BDSM: Pleasurable Pain

Like the rough stuff?

• House of Taboo, where lusty women are spanked, bound, fucked, and lovin' it. This is not some lame fetish site where you never see the real hardcore action. Step into the House of Taboo and choose your perversion, from hard spanked asses to diabolical doctor and nurses, and expect to get every gritty sexy scene. Don't  say I didn't warn you...

• Liberator.com - Playful Restraints - Strap your lover to a Black Label Liberator shape for wicked sex. These famous Liberator shapes are decked out in sexy black covers (washable, of course!), and equipped with restraints for bedroom adventurers and seasoned spank artists. It dips, tips, tilts, or flip it over for a more stable sex setting.

From StormBorn
I have to comment on the post that said SM is not love. I have been in and am currently in loving relationships where BDSM was very much a part of our lovemaking, as was tender "vanilla" <g> sex. In my opinion, every relationship has a power element in it. Some couples don't express this sexually, but it comes out, consciously or subconsciously, in other ways. I don't enjoy 'normal' pain--I'm such a wuss that breaking a fingernail will make me cry! But a careful and sensual stimulation of nerve endings, building from the subtle (biting, scratching, etc.) to the extreme (hot wax, whipping, nipple and labia clamps and the like) is something entirely different. Reaching by stages that space that is neither he nor I, but something we have created between us--that space that can hardly be described--is a deeply loving act. More than the pain is the joyous freedom of surrendering power to the one we adore, expressing our love by the gift of ourselves, totally.

From Jack Raven:
What sort of sex/activity produces the most fireworks depends entirely upon the 'bent' of the participants. If you are of a BDSM bent, then it may be that you feel fireworks when your sex includes some BDSM that you don't feel when the sex is vanilla.

On the other hand, if you are one of those persons for whom BDSM does nothing (and I'm reminded of the person who wrote that they felt nothing more when reading a BDSM story than they did when reading an account of someone suffering from an upset stomach), then it's probably some other little secret 'vice' that sets off the fireworks in you, and I have no reason to doubt that the fireworks can be plenty spectacular. No, we're not asking you to spill your secrets. (But then again, maybe we're inviting exactly that; after all, this is ERA :-)

From kestrell
I have been subbing to a dom for almost a year now. Even before we played for the first time he and I spent a lot of time talking about what we fantasized about, what we had as limits, physical and emotional, and just real life stuff also, enough to get a sense of each other. We also went through a survey, yes ds even has survey questionnaire forms to go through, just so you can get an idea of each other's kinks, together and discussed our thoughts on the topics with each other. Of course not all people who are in the scene, either part time or very seriously, are this thorough. On the other hand even experienced players are impressed by the level of seeming intuition Master has as far as my responses when he is playing with me. I don't need to verbalize, though at times he might ask where I am on pain level, or as far as reaching some emotional limit, and I always express as well as I can my feelings. It seems like intuition to many but it is a lot of work, and often very difficult, learning to express such vulnerable parts of oneself, even to someone you trust. Are good players born or made? A little of both. It is like being an artist, you might have a gift but you still need to cultivate it, and many people ascribe to genius what is actually a lot of hard work.

From didi
I thought I'd add my thoughts. I'm a fan of both romantic and b and d sex. I wouldn't like to forego either one of them. Some comments indicate that the people fear b and d can lead to people being hurt. I have found that the masters I've been with have been extremely careful and respectful of me. Sanity dictates that you take steps to ensure your safety like telling a friend where you're going and arrange a time that you will report to them. I'm sure there are malevolent people around. A tip I would like to pass on - I will only frolic with people who know the difference between role play and reality. A couple of would-be masters wanted me to be submissive all the time. This did not suit me and I never embarked upon anything with them. They accused me of being not really interested in b and d.

From 1coldfalcom
One of the most distinguishing characteristics of a bdsm relationship is the openness--continuous communication--that occurs. It is vitally important, because the guidewords are SAFE, SANE, and CONSENSUAL. One should never go hunting without experience, and never without guidance. The same with any relationship, especially SM. There are deep, thorough discussions and 'negotiations' that go one. Clean, safe activities carefully planned and done based on limits and boundaries set by the participants. A person wouldn't buy a house without research, would they? Hopefully, a person would not get married without knowing **plenty** about their partner. The same things are true for people who practice SM.

There are activities that some hard-wired individuals are participating in that I do not think I could ever do--nor do I have any interest in them. And I think those activities are, perhaps, not SANE. I leave them to their own. They have the right to choose. I enjoy a 'switch' relationship....well, perhaps the word 'training' is more applicable. But we are two consenting adults. We discuss everything. Before, during, and after. I do him no harm, and he is respectful of my boundaries, as well.

I encourage folks to go to many websites and bbs, and read as much information about the 'scene' as possible before passing judgment or criticism. Not all things will be enjoyed by all people. Some folks like to do it on the beach. I can do without the sand in my britches, thanks. Some like it in the pool--the chlorine just irritates sensitive areas....and maybe the reader wouldn't like to have a lover put on a silk scarf for a blindfold and slowly disrobe in the lamplight....to each her/his own....

