Cracking Foxy

by Robert Buckley

Fly the Unfriendly, Prissy, Nickel-and-Diming Skies

I’ve never flown Southwest Airlines, and I’m sure I never will. So, it isn’t like they’ve lost a customer. But they just keep perpetrating these horrendous PR debacles that make me put them near the top of my elimination list when choosing an air carrier.

For a while the airline’s ground crews won my sympathy via a reality show that focused on their dealing with having to turn away drunks from the gate, as well as can’t-be-satisfied customers who are just unable to understand why they let their flight go without them just because they were three hours late showing up. But then, it could have been a show about any service employee dealing with the public. The show faded and I really didn’t hear any more about Southwest except for their commercials until 2007 when a flight crew humiliated a pretty passenger by as much telling her she was dressed too slutty to fly on their family-friendly airline.

There was some question, never resolved as far as I know, as to whether other passengers complained about how she was dressed – a mini-skirt and bosom enhancing top – or an attendant who adjudged the young woman’s dress indecent.

She didn’t get booted off the flight, but was forced to travel with a blanket across her lap. Of course, SA shot themselves in the foot. The young lady appeared on all the morning news-light shows in her outfit. She was pretty and sweetly sexy in a blonde California-girl sort of way. I would not have minded in the least having her on a flight of mine. She was a lot easier on the eyes than some of the in-flight entertainment that is offered.

I began to wonder, what could I be thrown off one of Southwest’s planes for? Because another passenger didn’t like the way I was dressed?

I guess that question was answered recently when Kevin Smith, aka, Silent Bob, was tossed for being too big for his seat, even though he had already been seated and so obviously was accommodated by the width of the seat. I mean, does anyone fit in an airline seat comfortably, no matter your size?

Again, SA is coping with the PR equivalent of an improvised explosive device.

What are we to gather about this propensity to shoot oneself in the foot? Southwest doesn’t like to transport nubile young women; Southwest doesn’t like to fly overweight people? What’s next, a non-ginger rule? Kick all redheads off Southwest flights? Will they require an underwear check just in case someone’s tighty-whities aren’t so whitey?

Wasn’t Southwest the budget airline that debuted featuring attendants in hot pants? Didn’t they use a near-naked Sports Illustrated bikini model in a commercial promo?

Don’t they make extra money by charging overweight folks for two seats? Smith only had a single-seat standby ticket when he got the shove. And how is that supposed to work, exactly? Are people who pay for two seats able to sit in two seats at once?

It all smacks of “you’re not good enough” to fly in our planes. You don’t fall into our parameters of who is fit to fly.

The immortal Groucho said he wouldn’t belong to a club that would have him for a member. I don’t suppose I would fly on an airline that might not have me for a passenger. Truly, I would be too anxious, waiting for the tap on the shoulder that bids me to gather my belonging and get off because I offended some prissy twit in the next seat, or because some employee eager to make a bonus thought he could embarrass me into paying extra to the airline.

SA has become the poster child for a corporate malady known as head-up-its-ass-ism. It’s not exclusive to SA or even other airlines. Any business can be guilty of it. How many corporate book chains have I entered to find no erotica section, or worse, erotic fiction placed in the obviously non-fiction psychology section – as if reading sexy prose is some sort of aberrant behavior?

There isn’t much that offends me. I’ve been in plenty of retail establishments, restaurants, etc., that have put me off for one reason or other, but mostly they gave me the distinct impression that I wasn’t welcome. That’s okay, because I can always take my money where it is welcome. It just amazes me, in a weak economy that a business would encourage just such an attitude. For that matter, in any kind of economy, why piss off a customer?

After all, it wasn’t some phony-baloney nightspot old Silent Bob and the mini-skirted girl were trying to get into. They were only seeking a ride on a bus with wings. Who’s B-S’ing who?

If my fat ass fits in the seat, leave me alone. Ditto for the mini-skirted young lovely with the wide hips. Seat her next to me; maybe we’ll discuss dimensions.

Robert Buckley
March 2010

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Read more of Robert Buckley's Cracking Foxy in 2010 ERWA Archive.

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"Cracking Foxy" © 2010 Robert Buckley. All rights reserved. Content may not be copied or used in whole or part without written

About the Author: Robert Buckley is senior fiction editor at ERWA. His stories have been published in various anthologies, including editions of Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica and the Coming Togther series of altruistic erotica.

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