Impotency
How Do You Handle It?

Here's a peculiarly male problem, impotency. The older I get, I find heretofore 100 percent reliable parts occasionally let me down. No I ain't talkin' 'bout the Chevy. So, what do you say to her when the pan flashes, but the old musket misfires? Sorry, the powder must be damp?

Any of you guys confident enough to admit to impotency, a system crash in the middle of a performance? Have you ever looked into her eyes, desperately apologetic and mouthed that old chestnut, "Gee, that's never happened before"? Or, did you carry on hoping she didn't notice and pray for an instant 'reboot'?

Ladies, how do you handle impotency? Do you try to be supportive "Aw, Honey, it's okay. It happens." Or, as I was instructed, "You're exhausted. Go to sleep. We'll do it in the morning." Or, have you expressed alarm and disappointment. "What the fuck happened!"  —Bob

An erection is a mysterious thing. There's always that fear, each time one goes, that you won't be seeing it again.  —Kirk Douglas

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From Peter
We are both in our late sixties. My wife started a course of HRT patches, a result being her moving from a lack of interest in sex to requesting intercourse each night.nbsp; In time she became more demanding and I found myself unable to penetrate her more than once each evening. After a period of some anxiety we agreed that while we would still engage in sex she would have one or two extra-marital relationships to satisfy her sexual needs.

I went to my doctor and inquired about HRT for me. He prescribed a course of patches, linked to better diet of salads and white fish. In time my desire for sex returned to something similar to my younger days and I was able to get an erection very quickly after climax and penetrate my wife three or four times during love-making sessions that often run to well over an hour. She still has one extra-marital relationship, with an athletic well-endowed younger man, and this I have agreed she keeps since her very fulfilling experiences with him contributes a lot to our mutual husband-wife sexual enjoyment.

From Nervicula
My man started off being impotent since I met him, but he knows how to make love for hours in spite of it.  We've been together for 16 years, and he has never failed to pleasure me by trying things he never tried with other women, and I him.  Although my next one has to have horsepower in his engine.

From Anonymous
My partner and I have been together 20 plus years. We are both in our early 40's, he a few years older than I am. When we were dating, after we'd done oral sex and much kissing, one night I decided I was ready for intercourse (I was a virgin. He was not)

After making out for a while in my bedroom (I was living at home still, but we'd done everything else in that room and had ample privacy) I offered myself to him, and he was unable to "perform". He was anxious and taken by surprise and we had no birth control. I understand (now) completely why and it was probably a good thing, in retrospect, since I was temporarily insane and past caring if I got pregnant or anything, and it was like his inability to be erect saved us from a potential disaster. At the time, I felt a bit humiliated and as if I had really done something terribly wrong. Soon after, we had sex in HIS room (he also lived with his parents still) and it was wonderful. I still suspect that he would have prefered to "do the deed" for the first time on "his turf", and that this was a major component of his "dysfunction" that first night.

Can't say he's had a problem with this since, but I suppose it is relative. As he has aged, his erections have tended to be less hard/large, and he's begun to have some issues with reaching orgasm at times (I can tell he is just really having to work for it sometimes and will begin to lose his erection before he comes...hasn't happened yet, but close) and no, his volume and force of ejaculation are not what they used to be. And his libido is not either (and it never was as high as mine, except in the very early days when he was just up for it all the time; it waned back to normal for him after several years. Has been declining since.) There are many times when he is simply not in the mood. I won't label that "impotency", since when he is in the mood or even when I manage to coax him into a mood, he still "gets it up" easily.

Now, I will admit, it can be difficult (see? I didn't say "hard") for a woman (or male partner, I suppose) to not feel as if such things are somehow a reflection on them and their desirability. I will admit that I sometimes feel less desired and as if there is some lack of love/desire due to me being the partner. Even when I know, rationally, that such things are often natural symptoms of age and stress (which we've had more than our share of lately) and tiredness (ditto). The same way I feel highly desired and sexy when my man gets hard just kissing me, stays so hard, fucks me wildly, and shoots huge loads into me. Other side of the coin.

Thing is, many women tend to judge themselves more than they judge the man when this happens. I guess as many men tend to blame themselves if the woman doesn't come; like, "I couldn't turn her on enough". Both are, imo, usually erroneous and futile views of what is usually a much more complex situation.

There are times when I do not lubricate as easily as I once did, or come as fast (into peimenopause already, and while I am mostly more horny and orgasmic that I was before, every once in a while I get these fluctuations, very similar to what some men get, I think, as far as troubles with erection/arousal and climax) it happens. He accepts it and we work around/with it.

An aunt of mine was married to her second husband for, oh, I don't know, 20 or more years before he passed. He was impotent for many of those years due to health issues, but she loved him deeply (and he her) and they enjoyed, according to both, a blissful sex life minus erections. I always thought that was beautiful.

To men out there worrying about it, keep looking for someone who will love you for yourself and be open to alternative methods of loving. To women, be open to it and don't blame yourself or him. That said, I think sometimes such problems are a sign of a lack of trust or desire, but more often are related to other factors.

From Anonymous
I had that "going limp" problem four or five years ago. Ever since Viagra, I've been a new person. A urologist just checked me out again and I am good to go for another year! I love sex and no need to worry about "limpy" after taking as little as half of the 100mg pill. And, I am 75!

From Kogan
I just wanted to say how much this site has helped me figure out what's been going on with me lately. I'm nearly 19 years old and recently found out exactly how embarrassing "going limp" is. I didn't know what was wrong with me, the girl I was with I'd been dating for 6 months and we'd had sex many times before. In retrospect, I realize that it was probably due to the fact that we had been at a dance club for the past 5 hours and it was well after midnight. I had been thinking a lot about unrelated problems and just couldn't let myself relax.

I was afraid that I was suffering a serious problem after it happened the second time a week ago and I was dreading going to my doctor over it. After reading everything posted here, I'm sure it will no longer be a problem for me. Since I know what probably caused it and how some girls react to it, I'll know what to say if it ever happens again.

Thank you all for your posts, they've saved me a lot of confusion and heartache.

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