this now, but I can't trust him. He let me change the password on the email account so he can't get into it anymore, I am the only one who checks it. I find I am doing it compulsively - for the first weeks he stopped going online women were still trying to contact him, but that has now stopped. Instead of believing that it has stopped because he isn't talking to anyone, I find myself thinking maybe he has another email I don't know about. The paranoia is ridiculous, I just can't stop it. It is five months since he promised to stop doing this, and in that time I have found no evidence on the computer to suggest that it is still happening - but the checking is getting compulsive and is starting to make him angry because he says he isn't doing anything.

After reading every ones stories I feel lucky in some ways -he never lied about it after he was caught, he always answered my barrage of questions truthfully and I do believe that he knows now it was wrong. I just wonder if I will ever trust him again. I also get angry because I think that online chatting is something we could have enjoyed together - I am pretty open minded and before this would have done it with him. Now it is forever tainted for me, I could never do it now.

I think the important thing for anyone who is in a relationship and is doing/or considering trying this, is to make sure that both you and your partner have the same ideas about what constitutes cheating, and how far is too far. This is where we, and most other couples, seem to be coming unstuck.

From Cynthia
This particular topic piqued my interest as I've often had discussions with people online exploring this very question. To me, it is quite simple. If you're hiding this from your partner, worried he/she might find it hurtful or offensive, or if the time you spend with your cyberlover is more important than the time you spend with your own family, then it is cheating.

The real harm to a relationship when one partner is cheating isn't about sex. It's about the lies and deception that are woven to hide the truth of what you're doing. It's about treating a relative stranger better than your own spouse. I know. I've done it.

For Pilon who wrote about pretending to be a woman to meet lesbians in chat rooms. Pilon wrote, "I realize that I am not unique in doing this having met at least one other male who was doing the identical thing except he was posting his wife's pics. What surprises me about my experience is assuming that at least some of my encounters are with Lesbians who present themselves as bi or lesbian how little difference there is in the way we fantasize about sex"

 Now I'm curious. How would you feel if it turned out these lesbians were also men?   : )  Perhaps this is another topic for another list.

From Anonymous
Perhaps you'd say I'm not qualified to comment, since the only marriage I've ever been in was common-law, but I feel that a lot of posts are missing the point. I was in an open relationship for a long time, and the one thing that stuck with me most clearly, even after we all parted, was that the most basic thing in any relationship, sexual or not, is communication.

Why are you/your partner having cybersex? Is it because it's easier to escape into a world online created in two people's imaginations than deal with real life? Is it because you find it a fun and amusing past-time, something on par with a dildo for your mind?

If you are trying to escape who you are, trying to live in a fantasy, then cybersex is a crutch you're using to get through life, instead of dealing with your problems. Marriage is a formalization of a long-term relationship; if you're not trying to hold on to the relationship, then there is no marriage - just a legal contract on record at the courthouse.

If, on the other hand, it's just a playtoy, a thing you don't take seriously, no different from playing, say Diablo II or counterstrike online for recreation, then there's nothing wrong with that.

It's the difference between going to a strip club to see some pretty bodies, have some time with the guys, and enjoy a fantasy, or going to the strip club because you want to pretend for a while that everything going on in the relationship isn't happening, and pretend that you're single again, and chasing the girls.

don't go running to cybersex, or alcohol, or drugs, or strip clubs, or another person IRL if your relationship is crumbling slowly, unnoticed. Break out of your routine, and go do something with your partner, and sit and talk about it. If you don't like what you're becoming, tell him - and then change yourself!

Running away only makes things worse. Communication is the only thing that makes things better. And please, remember - communicating with your partner is not only talking, but listening!

From Anonymous
Hello All I was literally crushed when I discovered that my husband of 25 years was into cybersex. He still is. I found out when He wasn't letting me see the credit card bills. He claimed that there were charges that we did not make and they were being "investigated". I bought the story at first, because this had happened before. But when I did not receive the bill at all last July, I got very suspicious.

I called my credit card vendor and was informed that a payment of $200 had been made. I did not make the payment. I am the one who makes all the bill payments in my household. I called them again and requested the statements from previous months. I did not even understand what some of the charges were at first. I called some of the 800 numbers only to find out that they were "adult chat services". There were lots of them and high charges too. Something very unusual.

