Is Cybersex Cheating?

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From Cyber Hurt
This is all relatively new to me, (the web) I was determined never to get involved with a man again after the death of my husband, eight years ago;  well I became lonely and my neighbor suggested I go on line. At first, I thought no one would contact me because I am 62 years old and black.The fact is, I received a lot of interest from both American white men here and abroad (only one black man contacted me in three months), we were not compatible so I decided to correspond with others.

I narrowed it down to two. One became a very good friend, we dated, but nothing became of it, he has just lost his wife and was not ready for a relationship.The other one is married and I don't date married men, so we kept it on a friendly basis. He kept hinting around and telling me how nice I am, and how he really liked me as a person. Months went by and of course we starting flirting with each other. The flirtation became so intense until we began telling each other how we felt about each other.

Soon the web wasn't enough, so we exchanged telephone numbers and we called each other constantly, night and day! We decided to meet each other for lunch, and that's when I got a reality check! One night as I waited for his call, I begin to think about what we were about to do. He had a real life wife, and I was going to interfere with their marriage. I couldn't go through with it, and we decided not to meet.

I am pretty sad now, but I know we did the right thing. The cyber was so great, there is no way we could have kept it platonic had we met! He still wants a picture of me, but that is asking for trouble; I have one of him and that has to be enough, I would never deliberately hurt anyone; I am the one who got hurt here! ONLY CYBER WITH SINGLE PEOPLE!

From Anonymous
I recently had my first cybersex experience and it was really intense. It was with someone I had gone on one date with who had actually written to me to let me know he wasn't interested....without getting too long-winded about how the cybersex all came about, we had an incredible time. I started out feeling timid and eventually got bolder and more free with expressing my desires, my fantasies...the only thing about it was that it was hard for me to reconcile that we could have this kind of chemistry online but not in real life so I started fantasizing pretty heavily about making our online interactions materialize in real time. It ended because he got back together with an ex-girlfriend and felt dishonest if he were to continue.

I understand his point but for the first time, was so moved and turned on by our interactions, I probably would've compromised my sense of integrity for it and continued. It was too titillating and hot. I do feel it is cheating, however, because so much of infidelity is not the physical act but the emotional disloyalty that is required. That is more hurtful than the act, itself. I do believe in some open, honest relationships, there can be room to share these experiences with each other and have it fuel your own sense of passion and not have those interactions cause any sense of jealousy or distrust. If you don't have that kind of communication, however, then having to hide it lends it a sense of shame and that is unhealthy for any relationship because you then are forced to hide a part of yourself in deceit.

From Raven
I tend to agree that it is the "sneaky", lying aspect which would constitute cheating, but that is just my perspective and others would feel differently.

I've never engaged in "cybersex", for one because it holds little appeal to me personally and for another it is not something I would have felt comfortable sharing with my partner (and would have considered it "cheating" otherwise)

But I imagine if both partners are ok with it, or even enjoy it together, where's the problem? I can see how it could add another, positive dimension to a relationship.

Just wanted to add, in response to a post below regarding diseases, my partner of over 2 decades recently passed away, (of unrelated issues) and it was discovered during routine tissue testing that he was infected with Hep C (and I'm sure had been since before we met, having had a brief history of IV drug use a year or so before we met).

From everything I've found (the CDC, and other reliable sources, including our local HIV/HepC program) the risk of sexual transmission is considered very low, less than 3%, even over a "lifetime of unprotected sex with an infected partner" (to quote the CDC). They did not recommend I be tested, and the local program does not even currently do testing of sexual contacts (though I may still get tested, just for my own peace of mind)

I completely agree with the routine use of condoms, (plenty of other nasty things out there!) but just wanted to point out that Hep C is most commonly, almost exclusively, in fact, acquired through IV drug use, unsafe tattoo/piercing practices, and other blood to blood transmission, not sex, even sex with multiple partners or prolonged exposure to one infected partner. Something I did not know until recently.

From kalliannassa
For my husband and I it is very simple. If you lie about it to the other person, or conceal it at all you are cheating. If you are up-front and honest about whatever activity you are involved in, physical or otherwise that is not cheating.

We decided that we are more concerned about not betraying trust than sexual fidelity, which is not the same as monogamy, but that is another rant.

From me
I was searching for advice on this subject and find it very strange that cyber sex is not considered cheating; how could it not? Just because you are not physically touching each other, doesn't make it ok. Especially live chat shows. It is not some random porn star on a random dvd, it is a live person who is responding to your requests as if they are in the room with you, so what's the difference?

How sad it is that sex is taken so lightly, and that so many marriages and relationships hurt from it. Especially if you have children, what if they stumble across it? That happened to my husband when he was very young, he saw something very graphic and it has hurt him mentally over the years. I don't think we realize what a negative impact the porn industry has on people. Not to mention the exploitation of the actual "porn actor". In a recent study, it was shown that a high percentage of porn stars where abused as children. That is horribly sad.

I understand men are visual creatures (as some women are). I am not asking for perfection or saying that I myself have never viewed porn. I am speaking from experience;  porn has only ever negatively affected my life and my husband's. It is hard enough trying to be a strong and true couple in today's society without this sort of readily temptation available; we live in a me first society. We have become used to quick and easy gratifications.

Also, there is a lot to be said for mutual abstinence. My husband and I abstain during the days of ovulation to avoid pregnancy, and that open communication has improved our sex life. We want each other more when we can't have each other, and when the time is right, it's amazing!

From Nervicula
Cybersex is only cheating if it cuts off viewer's relationship with his/her current love or spouse and goes to real meeting with the person you are having cybersex with.  I've had some great sex scenes with strangers that stayed strangers.  That's what made it fun.

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