Get All Worked Up About Jamie Lynn
by J.T. Benjamin

I have a real love-hate relationship with my Holy-Terror brother-in-law, Charlie. On the one hand, he hates practically everything about me and what I stand for, but on the other hand, he loves reminding me of that fact at every opportunity.

For that matter, I hate the fact that every time I start addressing Charlie’s arguments with logic, reason, facts and common sense, my father-in-law frowns, my other-in-law glowers, my Lovely Wife gets a migraine headache directly behind her left eye, and in the interests of family harmony, I have to bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut.

On the other hand, I love the fact that Charlie gives me so much ammunition for columns.

Such as …

The latest target of Charlie’s wrath is Jamie Lynn Spears, the younger sister of misbegotten, misunderstood, batshit-crazy mega-celebrity Britney Spears. In case you didn’t know, or knew but had simply forgotten, the younger Spears is a burgeoning celebrity in her own right, and she’s already demonstrated an ability to follow in her sister’s footsteps when it comes to crazy behavior. For one thing, Jamie Lynn’s got a TV show called “Zoey 101” on the kid-friendly Nickelodeon cable channel. But Jamie Lynn’s got something else going on, too. Namely, a bun in the oven.

That’s right, last December the SIXTEEN YEAR OLD TEENAGER announced that she’s pregnant by her nineteen-year old boyfriend, Casey Aldridge. The couple acted surprised, yet pleased as punch, and the girl’s mother, Lynne Spears, managed to soothe her own shock at the news by negotiating a deal with US Magazine to publish baby photos for a cool ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Charlie and I agree this whole situation is all kinds of wrong. Where we differ is on WHY it’s all kinds of wrong.

Charlie says, “More teenagers having sex and getting pregnant! It’s an outrage!”

I’m outraged that in Twenty-first Century America, someone can still have an unwanted pregnancy. C’mon, kids! Haven’t you ever heard of birth control? The Pill? Diaphragms? Contraceptive sponges? Hell, Casey. You could buy a box of condoms in any department store or supermarket in the country for less money than it takes to get a Big Mac Combo Meal at McDonald’s. Ribbed for her pleasure, too. When you two started fooling around, how come it never occurred to you to take precautions?

Oh, right. I forgot. The Bush Administration is pushing “abstinence-only” sex education, where you’re expected to just remain ignorant of sex until your wedding night, after which you’re supposed to start shooting out kids like puppies.

Charlie says, “This is all one more sign that our society’s become too permissive and degenerate and how the liberals’ 60’s mentality is destroying our nation’s moral foundation. Casual sex everywhere, girls are flashing pierced navels, all those slutty costumes in those profane music videos, and look at the consequences! Britney’s the worst of the bunch, with all that flagrant whorish dancing around and flashing her privates and drinking and smoking and boozing. Look at the impression she’s made on her little sister.”

There’s no denying that Britney Spears is hardly a good role model for Jamie Lynn, but I wouldn’t be too quick to blame the liberals for this one. The entire Spears family is known to be die-hard Republicans, and they’re also vocal fans of George W. Bush.

I could also mention that Charlie’s own nineteen-year old son just had a baby with his sixteen-year old girlfriend. I could mention that, but it’d be too cruel. And too easy.

And ironic. Charlie doesn’t do irony very well.

Charlie says, “Well, one good thing about this whole mess is the fact that Jamie Lynn’s made the choice to keep the baby. She hasn’t decided to do one of those foul, murderous abortions. That seems to be the trend, isn’t it? Lots of movies out these days where women keep their babies. I think that’s a good sign. A good lesson for modern society. Maybe Hollywood’s starting to get its act together.”

True, there’s been a spate of Hollywood movies lately where the heroine has an unwanted pregnancy and chooses to keep the baby, such as Waitress with Keri Russell, Juno with Ellen Page, and Knocked Up with Katherine Heigl, to name a few. But I don’t think we can read a lot into Hollywood’s attitude about abortion by these examples. In the first place, we get to see all the funny scenes with morning sickness and breathing exercises and swollen bellies, but we don’t really get into the stresses of these single moms working full-time jobs and dealing with day care costs and health insurance nightmares, not to mention the stigma that “polite society” can still attach to a woman’s bearing a child out of wedlock. Nope, we don’t see all that. Just cut to the warm glow of the heroine’s just having given birth, the knowing smile, fade to black, roll the credits, and pass the popcorn.

