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A Bit of Terminology

First let's discuss some of the terms you may have heard. As in many branches of jargon, these terms often have a precise as well as a vaguer commonly-used meaning. We can't ignore either meaning given that words are ultimately defined by their usage, so we will discuss both. Our general topic is people who tie each other up, give each other orders, humiliate each other or cause each other physical pain because it's what they like. A number of terms are often used to mean all these things in a general way: bondage, Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (DS), Sadism and Masochism (S&M), or BDSM. Some more precise meanings:

Bondage

tying someone up or being tied up, i.e. bound.

Bondage & Discipline (BD or B&D)

a relatively general term, often used like BDSM.

Dominance and Submission (DS or D/S or D&S)

one person taking the role of master with another person taking the role of slave, e.g. one person gives another person direct orders and that person obeys them as if they have to.

Sadism

getting pleasure out of giving someone physical pain.

Masochism

getting pleasure out of receiving physical pain.

Sadism and Masochism (Sado-Masochism, SM, S&M, or S/M)

more general term for sadistic and masochistic practice.

BDSM

combination of the abbreviations BD and SM (and some say the "DS" hidden in the middle is significant) which is a general term for the whole area.

Vanilla Sex

term used by people into BDSM for "regular sex without BDSM".

Light and Heavy

the phrase Light Bondage denotes activities that involve bondage in a small way. Heavy indicates the opposite.

Dominant (Dom)

term often used for the person giving the orders, doing the tying, or inflicting the physical pain.

Submissive (Sub)

term often used for the person receiving the orders, being tied up, or receiving the physical pain.

Top and Bottom

two more words for Dom and Sub. Also can be used as verbs meaning to be dominant or to be submissive. Thus topping is what a dominant person does.

Switch

someone who likes being a dom and also likes being a sub.

Power Exchange

another euphemism for BDSM.

Scene

euphemism for a session (sexual or otherwise) involving BDSM.

Play

euphemism for BDSM activity.

You undoubtedly know that sadism is a loaded term, and many people use it with the understanding that it has a bad connotation, e.g. cruelty. In fact, I suspect many Doms would avoid describing themselves sadists or as sadistic, but the terms "Sado-Masochism" or "SM" are widely used by BDSM people, even to describe themselves, without intending the connotations others see in the term. Other common BDSM terms might also invoke bad reactions with some people.

In fact, there are even people who practice these activities (e.g. erotic spanking), yet distance themselves from all these terms and do not feel any connection to self-identified BDSMers. It is important to remember not to get too hung up on labels, especially when different people use them in different ways. If you hear that someone (or yourself) is into S&M and that gives you the willies, remember that you should be more interested in the person's actual activities than the label, which might mean different things to different people. Avoid the labels you don't like, but when you hear others use them to describe themselves or others, make sure you know what they actually intend to say before jumping to conclusions.

BDSM adherents, when they speak of consensuality are often rabid about it, because of their concern with ethics and safety and perhaps because they've experienced the reactions of naive or suspicious people who think of it as something forced upon someone. Common practice among participants is to employ a safeword, sort of a like a password that is agreed upon by the parties involved that all action will stop if someone says it. Many BDSM adherents do not even like to hear a BDSM fantasy story that doesn't mention safewords (just like some readers of sex fantasy stories want to hear about a condom).

Another common practice is discussion ahead of time about what the sub does and does not like: it is awkward or distracting to bring up these points during the scene. BDSM people often say it is the sub who actually determines what happens: the dom's responsibility is to create a scene that does it for the sub using knowledge gained from earlier discussion, from past scenes, and using their own creativity. A dom who does not do this is likely to find that their partner loses any inclination to continue their activities.

Is there such a thing as non-consensual BDSM? Many adherents would like to reserve the term "BDSM" for consensual activity. There is no doubt that sex crimes have been committed by people interested in the same activities and trappings as the upstanding BDSM crowd. How you use the term is up to you, but it is unfair and can be confusing if you do not make clear the vast difference between the participation in consensual BDSM and the engaging in sex crimes.