I confronted him. He asked me if I thought that he was the only man who surfed the web for porn. I told him no, but that I was very disappointed and hurt to know that he was doing this behind my back. We had never had this problem before. I asked him if it was me and he said no. I know that he still visits the pornographic websites because I check the computer.

We still have sex but for me it's not the same anymore. Whenever I leave the house and know that he is near the computer, I know what he is doing. He denied that he chats, but I don't believe him. I know that deep down inside he feels guilty but he hasn't stopped. He doesn't get on everyday, but I still feel it's an addiction of sorts. I have been on some of the websites he has visited and feel very degraded that he would even get on some of them.

I called a counseling service and they told me not to make a big deal about it because this is a very "common" problem with today's society. Well, I have made a big deal about it and I carry it in my heart all the time. No matter what I do, it keeps coming back to haunt me.

In my opinion, cybersex is cheating. I can't help but think that when he is making love to me, he is thinking about what has gone on between him and his computer images. It may be nuts, but that's the way I see it. Don't know what else to do. I can't let it go.

From Anonymous
I know that cybersex is a form of cheating... I am a single woman who has formed a relationship with a much younger married man.. IRL there is no way I would have formed this relationship.. I do not go out with married me. I would not dream of becoming involved in a relationship that would cause hurt to another person. But the story that everyone knows. I met him in a chat room and at first it was just a nice friendly chat. this of course progressed until we eventually went into a private room. I was intrigued by what would happen but could not believe the feelings this man evoked in me. I have never had such a sexual experience in real life. I have never had multiple orgasms. but at the end of the evening I thought I cant do this.. I did of course and it progressed to phone sex. We talk for hours about everything not just sex but life. I am truly in love with this man and know that the next step is for us to meet. But I ask myself where will this lead. Do I! want him to leave his wife and child for me. No. I know that this is completely wrong. without the net this would never have happened. I really don't know what to do. He says he has never felt about anyone the way he feels about me. what shall I do?

From Marie
I am in a very liberal and loving marriage. My husband and I both engage in cybersex (but not together) and I enjoy it greatly. I agree with Suze that the Internet has created a whole new plane of reality which enables us to connect with others in a very real way. To me, there is something very intimate and profound about sharing your deepest sexual desires with another, and then exploring them together.

With my first cyberlover, the sexual connection was so immediate and overwhelming that he felt compelled to write me an e-mail (after several hours-long "sessions" together) saying "you know we should talk next time. Get to know each other. That might be nice." (LOL) We did eventually get around to that, and as the months progressed we began to deeply share our realities as well as our fantasies with one another. I was going through a rough period in my life at that time, and this man's non-judgemental support, understanding and insights contributed greatly to helping me get through it. Eventually our lives changed, and we ended our sexual relationship, but continue to remain good friends. The part he played in my life, as a friend and cyberlover, and the deep affection I will always feel for him is very "real".

I currently have two cyberlovers, and their presence in my life enriches it and brings me joy. I never thought of cybering as a sad or lonely thing to do. To me it is just another form of friendship, another way of connecting with the world.

From shadow dreamer
I have to admit this is a tough one to decide whether or not it is cheating or not. I guess it would be considered cheating if your partner prefers to have cybersex with someone else than with you. It not only creates insecurity but it creates a problem that may not be easily remedied. I have participated in cybersex and found it exciting but also felt as if I was cheating. To me cybersex is the equivalent of cheating on your partner and says something about one's relationship. If it is consensual (mutually agreed upon) by both partners then I see no problem but if it is kept a secret then it can open a can of worms. It is not an easy thing to accept knowing your partner is having cybersex with someone else. Who knows, it can lead to more than just cybersex. It has happened and I've heard numerous stories from people that took cybersex and made it a reality.

Being with the same person does get boring at times which is why most people cheat (the "real" physical way) -- but sometimes a little "cybersex" with somebody new might be all you need to get a few ideas to spice it up. I think I might be upset if I found out my boyfriend had an "online lover" so in all actuality, I wouldn't WANT to know - keep it a SECRET, and if by chance I do find out, just make sure you reassure me that it is me that you love and it is me that you come home to every night. I personally have only had cybersex with one person ~ and although I was alone, it was probably the best sex of my life. Would I want to have real sex with this guy? Of course I think I would, but I'm smart enough to know that it is the separation of reality and fantasy that makes the whole cybersex thing so sexy. It is all "pretend" - and that is the very most important thing to remember. If you have confidence in yourself and know that you are giving all you have to your "other half", then you will be just fine!