I agree that Hollywood’s great at delivering object lessons, though. “Keep the baby, no matter what,” ranks right up there with, “Don’t worry, the cop’s gun never runs out of bullets,” “Don’t have premarital sex or an invincible homicidal maniac’s gonna kill you,” and “The best thing to do when in possession of a Ring of Power is to have a slimy gray guy bite your finger off and then fall with the ring into a volcano.”

Anyway, since Jamie Lynn’s sitting on oodles of cash, not just from her TV show, but from that million dollar payout coming from US Magazine, I doubt she has to worry about any of the issues most women with unwanted pregnancies have to face.

For that matter, Charlie himself brought up the most important word in the whole “keep the baby” debate.

That word is, “choice.”

Charlie brought up one more point about Jamie Lynn before the shit hit the fan. He actually got outraged that I didn’t seem outraged about the whole thing. “Why aren’t you concerned,” he asked. “You’ve got daughters of your own! One’s about Jamie Lynn’s age! They watch her show! Aren’t you worried about the example she sets?”

That’s when I couldn’t keep my mouth closed any longer. “No, I’m not. When the news hit the airwaves my oldest came to me and said, ‘Boy, she’s stupid, isn’t she,’ and I agreed with her and said, ‘More importantly, we have to keep in mind that this whole mess is not our problem.”

“Not your problem? How can you say that,” asked Charlie. “That girl’s a celebrity! She’s a role model. Lots of teenaged girls look up to her.’

“Then those teenaged girls are idiots, and so are their parents for letting them look to celebrities on how to behave.” I said. “Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t a preacher or a moral philosopher. She’s an actress on a TV show. She’s also a sixteen-year old girl who did something stupid with her nineteen year old boyfriend. Hopefully, she’ll learn from her mistakes and make sure her child doesn’t repeat them. Because the only people Jamie Lynn Spears is obligated to be a role model for are her own children.”

“You don’t think she has an obligation to anybody else?”

“Her obligation to be a role model to the world is no greater than that of Britney Spears or Tom Brady or Barack Obama or Queen Elizabeth or the guy across the street or me or you. Or your son and his girlfriend.”

Charlie didn’t like that one. “You’re saying we don’t have obligations to set examples for each other?”

“Of course we do, but our greatest obligations are to our own kids. I’m not putting the burden of raising my kids on anyone but their mother and myself. Jamie Lynn Spears is a stupid girl with a stupid boyfriend and a stupid mother, but none of those facts are any of my business.”

Charlie glared at me. “Do you think my son was stupid for having a baby with his girlfriend?”

I shrugged. My Lovely Wife was already packed for the drive home, so I figured, what the Hell. I said, “Charlie, the bad news is my kids and I will never look to you or your son as examples of morally upright behavior. In fact, we look at the two of you as examples of how NOT to behave. The good news is, that’s none of our business, anyhow.”

“Do you think he’s stupid,” asked Charlie.

I said, “Well, he’s not the sharpest crayon in the box, but how he got that way is your problem, Charlie, not mine.”

J.T. Benjamin
jtbenjamin.blogspot
February 2008

Get All Worked Up with J.T. Benjamin in ERWA 2008 Archive.

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"All Worked Up" © 2008 J.T. Benjamin. All rights reserved.

About the Author:  J.T.Benjamin says, "I'm a generalist. I write about what interests me, which is just about everything." His resume reflects the diversity of his interests. He's been a disk jockey, insurance salesman, private investigator, journalist, college professor, child advocate, political activist, truckdriver, thief,...doctor, lawyer, Indian Chief. He's currently trying to start a hippie commune in the Denver/Boulder area.
Email:  J.T. Benjamin

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