Is Cybersex Cheating?

An acquaintance wrote a story about a cybersex affair that eventually moved into reality. He said that while he has experimented with cybersex many times, he's never gone so far as to meet any of the people he's been involved with, because he'd never cheat on his wife. Here's my burning question of the day....Is cybersex cheating? —Lybbe

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From Taylor
Yes, I say Cyber Sex is cheating. I was very open and verbal with my boyfriend,  yet he had numerous women he chatted with so regularly that eventually they wanted to meet him in person due to his 'harmless cyber chat". We had sex everyday including watched porn together and going to fun parties. He claims he loved having sex with me,  yet his harmless porn fun became emotional attachments. So I feel connecting on a mental level can be dangerous and lead to physical cheating eventually because boundaries can easily be broken.

From Macabre
This is a volatile subject, and will undoubtedly remain so for many years to come. Will the issue ever truly be settled? I think not. Perspective and personal experience will determine what we, as individuals, feel about this issue. Now I am not speaking here to those of you that enjoy, as I do, an open relationship. But even then my Husband and I have boundaries which we adhere to stringently!

My opinion about cybersex as an activity is that as long as all parties are aware and communication is completely open, meaning you tell ALL to your mate, then it is not only all right but can be a fabulous way to explore ones sensual boundaries. Fantasizing with others, VT or RT, helps you flex your erotic muscles and that just makes sex better. But, since the subject here is not my opinion on the activity but on the morality of it, so to speak, I urge those of you who are trying to justify what you are doing to take a long hard look at yourselves. Would you need justification if what you were doing was right?

From Lisa
CyberSex is NOT cheating.... it is the alternative to cheating. For all of you out there who have been (or are) so hurt that he/she "cheated" on you with a computer - Come on - would you have rather it had been a real person? Obviously your significant other needed something more in their life - that doesn't mean he/she doesn't LOVE you and doesn't want YOU. I personally think cybersex is just another form of masturbation (as long as you keep it at home and never, ever have contact or give personal info to your online friend.) There is a huge difference with the sex you get from the one you love and the sex (whether real or cyber) you get from someone new. 

Being with the same person does get boring at times which is why most people cheat (the "real" physical way) -- but sometimes a little "cybersex" with somebody new might be all you need to get a few ideas to spice it up. I think I might be upset if I found out my boyfriend had an "online lover" so in all actuality, I wouldn't WANT to know - keep it a SECRET, and if by chance I do find out, just make sure you reassure me that it is me that you love and it is me that you come home to every night. I personally have only had cybersex with one person ~ and although I was alone, it was probably the best sex of my life. Would I want to have real sex with this guy? Of course I think I would, but I'm smart enough to know that it is the separation of reality and fantasy that makes the whole cybersex thing so sexy. It is all "pretend" - and that is the very most important thing to remember. If you have confidence in yourself and know that you are giving all you have to your "other half", then you will be just fine!

From Keith
This is for Anonymous. She wanted to know what the big deal is if you never meet who you are cybering with and how it is different from pornography, which is not cheating. Cybersex is a closer analogy to having a hooker than plain pornography because there is a real and active person involved on the other end. You are touching someone else's mind and causing them to potentially touch their own body, perhaps you are touching your body because of how this other persons mind touched you.

Ask yourself if mutual masturbation in person is cheating, or are you going to split hairs like Clinton did with Monica? Sex is sex, no matter how it happens. At least if you are doing yourself, all alone, there is not another person's mind that you can become so very intimately attached to, as is the case with cybersex. And as they say, the mind is the largest sex organ. Without it I wonder if anyone would care quite so much about sex anyway. Touching another person's mind in such an intimate way is cheating in my mind, and as you seem to have read from others, they think so also. Yes, cybersex is cheating and is very threatening to the spouse of the cheater.

From Erich
Reading this thread has been instructive. It seems that the most reliable pointer to cybersex being adultery is secrecy. For people who are open about their on-line interactions with their partners, there is no thought of it being adultery. But respondents who admit that they are "cybering" behind their partners' backs, or the very hurt people who later discovered their partners' secret lives, it's another story entirely. If it's so innocent, why keep it secret?

From Cassie
I have had cybersex many times. Cyber is not cheating, because it allows your MIND to have sex, not your physical body. My boyfriend allows me to do it because it makes me feel good, and have no real danger and no shame. I love him, all the more, and I respect him for this. thanks for listening.

From Roxi
Yes, sexual activity/arousal/release with someone other than your spouse or significant other is cheating, unless he or she has agreed that yours is an open relationship with outside companions—online or otherwise—are permitted. Fantasies, porno mags are passive; cyber sex is active, with another live being. Therein lies a key distinction.

From Matt
I wasn't sure about this until one evening two weeks ago. My wife visited her sister and was away for 3 nights. My wife and I have an active sex life and by the third night I was feeling a little lonely, bored, and a little horny so I decided to view some porn on the net.

I stumbled across a site where people chatted online. I met a girl who had a webcam so we linked up to see each other while we talked. I was happy to see she was a pretty young lady, she said she was 18 so I'll believe her and we agreed to take our clothes off so we could watch each other. Man, I got so horny watching her, and we agreed to mutual masturbation, which I guess was cyber-sex. It was very erotic, and after she made herself cum and I tossed off, we said goodnight and went offline.

So I'd had cyber-sex with a very pretty and horny young lady who was now nothing but a pleasant memory. She probably does it with lots of guys for kicks. I know I enjoyed it.

My point is this. I don't regard it as any different to watching any other type of porn, so I certainly don't regard it as cheating. Maybe if we kept meeting and did it regularly, it may be different. I just thought I'd share my story.

From Sazerac
Yes. It is real. One finds themselves smiling, breathing quicker, interacting, thinking, feeling, and, simply, involved. It boils down to it being about you. It's moments for yourself that you create and respond to. And is that so wrong? Not necessarily. My generation was the first to have computers in school. I do not have such moral dilemmas about on-line communication, nor do I question it. It just is. I am defining it for myself every time I go on-line. And I like that. I so dislike when people say, in "real life", as if cybering isn't real. Check my pulse. It's real.

So I go seeking these "fascinations". It's so easy to be amused and enjoy someone else in this format, once you get past the ignorant, crass people. It's fun to talk about similar interest or write out what your movements would be. But then, I'm not married. Would I have a problem with my husband up late hours, in the computer room? Probably not, since I am used to being on-line myself and it seems quite natural to me for others to be in front of a screen too. Then it becomes a question of fulfillment. Is your partner keeping their word to you in daily life? Do you feel a "reasonable" (however you define it) amount of your own needs are fulfilled by this person on-line? Flirtations happen all the time. On-line flirtation is no different. It's a part of life.

So many people have commented on 1) I confronted my partner and 2) wonder why they aren't enough. These are damaging and silly thoughts, even though they weigh heavy on the heart. No one person can fulfill another's need, and you need to check yourself if you are expecting your partner to do this. Secondly, we as human beings constantly are learning, even with our routinized patterns.

I say it's healthy because it adds spice, if that spice is re-introduced into the relationship and the commitment grows stronger. There's no need to flaunt it though. Or a need for confrontation. I think a discussion on how much time a loved one is spending with one individual person on-line is the issue or the level of intimacy.

It's hard not to take it personally, I know. I have had many relationships with people on-line, all types. But I always put the person who is in front of me on a higher priority level. And everyone on-line should expect to be relegated to second priority. So... if you have found your partner engrossed in this relatively new form of communication, have a talk. approach it as a unique socialite factor and ask that you come together to decide where your thoughts are, as a couple, are on it.

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