From Keith
This is for Anonymous. She wanted to know what the big deal is if you never meet who you are cybering with and how it is different from pornography, which is not cheating.

Cybersex is a closer analogy to having a hooker than plain pornography because there is a real and active person involved on the other end. You are touching someone else's mind and causing them to potentially touch their own body, perhaps you are touching your body because of how this other persons mind touched you.

Ask yourself if mutual masturbation in person is cheating, or are you going to split hairs like Clinton did with Monica? Sex is sex, no matter how it happens. At least if you are doing yourself, all alone, there is not another person's mind that you can become so very intimately attached to, as is the case with cybersex. And as they say, the mind is the largest sex organ. Without it I wonder if anyone would care quite so much about sex anyway. Touching another person's mind in such an intimate way is cheating in my mind, and as you seem to have read from others, they think so also.

Turn the tables a little:

1) say your husband is fantasizing about a particular woman at work. He never approaches her and only keeps the fantasy in his head and never acts on it or let the woman know of his fantasy about her. Maybe he masturbates by himself while thinking about her, but still does nothing with her or even let her know about it. Perhaps she may even fantasize about him, but again never says anything or does anything about it.

2) now consider your husband starts talking to that same woman about his fantasies about her and then she about him, perhaps they even have a mutual private masturbation session or two, but do not touch each other.

Which do you think is more threatening to the spouse? Which do you think has a significantly higher risk of turning into something else? I say it is number 2.

Why is that? Again I say it is because they are touching each others minds in a mutual and cooperative way that silent fantasy does not permit.

Yes, cybersex is cheating and is very threatening to the spouse of the cheater.

From Anonymous 
I experienced cyber sex for the first time and I have never been so turned on in my life! It gave birth to and brought out my "animal". We reveled in fantasyland. It was a constant daily fever - what a rush. For me tho, it was someone I had met once and had been turned on by his brilliant mind.. We proved one thing - the fantasy is always better/stronger than the reality. Our real encounter fell flat. It was uncomfortable and embarrassing...and premature.

From Erich
Reading this thread has been instructive. It seems that the most reliable pointer to cybersex being adultery is secrecy. For people who are open about their on-line interactions with their partners, there is no thought of it being adultery. But respondents who admit that they are "cybering" behind their partners' backs, or the very hurt people who later discovered their partners' secret lives, it's another story entirely. If it's so innocent, why keep it secret?

From John
Well my subject covers more than cybersex. I am 34 yrs old and my wife is 36.We have been married 15 yrs now and have three children, my youngest only being 3 years old. I have been on the Internet for many years now but a year ago my wife started taking an interest in the Astrology sites. She got involved in one of the cults and she was spending a small fortune with them.

Their beliefs included things like astral projection etc. When I discovered this I warned her that they were messing with her head. She would not stop and 3 months later ended up in a mental institute as a psychotic.

When she was released from the hospital they gave her all kinds of anti depressants and other tablets. She made a beeline for the internet but this time she went into the chatrooms. At first I didn't realize what was going on, but she was having full on cybersex. To make it worse she has been handing out our telephone number to total strange men and is now having phonesex. She tells me straight that I either accept it or get out the house.

Now here is the problem. Yes I am devastated and feel sick that I'm being treated in this manner. When I leave it will take some time to get over this but I worry for my kids. These men are phoning when my 3 year old daughter is at home and when she is online she goes in a daze and totally ignores the kids.

At 13 they are not totally stupid and can read what is on the screen. Our marriage has been completely wrecked by this and don't know what to do next. Anybody out there got any advice for me?

From MissBobbie 
Hello John - I was touched by your story and my heart goes out to you, but why should you leave the house? Why not show your wife the door? Pack her things and if you can't do that get rid of the computer or change the password on it. Your kids are your may concern and wandering how you could ever think of leaving them in the house alone with your wife. You are talking about cults here and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up thinking if your wife will give out your phone number to a total stranger on line, what makes you sure that she won't give out your house address next?