Has the whole idea of BDSM frightened you? Are you interested but guilty about your interest? Have you discovered someone you care about is involved or interested? In any case, you are better off if you aren't harboring misconceptions about it. If you know someone "into it" or showing curiosity about it, the best advice you can give them is to exercise common sense.

Some misconceptions:

1. It's practiced by weird low-life people.

   Well, there's no doubt that it can be, though "weird" and "low-life" are in the eye of the beholder. But it is no myth that all kinds of people engage in all kinds of practices in the privacy of their own bedrooms. It's well established that many otherwise ordinary people engage in it including well-educated people as well as religious people.

2. If you are into it, you are into pain.
3. If you are into it, you are into humiliation.
4. It involves leather and/or other costumes.

   Not everyone likes the same things and many people like some BDSM practices and dislike and avoid others. There are definitely people who enjoy being bound yet have not the slightest desire for pain. A partner who is a decent person will understand completely. Others might enjoy light pain (e.g. an erotic spanking) but balk at the idea of being tied up. Like any sex, you only engage in the activities that appeal to both you and your partner.

   Furthermore, there are submissive people who would bristle at the idea of humiliation. And those who do enjoy it may well place strict limits on it, i.e., it is only to be "private play".

   And many aficionados feel no attraction to fetish clothing and avoid it as distracting or annoying.

5. It's a kind of abuse. It's like spousal abuse.

   Practitioners of consensual BDSM see no more connection between what they do and abuse than they would see between consensual sex and rape. And there is a big difference between an erotic spanking between two partners who are "into" each other sexually versus a man who comes home drunk and angry and bangs his wife's head against the kitchen wall. Being a female sub does not mean you would accept abuse.

6. People get into it because they were abused as children.

   There are participants who absolutely hate this idea, probably because it represents a very simplistic analysis. But even so, there are other participants who feel it was true in their own case. There certainly are people who were abused and who are into it, but others weren't. Naturally, if you look hard enough at a person's past, you will find something that at minimum can be labeled abuse in a vague way and you have your smoking gun. The other side of the coin is that many people who suffered tangible and even severe abuse find no attraction to BDSM whatsoever. So I'd say even if there can be some sort of connection in individual cases, it is far from cut and dried.

7. It's demeaning to the submissive.
8. It's demeaning to the woman.
9. You can't be a liberated woman and practice it.
10. It's the men who like it: the women do it because they have no self-esteem and/or are trying to keep the men interested.
11. It reflects male sexism or woman-hating.

    There are women who will challenge this to no end. To the extent that "demeaning" is not a simply personal matter, it is an opinion that is often self-defining: Why is something demeaning? Because people won't respect you. Why won't they respect you? Because you are participating in something demeaning. Many people can cite little beyond this kind of circular reasoning for their negative views.

    There are certainly women who consider themselves feminists and take mainstream-feminist opinions on many issues, yet are BDSM adherents. Often they have strict limits as to where and when the BDSM stops, e.g. at the bedroom door and consider BDSM to be "play" that is their own business.

    There are even some who say BDSM is demeaning to the woman and it does not matter which role she is playing, dominant or submissive. Eventually, you have to say to yourself that some people have a conclusion they are going to come to no matter what.

    The idea that BDSM is a way in which men express an attitude of hate toward women is challenged by the many female-dominant BDSM relationships both heterosexual and lesbian, as well as gay male BDSM relationships. Also, there is a huge number of men who prefer the submissive role. Once again, there will be some who say that women and gay men only take dominant roles because they were influence by sexist male attitudes, and once again we say there are people with conclusions they will reach come hell or high water.

12. Someone who gets "into" it always wants more and more.

    Well that can be true of anything. Furthermore, it's when we see someone going beyond our own limits that we imagine they have lost control to their own desires. After all, we couldn't go that far without throwing caution to the wind. They broke through what we perceive as a barrier; we conclude they must be inclined to try to push and break barriers. But this thinking ignores the fact that others feel limits that are different than ours: just because their limit is beyond ours doesn't mean there isn't some point where they find the attraction undermined by other factors, just like we would.

    Yes, it does happen that someone into BDSM has the compulsion for more and more. But then people like to eat and some cannot control themselves. Same for drinking, dieting, and even driving fast, all activities which can kill. In all these cases, it is the loss of ones self-control that needs addressing.