From Elizabeth
I am new to the whole BDSM lifestyle, but I can tell you some essential things. First, There is nothing "superior" in the lifestyle, just another way of bringing thrills to the relationship. Personally, "vanilla" sex does not do much for me. It never has. But that is me, and I know people who are quite content to reach the heights (as undifferentiated from the heights reached by a sub in bondage, say) with it. Second, my personal experience with sex has been that I cannot allow myself to let go without the complete domination provided by my Dom/me. It is a mental thing, and finding this lifestyle was actually quite a relief for me. I always thought I was abnormal because I could never let go enough to enjoy myself. Although my writings have been of a "vanilla" nature, they are the only release I had had up to the point of finding this lifestyle. I kept pushing myself to more dangerous lengths in terms of sexual encounters, even going so far as stranger encounters and the like, risking all sorts of things I find myself shuddering over now because I was searching for that release valve.

Now, however, I am in a safe, secure relationship with a Dom I trust. It is monogamous, and I know that, despite any "punishments" I may receive, my Dom has my best interests at heart and would not let any danger befall me. Third, a sub will go as far as his/her mentality allows them to. Some will live the 24/7 lifestyle, allowing their Dom/me to make all decisions, from the way they dress to whether they eat on the floor at the table, or even sleep in a bed. Others will merely keep it to the bedroom, and will have a completely "vanilla" relationship outside of that. There are many different degrees, all based on the individual relationship, the individual, and the aspects of the participants lives. For instance, a couple who has small children will most likely not keep the female subbed constantly. This would be both impractical and possibly dam! aging to the children. For me, I prefer to subjugate entirely to the will of my Dom/me when we are in the sphere of the home. This is, I suppose, because I am normally so in control outside the house, and have been all my life. I work three part-time jobs and go to school, so coming home and letting all of that go, just serving and pleasing my Dom, is the greatest end to the day I can think of.

From Anonymous
I am a very assertive professional woman. I know what I want, how to get it, and usually do with a few exceptions. One thing is for certain. When it comes to passionate love, I want to be completely taken. I want someone to control me.. Controlling me outside of the passionate tryst is a mistake. I will only rebel which will make for poor love sessions. I will do as I am told in while in the heat of the moment gladly and with great pleasure. I will my lover to have me at his will.. I believe there are other people out there who feel the same. However, they won't admit it. I also believe there are people who never want to give up the control in any circumstance. What a shame... To be taken is a wonderful fulfilling experience..

From J.Espadero:
It's very sad that some people have to give themselves over to letting others inflict pain on them in order to get to the point where they can receive "love" from the other person. No one who takes over another person and inflicts pain in the guise of bringing them to a higher level of sensual pleasure truly loves and cherishes that other person. Done often enough the mind loses the ability to distinguish between pleasure and pain which is not only mentally and emotionally unhealthy, it is dangerous.

Submitting and totally surrendering to another when trust and love are the foundation for the relationship is an entirely different matter. Certain sexual acts (anal sex being the most obvious) and positions (taken from behind) enhance the feeling of surrender and submission for the one and dominance and control for the other. But when people start bringing in hot wax and whips, etc.--that is when a different type of relationship is taking place and to call it love, trust, etc. is a misnomer.

Call it what it is-sadomasochistic behavior. Nothing more; nothing less. Love, caring, intimacy do not exist in this realm. Distortion between true love and caring and using another human being to satisfy an unhealthy emotional need is what is really taking place. The word for this type of behavior is torture-not discipline or submission, etc.

That being said, anything two consenting adults wish to do in private is certainly a right to be protected. Just don't call it love and confuse it with a loving relationship. It is a relationship born from a need other than to be in an intimate and loving relationship with another human being.

Unfortunately, many of the victims of BDSM are women who bought the line they were being fed about submitting to the pain to reach a higher level of closeness and intimacy. Women submit in order to get to the point where they are held and loved--and who would not be ready to be held and loved after having hot wax dripped on them? It comes from being so damn grateful that the pain has stopped. One is not being truthful with oneself to say that it is anything more.

I would advise women in particular to take several steps backwards when a man starts talking about submitting to pain to reach a higher level of pleasure and intimacy. Really look and listen to what is happening. You can experience the joy of submission and surrender to a man without having to submit to pain, humiliation, and torture.

The human mind is an incredible, wonderful thing. It will take pain and obscure the lines between pleasure and pain to the point that eventually one is unable to tell the difference. This can happen very quickly. This is when BDSM "play" begins to be seriously damaging.

This "play" between adults is akin to children who take pleasure in torturing small animals. It would be interesting to see how many people who enjoy and receive sexual satisfaction from inflicting pain on another human being started out with animal torture when they were children OR were forced to submit to pain when they were children.

All human beings know that there is a thin line between pleasure and pain, and the expression "it hurts so good" describes many sexual encounters. Pleasure can be so intense as to be almost and maybe definitely painful. But the INTENT is the difference. Pleasure that reaches that point is one thing. It is when PAIN in inflicted as the starting point as a means to reach pleasure that the human mind has to find a way to deal with what is happening.

In summation, consenting adults have the right to engage in any behavior they desire. That being said, the motives behind the behavior should be carefully examined by all concerned. And people who REQUIRE pain to have sexual pleasure--whether it be the giver or receiver--should seriously consider how they got to that point and if it is really where they want to be. This is especially true for women. If you have to submit to whatever he chooses to do in order to have him "love" you (hold you, cherish you, comfort you,etc.), then you had best look at the person you are dealing with VERY carefully.

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