Get All Worked Up About Raising Daughters
by J.T. Benjamin

After reading last month’s column about the special challenges inherent in raising boys into men (Get All Worked Up About Real Men), my Lovely Wife reminded me that the challenge of raising daughters into women is also fraught with unique complications. As if I needed to be reminded of that, with not one but three young, beautiful, banes to my existence under my roof.

So, in the interests of equal time…

As I said last month, in contrast to the intricate rituals through which boys are expected to become men, a girl’s entry into womanhood is comparatively simple. When she’s old enough to menstruate, a girl is old enough to bear children. When she’s old enough to bear children, she’s no longer a child herself, and the main course of her life is laid out before her. It’s biology. Her pelvis grows to accommodate giving birth. Her breasts enlarge to prepare her for the task of feeding her children.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with motherhood; it’s a noble, vital and heroic profession. I can think of few things I look forward to more than the prospect of becoming a grandfather someday, (in the far, far future, that is).

And yet, as my daughters grow, I find myself looking forward to them doing lots of other things in the future, too. My oldest loves to play the cello. She sketches, writes poetry, and is an accomplished actress. She has a more deeply nuanced understanding of Shakespeare’s plays at age fifteen than I did at age thirty.

My second daughter sings and dances and makes people laugh and she bakes cakes and treats and I could see her as a pastry chef, a doctor, a teacher, or head writer for “Saturday Night Live.”

Then there’s my youngest daughter, only nine years old. She’s utterly charismatic, completely charming, and so enthusiastically full of life it’s bubbling out her ears. She’s too interested in everything, too excited by everything, too open to the possibilities of everything to have her options narrowed down so soon.

I watch my little girls interact in the world and I feel like the future is wide open for them. The opportunities are virtually endless.

But not in the eyes of many. Motherhood is only one path my daughters might take; it might even be one part of a larger path, but if certain people have their way, they will be the ones who dictate how my daughters live their lives. Neither my wishes, nor those of my daughters, are entitled to due consideration.

I’ve ranted many times about the Holy Terrors, that powerful political group of Fundamentalist Christians who are attempting to install their brand of theo-fascism upon American society, and I’ve ranted even more about the “War On Whoopie.” That’s the Holy Terrors’ campaign to remove everything fun about sex from our lives. If it’s not expressly for the utilitarian goal of having children within the bonds of marriage, sex is evil, sinful, abhorrent, degenerate, blah blah blah blah blah.

The most obvious effects of the Holy Terrors’ War On Whoopie are an anti-American willingness to invade privacy and a homophobic and sexophobic bigotry. One of the less obvious effects is a determination to remove from girls and women the right to choose for themselves how they live their lives.

Consider abstinence-only sex education, or as I prefer to call it, “ignorance-only” sex ed. The Holy Terrors, through the Bush Administration and the Republican Party, have been pushing teaching schoolchildren only to abstain from sex until after marriage. No instruction in birth control or sexually transmitted diseases or alternative sexual lifestyles is allowed, as the Powers That Be feel that doing so would encourage teenagers to try those things.

This is like teaching drivers’ education without covering airbags or seatbelts because doing so would encourage kids to drive fast.

Now, as for my Lovely Wife and me, we want our girls (and our son) to know as much information about sex as is possible; we want them to feel comfortable talking about and living with a critical part of their lives. Not to sound like I’m bragging (well, maybe a little bit,) but my Lovely Wife and I have a pretty damn good sex life together, and we want all our kids to have sex lives as healthy for them as ours is for us.

So why do the Powers That Be want to prevent that?

Especially for girls and women? I mean, when you think about it, women are the only people who absolutely have to bear (pardon the pun) the burden of misinformation about avoiding pregnancy.

But it goes deeper than simply trying to keep America’s daughters barefoot and pregnant. There’s a long-standing societal movement pushing women away from any sort of lifestyle or behavior that doesn’t involve them staying at home and having children for their husbands.

In fact, it’s a curious twist that the sorts of qualities which are esteemed or admired in men are degraded and condemned in women.

Consider New York Senator and Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton. She’s driven, disciplined, intelligent, and assertive.

Yet, last November, a supporter of Senator John McCain called Senator Clinton a “bitch” during a campaign rally and Senator McCain was slow to come to the defense of his colleague. He’s demonstrated the exact same sort of drive and intelligence as has Senator Clinton. This stands to reason, since McCain and Clinton currently hold the same office and are seeking the same promotion. You don’t get to even be considered a candidate for high office without phenomenal determination.

Yet McCain is simply a driven, disciplined individual, and Clinton is a bitch.

So what else is new?

Men who bed a lot of women or who openly enjoy sex are, of course, studs. Women who behave similarly are sluts.

This creates a dilemma for somebody who’s trying to raise daughters, and who is seeking role models for those daughters to admire. Nobody wants to hear his little girls being called names, for any reason. But by the same token, I’d rather not have my daughters' career choices limited to opting between the Wilma Flintstone” or “June Cleaver” models of womanhood, either. (As near as I can tell, the only real difference is that June wears pumps while Wilma simply goes barefoot).

Unfortunately, the matter may soon be out of my (and my daughters’) hands. As of this writing, one of the new frontronners for the Republican Presidential nomination, in fact, the current hottest property in the G.O.P., is Mike Huckabee.

The former governor of Arkansas is also a former bona-fide Southern Baptist preacher, and in 1998 he was one of the signatories to a USA Today ad put out by the Southern Baptist Convention, affirming one of the Convention’s statements on family and marriage.

One sentence in that statement is quite interesting. A wife is to submit herself graciously to the servant leadership of her husband, even as the church willingly submits to the headship of Christ.”

Get that? In the eyes of a potential Leader of the Free World, my lovely, bright, intelligent daughters are expected to bend to the wills of whomever they intend to marry, and all that intelligence and talent and charisma must go by the wayside. “Submit herself graciously to the servant leadership of her husband.”

I wonder if Governor Huckabee thinks Senator Clinton is a bitch. Not only is she assertive, she’s not submitting to Bill’s will. No wonder she’s in the crosshairs.

Call me nuts, call me crazy dreamer, but I aspire more for my daughters than that. If one of them chooses to be the next Hillary Clinton, get the hell out of her way. If one wants to be the next Rachael Ray or Tina Fey or even follow in her mother’s footsteps and be a kick-ass all-of the above, that’s her choice.

The key word is, “choice.”

J.T. Benjamin
jtbenjamin.blogspot
January 2008

Get All Worked Up with J.T. Benjamin in ERWA 2007 Archive.

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"All Worked Up" © 2008 J.T. Benjamin. All rights reserved.

About the Author:  J.T.Benjamin says, "I'm a generalist. I write about what interests me, which is just about everything." His resume reflects the diversity of his interests. He's been a disk jockey, insurance salesman, private investigator, journalist, college professor, child advocate, political activist, truckdriver, thief,...doctor, lawyer, Indian Chief. He's currently trying to start a hippie commune in the Denver/Boulder area.
Email:  J.T. Benjamin

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