13. It's dangerous.

    Well everything, including walking across the street, has danger. Using common-sense rules with a consensual partner, presumably someone you know well, the danger can be reduced and controlled as well as, say, driving a car. Naturally there are stupid things you can do, e.g. give a relative-stranger control over your person. If you throw common sense out the window, yes, it can be dangerous.

14. People into it are promiscuous.

    Many people into BDSM would never think of any such relationship outside of someone with whom they had a committed love relationship. While there are undoubtedly people with casual sex lives who like BDSM, they are by no means the only such people to find an attraction in it.

15. If you don't do it constantly, you aren't really into it.
16. You aren't really into it unless you do whatever.

    This is certainly a matter of labeling: exactly what do you have to do to be called a "true BDSM participant"? There are undoubtedly people hung up on this label just like any other. Naturally some people take BDSM more seriously than others and any claim that there are differences between the way people approach BDSM cannot be denied. But argument over who deserves which BDSM term is an argument over language semantics rather than anything substantive and anyone who puts down others for "not really being into it" is best ignored.

Is there a philosophy behind BDSM? Something that makes people do it? My guess is that there are many, perhaps almost as many as there are adherents, but I feel it's pretty much a basic impulse that apparently only some people have. Adherents have tried to trace their own discovery of the impulse and some feel they detected it quite young, e.g. liking to be tied up during games with fellow children.

There are certainly philosophies that people adopt to help justify their own participation, particularly when they feel it is at odds with their other beliefs. Examples:

1. People consider the sexual play between consenting adults (or between a loving couple) to be nobody's business but their own.
2. A female dom or male sub might feel they are taking part in a "gender leveling" activity.
3. People feel it is a stress-reducer: a way they can play a role opposite what they are forced to play every day. In fact, it is said to be common for someone who wields a lot of power and responsibility in everyday life to feel the need to assume the submissive role.
4. People think of it as a way to demonstrate your trust with your loving partner.

Just how widespread is this impulse? It is certainly the case that popular culture picks up on BDSM and serves it to us in a number of ways:

1. TV shows, movies, and even commercials have direct references to BDSM, sometimes for comic effect.
2. "Woman in jeopardy" is a recurring theme in TV movies, suspense movies, and many book genres including some in the romance field. What is the psychology that makes people come back to these stories, especially women?
3. The man spanking woman scene is one of the cliches of movies and books, even going way back: while some undoubtly bristle at it, one has to wonder about the impulses that people had to include these and that underly the way society accepted such scenes.

Often, these were done for comic or dramatic effect, but that doesn't diminish the fact that a large portion of society accepted these things and the producers of these works found success using them. It is often the case that the reference was made more palatable through the use of comedy or through the suggestion that it was wrong or dangerous to do it (e.g. the cliche story about the woman who gets into BDSM and meets a serial killer), or that it was punishment that was deserved (authors seem to take it as a challenge to create the situation where the reader can safely think the heroine deserved it this once). You could argue that to many people who view/read these that it isn't so much a secret desire to participate as a mesmerizing sense of horror they feel, similar to what one might feel reading about a plane crash. This is no doubt true to some extent, but it is hard to attribute all the interest to something like that.

Certainly there are popular books that are revealing the BDSM impulse, books with a BDSM theme that are selling well to what might be termed a "crossover" audience. There was The Story of O in the fifties, and Nine and a Half Weeks and Anne Rice's BDSM novels in the eighties, and more recently, Topping from Below.

You may have discovered aspects of yourself that suggest an impulse: do you find a potential lover attractive because they are near that line between assertive and aggressive? E.g. the alpha male? Have you found you like it when you are held down when making love? Or when your partner asserts themselves in some other fashion? Or perhaps it is the idea of yourself being in complete control during lovemaking that has some attraction?

You may be saying that these things are milder than true BDSM. On the other hand, they show that the impulse in at least a mild form is pretty widespread and whether you wish to call it BDSM or not is simply a matter of labeling and degree. If you don't label it BDSM, you still have to admit it is BDSM-like.