John stop and think before you make a move to walk out that door please, and if you are the one to walk take the kids with you. Many of dads have raised their kids on their own and have done fantastic jobs of raising them. I'm sorry for taking up the readers space but like I said John your story touched my heart

From Elaine
To John: I truly feel for you! When my husband started having cyber sex, at first it turned me on and he let me watch. Afterwords we would have great sex! Then after awhile he started doing it behind my back. I caught him several times and he promised he would quit. Of course he did not. I believe he is truly addicted to cyber sex. I think it is an addiction just like drugs. One of the things that hurts me the most about it, is the things he says to these women. He gets their pictures and he tells them how beautiful they are and what a great body they have. Also, after one of his cyber sessions he tells them what amazing lovers they are. He never says any of those things to me! The last two times we tried to make love he couldn't get it up, even with a lot of help from me! That was the straw that broke the camels back! Now, we have been doing a lot of talking and i tell him exactly how it makes me feel. How hurtful it is and that it makes me feel completely sexless. (undesirable) I think your wife has a serious addiction that she needs to get help for. She is also dragging you down with her. You need to confront her so that both of you can get some professional help. I wish you the best of luck John and hope that your wife is willing to get the help she needs. One last thought John, you need to protect your kids from this. You are right, I'm sure they know what she is doing. Mine did!

From Anon
I found a copy of a cybersex transcript my wife of 12 years had kept. It gutted me and has definitely had adverse effects on our marriage over the 3 month period since I discovered it. No amount of psychoanalysis will heal the pain. I have now decided to divorce her. My wife is about to lose everything and will lead a very poor quality life when the divorce comes through. In one part of the transcript (the "post coital small talk") she told the guy that she "will remember it forever". Somehow, it was a prophetic statement, but I guess that she will now be remembering it forever for all the wrong reasons. Is it not strange how the old saying "What goes around comes around" is so true? The person who will suffer most will be our 7 year old son. Who is going to explain to him what has happened? To those guys out there who do this sort of thing - well done! You have ruined a perfectly good marriage and at least 2 lives.

From Keith
You bet Cybersex is adultery, unless, and very specifically, if your spouse or significant other knows all about it and fully approves of it! Read my horror story and you be the judge!

My wife got into it with this guy she met in an airport on the way back from a long two week vacation she and I had. The relationship with her guy didn't start out as anything to worry about, in the beginning anyway. They swapped email addresses in the airport, I was right there. They just started talking about "stuff", what do you think about this and that, and as often happens between men and women, the subject of sex comes around, not in a direct or vulgar way to start with, but just as a matter of course.

They started emailing nearly every day after a couple of weeks, and ended up talking on the phone, at length, on my wife's day off. This was growing really slowly, but surely, and I could see it coming, but couldn't get her to quit. Well, after getting to know each other, in the pleasant fantasy land of the internet, they decided they had to see each other again, and this time to spend some real time with one another to see if they were the soul mates they seemed to think they were. My wife said she had to know, and sex wasn't necessarily going to happen. I went into orbit! "Not necessarily going to happen"!!!

Well their meeting was not planned yet when she told me this and I had major heart burn for a couple of months over the whole thing. While I was having heart burn, they did arrange their get together and came up with a lie for me, to throw me off. I found out about it, while monitoring email because it made me so nervous, the Wednesday before the weekend and I exploded. I couldn't contain myself, no hitting or anything, but I was so very angry I ripped the phone out of the wall, no serious damage, and said we would divorce if she went on this outing. She "said" she wouldn't, but went ahead with the plans anyway, saying she needed the weekend to sort out her feelings by herself. I said fine to that and believed her like a fool, but she just went on and met him anyway. I didn't find out about that for a couple more weeks of email monitoring and picking up some other clues. In the meantime, she had had sex with him, came back and was very insistent about having sex with me, which after I found out about the sex with him EARLIER IN THE DAY, hurt me even more. The idea of visiting a sexual train station really bothers me something terrible! I now have these very vivid images of the two of them together and I can't seem to shake them away!

After I found out and confronted her with my knowledge, she confessed everything, said she felt terrible and would break it off with the guy, and it certainly seems that she has. I made her write him a Dear John email and copy me on it, so I know he got it. On the one hand she says she is sorry for the affair and how it hurt me, but on the other says there was some good to come out of it, I now pay more attention to her.

So now she feels bad and I feel b