If the impulse is so widespread, is it universal? Or is there something wrong with not liking it? Evidence is that some simply don't have the impulse and there is nothing wrong with that fact, and certainly no reason they should engage in it. Asking such a person to be interested will probably just annoy or scare them.

Probably many people feel an impulse toward BDSM, yet feel another impulse that conflicts with it, perhaps suppressing it or ruining the pleasure they would otherwise feel in it. For example, if the BDSM impulse is indeed deep-seated, a woman might feel it, yet have a stronger feeling regarding gender-equality that overrides it. A sense that it is morally wrong might produce similar internal conflict. A person with such conflicted feelings might feel curiosity and attraction toward it yet feel guilty about that fact. They might well respond well to the stories that serve up their BDSM in such manner as to to make it seem deserved or justified, or stories that preface their condemnation with lengthy, lurid descriptions. The point is that the reader/viewer is given the opportunity to be titillated by BDSM in ways that don't involve accepting it. A way out for the reluctant fan.

If you accept that there is no rule that says if you do a little, then you are required to do a lot, how can you do just a little? Certainly one possibility is to leave it in your fantasies: the ultimate safe-sex, so to speak. Books like Anne Rice's, online stories, erotic magazines like Libido or Paramour, Black Lace novels, videos, pictures, and trading fantasies with your lover offer a way to participate vicariously. There is much to say to leaving your wilder sexual impulses in fantasy and there is nothing wrong with such practice as long as it isn't so distracting that it detracts from your real life.

But what mild activities can you engage in? Here are some ideas:

1. Talk about it while you make love, without really doing anything.
2. Do something symbolic: for example, hold your hands behind you or above your head as if they were tied.
3. Have your partner hold your wrists while you make love.
4. Wrap something around your partner's wrists without actually tying it, e.g. a handkerchief or tie, in such manner that they can actually take it off if they try.

We're certainly not going to provide you with a perfect solution to this dilemma. We suspect such a wonderful solution could also solve couples' disagreements over sex frequency, over other sex acts, and might just be the answer to about world peace, too. As with any disagreement about sexual activities, you're not going to avoid accommodation or compromise. How well things work out has a lot to do with your sense of respect for your partner and the diplomacy you can bring to bear. Keep in mind two principles, the first which is the "Catch 22" of sexual disagreements:

1. While it is permissible, and even admirable to do something purely for your partner's sake, being expected to do this is not fair.
2. It is fine to try to change your partners' mind or to try to convince your partner to explore their own mind more fully, but there comes a point after which continuing to do this is unfair to your partner.

And while this may not be what you want to hear, maybe you and your partner are better off without BDSM. Particularly if BDSM activities are merely another kind of hot sex to you, you and your partner might discover a better compromise trying out some additional non-BDSM hot sexual practices.

Despite all the evidence we can cite that society maintains a secret interest in BDSM, there is no doubt that it is a love/hate relationship and makes for some strange contradictions. We allow BDSM to be displayed in entertainment as non-consensual and evil, but no one wants to touch the subject of a loving couple doing it consensually: not even in X-rated videos! Torture gets air time, play doesn't. The group-think is "to depict BDSM as play would be (a) to encourage people to put themselves in danger; or (b) to encourage them to torture people".

This paper will not survey the more extreme BDSM practices, but please make no mistake that they do exist. If you read more about BDSM, you will eventually discover a practice that shocks or amazes you, and even that challenges your sense of safety and good sense despite its being consensual. We won't go into this subject further: we simply leave you with this warning.

We've pointed out that people go to a lot of trouble to practice BDSM in a safe way and that many people keep it relatively safe by indulging in it only to the mildest degree. But of course it is not without danger. What are the real dangers of BDSM?

The first would be putting yourself in the hands of someone you do not know. For example, if you respond to a personal ad, you cannot be certain the person has the right attitude toward BDSM and you'd best be even more careful than would responding to a "normal" personal ad. Creeps who will take advantage of you do exist.

Another danger is not knowing what you are doing: you can easily accidentally hurt someone through bondage or punishment. For example, when you see a picture of someone tied up, often it has been done in a careful way to make sure circulation is not restricted and undue strain is not put on any part of the body. Inflicting punishment has as many dangers. Safety in these areas are best addressed by beginner's guides listed below.

A third danger is emotional: just as you can have unexpected emotional reactions to sex, engaging in BDSM activities can surprise you. There are no preparations guaranteed to guard against emotional surprises, but it doesn't hurt to keep in mind that people have casually indulged in both sexual and BDSM activities only to discover themselves to be emotionally hurt.

There are people whose BDSM-activities have become independent of their sexual activities. While some would never think of engaging in activities with anyone other than their spouse, there are some who have found in themselves the opposite impulse: they are inclined to keep the relationship with the one they love separate from their BDSM activities, which might well remain entirely non-sexual. Sometimes this is because their partner is not into BDSM. We mention this merely to warn you: naturally many people would find such practice surprising and unacceptable.

Many sex manuals make mention of BDSM, perhaps no more than a mention, but sometimes a chapter. For example, The Guide to Getting it On has a chapter called "On Culture & Kink", which is non-judgemental, but an introductory chapter provides only very limited information. Also, some general books about sexual fantasy and desire such as The Hite Report and Nancy Friday's books include some material on BDSM and BDSM fantasy. Also, John Norman (known as the author of the Gor series of fantasy novels) wrote Imaginative Sex which includes couples' fantasy scenarios that include BDSM. A few writers have written essays tackling the ethics of getting into BDSM despite considering themselves feminists. Among them are Suzie Bright, Carol Queen and Pat Califia.

One way to "live" the BDSM life without the danger is fiction. Some well-known examples:
Pauline Reage: The Story of O
Anne Rice's Beauty series: The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty, Beauty's Punishment, and Beauty's Release
Anne Rice: Exit to Eden
Laura Reese: Topping from Below

The Black Lace line of women's erotic novels often include BDSM in their sex-play. Also available is Victorian erotic literature such as A Man with a Maid as well as some imitation Victorian literature, written recently but set in Victorian England. The Pink Kink Catalog (http://www.razberry.com/raz/pink/top.htm) is an online list of romance novels that include BDSM. Within BDSM culture, some of the most mainstream works are Pat Califia's books, Laura Antoniou's Leatherwomen, and Sara Adamson's Marketplace trilogy.

Popular books about BDSM including Gloria Brame's A Different Loving and Susan Crain Bakos's Kink. The former takes a positive view, the latter, perhaps a reserved view of heavier activities.

For the person or couple who has a good sense of what goes on and would like to try it, there are some practitioners' guides for beginners. We list them here just to show you the clever titles:
John Warren's The Loving Dominant.
Jay Wiseman's SM 101: A Realistic Introduction.
Race Bannon's Learning The Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/m Lovemaking.
Trevor Jacques' On The Safe Edge.
Philip Miller and Molly Devon's Screw the Roses, Send Me The Thorns.
Catherine A. Liszt and Dossie Easton's The Bottoming Book: How To Get Terrible Things Done To You By Wonderful People and The Topping Book: Getting Good at Being Bad.
Pat Califia's Sensuous Magic.
Pat Califia's The Lesbian S/M Safety Guide which is reputed to be applicable in large part to other gender-combinations too.
Lady Green's The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners.
Alison Tyler and Dante Davidson's Bondage on a Budget.

The above titles are available at:
Amazon.com   /  Amazon UK

It can be frightening to discover someone you know is into BDSM, perhaps most especially a close relative. If you are faced with this, remember not to jump to conclusions as to what that means. BDSM in itself does not mean common sense must be thrown out the window. It may be a shock to think someone has the impulse (much less being "out" enough to admit it), but the more important issue is to make sure the person retains their sense of safety.

If you think you might have an impulse toward BDSM and that scares you, then the most important things to remember are that there are no rules that you must go into it any further than you wish to or feel comfortable doing, and that whatever you do, you should retain your common sense and sense of safety.

Remember: probably the vast majority of people attracted to BDSM are content to allow it to remain fantasy; those who do anything about it usually engage in the lightest scenes with their partner as we described above; and for those motivated to go beyond that, there is a thriving community of people who absolutely insist upon safety.

© 2002 by Jack Raven

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